Will this birthday celebration be completely canceled?
I (48F) share two children Pam (15F) and Liam (13M) with my ex-husband Marco (50M). I share a daughter Annie (9F) with my current husband Bruce (46M).
Marco and Bruce are night and day different. Marco works in construction, plays softball on the weekends, and coaches my daughter’s soccer team. Bruce teaches at a university, plays the piano, likes going to the theater, and is an amazing baker and cook.
It’s not uncommon that we will go to one of Pam’s soccer games, and then afterwards, the whole team comes back to the house to enjoy cookies or cupcakes made by Bruce. At the end of the season, we do a big dinner for the team and their parents that Bruce cooks.
Bruce and I have been married for 11 years and every year for the kids’ birthdays, he makes the most incredible cakes. Whatever they like that year, he does. We’ve had Pokémon, Doc McStuffins, Paw Patrol, among others.
February is Pam’s 16th birthday. Her sweet sixteen. Bruce has been planning this gorgeous cake that encompasses all of Pam’s interests and different stages of her life.
The other day another mom sent me a link to a TikTok that Pam and several of her teammates did. It uses audio from an episode of Family Guy. It’s a video of Bruce taking a cake out of the oven with “Chocolate cake, a la Blake,” playing in the background, followed by a cut to my daughter and her teammates with Pam holding up her hand and mouthing along to, “Hundred bucks, Blake is gay,” out of the side of her mouth.
When I confronted Pam, she said it was just a joke. I told her that it wasn’t funny, Bruce saw her and treated her like his daughter, and it was disrespectful to both of us. She told me that I was overreacting.
I told her that if she didn’t take it down, and apologize to Bruce, I’d tell him not to make her a birthday cake. She rolled her eyes and said that she’d take it down.
Shortly after I was walking by her room and heard her on the phone. It was muffled but I heard her talk about me being dramatic over my f-word husband.
I ordered her to hang up the phone. She hung up and said she was just blowing off steam. I called her a spoiled ungrateful brat and how dare she use that word. She started crying and said she didn’t mean it. I told her that her birthday party is canceled, there will be no sweet sixteen, and that I was going to tell Bruce to stop baking for the team and that we would never do a team dinner again.
I am still so angry. Marco told me that I need to let it go, that I’m expecting too much from a teenager, and that he would have a party for her if I didn’t. Bruce was hurt when he found out but thinks that we should still let her have her party. My sister tells me not to doubt myself and I made the right call, but I wonder if I’m acting with too much hot blood.
Edit: The f-word I am referring to is a slur for gay men.
Edit 2: Forgot a word above so I edited. Also, to clarify, I did not punish her for the TikTok video, as much as it irritated me. I told her to take it down and apologize to Bruce or there would be no birthday cake. She agreed to take it down. The punishment came when I heard her refer to Bruce as my f—-t husband.
I did not raise her to be a homophobe, to use that word, or to disrespect anyone in her life. Especially someone who has loved her and doted on her from the moment he came into her life.
Conclusion
The drama surrounding Pam’s sixteenth birthday has reached a boiling point. After a shocking TikTok and harsh words, it seems her dream celebration is on the chopping block.
Can this family overcome the disrespect and salvage the big day, or has the line been crossed for good?
Here’s how people reacted:
Homophobic slurs are not funny. Homophobic stereotyping is not cute. Shaming the guy who makes her birthday cakes and feeds her team—for baking and cooking!—is really nasty and inappropriate.
It’s reasonable that if your daughter doesn’t value Bruce’s efforts, and thinks his contributions are somehow shameful, that she should not receive them.
I feel like using slurs is pretty severe and a cancelled party is proportionate.
I’d maybe do a small family party or something, but good parenting on cancelling the more elaborate friends one.
Cancelling team dinners is a little extreme, but all the girls involved should apologize to your husband.
From your ex-husband’s response, are you sure that he isn’t encouraging her attitude towards your husband?
You need to sit down and have a strong conversation with your daughter about how being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, even though Bruce isn’t. But being a homophobe and a bigot is a huge cause for shame and you raised her better.
Then I would recommend therapy for her to get to the root of where this behavior is coming from.
CONSEQUENCES FOR ACTIONS.
Tell your ex that her facing no consequences will never teach her anything. That she is 16, not 6 years old, and is old enough to know what is right from wrong. If you don’t provide a consequence for her actions she will continue this behavior and may target and bully others via social media.
She chose to not only do the video but then she chose to talk crap on the phone.
However….. You might want to ease off on the lasting impact of this decision. Tell her that you are not happy at all with her choices and there has to be consequences. The party is off, but if there is a sincere apology (without the usual teenage girl bullshit), you all might be able to get back to a comfortable place. Whether Bruce continues baking or not is his call, and should be made as a team.
Her teammates took part in that video so they shouldn’t benefit from Bruce either. Not sure if all the other parents know about the video but I’d let them know.
It’s not ok to use homophobic slurs. Her behavior can get her in some trouble that could affect her future. She needs to learn that it’s not ok. After you confronted her she still continued to dig herself into a deeper hole. Don’t reward bad behavior-you won’t be doing her any favors by continuing with her party or her team.
Your ex saying he will throw her a party is a problem too. Yes, she’s a teenager but she’s old enough to know right from wrong as well. A simple I’m sorry isn’t going to magically fix this and make it okay.
Also, ask her, does she want to do all the cooking and cleaning and child rearing when she grows up? If baking is for gay guys and women, that’s the future she’s setting herself up for. As a woman I’d be disappointed as fuck if my two daughters said shit like that. She’s not only an asshole but also an idiot.
Either she nurtures her bigotry and learns to hide it, or she grows up. I’m not sure there’s a way to know how she’ll internalize this incident, but I don’t think canceling the party is an asshole move. There might be a better move out there, but I’m not experienced in parenting. What I know is that the bigotry needs to be dealt with, and it’s not your fault if you try to deal with it and she doesn’t learn.
Some people are too far gone at 15 and some people are not.