I (f33) am a single mom to my daughter Ellie (f15). I’ve got a brother (m29) who’s been married for a year, his wife being Hannah (f28). They’ve been together for a total of 3 years.
A couple weeks ago, Hannah has given birth to their first child together. She’s welcomed visitors but I have no intention on visiting her and their baby because I’m angry at her.
I’m angry because a month ago, Hannah and my brother stayed at my place temporarily for a week. They were between rent leases and didn’t have anywhere else to go in the meantime. I wasn’t enthusiastic about them staying as my relationship with my brother has been complicated but I wanted to help them out.
On the day they arrived and on the day they left, Hannah had screamed at my daughter and berated her for very petty things.
The first was Ellie helped them bring their stuff into the house, and she left a pack of their soda bottles on the kitchen counter. They ended up being forgotten about until sort of dinner time and Hannah got all riled up because they weren’t in the fridge and warm soda makes her feel sick.
She did say sorry to Ellie afterwards but it didn’t seem genuine and she just blamed it on her hormones.
The second time happened when I was at work. Ellie had eaten some fruit roll up snacks that were in the kitchen, which I do sometimes buy for her. These ones actually belonged to Hannah (which my daughter didn’t realise) and she screamed at Ellie and made her cry, telling her she’s useless and stupid.
My brother tried to calm Hannah down and drove her to the store to buy some more of the snacks. Hannah never apologized for this and pretended as if nothing has happened.
I confronted Hannah about this and she still hasn’t apologized. She said that she’s just heavily pregnant and on edge, and implied that my daughter has no manners and should’ve asked before eating the snacks.
Ellie is in the clingy teenager phase so she’s told me everything about how she feels about this. She doesn’t want to visit Hannah and the new baby and quite frankly neither do I. I can’t really look at Hannah quite the same. I’d never scream at someone else’s child the way she did, even when I was pregnant and especially for such small things, and I’m struggling to understand why she’d overreact so much and be so mean-spirited towards my daughter.
My brother has been asking why we haven’t been over to visit and I explained to him it’s because I’m upset at his wife’s actions. He says I’m overreacting and babying my daughter. Our parents got themselves involved and told me I’m being a jerk and hurting everyone’s feelings.
Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The happy occasion of a new baby has been overshadowed by a bitter family feud. The sister-in-law’s cruel words towards the teen have left a lasting scar, and now the family is divided. Will this new baby bring them together, or will the lingering resentment prove too strong to overcome?
Here’s how people reacted:
I know that hormones do wacky things to the body and moods, but that’s no reason for her not to apologize to your daughter. Ellie didn’t break a priceless antique, she ate a fruit snack. It’s not the end of the world.
You are not overreacting or babying Ellie. She shouldn’t have gotten yelled at even once, let alone twice, and especially not over something so trivial.
Has your sister-in-law always been prone to losing her temper like that, or was this a new occurrence?
Your SIL verbally abused your daughter TWICE whilst being in a guest in your home. She hasn’t apologised for it, and will do it again if the opportunity arises. You are protecting your daughter by keeping them apart. Your daughter comes before your nibling in your priorities, always.
Tell your brother if he wants you to meet the baby, it will happen away from SIL, and you are fine if that’s unacceptable to both of them and just won’t meet the baby. I’d be incredibly concerned about how she will treat her own child if she is willing to jump straight to verbally abusing other people’s children – I hope your brother has a plan for dealing with it if it starts happening.
NTA.
Neither she nor her husband noticed that her soda wasn’t in the fridge. Your daughter was helping them out by bringing stuff in, its up to them to put it away imo, especially if you like to have it a certain way.
As for the snacks. It was an honest and easy mistake to make. There was no need to scream at Ellie to the point of tears over a snack that could be and was replaced easily.
Heavily pregnant or not, her behaviour towards your daughter isn’t excusable. You were doing them a favour by hosting them till their new place was ready, and they treated your daughter like she was a problem in her own home. Now they are surprised you’re not fawning over their new baby?
You aren’t babying her, you just don’t want her to be spoken down to and respecting her decision not to go over. Your parents are only thinking about SIL/brothers feelings and not yours/Ellies. Why are Ellies hurt feelings ok but not theirs?
I feel bad for your brothers baby that it has her as a mother & his enabling ass as a father.
Yeah hormones and pregnancy stress messes with you. But it’s not an excuse to be a massive AH to a teenager who did nothing “wrong”. Oh no, get some ice for your room temp soda. Oh no, one whole fruit snack was eaten under the assumption it was fair game since they’ve been in the house before.
Your family and especially Hannah need to get over themselves. You helped them out when they needed it and made your daughter cry in her own home.
You don’t really state if you want a relationship with the baby, as you don’t really get along with your brother or your SIL.
Would it be nice if this could happen? Of course. Do you even want it? Do they?
“She disrespected me, my daughter and my home that I generously opened up to them. It is extremely disrespectful and downright despicable to scream at any child and reduce them to tears, but especially in their own home for an action that is normal in my home. If you cannot understand that then I’m afraid there must be something wrong with your morals.”
An apology from her would go a long way. She shouldn’t have screamed at your daughter, calling her useless and stupid — just for mistaking SIL’s snacks for the ones you often buy for your daughter. Why can’t SIL admit that and apologize? Why is wanting that too much or being upset at that behavior an overreaction?
Don’t let them reframe this as you “being a jerk and hurting everyone’s feelings.” SIL behaved badly and all she has to do is apologize for it. Done and dusted. You are not going to allow screaming insults at your daughter over a trivial mistake to be seen as normal and acceptable behavior in the family. That’s not how you are willing to have things be. Why do they want that?
Until she apologizes and acknowledges what she did was wrong, you have no reason to think she won’t do it again.
Tell your family you are not going to potentially put your daughter in a position to be screamed at by an adult who isn’t mature enough to understand why her behavior was wrong and apologize for it.