My dad (42) and his fiancée (Alice, 28) are getting married in November. I (15f) didn’t really like Alice because I think she replaced my mom too soon. My mom died of cancer two years ago, and she and dad started dating eight months after. I try to be as polite as I can whenever she’s around or starts a conversation with me.
Dad never forced me to have a relationship with her, and I can also see that she’s not interested in having one.
After they got engaged, Alice approached me and said we needed to talk. She said she has a clear vision of how she wants her wedding to be and that I have to comply so that everything will be perfect. I said sure and asked her what I need to do. She said, “First, I want you to cut your hair short; second, you can’t wear heels, and lastly, only wear light make-up and no fake lashes.
Okay?” I let her finish before I responded. I said I can do the second and third, but I will not be cutting my hair. My mom loves my hair and helped me grow them thick and healthy. I got my blonde wavy hair from my mom, so I will keep it long. Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her.
I said that’s not what I’m trying to do, and I think it’s unfair since I know she didn’t make these demands on her other female guests. She then called me a selfish brat and told me she’ll tell my dad about how I “disrespected her”.
My dad then got involved and told me to just cut my hair because it will grow back anyway. I said her request is ridiculous, and I’d rather not attend their wedding than cut my hair.
I think I have put my dad in a tight situation, and I am now considering cutting my hair because I know my presence at the wedding will make my dad happy. But growing my hair back to lower back length will take a long time.
AITA if I refuse to cut my hair?
Edit: I am 5’7″ while Alice is 5’6″, so I kinda understand why she wants me to wear flats. I offered to tie my hair or put it in a bun, but she said that won’t do. I am not part of the entourage.
Edit 2: Yes, I look a lot like my mom. I got my hair, eyes, and smile from her.
Edit 3: Thank you so much for all your kind words. My mom’s parents live in Ireland. Dad’s parents live in Colorado (we’re in Florida), but I do talk to them two to three times a week. I will follow all your advice and be on guard for my hair. Again thank you all.
I appreciate your condolences and kind words.
Edit 4: I am overwhelmed by the love and support you guys have given. Thank you for the validation. I WILL NOT CUT MY HAIR. If it means not going to the wedding, then I will just stay with my mom’s sister (in Georgia) on that day. To everyone who expressed their concerns about inheritance/will, I don’t really mind if dad gave everything to his future family.
He and mom (surgeon) had separate bank accounts, and mom left everything to me. Yes, I have an Irish passport. But I will not be studying there as I plan to get into Johns Hopkins University and be a surgeon like mom.
Conclusion
The internet rallies behind the teen as she stands her ground, refusing to cut her hair for the wedding. Will she attend the ceremony, or has the fiancée’s ultimatum driven a wedge too deep?
Here’s how people reacted:
Edit: I just wanted to add that you’re clearly the mature one here, and I’m deeply sorry for your loss, and it’s good that you’re still in contact with your grandparents on a weekly basis, but this isn’t a battle you should be fighting, because you’re 15! Confide in those adults you trust and have _them_ come after your idiot father and brat of a step-mother. Explain to them what you’ve written here.
Wait, you’ve had 2 years since your mom died?
>I think she replaced my mom too soon
That’s absolutely a fair response, and your dad should bear this in mind.
>She said she has a clear vision of how she wants her wedding to be and that I have to comply so that everything will be perfect
Off the bat, she’s making her wedding a you problem. You’re 15, and you’ve known her less than 2 years. If the wedding has a problem, it’s not going to be you.
>first, I want you to cut your hair short
Not a reasonable request for anyone at a wedding, she’s the AH for this request alone.
>My mom loves my hair and helped me grow them thick and healthy. I got my blonde wavy hair from my mom so I will keep it long. Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her
Alice is doubly an asshole.
>she’ll tell my dad about how I “disrespected her”
Tripling down on being an asshole.
>My dad then got involved and told me to just cut my hair because it will grow back anyway
Your dad became an asshole here. Also, he never taught her to respect you, so he’s an asshole for that. She wouldn’t have asked you in the first place if she’d had any respect for you.
>her request is ridiculous and I’d rather not attend their wedding than to cut my hair
You’re 15. You’re old enough to stay home or at a friend’s house for the duration.
