AITA for being upset that my boyfriend frequently comes to bed at 4am or later?

A woman’s relationship hits a snag when her boyfriend’s late-night gaming disrupts their sleep schedules, leaving her feeling alone and unheard.

Due to gaming on his computer, my boyfriend often stays up until the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes he doesn’t even come to bed until I get up for work at 6:30 AM. I go to bed between 10-11 PM usually on work nights.

I’ve spoken to him on at least three separate occasions about how this affects me and how I feel it isn’t good for our relationship to frequently go to bed at different times, if it can be helped (which it can, he doesn’t work). Every time I’ve spoken rationally and calmly, using “I feel” instead of blaming him for anything, and every time he listens well and agrees with me and promises he’ll work on it.

Yet he continues this behavior.

I understand that it is not my place to set a bedtime for him; he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants. But the fact of the matter is it affects me emotionally, something I can’t help even if I try. Sometimes I’ll get up around 3 or 4 AM to use the bathroom, find he isn’t in bed yet, and then be upset enough to take half an hour to fall back asleep.

Going to bed together is important to me, and he knows this.

So, am I the asshole for being upset?

Edit: Also, the reason bedtime is so important to me is I pretty much only have four hours of free time between work and sleep.

Here’s how people reacted:

mrtcombe

In my opinion you aren’t the asshole. To better assess, is he just gaming all night and sleeping through the day? Either way he knows you get up early to work so he is kind of being a jerk.

fuxxitt

I don’t think you are the asshole here. The fact that he’s acknowledging that there is a problem and continues to do nothing about it makes him an asshole.

But at least he realizes he should do something about it. It sucks that you two are on different pages about this, but I wouldn’t push too hard on it. Sometimes that just makes things worse

Maybe there is something deeper going on here. Does he play all day too? Or is he asleep all day?

Ftw_dabs69ish

This was literally on the list of Cons I made before leaving my ex.

LDRH

Yes, you are. You don’t get to choose when someone else goes to bed.

If he did the same with you wouldn’t you get upset?

Saul_Panzer_NY

He’s the asshole. He needs to get a job and quit gaming all night.

radseven89

Nobody here is the asshole, but the best advice I could give you would be to get into his hobby as well. Maybe you can only play his games for a few hours a night but just doing that will do much more for your relationship than being sad in bed.

staabc

Are you paying the bills? If he’s not supporting himself or contributing to supporting the both of you as a couple, he’s not a grown man.

JTRIG_trainee

You’re the asshole because you are enabling his addiction.

hurdur1

You’re not the asshole.

You have work. You deserve a full night’s sleep without interruption at 4am.

Perhaps you two can compromise. Why not get a cot or single bed for when your boyfriend is planning on gaming past 11pm to avoid him waking you up?

If you need him to sleep at the same time as you (for emotional reasons), can he game late just on Fridays and Saturdays? I feel that since your boyfriend doesn’t work, he should compromise more.

cindreiaishere

Neither of you are assholes. It sounds like you want more one-on-one time than he does. He has needs and desires that are incompatible with yours. If you want it to work out you’re probably both going to have to compromise.

Zulban

Neither of you are assholes.

I have trouble going to sleep unless it’s stupid late as well. I’ve gotten better over the past couple years (2am now) but I used to be like this dude. There’s a chance he should put in more effort to connect with you, but it’s more likely a problem that people don’t generally understand. I can personally attest that this isn’t something you just go ahead and fix with willpower. It’s like telling an obese person “just get your shit together and lose weight”. Or a depressed person “get your shit together, get out of bed, come on”.

It’s good he admits it’s a problem. Whenever my partner brings it up, I admit that it’s a problem that I’m trying to work on. Nobody is perfect, and we can all improve. I think I’m a really solid partner in other ways.

This might not be something you can shame or pressure him into fixing. You need to understand the problem better. With sleep it can be a million things… for me, if I feel I wasn’t productive that day I will stay up very late doing pointless shit. I also grew up with a crazy mom and being on a computer late at night was the only way to avoid her regularly.

l-Orion-l

No one is the arsehole here. He obviously loves his gaming and it seems like it is an important part of his life and has been for some time now. You probably new this going in and should respect that, however he should be making more of an effort to respect your feelings and concerns over the matter. I think communication is key and maybe you haven’t communicated with him properly about it and he may not think its a big deal to you. Obviously hits a big deal to you and he isn’t putting in the effort so yeah.

BarefootDogTrainer

Was this behavior happening when you met him? If yes, you aren’t the asshole, but you do need to reconsider ho you approach this subject.
As someone with insomnia, and irregular sleeping patterns it may actually be more difficult for him to change than it is for you to not be upset by.

Conclusion

Is she overreacting, or is his gaming habit a serious red flag for their future together? The ending might just surprise you.