Anyway, I want to first say that me and my gf have been dating for some years in a LDR (Moving in together was a WIP), and I have complete trust in her, which wasn’t easy to get as I’m quite a paranoid and jealous person in general.
Something else that’s important to know beforehand is that while I enjoy talking in vc, she claims not to, and we agreed on typing for the most part, with very occasional calls during the week.
Story: Recently, my gf joined a discord group, she asked if I wanted to join as well, so I accepted. People were nice in general, but I noticed that one of the people was always talking with her in a call when she went to sleep.
When I asked her about this, she said it was because she has trouble sleeping due to hypersomnia (Which I knew), and does it because it works better for her than watching youtube videos, so she’d join his call of him playing vidya, fall asleep, and he’d cancel out of the call.
I was a bit skeptical, but because I had no reason to distrust her, since A) We’d been dating for a very long time, and she’s very anti-cheating, and B) The person she’s talking with isn’t attractive whatsoever, I accepted it and moved on.
Now forward a few days from that point and both of them are constantly in 4-6h long calls with eachother each night, talking, which at this point annoyed me because I had to agree to only talking for a few minutes each week, while this random guy could hear her voice whenever he pleased.
Couldn’t take it anymore and I just asked if I could do the same, with her watching me play games and falling asleep, to which she replied no, I got a bit annoyed at this response and kept pushing, which made her annoyed at me in response and she ignored me, but the calls between them kept going on of course.
I talked to someone else in the server about this and apparently she thinks I’m controlling her because I’m picking out who she can hang out with and what she does.
I apologised afterwards (Maybe a bit too much to be fair), saying I didn’t mean to come over as controlling, but I still wanted to talk about it, because it was a legitimate issue to me, and she just kept ignoring my messages, I asked the next day if she was “Interested in him” and she went mad.
Haven’t sent her a message since, and our chat has been dry for about three days.
Completely seperate from all this: I see sleeping in calls as something couples do, not friends, which frustrates me even further.
Me and gf barely talk in vc because she prefers typing, but met someone that she talks with non-stop, which I got annoyed at and she’s mad at me for being annoyed.
Conclusion
The story ends with a fractured connection, leaving one questioning everything they thought they knew. Did a simple friendship cross a line, or is paranoia getting the better of him? The silence between them speaks volumes, but offers no easy answers.
Here’s how people reacted:
At this point I had been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for four years. The group had thinned to about three people including Joe, and no one wanted to be in VC except for him. This guy is a great person, but has extreme social anxiety, Aspergers, and lives in assisted living. Thus his entire social life is online. He literally has no friends outside the internet. I started up the routine of being in long calls, watching him play video games till I fell asleep, and just chatting intermittently. It’s completely platonic on my end. The long calls breed no sexual or romantic intimacy, just friendship. My boyfriend knows all this and it was initially a surprise for him, but he doesn’t mind at all now, and often has me consult Joe’s opinion for tech advice and gaming advice.
So is it possible that your girlfriend doesn’t have any romantic interest in this guy and just feels comfortable in calls with him? Yes, I think so. Being in long calls with someone of the opposite sex does not necessarily mean there is any deeper intimacy going on that should threaten your relationship.
**HOWEVER**, it is strange that she doesn’t extend this to you. My boyfriend hates talking on the phone and needs space from me, so doing long VC calls with him would be out of the question because we see each other enough. If I never saw him or talked to him though, it would be extremely bizarre to do those things with some other person on the internet instead of him. Maybe as a socially anxious person, she feels pressure to “perform” for you in voice-chat because she wants to keep your interest. And she doesn’t care about this person’s opinion of her so she feels more comfortable. If this is the case though, she should be more considerate of your feelings and be more communicative with you about why she does this instead of getting angry.
Have you asked her why she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you in VC? You should do that, and if she is too defensive to give you a valid response, than she is too immature and inconsiderate of your feelings to bother with IMO. Does that mean she is “playing you”, I’m not sure. That might not be the case. The fact of the matter is that she is rejecting your attempts for further intimacy and contact, and that is something concrete enough to take issue with.
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I had a friend go through the same thing and he ended up getting hurt
She’s not necessarily weird for doing this though. I also sleep better with background talking sometimes, but I’d feel really weird asking my SO to do that for me. It’s far less awkward to do it with some random friend, in which our relationship consists of just that dynamic.
One on one calls just screams personal to me, and considering that it’s 4 to 6 hours, it’s a good chunk of the day. I think she doesn’t hate calling, but rather she hates calling you.
My dude, I think she’s messing with you and I honestly think it’s not worth your time.
Best of luck.
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People usually cheat when there’s something lacking in their relationship. Yeah, he could be fugly, but he could be providing something you’re not. As for your gf, she is being disrespectful toward the relationship and you. She doesn’t like your compromise, so maybe reconsider your relationship with her. Anyway, best of luck to you.
While there’s no evidence that she is doing anything wrong even I get the feeling the whole truth isn’t being told. You need to tell her how this is making you feel and make it clear you’re not asking for her to stop talking to people but it’s definitely unfair to deny you (her long term boyfriend) communication when someone who is apparently just a friend speaks to her much more freely and frequently.
If she tries to blow you off or make you feel like you’re wrong for feeling this way then you’re going to need to make a choice because something here has got to give. Whether it’s her or the relationship really depends on her at that point. Just don’t be taken for a fool.
Also do you mean insomnia? Hypersomnia is excessive sleeping.
Granted, people are odd. But that’s still odd behavior. Nothing wrong with asking what’s up with that. NTA.
It sounds like she is having an emotional affair to be completely honest. Which is why she is reactive to you questioning it
Honestly, that’s crazy suspicipus. It clearly is very wrong if she prefers to video call with somebody else for 4-6hrs at a time and complains when it comes towards you. If you put her in that situation (Metaphorically, of course) she’d be screaming through the roof that you are unfaithful. Please, don’t let her take advantage of you. That is absolutely absurd and you need to not let her convince you otherwise that it’s right. Something is clearly wrong— don’t let her guilt trip you. I’m a girl, these habits aren’t normal.