First of all, good on you for standing up for yourself. Your dad’s fiancée is an asshole, and she has no respect for you, or the grief you’ve spent 2 years processing. To go off like that after finding out it’s something you treasure because of your mom, I’m disappointed in your dad for staying with her. There are some things you never do, and disrespecting a child’s deceased parent is one of them.
Please find something fun to do on the day, and maybe tell someone outside of the situation what’s going on. Grandparents or a family friend, someone who knows you and would stand up for you.
NTA
Stepmom is jealous of you, which is creep as sh*t.
Who looks at a minor with “You’ll upstage me!”
Don’t cut your hair.
This is absolutely outrageous. You aren’t an accessory at her wedding for goodness sake!
Does your grandma or grandpa know what your father is allowing?
NTA x 1000h
That said, is there some kind of compromise possible? Like a hat? Being as bald as an egg, Im afraid I cant offer any other alternatives due to ignorance.
But dont cut your hair for a wedding of all things. Also lol @ “It will grow back”. Wtf!
I would have been tempted to respond with “Will it take longer to grow back than your marriage will last?”. Dont say that btw. Lol
NTA
if you have a college fund, do everything in your power to have your dad lock it away in a 529 education savings account *right now* because I guarantee you that Alice will see “money” and think “available for my dream wedding”.
If you can get it in your name without him on the account, so much the better.
You could offer to wear your hair up and if that’s not acceptable don’t feel bad about not attending. Alice sounds jealous of you and very calculating, and is using your father’s desire to please someone 14 years his junior as a way to put a wedge between him and you, because he really should have had your back and not let Alice think she can make that kind of demand of you.
I would also make it clear to her Dad that Op will be polite to the woman as she will become her father’s wife and appears to make him happy. But, as the woman is only 13 years older than Op, Op will never view her as a parental figure. GF will always be referenced as my father’s wife. Any change in reference must be earned, not automatically granted.
Op and the woman will just have to learn to how to coexist until Op is old enough to move out.
And, should the new wife choose to have children, she should expect to take care of her own children. Op will not agree to any parentification.
Best to lay down your boundaries now. Hopefully Op might have the option of being able to move in with her maternal grandparents if that is possible.
Absolutely do not cut your hair!! She has no right to tell you what to do with your hair. Even if you were apart of the bridal party she would have no right to do that.
Also it makes me a little suspicious that she snagged your dad only 8 months after your mother’s death and getting married only 2 years later. That she is displaying A LOT of jealousy towards you and is managing to cause some turmoil in your relationship with your dad.
Does your dad by any chance make any decent money or have anything significant to leave behind if/when he passes? What does her background look like? I’m curious to know if there is any possibility that she is a gold digger and took advantage of a grieving widower. If not she has some serious insecurities that she is projecting on to you. Unfortunately either way there isn’t much you can do but bare through the next 3 years until you can go out on your own.
My condolences about your mother. Losing a mom is nowhere easy and its natural to hang onto what you can. Much love to you OP and I’ll be praying for you ❤
And even if you were her friggin Maid of Honor, she should not be asking you to cut your hair. There’s absolutely no reason her “perfect wedding” could be marred by your long hair.
If it was a distinctive feature of your mother’s and you share it, I guess I can see she might be insecure about anything resembling your mother or any reminders of her. But that is HER OWN issue to deal with, through therapy and with your father. If she can’t handle that she’s marrying a widow with a child who resembles the lost spouse, then it’s not gonna be a great marriage and it certainly can only widen the divide between you.
NTA.
Edit: is it possible to compromise on an updo?
(BTW is this an american thing, with the vision of the wedding, and being able to dictate other peoples appearance? german here)
They are not accepting your bodily autonomy which extends to your hair, which is disrespectful at the best of times.
Only alter your appearance in such a way that you can be happy after the wedding, if this haircut makes you absolutely miserable do not do it. Your happiness for maybe 4 years (depending on how long your hair is) or longer, is not worth the happiness this woman would feel in one day.
(ALSO if you do (have to) cut off your hair (for your own safety in that family), consider if you would like to donate it in memory of your mother, some charities take hair donations for wigs they will give to cancer patients, you would need to check and find your regional charity that does this, or talk to hairdressers)
I’m sorry you are in this situation, and hope you find a solution that makes you happy.