She thought she could get away with anything, but her actions had consequences far beyond what she imagined.
My daughter (16) is a high school junior. I noticed recently that she’s been behaving in a bad manner, constantly commenting on other people’s looks and belongings, calling them names, and just being insensitive. It’s like she lost a filter or something because usually she’s polite, but my wife suspected that our daughter’s sudden misbehavior occurred after she started hanging out with new girls from the school.
Basically, the mean type, and she’s picked up their behavior. I’ve sat with my daughter and had many discussions about how her behavior has been negatively affecting everyone around her. Our housemaid is the person most affected here, and my daughter has chosen her to be her target for hair, clothes, and “etiquette” criticism.
She has complained about our daughter calling her offensive names like “filthy” and “gross” for cleaning certain areas in our house. I took a stand and explicitly told my daughter I’d punish her if she ever said stuff like that to our housemaid again.
Last week, my daughter had a party to go to. Earlier that day, she called our housemaid “filthy,” so I grounded her by not letting her go to the party. She threw a fit and called our housemaid a liar, saying she never called her that. That was the end of it.
Days later, my daughter came to me saying she couldn’t find her iPhone after looking everywhere. She asked me to call her number, and I did. My wife and I were stunned to discover that the iPhone was ringing inside our housemaid’s bag. I had a confrontation with her immediately, and she denied it and cried, saying she never touched the phone nor had any idea how it got there.
I noticed my daughter calling her a thief repeatedly, so I told her to stop and go to her room. I checked the indoor camera before continuing the argument and saw my daughter place her iPhone inside our housemaid’s bag; I was livid. I apologized to the housemaid and gave her the rest of the day off.
I then showed the video to my daughter, and she was absolutely speechless. I said what she did was immoral and straight up offensive to tamper with that poor woman’s livelihood over a petty party she couldn’t go to. I told her she was grounded and would have to spend the night in the backyard (she is a germaphobe), but she cried, begging me to not make her sleep with the dirt, insects, and hot temp.
I refused to discuss it, or I’d make it two nights. My wife said I should go easy on her, but I said calling people filthy and accusing them of stealing wasn’t okay; in fact, it was the absolute worst, and then I went through with my punishment.
The reason I chose this punishment was because of the fact that my daughter says she is a germaphobe and uses this as an excuse to insult others’ hygiene and appearance. Our backyard has dirt and bugs in it, and these things make her uncomfortable, but other than that, the backyard is 100% safe.
Why doesn’t she clean up and do house chores as punishment instead?
Because I’ve already tried this punishment before, and it didn’t work because she deliberately stopped eating for days to get out of it, and ended up in the emergency department for low blood pressure.
Conclusion
The once-privileged teen learned a harsh lesson about empathy and honesty. Her punishment was severe, but the real consequence was the truth finally coming out.
Will this unforgettable experience turn her into a better person, or will she continue down a path of deception?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your daughter deserves a defcon-1 level punishment. That’s some fucked up shit she did.
That said, I’d probably pick something besides making her sleep in the back yard. Too temporary, too unusual, too easy for her to make herself out to be the victim. It’s both too much and not enough.
Spend one weekend per month of her Grounded-Without-Phone Year picking up trash on the side of the road with her.
Buy her a Nokia brick if she needs a phone to keep in contact with her
EDIT:
>she deliberately stopped eating for days to get out of it, and ended up in the emergency department for low blood pressure
She’s a manipulative AH. Let her starve herself, she’ll stop once she realizes it’s not going to work. If she insists, mention you can have her hospitalized for anorexia, see how she likes *that* idea.
Parenting is rough. Best of luck.
But this is a really inappropriate way to punish her. Especially since your wife disagreed and you overruled her (what gives you the right to make this choice without her?) and kicked your daughter out. This is abusive behavior. You’re not going to teach your daughter not to be an AH by being an AH to her.
You should be able to discipline your child without making her feel like she doesn’t have safe housing. Especially since you mention she’s a germaphobe. You deliberately chose a punishment that would trigger her phobia. Maybe she didn’t learn her bullying behavior at school….
Edit: Your edit doesn’t make this better. If your daughter gets so upset she starved herself and ends up in the ER she needs therapy. That’s not a normal thing kids do. You choosing to make her feel like she doesn’t have safe housing isn’t going to fix this issue. She’s already clearly struggling. What she did was awful but you’re the adult and I think you’re worse. You’ve ignored this situation until it got unbearable and then made her sleep in the dirt.
Edit:
>because I’ve already tried this punishment before and it didn’t work because she deliberately stopped eating for days to get out of it, and ended up in the emergency department for low blood pressure
OP, Does she have a therapist yet? This kind of self harm might be a sign of mental illness. Y’know, before it happens again and the doctors call CPS on you guys…
You are not TA because you punished her… but the punishment was very strange? Sleeping outside? For a young girl anything could happen. Community service in a soup kitchen or something might have been better.
I agree with the therapy reading the edits. Do not make your children sleep outside.
EDIT: I love someone else’s suggestion of making your daughter take over the maid’s work for a while as punishment instead.
ESH. Except that poor housekeeper.
She has to learn being so cruel has consequences. She could have lost the housekeeper her job, or even have gotten her arrested if you hadn’t found the video and pressed charges!
Don’t go easy on her. That teaches her nothing.
Give the housekeeper a week off and make your daughter clean. She can learn what’s it’s like with no housekeeper!
BUT, you can’t make her sleep outside. That’s abusive, and you need to find another way. I think that way is therapy. If she stopped eating to the point that she wound up in hospital, you got serious issues there. That’s not normal behavior.
Not for punishing her, but this punishment is pretty fucked up. You absolutely should be punishing her but using her own mental health issues as a punishment will never be okay in my eyes. I would consider it a form of abuse to be honest.
Seek advice from school or others who can help you. Your daughter definitely needs to be corrected, she’s heading down a bad path of racism and bullying. But I don’t see the reason for this punishment so I’m respect of your post title specifically, YTA.
your daughter needs therapy more than a reddit post because this seems like a deeper issue than just acting out because of her friends
Your daughter definitely deserve to be punish for her comportment and for what she did, but using her mental illness for it is disgusting. Take away her phone for a month or something like that, but don’t use her mental illness/phobia to punish her.
You should get your daughter professional help and get her in therapy and find a punishment that isn’t related to her phobia/mental illness.