Our (my 2 siblings (14F, 12M) and my (14M)) world got destroyed because of my father’s (36M) affair, my parents divorced because of that two years ago., they had 50/50 custody until 5 months ago.
My dad had an affair with a close family friend (35M), we didn’t know in the beginning because when they separated they told us that “their marriage wasn’t working like it used to do” so for around one and a half year we would go to our dad’s house one week and one week with my mom, we stopped going when he introduced him to us and we found out that he was his affair partner and also a family friend, so we didn’t feel comfortable being around the man who helped my dad to destroy our lives.
We haven’t gone to my dad’s house for the last three months because we don’t just feel comfortable, he comes to our mom’s house to bring us gifts, he wants us to go to his house to accept his partner but I just don’t like him.
So, this incident happened around 8 days ago, my dad posted a picture of him, his BF, and his stepson on Facebook, I got angry because they try to look like the perfect family and even tried to force us to be part of that family.
So, I commented: “Remember that you two had to destroy our lives to get there” my dad deleted the photo immediately and didn’t tell me anything, the one who sent me a message was his bf, telling me that my father was hurt and told me to move on since it’s being two years.
My sister (14) found out what I did and called me TA for exposing and reminding my dad of the mistakes he did, now I feel bad because my dad has really tried to make amends and fix what he did but I just can’t stand it, this makes me feel sad and depressed because of what my father did.
Was it an AH move to remind him of his affair?
Conclusion
Could forgiveness ever bridge the chasm left by betrayal, or will the scars of the past forever haunt this fractured family? The journey to healing is long and arduous, a path strewn with unspoken resentments and the lingering ache of what was lost. Will they ever find peace, or are they destined to remain prisoners of their father’s choices?
Here’s how people reacted:
It wasn’t two years ago. It’s happening right now, every day. Furthermore, you only found out a few months ago that your dad chose his affair partner and his son over you.
No wonder you dont like his boyfriend when he belittels how you feel. Two years is not a long time to get over something like this. They are acting as if this didnt effect your life at all.
Your dad cheated on your mom, came out as gay, moved in with the person that he cheated on your mom with, and now you’ve got a new step brother? All this while you’re going through middle school/high school and trying to figure your own stuff out? Then your dad wants to blast out his “new happy life” on social media…ugh.
Man, there’s no way I’m calling you an AH. You have every right to be angry, BUT it’s not healthy. You have to move on, and forgive him. Your dad wants to be part of your life, and a lot of kids don’t even have that. I’m sure he loves you, and he’s sorry he hurt you and your siblings, but you can’t change what happened.
Have you talked to your mom about some family therapy? I feel like you have a lot to get off your chest, and a professional therapist can help you and your dad sort a lot of these issues out. Do it for you.
EDIT: I’m catching flak in the comments for telling you to “forgive” your dad. And yeah, maybe I use it differently than other people because to me it’s more like something between acceptance and forgiveness.
I’m more thinking of “forgiveness” as a way that gives you the permission to move on.
It’s hard to find a word that fits what I’m thinking. I just feel like you love your dad, miss your dad (and you care enough about him to post publicly to see if you were acting like an AH with him), and holding onto anger isn’t healthy.
You are 14! Your dad had an affair and blew up your life!
Your dad needs to help you work past this as does your mum. You need some therapy.
Sure you should not have posted a comment on Facebook, but your Dad should expect blowback seeing as you have just found out his affair blew up your family.
You owe it to yourself to get past this anger so it doesn’t affect your entire life. Sometimes adults need different things that they weren’t getting form their partner.
You’re at a critical age in your development. Please get some therapy and help moving past this anger
There’s no need to continue the hurt everyone is feeling. Have you been able to find some therapy/support for whay you’ve gone through?
Your dad’s bf had NO right to talk to you. That is between you and your dad. It is easy to say “move on” when you’re the one who caused the pain. You need to tell you dad about that.
Let me be clear – his partner isn’t a good person. No good person would tell a victim of their own actions to “get over it”. Your dad and his partner both decided to do what they did. Your dad could have gotten the divorce before and then pursued other partners but no, he cheated.
Do not feel bad for saying the truth or for feeling uncomfortable with someone who is so selfcentered that he intentionally hurt a child for fun. And yes, cheating with someone that has kids is causing hurt to that child for your own fun.
Your dad is a major AH for this entire thing. His partner is also an AH for participating and for what he said.
OPs father mishandled this situation & I can’t fault op for his response.
But by posting that comment, publicly on his social media, you weren’t just drawing attention to his mistake. You were airing something personal and sensitive for all of your family, and dragging in an innocent kid who had nothing to do with his father’s and your dad’s affair. While I don’t feel your words were undeserved at all, the method of delivery had the potential to hit more than just your dad.
I wish you all the luck in recovering from the damage your father has caused you. It’s going to be tough, but I get the feeling you’re pretty tough yourself.
He made his bed, he can lay in it too. It’s not like you’re making anything up. His relationship with his children deteriorating is a consequence of his own actions, and you have a right to be vocally angry with him
It has only been 2 years, not 20. You are only 14 not 24. Tell him you were hurt to because you had respect for your father and now you know it was based on a lie. And it takes longer then 2 years to get over finding out your father is a fraud and not the man you thought he was. NTA.
Have you talked to your mom about therapy or a support group? Divorce plus having your father deceive you like this is a really traumatic experience and there’s no shame in getting some help.