I (17F) have a step-mom (48F) who married my dad around a year after my mom passed away 3 years ago.
When my mom died, my dad never left his room, he barely spoke to me except for the occasional good morning. He ended up losing his job.
I had to clean, cook, and take on odd jobs mowing people’s lawns or babysitting while in school. I tried to get him to go to therapy. He never spoke about my mom to me and I didn’t want to add to his burden.
He and my step-mom started getting closer, and he seemed so happy. It was so nice. I never complained just because he started leaving his room. But our relationship was not quite as close as before.
My step-mom and I never got along well, it may have been my fault, because I was still mourning my mother and I didn’t want another female parent figure around – it felt like we were trying to replace her. She didn’t try to bond with me either in my defense.
The part that really hurt me was she didn’t want me in the wedding party. She said I was a reminder of my mother, and it would make my dad sad. She made me sit at the back when they walked down the aisle. I just felt lonely, and I didn’t feel like I had anyone.
My dad started working again a few months after they got married, and I got into a really competitive high school, on a scholarship, and now I have assignments and exams all the time.
My step mom never worked, and she didn’t really help around the house either, my dad was working throughout the day, so when I got home from school I would have to clean, then do homework and cook dinner.
My school is online now. My step mother wanted to move to a different part of the US to be closer to her family, but I was scared to move during a pandemic because I have immunity issues, and bad lungs (premature baby). Luckily nothing happened, and its a temporary move, so everythings fine but she didn’t take my feelings into consideration.
But now there’s a time zone, I have to wake up at 5am to start classes. I still have to do work, study, clean the house and cook, do laundry. I’m not ungrateful but it’s just a lot, you know?
I’ve been having to sleep late because of the amount of work so I’m running on 4 or 5 hours a night. I started drinking coffee in the morning to wake up.
I ran out of coffee this week, and when I was making my grocery list I added it, and gave it to her to add whatever she needed.
She told me I’m “not allowed” to have coffee, that I should sleep earlier because coffee is bad for me. I told her if she wanted me to sleep earlier she could help around the house, and she said “I’m the adult here. I make the rules”
This is where I may be the asshole.
I just started crying, and I told her to fuck off. I told her she wasn’t my mom, she never will be, and that I didn’t even want her around. I told her she can’t just parent me whenever she feels like it. Her and my dad haven’t spoken to me in 3 days, and I’m going out of my mind.
Should I just apologize? AITA? Idk, I’m starting to feel like I am.
EDIT:
I’m so overwhelmed by the amount of responses, I feel so warm and supported, thank you guys so much I don’t know if I can express how much this meant to me, I am really really grateful thank you so much for all of your kindness, it made me feel so safe
Lots of you said that my dad was complicit in this, and after reading all of the reasoning, I realize I shouldn’t have solely placed the blame on my step mum, I understand that now. I don’t hate either of them, I think we were put in unfortunate circumstances and reacted in the ways we knew how to, I’m just sorry that the way they reacted hurt me.
I’m going to take your advice though!! I’m didn’t cook dinner or do chores aside from my own today 🙂 Hopefully it goes okay, I’ve only received passive aggressive comments but nothing really major and I’ll have a conversation with my father when I can work up the nerve.
Conclusion
The aftermath of the explosive confrontation leaves the family fractured, with the teen questioning her actions and the path forward. While apologies may be offered, the deep-seated issues of grief, resentment, and unspoken expectations loom large. Can this family truly heal, or are they destined to remain divided by the unresolved pain of the past?
Here’s how people reacted:
Also, if she wants to make rules, you can just calmly say, “Ok. I’m going to bed early then. I won’t be making dinner anymore.” And leave it at that. Give her what she asks for.
Your dad, however agreed to having you not be in the wedding because the new wife was essentially jealous of you? He’s the asshole. You should come first in his life.
Stop cleaning other stuff. Just be petty and only do your things. You’re not their maid. They are grown adults and can take care of themselves. If they say anything, then ask “Grown adults should be able to clean up after themselves. You’re an adult, aren’t you?”
Also, if you’re not already, please get a therapist.
Also – I hope you have money saved. Open your own bank account when you turn 18 so you can start looking forward another place to live.
Is there anyone else you can stay with? Grandparents ? Friends?
Your dad is so disconnected its terrible, and honestly you have cinderellas stepmother.
STOP cleaning and STOP cooking, screw what they say your stepmom can get off her fanny ans act like an adult. Focus on school get into college and get away from this woman
NTA
\#1, I totally agree with the comments that you shouldn’t take care of anything but you. She’s the adult, she can act like it
\#2, Make your escape plan now for when you turn 18
\#3, Once you’re on your own seek therapy if possible to help you deal with this. Having had to be the “adult” way earlier than I should have I can say you may have the same problem with outlook as I did. It’s a mix of feelings that you HAVE to be the responsible party and adult with others no matter how they treat you because internally you’ve become the parent and they’re the kid. That can lead to letting them trample on you, finding yourself confused as to your role in the family, confused as to where you fit into life in general and making life harder on yourself because you’ve forgotten how to accept help.
It’s wrong of your dad to not speak to you for three days. Maybe you should try and speak to him when he’s alone. Not because you’re wrong (you’re not) but because it crappy when your only parent isn’t taking too you.
You also need too cut down your work load to a manageable amount. Let dad and step mum handle some of their business, and concentrate on your studies.
