YTA

> At this point Nara spoke up, saying that the authentic recipes included such and such and how their particular scent and taste added to the whole experience of eating the dish. She said if so many substitutes were used, they may as well call the dish a different name.

That is **super** fucking rude to do in public like that.

> Nara was not being rude, just matter of fact

Truth and demeanor have nothing to do with being an asshole.

YTA. Nara was extremely rude. This woman opened up her home and spent time and money to prepare this meal. Nara trashed it before she was ate it. Maybe you and Nara don’t realize this but there are different ways to prepare a cultural dish. Not everyone in a particular culture prepares their food the exact same way. Maybe the dish tastes similarly to the way it was prepared when the hostess ate it during her travels. Your stepdaughter needs to learn graciousness and respect.

If I pulled something like this when I was her age, my mom would make me write an apology letter to the mom. Then she would volunteer our family to host the next team get together and make me do all of the cooking by myself so I would learn to have respect for people who invite me into their home and prepare a meal for me. The team captain is also an ungrateful brat. If her stepmom is so annoying, she needs to handle the hosting duties for these gatherings herself.

YTA – Not a huge AH but still. Being a gracious guest is a skill everyone should learn. Was your stepdaughter technically right? Probably. But she made the host uncomfortable unnecessarily. I get that it may be a pain point for her, given her mother passed away, but she was actually being rude. The host wanted to share something with her guests that she obviously was proud of, and your stepdaughter called her out in front of everyone.

Im going to go against the grain and say NTA. It sounds like thr host had butchered the food the country as from and trying to sound as if she knew a lot about it when she didn’t. The host sounds tiresome and entitled. Yes ots important to be civil and courteous as a guest but that doesn’t mean to be silent when someone is proudly butchering your food. Also this line

>Nara’s team captain later called her, thanking her for putting her “annoying stepmom in her place.”

Makes it sound like the host does thisbon a regular. NTA

YTA.

And you can bet Nara won’t be invited to anymore team events. She is a guest. “Matter of fact” is just a polite way to say rude.

Nara could have said “When I had it the chef used X, Y, and Z.” Or “I have never had it with local ingredients.” and left it at that. But it is rude to comment on the dish before it has even been eaten and then said comments should have been made privately and to her parents, not to the host. Thank you. Thank you is what you say to the host.

NAH. Yikes, I’m surprised at all the comments saying you should have told Nara off. If someone had swapped out a heap of ingredients for a thanks giving dinner I bet everyone would say it wasn’t rude to point that out. Nara knew the dish and the host insisting that they knew what was right over someone who’s cultural heritage is from that country smacks of privilege to me. If I cooked a traditional dish and someone who knew better than me told me it wasn’t right I’d be asking how to make it correctly and asking where to get the ingredients.

YTA. Even if you’re right, it’s in poor taste to correct someone’s recipe when she invited you to her home and cooked for you, especially in front of everyone. Nara is a child, so she might not understand, but as the adult, you should have intervened. The fact that the team captain called and thanked Nara for “putting her stepmother in her place” only shows it was humiliating for that woman.

This could harm Nara because that woman may talk to other parents about Nara’s lack of manners, making others unwilling to invite her to their homes.

INFO: what is the dish?

NTA. Some white lady was trying to get cultural points while completely disrespecting a culture. Your stepdaughter corrected her in a factual way. She wasn’t gentle about it but it’s not her responsibility to accommodate the feelings of adults who have misstepped.
Before anyone tries to start something, I’m also a white lady. I hope if I ever pulled this shit, someone would call me out on it.

NTA. OP’s daughter was right. The host could have presented the dish in a different manner and nothing would have been said. All she had to say was the dish was inspired by one of their favorites but it isn’t as good as the original as they couldn’t find the local ingredients. Instead, she comes across as all knowing and made the use of local ingredients seem irrelevant. It’s a bit insensitive coming from an adult.

“I’m just being honest” is a poor excuse for being rude.

Candor is being forthcoming in what you say. Respect is being considerate in how you say it.

Being direct with the content of your feedback doesn’t prevent you from being thoughtful about the best way to deliver it.

NTA. Nara is 12 and sharing information about her heritage. Instead of being offended, everyone could have recognized that Nara is 12. The host could have engaged in the conversation with Nara, since she is clearly interested in the culture or she wouldn’t have made such a big deal about making a version of the dish, but she chose to be offended instead.

If Nara was not 12, Nara likely would have had a less abrasive way to say it but would have been in the right to say it anyway.

**I am reminded of a British TV show host who commented “If it had <different ingredient> it would be <different dish>.” And the horrified & insulted chef replied “If my grandmother had wheels she’d be a bicycle!”.**

I’m honestly split on this one.

