Just to be clear, Jay was ACCUSED of a crime not convicted of one, so for you to assume he’s a criminal automatically would bother me too if that were my son. Plus you don’t know the exact circumstances as to how the console was obtained. His mom could have brought it from a third party for all you know, so again who are you to call a sixteen year old a criminal when you just made an assumption based off what the police told you?!

You failed Jay in a big way. Sorry, YTA!

YTA

Never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER let the police into your house without a warrant. Never let the police talk to your minor child without you or a lawyer present.

It may only be a ‘simple misunderstanding’. The chances of the cops being ‘crooked’ or ‘planting’ something to make a case may be slim,… but if that slim occurrence should happen and the police decide to ruin your day you can lose everything you own to civil forfeiture and your entire reality can come crashing down because you were trying to not be rude.

The police are not your friends. You can be civil, but DO NOT let them in the door because no matter how nice you are, YOU are still considered a possible perp…

NAH, but you should have known better.

You never let the cops into your home without a warrant. You figure out what they want, don’t tell them anything, and get a lawyer if necessary.

You don’t even know if the gaming system was actually stolen. You don’t know if he bought it from a friend who stole it, if his mom stole it, if he found it, etc.

The cops could be wrong, and now your stepson was arrested because you weren’t cautious. Hopefully that’s a lesson learned.

If anything YTA only because you turned it into an argument with your husband about how your stepson is a criminal. Your husband was obviously scared, stressed, didn’t know what was happening to his son and why. He also trusted you to take care of him, and you had a minor in your care. You don’t let anyone in the house that doesn’t have a good reason for being there, even the cops. It seems you have a skewed perspective on your stepson, which is unfortunate.

INFO. Do you actually know if this gaming station was stolen? Just because the police show up at your place and claim something was stolen doesn’t make it so. Police will frequently ask people to do innocuous sounding things in order to get a pretext for a search/detainment.

> they would have never thought to be rude to the police either and not allow them in

This take is coming from a tower so ivory I cannot look at it directly without risking blindness.

EDIT: I just want to address some more things in the post. Your husband shouldn’t have called you stupid. I agree with his take that you’re naive, or perhaps a victim of your own privilege. I’m not surprised the insults started flying, this is a stressful situation for all parties. Doesn’t give him the right to insult you. He’s an AH for that.

Being arrested does not mean someone is guilty. Police saying someone is or has committed a crime does not mean they are or have committed a crime.

I mean, good protocol in talking to the police is indeed to shut the fuck up and not allow them in without a warrant. But clearly there’s a lot going on here, and the fact that your husband’s only response to this situation seems to be anger at you is a big red flag. Even if you were on the same page that the desirable thing to do would have been to protect Jay from the police, him jumping down your throat about not having a perfect response when armed and intimidating people come to the door doesn’t help.

But more fundamentally, the angry response directed at you means that the whole son stealing a gaming console thing isn’t even viewed as something to discuss. The effort to protect Jay from the police would make sense if it was paired with a collaborative effort to figure out why he’s doing things like that and intervening. NTA

YTA, the cops are liars. I had a detective knock on my door and say my car was involved in a hit and run. That was a lie and he was just fishing as he had no evidence. Never volunteer anything to police. You can be civil while knowing your rights.

>they would have never thought to be rude to the police either and not allow them in.

The police are not invited houseguests to whom you shouldn’t be rude. They are armed agents of the state executing law enforcement functions. When they show you up, *you have rights.* Exercising those right is *not* rude, it’s one of the small way freedom works.

Wait, OP is NTA for not knowing reddit’s rules of engagement with the police. People acting like everyone knows this. Meanwhile in the real world people let cops in, especially white people. GTFO with all these YTA votes

NTA. Might be because I’m from the Netherlands, but if there was a cop at my door I’d let them in. If they asked about a gaming system I hope I’d get suspicious though….

Edit: But then again I can imagine you didn’t expect him to steal, and you thought his mom gave it to him which would have been a logical thought to me as well…

YTA. Never invite police in without a warrant, never answer their questions. “I take the Fifth Amendment, and would like to speak to my lawyer” is what any lawyer worth their salt advises literally everyone – innocent or guilty alike – to say.

Edited to add: In the US, people are presumed innocent until they are proven guilty. Calling Jay – your *fucking son* \- a criminal just because the police arrested him, which says nothing about guilt, is a AH move on your part as well. I’d have been angry at you too.

To all the people saying she is TAH, basically you are the TAH. The police didn’t randomly show up at her house. The didn’t randomly figure the kid had stolen property. The had a reason why, they explained it to her and she being a reasonable person, did what was right. Too many people watching too much television thinking that asking for a lawyer will stop the police from doing their job. It doesn’t. How many people have lawyers standing by on retainers. And no one is addressing the kid either stole, has stolen property or both. And the husband is a MAJOR AH. His kid is a criminal, allegedly, but instead of dealing with that, he tosses his wife out. Bad move. She did the right thing. I wonder how many of you would change your view if it was your $500-$1000 gaming system that was stolen.

Can I just say WTF? If the police knock on my door, in a home that I own where I know I am following the law, I am going to let them in. Because that’s what law abiding citizens do. If someone living in my own is a thief or a criminal then that’s their problem. Don’t bring it into my home. OP you are NTA. Your husband and your stepkid are for putting you in a position where they would want you to lie to the police. If you don’t want problems with the police then quit breaking the law.

Reading the comments to this one really makes me happy to not be from the US

Info. OP, are there differences between you / your husband and Jay that would explain a difference in expectations of police involvement? There’s a lot of great info for you in this thread, but your husband thinking one answer is obvious v. you, your sister, and BIL makes me ask.

I am honestly awed by all the negative responses here. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought if the police asked to speak to me and my son. I don’t think it’s naive, I think honest people don’t immediately have a negative reaction to the police. When you’ve done nothing wrong your first thought is not to call a lawyer!!

ÑTA! Your husband’s reaction is way out of line. He should be more concerned about his son and the issue that brought them to your door.

YTA.
While you may live there, you overstepped.
He is a minor, and you should have called his dad before allowing the police into the house.
INFO: Did they show proof it was stolen? Or did they just arrest him for stealing?

Oh this is difficult!

YTA for letting them into the house, without a warrant. What you should have done is ask to see the warrant, if there wasnt one, then deny them entry and contact Jays Dad and then a lawyer. Let the lawyer deal with it all.

However, your husbands reaction to kick you out and yell and name call you like that wasnt acceptable behavior. Also, your husband not even being phased by jay having allegedly stolen the gaming system suggests he is used to this from Jay.

At this point I would be seriously questioning my relationship with my husband, if I were you — is this the type of life you want to continue having, with the police coming to the door and being put in that position?

Info: Did the police have a warrant? If they did not have a warrant, they had no business coming inside your home. Do not let the police into your home without a warrant. This isn’t “covering for a criminal”, this is “protecting everybody’s civil rights”.

> I pointed out he was literally just arrested for freaking stealing

And he hasn’t been convicted. The police make mistakes all the time, just like everybody else.

> They are in just as much shock as me because they would have never thought to be rude to the police either and not allow them in

Dude. It’s not *rude* to tell a stranger that they aren’t allowed into your home. Being a cop doesn’t make it different.

YTA.

NTA. But I hope there’s an update for this to see if your husband comes to his sense and stops blaming you for the actions of his thieving child

INFO Did you ask them what it was about before letting them in? Whether you are innocent or not you never let the police take your things or inside without a warrant. It’s not a crime to ask for a warrant. Did they interrogates a child without a lawyer present?

You say you saw your husband unpack the system so with the information you have everyone you knows is innocent.