Sorry stepmom, I can’t cook dinner for you and dad anymore because my cooking might remind my dad that my mom was a fabulous cook who taught me all my recipes.
Sorry stepmom, I can’t vacuum anymore because I vacuum how my mom taught me and I might remind dad too much about mom vacuuming our house.
Stepmom are you sure you want me to do your laundry because I wash my clothes exactly how my mom taught me to.
Stepmom, I just realized that I care for dad just like my mom used to. Are you sure you don’t want me to remind dad so much of mom?
/s btw
But you need to talk to your dad out of earshot from stepmom.
“Dad, I love you. I *can not* live like this anymore. When Mom died you were lost in your grief and I had to step up and keep life going. I cooked. I cleaned. I worked multiple jobs. All while still being in school full time. Your grief made me grow up faster than I should have.
I am happy that you met someone else to love. I am angry that you have done so at my expense. Why do you think it’s appropriate for stepmom to treat me like a servant? Why am I the only adult in the house cooking and cleaning, especially when I am still in school? Why is it *my* job to take care of *you*? And why have you sat by and made it my job to take care of *stepmom*?
I didn’t just lose one parent when my mom died. I lost you too. I want my father back. I want to be able to have a good relationship with you. But I can’t be the only one working on it. Things have to change because you are in danger of losing me as well.
I will cook and clean up after myself. I will take care of my own responsibilities like schoolwork. When I have time I will even help do a normal amount of chores to help. But I am done being responsible for you and stepmom. It’s not my burden to take care of two grown able-bodied adults.
I do appreciate the fact that you pay for a roof over my head and food on the table. I respect your opinion when it comes to setting appropriate boundaries to protect me. I still need your help to finish high school. I am just asking for you to respect me as much as I do you. I just want to feel like you are actually acting in my best interest. I don’t want to walk out the door for graduation and never come back. And I am scared that is what will happen if you and stepmom continue to treat me like this.”
It really seems like you have nothing to lose by standing up for yourself. What are they going to do, make you do all the chores you already are doing? Don’t be afraid to call CPS for yourself. Look into being emancipated. See if you have a relative or a friend willing to help you out. It will be hard, but at least you will be only responsible for yourself.
Edit: I mean that figuratively. Don’t hit anyone.
It sounds like you’re a smart kid – if you can get yourself a scholarship, or are comfortable taking student loans, I think you should go off to school and start building your own life. No reason to ever contact step mom again, and maybe dad will come around. If not, you don’t need him anyway.
From what I’m reading here I think you’re gonna do just fine out on your own. A family of people who love and choose you is out there waiting to be found
>The part that really hurt me was she didn’t want me in the wedding party. She said I was a reminder of my mother, and it would make my dad sad. She made me sit at the back when they walked down the aisle. I just felt lonely, and I didn’t feel like I had anyone.
I finished reading, of course, but this was the part that stuck with me. You are your father’s daughter. You are a part of him just as you are a part of your mother. Earlier you said that “it felt like we were trying to replace her,” and that is exactly what she is trying to do. Even more, she is trying to erase her. She wants your father to forget her.
Cherish your memories from before, and try to talk to your dad about this, how you feel, etc. When you turn 18, I suggest leaving, but only if you think you can support yourself financially. She sounds like a toxic woman, and although your father is happy, that is his business, not yours. But you are his business. You are half of him, you deserve an opinion at least.
She hasn’t tried to bond with you or nothing, and from what it sounds like she doesn’t do anything either. She’s like a piece of haunted furniture that moves around every once in awhile, but had the audacity to try to “parent” you because you didn’t do what she wanted. She better calm it down and learn her place as furniture. She long since lost the right to be a parent.
You crossed a line out of frustration, and I’d say it’s a long time coming. However, I think you may need to sit both stepmom and father down and let them know something has to give. It’s fine if your stepmom doesn’t like you, but she still needs to respect you as a human being, and you are not, I REPEAT, you are not Cinderella.
You’re stronger than you know. I’m proud of you for having your shit together by being in a competitive school. It’s hard, but you have shown you’re up to the challenge. You’re still in high school, and honestly your primary chore should be studying and getting good grades, followed by doing enough chores so that you’re contributing but not breaking your back.
I hope it turns around. Keep us posted.
NTA. You have every reason to be upset and so many conversation need to happen that obviously never did. Your stepmom has been cruel. She should have had you in her wedding party or, at the very least, asked if you wouldn’t mind sitting with family in the front. She should have had a conversation with you about how she knows she couldn’t ever replace your mom and doesn’t intend to try. She should have had an open discussion about what your relationship was going to be and about respecting each other’s boundaries. She should have been there as a support to YOU as well as your dad. I’m just so, so sorry. *hugs from an internet stranger*
I would stop doing everything. You look after what you do – mess you’ve made, your room etc. It’s not your role to look after them, and she’s a grown arse woman who doesn’t work. Anyone who is a “stay at home” person should be taking the majority of that workload. Kids should of course help but doing everything is not acceptable. Is there anywhere else you can stay?
OP get a good night’s sleep please.
>I just started crying, and I told her to fuck off.
This is not a reasonable reaction to being told you cant have coffee. Your emotions are a mess, and 4-5 hrs of sleep is often not enough, and certainly isn’t enough if that’s regular. Coffee is a bad substitute for a good night’s sleep.
Speak to a teacher, something, you need a sufficient amount of sleep to perform. You expose yourself to mental issues if you dont sleep properly.