My wife Katie (25F) and I (28M) had our first baby together about 3 months ago. I’m an athlete, and Katie’s a stay-at-home mom.
Sleep is very important for me because of my sport. I can’t be waking up multiple times throughout the night and be sleep-deprived. Katie and I talked about this before trying for a kid, and I told her that I can’t compromise my sleep for anything short of an emergency.
I specifically mentioned that I wouldn’t be waking up during the night to help with the baby, but we could hire a night nurse to help out.
Things had been going smoothly until a few days ago, when Katie was being cold and distant. I asked if something was wrong, and she said everything was fine. She was quiet for a while, then finally mentioned that it’s extremely unfair that I’m not helping her at all with the baby during the night.
I acknowledged that she has been working hard and not getting much sleep, but we also previously agreed to this arrangement.
Katie has refused to hire a night nurse to help because she doesn’t trust someone new to watch our baby alone during the night. I suggested that she could have a family member help, but she didn’t want to burden them.
So we’ve been at an impasse. She still doesn’t want to hire help, and I’m still not waking up during the night.
Additional Info:
We have a maid that cleans and does the laundry multiple times per week, and we also have a meal delivery service that makes a majority of our food. So I’m not just dumping tons of housework on her.
Katie doesn’t have a problem with the maid being around the baby because she’s known her for a while now.
We’ve also been going to regular doctor and therapist appointments; they don’t think she’s suffering from postpartum.
Hiring a night nurse would not be a financial burden, so the cost isn’t the issue.
I spend as much time as I can caring for and bonding with our baby, just not during the night when I’m sleeping.
EDIT FOR CLARITY:
I am a professional athlete, and my sport is our primary source of income.
UPDATE
Some of you mentioned the idea of doing a test run period with a night nurse helping out during the day while other people are awake and around, which I think is a good idea.
I talked to Katie about hiring a night nurse to temporarily help her out during the day, and she agreed and seemed happy about the idea. That way she can get familiar with the new nurse and feel more comfortable about transitioning to a full night type of arrangement.
She also apologized for lashing out at me and explained that she was mostly too embarrassed to ask her family for more help when she already has hired help as a stay-at-home mom. So we agreed to ask my sister since they have a really good relationship.
My sister has offered to come by 1 or 2 nights per week to watch our son until Katie’s comfortable having the night nurse be full time and alone. That way Katie immediately gets at least some uninterrupted sleep too for now.
As some of you figured out, I play baseball. Season officially starts in late March with Spring Training late Feb, so I won’t be home much because of the travel schedule. So that at least gives us a couple months to get comfortable with a night nurse/nanny so she isn’t too overwhelmed.
Thank you all for the feedback, both good and bad.
Conclusion
In a surprising turn, a compromise is reached, proving that communication and a willingness to adapt can overcome even the toughest marital challenges. The new parents find a path forward, ensuring both baby and dad get the rest they need.
Here’s how people reacted:
I hope if things don’t improve with baby’s sleep she will hire a night nurse so she isn’t so resentful, as unfortunately sounds like that’s where things are going.
Best of luck to you all.
But maybe you can give a little? Is there a night of the week you can let the wife sleep? Maybe have who ever the night nanny would be over for some day nanny stuff to build trust? You shouldn’t compromise your profession, especially athletic ones that have health/injury risks that would also compromise your future earnings, but maybe this is sign your wife just needs more help than she thought and you gotta adapt somehow.
INFO: Are you a professional athlete, and does the family income rely on you playing your sport?
NTA. I’m never a fan of anyone who agrees to something, then decides to be angry at someone else for their decision. Especially when other options are offered.
But caring for one baby is all she’s expected to do, not even cook or clean, and she’s given money to hire a nanny if she wants, too, and has a maid to watch the baby during the day! So if she’s tired from being up at night the maid can watch baby while she sleeps! She has it better than almost every new mother on the planet.
I think you can safely say at this point you’ve offered every solution you can think of but negotiating on your sleep isn’t on the table. The maid can become the day nanny and if she doesn’t want to hire anyone for nights, your wife has become a night nanny of her own child. If half the day watching her own child is too much, she’s not well and needs to accept that and hire someone.
Lots of people claim they need their sleep, but most people don’t have jobs they could lose or could get gravely injured on for one bad day like you do— you’re the only one who knows what it takes for you to perform at this level.
My husband was making most of the money and had to rise early for work, plus had on-call responsibilities that sometimes interrupted his sleep. We could afford some help, but not nearly so much as you and your wife. We divided it up so my husband got up with our son on Friday and Saturday nights but slept in on weekends as long as needed. I got up with our son all other nights, plus got up with him when he was up for the day, and I got a nap when my husband got off work in the afternoon.
It was absolutely brutal and I was not a happy, well-adjusted person. It’s easy for people to say your wife agreed to this and so she should accept how things are. But my ability to trust other people with my son was one of the first things to erode when I was sleep deprived. It had to be! The only thing to keep me awake on my fourth 20 hour day in a row was the stone cold certainty that my son would die without me, personally, keeping an eye on him. I couldn’t just turn that off for any new person who walked through the door. Do you sort of understand? When you are holding on so tight, you have to let go slowly and not all at once. So it’s not as simple as just “well hire someone then.” Your mind is absorbed by every morbid story of every terrible thing that’s ever happened when a mom trusted a babysitter in the history of babysitters and you think “no, surely I will just stay awake because I can only depend on myself now.” It’s irrational as hell but it’s the only thing that keeps you going.
Normally I’d side with mom 100%. It sucks being the only one getting up with the baby, been there done that twice. With my first, we had a similar understanding. My husband worked early mornings in a field that sleep deprivation was not only unsafe for him, but everyone involved. Was I a bit salty? Yes. But- we agreed on that and had an understanding before hand so I never made a fuss and just soldiered through until the baby slept through the night. So I get your wife’s viewpoint but if she agreed to it and has plenty of help during the day to at least maintain her sanity, it’s just a sucky part of being a new parent.
She needs a serious reality and entitlement check
Or maybe adjust everybody’s sleep schedules a bit. Whichever of you is more naturally a night owl gets the later baby duties and the other gets an early bedtime. Whichever is a better early bird gets the morning baby duties and the other gets to sleep in. There’s still going to be some overlap where you’re both asleep, but it could help.
And remember this phase doesn’t last forever. Eventually baby will sleep longer stretches and you can both have a full night of sleep.
I don’t think she grasps how incredibly privileged and lucky she is. She doesn’t have to cook, she doesn’t have to clean, she has the ability to not even really get up at night either.
Please don’t have another child with this woman.
You’re not one because you need your sleep in order to maintain your performance levels as an athlete.
She is not one because she doesn’t trust a night nurse. Do you have any family members that would be able to assist in this burden that you can hire to be a night nurse? Nor her family, but yours? I know she says she doesn’t want to burden them, but maybe someone in either of your families would be interested in doing this. Because there are some night-owl-ish people out there that this would be a good job for.
I can’t count how many posts I’ve read about Dad needing to get a full night sleep despite having a new baby, and every single one calls him the asshole. These Dads included a doctor, a factory foreman and a truck driver. Jobs where falling asleep on the job means life and death to other people.
But an athlete? God forbid he doesn’t get a full night’s sleep and misses a pitch the next day!
Why the hell is the *doctor* an asshole for needing enough sleep so he doesn’t kill a patient due to fatigue, but this guy is entitled to enough sleep so he doesn’t disapoint his fans?