NTA. But there’s definitely something missing. She’s either got something deeply repressed, or feels guilty about something (cheating?), or something like that to flip the script out of nowhere.

I’d talk to her about it and make sure you’re on the same page.

NTA

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This whole “consent” thing has really gotten screwed up in young women’s minds. Some are using the concept as a power play in their relationships. The exact same way some people use “I’m offended” to put the screws to another person.

In your case, your GF was completely unreasonable and had forgotten that in the situation of a long term relationship where a sexual relationship/pattern was established, the onus is on the partner who is NOT interested in sex at that time to make it known. To expect you to suddenly “read” her mind and know she required you to ask permission is a huge red flag.

She’s drunk the Kool-Aid.

Reading the title of the post I was coming here expecting to see you being shredded for being a gigantic cunt.

After reading the post and comments I’m pleasantly surprised that the internet hasn’t gone mad.

100% NTA. She’s a psycho. Find someone better and don’t look back man.

So I’m just going to say this from my own personal point of view, a lot of what is going on in the public arena is bringing up a lot of trauma for people. It’s possible she is dealing with some trauma you are not aware of. That doesn’t mean you’re not right for being confused and hurt with no context.

I would have given her a chance to give her side of the story before just breaking it off, but you have to decide what’s best for you in the end.

Couldn’t get past “tongue boxing” are you 12 ma dude.

NTA, but admittedly it does seem like a rather drastic shift in behaviour. Not that I’m trying to excuse what she said to you, it was completely out of line, but maybe she’s feeling a little used? Just because as you said you’re not super romantic, and sometimes a girl just wants a little romance before getting down to business.

Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, but that kind of thing would be important to me, idk

Based on your post, you’re not the asshole. She’s being a little extreme and it’s weird how her friends got involved. Yikes

I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think you handled this TERRIBLY. So did she, but she’s not here, so…. Here’s where I think you fucked up: when she said she feels used, you got defensive and said it can’t be true because you’ve not needed consent so far. Consent can change, that is why it’s consent. Should it is another conversation that you derailed.

Before I get to my next point, I think you pushed her to answer and expected her to just communicate clearly. There’s every chance she couldn’t express what she felt properly. You were confused, it didnt make sense to you, but instead of working to clarify with her, you got defensive and just told her she’s wrong. You needed to back off and get real clarity. Hard to argue a point when you don’t even understand it.

Now, I agree it’s a double standard for men and women to experience sex differently. It’s turning an issue that is different for each, and every, person into a gender issue. That could have been the only way she knew how to express it. The fact is that the way you want or experience sex will not be the same as ANYONE else – and you just dismissed that. She feels used, for some reason no one ever got to, and you just argued with her feelings like they can go away when you present logic. That’s not always how feelings work.

After that, you were both dicks to each other. It happens in a fight and whatever. Most couples would try to work it out, but you don’t have to. That’s not some relationship requirement. However, if that’s really the only reason you broke up with her, you shouldn’t have been with her anyways. It’s a waste of 8 months when you shut it all down because of a fight where you never even got to what her real problem was. So no, you’re not an asshole for breaking it off. You do need to mature enough to handle an argument properly (and she needs to learn how to communicate).

Eta: whoa! Thanks for the gold, stranger!

NTA, but agree with some other posters about paying attention to how you show affection or initiate. I had an ex who constantly grabbed my breasts/genitals because he just felt he could and should be able to whenever he wanted. I hated it and ultimately it was a factor in our eventual breakup. Did I think he was sexually assaulting me? No. But when I had discussions with him about how uncomfortable it made me, he thought that was what I was accusing him of. He couldn’t see that just because we were dating didn’t give him the right to treat me like his sex toy.

There is probably more going on here. There may be a reason she doesn’t feel like she can say no, did you ask her about that?

This comments section has become a bit of an echo chamber.

Shes crazy, and hopefully doesn’t get the idea to report you.

Because there’s no witnesses for you, (she might be able to “find” a witness for her, if you get my drift) it probably won’t go your way.

