As friends and family grappled with their loss, a mysterious activity on the deceased’s social media account ignited a firestorm of questions, leading to a desperate plea for answers. The digital realm, meant for connection, became a source of unexpected turmoil.
My brother suddenly passed away on July 16, 2019, of a heart attack at 38 years old. It was a complete shock, and my poor SIL and her daughter were there when he died. After he died, she logged into his Facebook to message some of his friends to let them know (totally cool; I wouldn’t want to find out a friend passed by a Facebook post).
She told them she would keep them in the loop for the funeral on July 30th and the celebration of life, which we were having in September.
A few weeks after the funeral, a few people wrote on his wall that if he were really dead, his Facebook wouldn’t be active. They messaged me, and I told them that yes, he was dead. Then they messaged my dad. The death of my brother broke my dad. He was barely functioning, and he begged me to do something.
I contacted my SIL and told her that we needed to contact Facebook and move his account to “In Memory of” and told her about the messages my dad got. I told her to add whatever friends she still needed to be in contact with, and I would make sure to post on his wall when the celebration of life was so everyone was in the loop.
She said okay.
I told her that I would be contacting Facebook in two days. Two days passed, and I contacted Facebook, provided them proof of death, and they moved the account over.
My SIL then got really angry with me. She said she wasn’t ready for that, and she couldn’t handle seeing “Remembering” before my brother’s name. She thought she would still be able to log into his account and add pictures and stuff. I let her vent and apologized sincerely because, omg, I still can’t imagine the pain she feels.
She basically cut off all contact with our family since then.
After reading all the comments, I reached out to her and apologized for steamrolling over her and taking control and doing it. Apparently, I am tearing myself up over something she isn’t even upset about. She said she got angry at first because it was like a “sucker punch.” She said knowing it was happening and seeing it were two totally different things, and if she didn’t want me to do it, she would have said no.
She said she hasn’t ever been angry at me for it. She apologized for cutting us all off; she just needs to grieve on her own.
My brother himself set me and his wife as his legacy contacts long before he died. When you move a page over, it says you can no longer log in, but your Legacy contacts can still manage the page, just through that gear icon we haven’t questioned or touched before yesterday.
It is all good between us. So AITA for causing her more pain?
Conclusion
In a twist that no one saw coming, a simple misunderstanding over a digital memorial revealed a hidden layer of the deceased’s final wishes. It turns out, the brother had already laid the groundwork for managing his online legacy, setting the stage for a surprising resolution.
While initial reactions were fraught with emotion, the story concludes with an unexpected reconciliation, proving that even in grief, love and foresight can pave the way for peace. This tale serves as a poignant reminder of the complexities of loss and the enduring power of family connections.
Here’s how people reacted:
Grief is hard. I hope you all pull through.
?? Who does that? Genuinely don’t believe this part.
But if it’s true, you put the feelings of strangers on Facebook over those of your SIL. YTA
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Also: everyone who messaged asking if someone “was really dead” are the super AHs here.
>I put the feelings of my father over her I think. I did it so he would no longer get any messages like the ones he got. I could not bear to see my dad so upset and broken. \[From OP’s replies\]
dogchick1985 listed options you could have taken in relation to your father getting messages that wouldn’t have stepped on SIL’s toes. Remember that SIL is the next of kin in this situation.
And for people saying the wife said “OK,” OP later says the wife didn’t know that would mean effectively cutting her off from her husband’s account.
>She thought she would still be able to log into his account and add pictures and stuff.
YTA, because you didn’t stop to think about other options or even explain to the SIL what it meant when you put the account into In Memorium.
Edited typo/clarification.
ETA: I’d like to thank OP for making me realize that I should immediately take steps to make sure that my blood relatives don’t have any say in my business after I have died, just to make sure they don’t pull the kind of sh*t you did.
You weren’t trying to hurt her feelings or impede her grief process. She’s not wrong for wanting to hold onto whatever she could of her late husband. I probably would have left the Facebook account to the widow to deal with, but I understand why you did what you did.
Your SIL was the next of kin. It was entirely her decision to make.
If people think a fb page goes away because someone dies they don’t have much upstairs.