One of my (F24) friends, Anna (F24) had a baby around 6 months back. Our friendgroup is otherwise childless.
All of us used to hang out a lot before the baby was born. The baby changed the dynamics because Anna wanted to bring the baby everywhere with her, and it’s a baby. We tried to plan things around the baby to include Anna, but it always ended up badly.
We shouldn’t drink because Anna can’t drink. We shouldn’t be loud because the baby needs to sleep. The icing on the cake is her baby is extremely fussy and cries all the time. It was just a downer for the rest of us. So we started hanging out without Anna and her baby.
Last weekend all of us went on a staycation. We had a great time and posted photos and videos on Instagram. Anna saw these and called me to ask why I didn’t ask her to come with. I tried telling her it was a last-minute plan, and we could only find a childfree resort so as not to hurt her feelings.
She called my bluff, sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.
She kept forcing me, and I told her we did not want to hang out with her baby. She asked how I could say that about her baby.
I asked her to leave it at that, but she wouldn’t. I finally told her it’s a baby, and we are all young. We don’t want to live our lives around a baby she chose to have. That we get to do adult stuff and party all we wanted. Her baby is the only reason she wasn’t invited.
If she left the baby at home, she could come too.
She got pissed off at me and called me an AH. She also sent a text in the group chat saying she is disappointed in all of us for excluding her just because she is a mom.
Half of our friend group thinks I shouldn’t have told her the real reason and is mad at me. The other half thinks she is unreasonable.
From comments: we have tried to communicate to her about adults-only events before, other than openly saying don’t come if you have to bring your baby. She refuses to leave the baby with her boyfriend or a babysitter. Even when we say an event is adults only, like a dinner we had a few weeks ago, she still brought her baby.
The baby cried throughout the night, earning us glares, and we had to leave early.
Conclusion
Was this friend group completely out of line, or is Anna being unreasonable? The drama doesn’t end here, as this situation has torn the friend group apart. See how this explosive argument finally concludes and who comes out on top!
Here’s how people reacted:
You tried to let her down easy, and she kept on asking.
Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests.
You’re not excluding her because she’s a mom. You’re excluding her because she makes being a mom everyone else’s problem — she won’t leave the baby home (does it have a father present? Grandparents? Anyone who can watch it for a few hours?), she expects you to cater to her needs (you shouldn’t have to not drink just because she can’t), it sounds like she doesn’t remove the baby from the situation when it’s fussy so you all have to deal with it.
You have every right to want to be young and act like it. She needs to accept that having a baby has changed things for *her* but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to change everything to accommodate that.
She needs to find other parents to hang out with now, or figure out childcare, if she wants to keep hanging out with her partying friends.
She should have realized this would happen before deciding to give birth. Did she really think nothing would change when she became a mother?
And I always ask “kid friendly” No? OK cool, can’t get a sitter tonight ill see ya’ll at the next event.
NTA
Would be nice to occasionally do some stuff with her and the baby. And perhaps when the baby gets older, Anna can get a sitter and come out with you.
You were right to tell her the truth.
With that said, Amy shouldn’t have brought her baby to every get together without making sure it was ok with the group. She also shouldn’t be asking you to change your normal behavior to accommodate her baby. She needs to realize that having a baby changes your social life and unless she’s able to get reliable child care, she has to accept that she won’t be able to attend every outing or vacation.
Did you ever actually communicate with her and ask her not to bring her baby to some events?
She’s definitely a bit of an asshole for assuming the baby is fine all the time, but given none of you apparently ever told her that you weren’t okay with the status quo, how was she meant to know?
If you’d invited her on the trip but said it had to be baby free, you wouldn’t have been assholes.
But to quietly drop a long time friend with no warning or explanation is a dick move.
Your friend group should’ve brought this up before leaving her out of things. You definitely shouldn’t have lied to her, and it blew up in your face. The fact that your half of your other friends are mad you didn’t lie even more is such a bad look for them.
From her side, when you’re all hanging out with the baby, she shouldn’t be pressuring the rest of you to be quiet or to not drink. If she doesn’t want those things when she’s hanging out with you all, she can stay home when that’s the plan.
Last note, it sounds bit like you all care more about “the vibe” of your friend group more than the friends in it. Like everyone is replaceable. Of course I hope I’m reading way too much into a short text post from a stranger, but I’m just trying to say I hope if she really is your friend that you all actually care about her and her feelings, her family, and make time for them.
I understand that she’s hurt that she was left out, but it’s absolutely selfish to think that the rest of you would be happy to do a baby weekend away without babies of your own.
You aren’t a good friend.
You tried to make it easy on her, but she demanded to know the truth and you told her. I think you did all you could.
NTA
Just because she had a baby does not mean you guys have to stop drinking. Does not mean you have to be quiet because she won’t utilize the other half of the kids genetics so she can go to a CHILDFREE dinner.
You’ve tried to be nice. She stomped on that.
Did you hurt her feelers? Probably.
Did you try not to? Sounds like it.
She needs to grasp that HER life changed. The rest of you are still free to drink, go away without kids and just generally live life.
Will it suck for her? Maybe. The kid has a dad. The kid has at least, presumably, one set of grandparents. There are babysitters in the world still. She has options if she wants to go out. But one of those options is NOT to force childfree friends to tolerate changing their existence for a child that isn’t theirs.
You’re not excluding her just because she is a mom.
You’re excluding her because she is forcing her ‘mom-ness’ onto the group. That’s not the theme the group was based on.
“We can’t drink around da baby!”
“What do you mean ‘We’, kemo sabe?”
> I tried telling her it was a last minute plan and we could only find a childfree resort so as to not hurt her feelings. She called my bluff sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.
> …
> AITA for telling her the truth?