There’s no doubt that Nara’s behaviour would be considered breathtakingly rude by most people’s standards. Social etiquette dictates that if someone is hosting you and cooking for you, you need to be polite and gracious, even if you don’t like the food. You don’t have to lie, but show that you are grateful for their efforts (and for goodness sake don’t publicly embarrass them).

On the other hand, it sounds like Nara, despite her age, DOES have greater expertise about this dish, and the adults should respect her cultural and familial connection with it.

IMO I don’t think Nara should be punished, but some advice & tips on how to graciously handle similar situations in the future would be to her benefit. NAH.

This is what 12 year olds are like.
NTA, exactly, but it did need to be addressed. She was rude, but in a very normal for a 12 yo way. Speaking to her about it in front of others would have been the wrong move, so it was good to not do it right then.

But also, the hostess was being a PITA.

NTA – as someone who has a mixed heritage and had exposure to a variety of different cuisines growing up nothing grates me more than someone trying to serve up an authentic dish which is nothing like what it’s supposed to be.

The substitution of ingredients is iffy….. there’s certain ingredients which are synonymous with a dish and if you change them then it just isn’t the same. You wouldn’t serve a pizza with no cheese or a curry without rice, or a roast dinner without gravy. The type of pastry used for a samosa, patty, sausage roll or Cornish pasty is vital to the recipe. The herbs and spices you use make a huge impact – I can tell if they’re not present.

If someone wants to be experimental with their cooking they should be open to feedback.

Also the claim of not being able to get the ingredients is a bit off to me – in my experience it’s not difficult to get hold of unusual ingredients if you know where to shop. We have Jamaican, African, Chinese and polish shops in abundance here in shops and to order online.

If you want to cook an authentic dish then you should make the effort to do it properly, go and source the ingredients and find out the techniques – and until then you don’t call it that, but just something you invented.

Visiting a place on a holiday doesn’t give you free reign to claim to be an expert

YTA- Although she was correct, she was a guest. She needs to learn to conduct herself accordingly.

Nta. She wasnt criticizing the overall taste of the food or whether it tasted good or bad. She was correcting the *information* the host was sharing to the group. The host was rude to claim knowledge of something she clearly knew very little about. If the host had said “this is my spin on it” then sure, itd be different. But, she put info out there as fact and was wrong. Then, doubled down instead of listening to someone with real, lived experience, wrongfully assuming her travels 20 years ago gave her some sort of claim. Im glad that Nara felt confident enough to be able to speak up about her heritage and correct people who dont have all the info.

I think WHAT she criticized here is the deciding factor. She didn’t criticize the taste of the food. She corrected the name of it.

If you’re serving a dish from another country or culture, thats great, but its a real asshole move to think you know how best to make it or how it should taste over someone else with actual connections (especially if you know you arent using the right ingredients, intentionally). If i were in the hosts position, i would be HAPPY Nara shared that info with me bc if the hosts goal is to make this dish, she should welcome input from someone who knows it so well so she can make it as good as possible. Id love that kind of input, tbh.

The audacity of showing up at someone’s house, who cooked for you and you let an entitled little 12 year old brat criticize the host?? Yeah, you and your stepdaughter YTA

NTA—- You’re not mom, nor stepmom…you are just Dad’s Girlfriend. It’s Dad’s responsibility to have raised her with manners. You have only been the GF for a year you said. You are barely part of her life having moved recently to be living with them and clearly haven’t had the opportunity to set up what is your role.

Your boyfriend leaves you in charge of his daughter to go on a work trip and then criticizes you for not being what he wants you to be about an instance that would obviously involve a delicate situation involving the daughter defending her dead mother’s cultural cuisine.

There is no handbook for raising stepchildren who had a parent die.

There is no handbook for raising stepchildren from a different race/ethnicity/culture.

You are not an asshole for doing nothing.

You aren’t stepmom and correcting your boyfriend’s daughter in regards to something about her dead mom is a minefield. You would have been an asshole if you punished her without Dad’s input. You would have been the asshole if you insulted her dead mom inadvertently even. You stayed quiet when it wasn’t your place as not a legal guardian and not a member of the race/culture being discussed.

Surprisingly unpopular but NTA. I’m an Indonesian living in Australia, and the number of times some white person has made “authentic indonesian” angers me. It’s not that the dish itself isn’t good, but they substitute the main spices of the dish into something “milder” and it just makes it bland.

Your stepdaughter is standing up for her heritage and I think it’s beautiful and empowering. I lost my Mum a few years ago and I’ve been living abroad for 8 years now. Food is one way to connect with my Mum and my heritage and I’ll always be defensive on how people make it. Not to gatekeep, but more to celebrate. Stop slapping the word “authentic” around and start using the word “fusion.