My husband (M30), my baby (11 months), and me (F28) have a holiday planned with a few adult friends (we will be about 9 people in total) and have rented a holiday house for a week abroad. Two of our friends, Mel (F32) and Pete (M31), are going to bring their dog along.
For context, I used to be absolutely terrified of dogs when I was a child but have been able to get rid of that fear due to intensive therapy. However, I still feel a bit uneasy when around dogs running around freely and jumping up on me.
Now, my baby has started crawling and moving around a lot more during the past few days. Yesterday, my friend Mel asked whether I was going to bring a play pen on holiday so that my baby can crawl around and play in it. The problem I see is that this play pen is only 90x90cm, so there is not a huge amount of space for her to play in.
At home, she happily moves from one room to the other.
Here is where I might be the a**hole:
I texted my friend yesterday that we’ll have to find a compromise during our holiday that works for both their (really big) dog and my baby. I am terrified that my baby will pull on the dog’s fur and get bitten or worse. As she is only little, it is impossible to teach her how to act around animals in the next few weeks, especially since we don’t have any dogs in our immediate family.
I don’t find it reasonable to expect the others to carry my baby around all day as if she were still a newborn or confine her to a play pen. My friends are treating me like I am the problem and that it will work itself out (I am just really concerned for my daughter’s safety).
Plus, there will be definitely alcohol involved, so I have no guarantee that Mel will have full control of her dog (I will be the only one not drinking as I am still breastfeeding my baby).
Am I the AITA?
Conclusion
Tensions rise as a mother’s valid safety concerns clash with her friends’ seemingly dismissive attitudes. Will a compromise be found, or will this vacation end in disaster, leaving everyone questioning who was in the wrong?
Here’s how people reacted:
When you texted your friend back, what did you offer in the way of compromise to keep baby safe? Has the dog been around babies before? Has baby been around dogs before, at all? Is it possible for baby and dog to meet each other before the trip?
Dogs can be — and often are — great with babies, but some dogs really really don’t like babies or small children. They’re loud, they move suddenly and in unpredictable ways, they smell funny (to the dog’s very sensitive smeller, not insulting your kid).
Strange new surroundings (which can put both dogs and babies on edge), a baby that’s new to the dog, a dog that’s new to the baby, adults on vacation and drinking…. sounds like a recipe for disaster unless *all* the adults involved are willing and able to commit to a mutually agreed set of rules for management of baby & dog.
It’s perfectly reasonable to be concerned about a dog having access to the baby. It would be unfair to lock the baby up in the playpen while the dog roams free all the time.
I don’t think anyone is the AH here but this trip doesn’t sound wise for your family. It sounds like you are the first in your friend group to have children. A group of young adults sharing a house drinking for a week with a big dog is a perfectly fine vacation for said young adults, but it’s really not a baby friendly situation. If you are determined to still go on this trip you need to at least do a trial baby / dog interaction before going. You also need to remember that your baby’s safety is 100% your and your husband’s responsibility and just because there are other adults in the house doesn’t mean they are responsible for watching out for them.
1- 11 month old baby is not going to be happy. They are not going to be use to being confined. Babies don’t sleep good anyway you add unfamiliar area to that will I can guarantee no adults will be sleeping. Plus you said their will be alcohol. Adults are not usually quite when drinking. So they will be waking up baby.
2- dog is going to be running free. If the dog is not used to being kenneled he will be wining/barking. Keeping baby and everyone up. Dog is going to be in unfamiliar territory so they are already going to be anxious and bark at everyone and everything.
3- adults are going to loose patients with baby and dog. Given the choice to go on vacation with the dog and the baby. I choose the dog(I have kids). I can ignore the barking. I can’t ignore the crying all night. Even if the baby doesn’t cry much now she will on vacation. Her routine, lack of sleep and strange noise will insure this.
4- adults hungover with out sleep are not going to be happy.
5- rental is not baby proof or dog proof. So someone is going to constantly be Hoovering over the dog and baby. Which will make for even more tired adults.
6- every activity will pretty much have to be pet and baby friendly. You can leave the dog at home kenneled. (So at least baby friendly.)
Who ever planned this vacation really didn’t thing this threw. It was kinda like they said hold my beer and watched this while they threw gasoline on fire.
I do believe that planning around to fit everyone’s need as best as possible is the right move and I think that NAH because everybody seem guenine in their concerns or lack there off.
