Did he care more about his own comfort than his daughter’s life?
I (25F) got married to my husband (24M) who we’ll call Adam. When Adam and I were dating, I found out I was pregnant with my ex’s kid. Adam didn’t care and was thrilled because he’s infertile, and has always wanted to be a dad. I tried for over a year to get in contact with my ex to see if he wanted to be a dad, and he nor his family ever answered me.
Even when I went to their houses. So A has been my daughter’s (3F who we’ll call Calli) dad her whole life, and legally adopted her at 2. Sorry for the tangent, but it’s relevant.
We’re in freezing cold weather, and have lost power during higher temps than this the last two years. A kid in our neighborhood got really sick last year because he nearly froze. So I set up my and my husband’s bed to be a kind of tent so it would keep all the body heat in.
It’s a California King, so there’s PLENTY of room for us, Calli and our dog who sleeps with us anyway.
I got Callie ready for bed, and tucked her in in our bed to finish getting ready. Adam asked why she was in our bed, and I explained I was afraid of the power going out because we’ve already gotten warnings and the past two years. He was angry and said that he shouldn’t have to share his bed with her because he might want “loving”.
I told him that I wasn’t going to be in the mood tonight because it’s 6 degrees and I’d be worried about Calli.
Long story short, after a huge fight, I took the whole set up (so only leaving him the sheets, duvet and one blanket) and did it over my daughter’s bed. I slept in there with her, and our dog followed us. Adam was so angry this morning that he accused me of wanting a divorce.
I just told him that Calli was coming to work with me today, and I’m dropping the dog off at my mother’s since she works from home so he’s not alone in case the power goes off. Adam went off to work and I’m getting texts from my in laws and a couple mutual friends.
Someone even texted me that expecting him to share a bed with a girl he’s not related to is disgusting, but that just makes me question him and his family that that’s their thought process.
AITA? I just was worried about my literal three year old. Even if I am though, I’m doing it again tonight. I just want to know because I’m furious at him for blowing it out of proportion, but maybe he’s right to be mad? Idk
Edit: I didn’t think to add this but a comment made me think I should- Calli doesn’t have free access to our room. Adam locks the door after I fall asleep, and because he’s up and down all night, I can never stay up later than him. Calli has multiple times woken me up crying and banging on the door to get in after a bad dream, hearing weird noises, etc.
Adam always apologizes but it keeps happening, so with her asthma I don’t want to risk her being out in that cold for even a few minutes longer than she has too.
Also Adam won’t buy another top that goes over the beds to keep in the heat. He says they’re a waste of money/not worth the price. I bought two last year but our dog ripped it, and I didn’t have the money to buy another one. I plan to after the new year when I have a full check so Calli can always have one in the cold, just in case.
Edit 2: Our home is technically in a trust for me from my Aunt, but I’m taking my and Calli’s stuff and staying with my mom while working on how to make him leave. Our dog is already there. Adam has been blowing up my cell phone and work phone because I haven’t apologized and I’m ignoring his parents.
My last straw was all the texts about him saying he wants to dissolve the adoption “when I leave him” because Calli doesn’t respect him as her dad because she talks back, doesn’t listen, runs away, has tantrums, and doesn’t want to spend time with her if there’s people besides us around (again, she’s 3.
Barely. She doesn’t “respect” me most of the time either by his definition). I haven’t responded to anything. I don’t think I will for awhile.
Yes, we’re in Texas so losing power is a constant stress.
Adam has insomnia and has since he was a kid, which is why he gets up and down a lot. He has since we were kids. I’ve known his family since I was like 10.
This is new behavior for him. Until about two months ago, he was perfect. He just randomly started locking the door, and he dots on her. His family has made it a point to let me know Calli isn’t “really” their family, but we’re LC with those that say that so it’s a non-issue.
Maybe he’s back in contact with them though. Maybe he’s upset about my new job, or that the house isn’t “really” his. He won’t discuss either of those things. I really don’t know.
He’s in therapy already.
Conclusion
In a turn of events no one saw coming, this wife decided she’d had enough and is now planning her exit, leaving her husband to deal with the fallout.
Will this be the end of their marriage, or just the beginning of a new chapter for her and her daughter?
Here’s how people reacted:
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>expecting him to share a bed with a girl he’s not related to is disgusting,
What?! She’s his *adopted daughter*!
I’d have some serious issues with a spouse that acts that selfish.
She’s…………….his three year old adopted daughter. I can’t even with this nonsense. And why on EARTH is Adam locking the bedroom door on your TODDLER?! It’s extremely common for children that age to wake up in the middle of the night wanting their parents. Adam sounds like a……real treat.
NTA
ETA: I see OP’s 2nd edit that this is new behavior for Adam over the past 2 months, and that he wants to dissolve the adoption. I know it’s super common in this sub to jump to conclusions, but I have to wonder…..OP, is there a possibility that Adam is having an affair?
It could be that he’s taking out his guilt over the affair on the 3 year old, by starting to lock the door and insisting that she’s a “bad” child (for only doing normal 3 year old stuff like tantrums……..). I don’t want to cause OP any more stress than necessary, but it might be something worth looking into, unfortunately…
So the two of you are related?
And I’m also confused by him locking the door, locking the kid out, she can’t go to bed after him, the child can’t get to them, and he is up and down all night.
I find this all confusing and and a bit creepy overall. Maybe it’s just me but hmmm
1. Adam actively works to keep your daughter separated from you at night (he keeps locking the door even though you’ve repeatedly asked him not to.)
2. Adam is up and down all night… doing what?
3. Your daughter wakes up screaming at night.
4. He and his family view her as someone he isn’t related to.
YWBTA if you don’t work hard to find out what’s going on.
Edit: adding more thoughts based on OP’s additional edits and comments. OP, you said you wondered if you are being “too sensitive.” You’re not. Listen to your intuition.
You said he used to be meek, quiet, open, and very loving but his personality completely changed in 1-2 months. He is now:
1. Getting irritated with you over minor things.
2. Yelling at upper management at his job
3. Expressing excessive road rage
4. Locking bedroom doors at night (which puts your daughter at risk)
His co-workers have noticed and even his boss called you to ask if Adam needs medication.I don’t know if this man is experiencing an undiagnosed medical condition (physical or mental health) or if he has suddenly turned into an A or possibly worse in the past month. Either way, you need to keep your daughter and yourself safe. And he should get medical attention.
If you are still questioning if you are TA or if you’re being too sensitive or if you’re imagining things, then look to your daughter. You said she is now wanting to spend more time with you vs Adam. At 3 yrs old she doesn’t have many words, but with what little she can express she is telling you that even she sees something is wrong.
Additionally, you should try to consult a lawyer before leaving your home, unless you feel that you and your daughter may be in danger there. Many lawyers will offer low cost (or sometimes free) half hour consultations.
Your daughter has asthma and she has no access to you at night when she’s scared from a dream or if she’s having trouble breathing.
He locks the door without you knowing.
He prioritizes sex over the health of your three year old and the dog.
He immediately thinks of divorce after an argument.
He calls his family and friends and bitches to them about the argument.
Your husband sounds immature and unable to cope with simple marital disagreements in a reasonable manner.
Has this bizarre streak of behaviour come out of nowhere ? Or is he AH all the way down?
Holy shit. OP, do you want your child to survive to adulthood?
NTA.
What you’re doing here is called being a good parent, and if he can’t deal with that, that’s his loss
He chose to adopt your daughter. She is legally his child now too. So that argument is moot. Also, your dog sleeps in bed with you and s/he is not related to either of you so I don’t really understand that argument at all.
Edit: grammar