My husband and I are slightly more well off than my sister’s family. Because of this, my parents do more for them than they do us. When it comes to gifts, my daughter (Maddie, 7) gets things from the dollar store while my nephews get whole Lego sets, iPads, and even Disney trips.
If my sister needs babysitting, they will drop everything for her last minute. If I need it, I have to give them a two week’s heads up as well as proper payment.
Because of this clear favoritism, my daughter doesn’t have a good relationship with them. If you ask her about her grandparents, her mind automatically goes to my husband’s parents because she forgets that she has two pairs.
Earlier today, we were having a rare meet up with my parents. My daughter asked if she could go on the trampoline outside. My dad said no because it’s for my nephews. My daughter begged, but Dad still said no. Maddie then stomps away and said, “This is why I like the other grandma and grandpa more.” My parents looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t do anything.
I recently got off a call with my mom, saying I should have told Maddie that was wrong to say. I told her, “What do you expect? She thinks y’all hate her, and y’all do nothing to dispel those thoughts.” She just got quiet for a bit, then said I still shouldn’t let her say something like that to family and hung up.
My husband is on my side, but he also isn’t a fan of my family, so I need an outside opinion. AITA?
Edit: To make some of you feel better, we don’t bring her around them often; she only sees them on holidays with the rest of our extended family. We were only visiting today to get something I was left in a will. As for babysitting, I have only asked twice in extreme emergencies, and they said no.
I have talked to them about this, but they say it’s not favoritism; she just needs less help because we are better off.
Update: Just got off the phone with my uncle. Apparently, Dad called him ranting about how disrespectful we are. Apparently, this all stems from me going to college. Dad said since I had to be all hoity-toity and go to college, I shouldn’t need his help and I should be living the easy life.
He also said I’m selfish for trying to take help away from those who need it. Not sure what to think about all that; he’s never brought up having a problem with that before. I’m going to discuss this with the rest of the family because with the holidays approaching, I don’t want to cut everybody else out to avoid them, so I’m going to ask how they feel about all this.
Conclusion
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and this father’s bitter rant reveals a shocking truth about his daughter’s college choice. Will the rest of the family stand by his side, or will this favoritism finally come to light?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your daughter SAID something they don’t like and it’s a direct result of what they DO.
Your parents are more concerned about your daughter owing them respect (or what they consider respect) than they are about her preferring her other grandparents and feeling unloved.
The favoritism of which your daughter is the victim is not acceptable and she should no longer be put in this situation. They wouldn’t be allowed to see my daughter if they made such a difference between their grandchildren. This kind of injustice leaves its mark right up to adulthood and build resentment between the kids.
“My daughter asked if she can go on the trampoline outside. My dad said no because it’s for my nephews. My daughter begged but dad still said no.”
The rest of the favoritism to their other grandchildren aside, forbidding your daughter to use the trampoline makes no sense. Of course a 7 y o isn’t going to understand.
“She then said I still shouldn’t let her say something like that to family and hung up”
Perhaps she should start treating your daughter like she *is* family then.
How to phrase this; I think Y-T-A for subjecting your daughter to this. For asking us ‘is it okay for my daughter to stand up for herself’ instead of having stood up for her already, set boundaries and limitations and cut these people out of Maddie’s life entirely when they failed to treat her fairly and equally. For talking about what Maddie did at the age of 7 instead of putting your foot down when she was 4.
You’re N-T-A for supporting what Maddie said. But you are an AH for letting it get to here in the first place. The way Maddie advocated for herself wasn’t super appropriate, but you’ve never once advocated for her and shown her a good example of what they should be. If you had, we wouldn’t be here.
Are you sure it’s just the difference in finances?
When we were little, me and my siblings were treated like your daughter or worse from our parental grandparents. At the time we didn’t get why they hated us and it hurt, growing up we learned something they never tried to hide but we were to little to understand: our father was the scapegoat, they treated him like shit and the other siblings could do no wrong.
**Its been 7 years of this behaviour towards your daughter, that’s enough you should cut her time with your parents.**
You should have been the one to step in and say something, not a 7-year-old child.
I think it’s time for those “rare” meetups to become never.
I am confused as to why she wasn’t allowed on the trampoline, like it’s got a limited amount of bounces that the nephews are entitled to and your daughter can’t use them?
Your Dad said no for the sake of saying No, everything else aside he was just being mean to your daughter.
Good on her for speaking up, they show with their actions and words that they prefer your nephews so she returned the sentiment.
As someone that grew up wealthy parents, this is absolutely something that kids NOTICE.
We always had to wrap lavish gifts for the entire family and have holidays together while my siblings and I sat by watching our cousins get all kinds of gifts. We didn’t even get candy canes or cards. Nothing. It’s hard on kids.
I don’t understand why adults play favorites like this as it’s more than clear that it DOES impact children even if they never mention it (I didn’t).
Your parents (forgive me) are TAs for putting your daughter in this situation or expecting her to feel\\act a different way. It’s bad enough to be excluded but it’s outrageous to expect everyone else to pretend it’s not happening, especially the person\\people being excluded.
Do you really think that they behave like this because you have more money than your sister? I don’t. I think they had daughters and wanted sons. They got grandsons from your sister and treat them better than your daughter.
Keep her away from these toxic people. I don’t care that they are your parents. They mistreat your child and that’s the only thing you should consider.
Don’t take your daughter there again because all they will do is make her feel less than she is. And tell them that you are not going to subject her to their blatant favouritism of your nephews any longer.
Your dad is absolutely horrible but at least he’s open about his favouritism. Telling your daughter that she can’t play on the trampoline because it’s for the boys is the most honest thing either of your parents has done and it’s also the perfect reason to end this shit show right now.
Use your spare time to visit your husband’s family. Let your daughter be loved. She’s worth it. Your parents are not.
Did they say that because it BELONGED to the nephews, because they are allowed to use it but not your daughter out of principle, they know the nephews know how to use it more safely or better, ect.? Even if you cite a reason, do you REALLY know if it is? Did they cite a more detailed reason while all the begging was going on?
Your daughter is a bloody legend because she stood up for herself and said what you should have already said. You should be very proud of her.
Do not put your daughter in a situation, like holidays or birthdays, where she has to see she’s somehow less in they’re eyes.
Your parents are NOT okay to be openly giving fancy gifts to your nephews and not your daughter. They should be treated equal. Period. I understand if they want to write a cheque to your sibling to help out if they’re struggling. But to make it such clear favouritism—to not even let her use the trampoline?? Wtaf
You should 100% be standing up for your daughter. Allowing this behaviour is NOT okay.
When I was little, my grandparents, for god knows what reason, favoured my sibling over me in similar ways. Not only was it super hurtful that they did this (eventually they did go to therapy and changed), but it was SO hurtful that my parents didn’t stand up for me. My 5 year old sibling was the only one who told them it wasn’t okay.
Notice how she didn’t dispute what you said. Just that you dared to say it out loud.