BF (m/33) and I (f/about to be 34) have been together 3 years. Last year, he totally dropped the ball and planned nothing (not even a card). This year, I heavily suggested (aka, planned) what I wanted to do… Starting with, we stay up Thursday night and watch the meteor shower and then stay home together from work on Friday.
I figured we could sleep in, just enjoy each other, maybe get breakfast.
Well, to start with, he first bailed on taking Friday off together, after he agreed to it with me, because he had to work. I was bummed but said of course, and I will see you when you get off work and we can set up for the meteors.
Then, he tells me the night before that the meteor showers don’t peak til late, so he’s going to do his usual Thursday night xbox night and then he’ll hop off closer to midnight and we can go outside. I voiced that I was not okay with that, and I asked him to please give up xbox for one night, since it’s my weekend.
Lastly, I got a txt from him while I was still at work yesterday, stating that he was going to go out and grab a couple of beers with friends and he’d see me back at the house later. I again expressed my feelings were hurt and I wanted us to save our drinking for outside, because when he drinks too much, he either falls asleep or gets really angry…
so I wanted to wait and drink together while watching the stars. He shut down supremely and said I needed to respect him and his life, and he wasn’t changing his plans.
Needless to say, when he got home, I wasn’t happy and so I was cold to him… and that pissed him off and we had a huge fight over the whole thing, because he says I am the asshole for trying to “control” him and that I live in a fairytale world, if I think any man is going to set up special blankets and drinks outside for us to watch meteor showers.
The way I see it, he is the asshole for standing me up for my birthday plans. And just for clarification, my bday is Saturday. It wasn’t last night/the night of the meteor shower, I just thought it would be a nice kick off and romantic for us, especially since he’s been dropping the ball so much lately.
So, Reddit… AITA?
EDIT FOR UPDATE: the night of my actual bday, I asked him to please sing me happy birthday. That was all I wanted. He refused. He then threw a birthday gift at me. He then told me I “suck” and to “f*** off”, and told me he was never going to be the man I wanted, he will never sing me happy birthday, and then he broke up with me.
On my birthday. Lol. I figure it is a birthday gift from the universe.
Thanks, Reddit, for helping me see this was no loss. 🖤
Conclusion
The birthday ended with a breakup, but was it a tragic end or a gift in disguise? See how she reacts to this shocking turn of events!
Here’s how people reacted:
>nd that pissed him off and we had a huge fight over the whole thing, because he says I am the asshole for trying to “control” him and that I live in a fairytale world, if I think any man is going to set up special blankets and drinks outside for us to watch meteor showers.
What a fuckin joke. He couldn’t do it for your birthday weekend.
Why are you with him?
I’ve said it before, but how do people like that get into and maintain relationships? It sounds like behaviour that must be fairly common, he doesn’t seem to care about what you want at all. He must have some really great other qualities for you to have spent 3 years with him.
Also, that “fairytale” comment about no man would ever do that, is bullshit. My boyfriend would do that for me if I ever requested, even if he didn’t really want to. Cause that’s what love is. You do things for your partner to make them happy. It wouldn’t have killed him.
He’s immature and selfish and doesn’t care about you.
On the other hand, were you also going to do birthday things on Saturday? You state that this is just pre-birthday stuff, which even for someone who’s really engaged, might be considered a bit much. Typically, people only celebrate on one day with any given person.
The second red flag is the story you just told. SOs and spouses who genuinely love each other *want* to spend time together, and he completely blew off plans *you* made for *your* birthday that include him because he can’t even be bothered. If he were just a bad planner, he should have jumped at this chance to enjoy your birthday this way.
Please know there are some amazing, loving men out there, but you won’t meet them if you’re stuck with this asshole. NTA
Girl your dude is full of shit.
My first “date” with my boyfriend was driving out to the middle of no where and watching the stars and a small meteor shower.
Men/women/humans CAN and WILL do romantic things for you when they love you.
The angry when drinking thing is a massive red flag. Sure right now he might just be pissy and short with you or the people/things around him. But what happens IF this begins to escalate? What happens if he starts putting holes through the walls? What if he starts getting physical with you? Maybe it won’t escalate but the anger when drinking is usually a sign of alcohol abuse issues. Even when its not, some people just cannot consume booze without turning into a rage machine. My step dad was like that. Never hit us but he’d freak the fuck out and scream till his voice fled.
The other concern is the blowing you off thing. Its absolutely indicative of how much he values you and your time. I mean really, video games? Look I love to game too. So does my boyfriend. But we both understand what a priority is. I would NEVER ditch something he wanted to do together to play some game that’ll be there when I get back. And the ditching to go drink with friends??
Look having friends and a social life outside of your SO is great and healthy and normal. Whats not great, healthy or normal is neglecting your SO to go have a cold one with the boys. There needs to be balance. Something your dude clearly has no interest in figuring out. He “hears” you? No he doesn’t. Hearing you would be listening to what you said, thinking about it sincerely, and coming to a mutual conclusion. Hes telling you he hears you so you drop the subject without changing any of his poor behaviors.
It honestly sounds like your dating a teenager. From my limited perspective of your relationship it sounds like your dating yourself and hes just sorta”There”.
So I want you to ask yourself a few things.
1. Is this pattern if ignoring your wishes/wants/needs and ditching you for leisure activities on his own or with friends a common occurrence?
2. You’ve spoken to him about this. He did not care to change. Do you think he will change this behavior on his own? If not, why? If yes, why?
3. Are You happy with your relationship as it stands? I want you to think about the last 6 months. The good the bad and the ugly. In those 6 months, have you been consistently happier then any of the negative emotions you may have been or are feeling? If the answer is no, what do you think the next 6 month’s will be like? Do you foresee things getting better? If your answer to being happy was yes, is this a normal constant you want to live your life in? Is this the pattern you wish to follow into the future?
4. Can you honestly picture settling down with this guy? Marriage and potential children? Would he make a good husband and potential father? If yes, why? If no, why?
5. If your best friend or a close loved one came to you and told you what you have said in this post in addition to telling you every thing you know about your relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly, what would your advice be to them?
If your answers to these questions have been mostly negative and you are unhappy, I think its time to heavily contemplate breaking up. It likely will not get better. For a person to change they have to want to change. No amount of ultimatums, tears or force will permanently change anyone.
also, he gets angry when he drinks? girrrrrl, please dont stay in this toxic mess, or at least lay down the law. one weekend out of the month is not that much to sacrifice.
Your bf sounds immature to be honest. From what you wrote, it seems as though you could’ve communicated your desires to him a little more firmly.. I mean did he ever acknowledge and agree to your suggestions? If he did, then he’s definitely in the wrong and you could do a lot better. If not then maybe there was a miscommunication, but like.. it’s your birthday, he should’ve tried a little harder anyways. I guess it comes down to what the standards are in your relationship and whether or not you’re cool with them
If you love somebody, you want to make them fucking happy as balls, at least I do. I never mind giving time to my SO because I love spending time with her. She is my other half.
If you want somebody who sees you as their everything, you might want to consider re upping on a new SO.