Definitely do not go back to her.

i feel like there might be context missing because if shes saying she feels unappreciated, maybe she isn’t just talking about the sexual stuff but every day things? maybe its a build up of things? like (for example) what if you don’t text her very often or do things with her and then see her Friday, you guys bang, and then the week repeats itself? she feels like you only pay attention to her when you guys are having sex? i’m just saying i don’t think shes saying she feels used JUST because you have sex with her without “asking” first, it seems to me that its something that’s been built up with other things. if not then id agree NTA… she does have the right to ask for consent each time but you also have the right to walk away if it seems ridiculous to you for a relationship that’s been going on for months already.

> I do the business and make her feel good. After this, we just sit there for a minute in the after glow, before she pulls away from me and goes kind of silent.

“Make her feel good”… “After glow”… and then pulling away and silence. Have you considered that your perspective during this encounter and past encounters might be incorrect? People don’t usually go from “Make her feel good” to “pulling away in silence”. I would consider whether or not you’re really misinterpreting the “After glow”. I say this mostly because of this:

> “I just feel like you kind of use me. You never ask for my consent before touching me and it makes me feel like an object instead of a person.”

This doesn’t just come out of nowhere. This is a valid feeling that she has and should at least make you consider that your perspective might have been incorrect for past encounters.

If I was to give your entire post the benefit of the doubt, then sure, NTA. But I’m pretty sure you’re either leaving things out or oblivious to why she would feel that way. Your response to her saying you make her feel like an object isn’t “Why do you feel this way and what can I do to help you not feel this way?” but instead “We’ve been doing this forever and you’ve never said anything before, why are you making me feel like a molestor?”

> She gets mad at this and says how it isn’t the same for a woman as it is a man.

Run. For the sake of your future happiness, sanity and legal well being, run. You are not the asshole.

Also, keep ALL of those texts in case she tries to make false accusations against you.

I don’t think you’re the asshole, per se, but she came to you because she was uncomfortable, at some level, with the way sex in the relationship was handled. Instead of talking about it, maybe seeing if it’s the result of some past trauma or something, you *didn’t listen* to her and instead got angry as if she was accusing you of rape – which she pretty blatantly wasn’t even thinking about until you both got heated.

The best advice I can give you is that communication and trust are the foundation of any successful relationship, and if your partner comes to you with a concern, trusting you enough to talk about it without anger, you need to listen and help the conversation get to a place where both of you know what you can do to improve. If that means taking a step back sexually until she’s more comfortable, so be it. If that means demonstrating her worth to you whenever you can, do it. Don’t break up with somebody just because they want to have a mildly uncomfortable conversation – you owe it to them to at least hear them out.

The first time my girlfriend asked me to stop, I of course did. That’s basic decency, and I’m glad you agree with that. However, as she looked at me, sad and a bit fearful, I knew we had to talk about something. So I opened the door for her to tell me about the trauma she’d experienced, listened quietly, and once she was finished, made sure she knew that she could *always* say no, no matter what, and I’d never be upset about it. It strengthened our relationship by reinforcing the foundation of trust and communication.

Reading this I have the impression that she was complaining more about the fact that you end up having sex almost always instead of actually see Netflix or else. She probably is immature enough to tell you directly that she is not in the mood, or she is uncomfortable than most than your “dates” end up in sex instead of having time together and you said youself aren’t romantic, that is probably the real issue here. The red flags here are than for expressing her own needs so poorly (she goes from no problem to ask me every time to touch me) strikes me as someone that most be very young or inexperienced, also the fact that the next day you have so many texts and on top other peoples text regarding a private manner… Which again talks a lot about how mature her is. How old are you guys?

Either she is one of those girls who get triggered by anything they claim to be misogyny; or maybe she started feeling that way after one particular time in which you were a little to “agressive” on your approach.

I’d say she felt uncomfortable for other reason and got caught up with the sex thing; rather than the consent or all of that, she probably didn’t express her discontent clearly. Probably felt like your relationship was more of a “let’s have casual sex or a regular basis” than an actual romantic one, and instead of stating so, she ended up saying that sex was an objectification, as if sex was all that mattered to you.