But you definitely need to discuss and figure something out all together.
On the one hand, I have worked with dogs my whole life and even my best trained companion was kept separated from children under ~7yo, **no exceptions.** Even a patient and wonderful dog can get annoyed at a human baby poking and prodding it and since dogs correct puppies with quick nips/barks in their direction, that normal dog communication can accidentally hurt a human baby. My current dog would *never* even get that far into his irritation, but he is a hurricane made of bricks and could knock over even a small adult if he gets a zoomie and doesn’t pay attention to where he’s going. (He’s a year old, we’re growing out of it) Even friendly dogs can accidentally hurt a baby, that’s just a fact.
OP is right to keep her baby separated even if she didn’t have a fear. I really appreciate people keeping their children safe and away from dogs. I work in rescue, and if more humans were this vigilant my job would be a lot easier.
On the other hand, it seems like the friend specifically planned to be able to bring her dog and does not want to keep it put up for most of the trip. This I also understand, doggy day care at the last minute is expensive! Finding someone at the last minute to watch a loved animal can be a hassle.
Get together, work on a schedule for the doggy crate/baby play pen that doesn’t keep either too cooped up. Come up with times for the doggy to go on a hike/walk for a while, and/or for the baby to have a baby-appropriate activity outside of the house so each can enjoy the space. Good Luck!
It doesn’t sound to me like your friend is being difficult here. You knew their dog was coming when you agreed to share the rental. All your friend did was suggest a play pen which sounds like a reasonable suggestion. Based on your description, it doesn’t sound like she suggested you have to keep your child in the play pen whenever you are not carrying her.
It would be reasonable to suggest she also bring a crate so the baby can have some floor time.
Ultimately I think you are running into two problems:
1) You have a fear of dogs – that’s ok but you probably shouldn’t have agreed to share a vacation home with someone who has a dog.
2) You have a baby and your friends don’t. This is an awkward stage of life and you may find you can’t do all the same things together. Your child-free friends won’t always relate to all the responsibilities that come with having a baby.
I get it. You want to go with your friends. You want a trip like it would be before. It’s not. Sorry.
You are going on a couples trip and expecting it to be a family trip. Those are two different dynamics.
They are going to want to go out for late dinners and stay up drinking. You will have to be home for bed time and watching the kid.
The dog is an unknown. If it’s not been around children I wouldn’t take mine around it. Even if it has been around kids – it’s a new unknown environment for the dog. I wouldn’t take kid if you have any concerns.
Also, you didn’t say anything but does this house have a pool ? Is it fenced? It only takes a second.
ESH.
your own problem. Most dogs and kids coexist just fine with adult supervision. I’m a mom of three and we have two big dogs. The dog will be the least of your worries. This is a rental house full of multiple adults. It will not be childproofed. There will be hazards EVERYWHERE for your baby- open luggage, staircases, electrical wires and sockets, heavy furniture that isn’t attached to the wall, objects she can pull down on herself, hot and sharp things in the kitchen, curtains and cords she can strangle herself with, cleaning products, etc. This is not to scare you, but she shouldn’t be free to crawl all over your rental anyway. You’re sharing the space with other people and should keep her contained and safe. Your friends should have equal use of the space and honestly, how drunk are these adults going to get around your baby? Won’t she be asleep when the heavy drinking takes place? The dog won’t be a problem when she is sleeping. Take her outside to play or set up a small, “dog free”, childproofed area in one room. That seems like a reasonable compromise.
Obviously you shouldn’t be expected to confine your child to a playpen all holiday – but that’s not your only option here.
I mean, even if the dog wasn’t there, you’d have to watch your child like a hawk if they’re roaming round anyway because the house presumably isn’t child proof. So I’m not sure what difference having the dog there makes? Let her crawl around, if she starts going near the dog redirect her and/or let her her interact with the dog under your direct supervision. Also you’d be surprised at how quickly small children grasp the concept of ‘gentle hands’ with animals or otherwise.
Attending this holiday is irresponsible parenting
You shouldn’t even be going on this vacation with your kid. You’re renting a house with 8 other people, all of which want to have fun and most likely party and get drunk
Are you expecting them to dial it down for the kid? Only do child friendly activities? Stop having fun at a certain time so the baby can sleep? Or, god forbid, babysit so you and your husband can go out?
This vacation is not a place for your kid.