I do not know if I made myself clear, it’s somewhat difficult to explain, but, I’ll try to extrapolar such scenario into a different, more trivial situation:
“The girl is angry at her boyfriend for not washing the dishes and makes an extremely bug fuzz about it.bthe boy, of course, thinks it’s overkill and that maybe she’s just mental and both end up braking up over who did or did not washing the dishes.

In reality, what’s was happening, is that the girl felt mistreated, be used they boy didn’t think it would be nice for him to do the chores once in a while. She felt she didn’t get the attention she deserved from the guy who is supposed to watch over her and care for her. Thus, that feeling of emotional abandonment bursted as – This moron didn’t do the dishes; rather than – this moron can’t relate to what I need from him in our relationship”.

The actual problem is not identifying what’s bother yourself and then exploding at harmless stuff. You know what I mean?

That’s what I can think of in your situation.

For thread purposes; I do not think you’re the immediate asshole here; but I think you can also do a little introspection yourself, rather than cataloguing her as crazy.

Edit: I can foresee that this is going to become a dumpster of “she’s the asshole anyway” comments. I’m not relieving her of guilt, because she is still the one who “misinterpreted” her own feelings (in my theory), but still, I think OP can dig a little more into this to pin point exactly what went wrong. No introspection means no growth, thus, opening the possibility of having this thing happen again sometime in the future. Who’s to say he wasn’t too sexually aggressive, or careless? Only he can tell.

I’m super not into the “she’s a crazy girlfriend omg double standards!!!1” comments I keep seeing. You probably should have had an actual conversation about it awhile back, but her trying to start the conversation ended up with you breaking up with her. She told you she feels uncomfortable and used and you both lashed out. I think you should’ve been more empathetic — a girl saying she feels used and like she can’t really say no is a major red flag in any relationship. She absolutely should not have called you a potential molester, but people do shitty things in the heat of the moment. Women are usually less likely to ask consent because men initiate the sexual contact and at that point, a girl doesn’t want to cause drama. It’s very possible she was going along for the same reason and didn’t want to stir anything up. And she did. Even if she was enjoying the sex, that situation can make you feel really used. If she felt like the only reason you liked her was because she had sex with you, that could have also led to her feeling shitty.

I think you’re an asshole for not hearing her out and being combative but she went about it in a completely unproductive way. Dumping her for that is sort of douchey. And it’s not unreasonable to say you want there to be some sort of consent or signal that implies consent. Maybe she just wanted to talk about it after and make sure you both still cared. Who knows? But you should’ve listened to her and taken a moment to consider her feelings.

Your partner was telling you that she sometimes feels unwilling, pressured, objectified or otherwise uninvolved in the decision making process to having sexual contact. After 8 months, there isn’t usually a need to ask for verbal consent because there are non-verbal signals that a partner is into it or not. It sounds like you either don’t have them or you’re not reading them, and instead of addressing her discomfort and listening to her concerns about being an active participant in your sex life, you went off on how you’re not a molester, she’s got double standards, and you deserve to touch her without consent after 8 months whatever her feelings about it are. Little wonder she got upset and said somethings she clearly didn’t mean. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 20 years, if a partner doesn’t feel like they’re fully in control of their right to refuse sex & contact, it’s always a legitimate issue. YTA.

YATA but not for the reasons you’re asking about. She was obviously upset about something in how you two are interacting sexually. Instead of asking what was the underlying cause (which, in my experience, is probably that the sex routine has become so ingrained that access to her body feels like your right instead of her mutual consent) you jumped to accusing her of calling you a rapist. This is an unfair and defensive conversation tactic and, expectedly, she only felt more angry than before.

This could have been an issue that you discussed like adults and become closer for, but instead you became defensive and accusatory. She also behaved immaturely in her response. Both of you need to relearn how to resolve conflicts constructively as a partnership instead of as adversaries. You are both the asshole.