Could this simple request shatter a marriage before it even truly begins?
My wife and I got married last summer. Her family lives across the country from us, so up until this point I had never actually visited them, but I had met them a handful of times and we’ve always gotten along fine.
They invited us to come visit and stay with them for a few days and we took them up on the offer. We flew in yesterday, and everything went well – her dad and I watched football while she caught up with her mom and sisters, and then we had a really nice dinner.
But things went south at the end of the night when it was made clear that they didn’t want me sharing a bed with my wife while in their home, and that they expected me to sleep on the couch.
I honestly thought they were joking at first, but they insisted we sleep separately. I had a problem with the implication that I shouldn’t be allowed to sleep next to my wife, and I also have a bad back and the couch did not look the least bit comfortable (they don’t have a guest room).
After arguing back and forth for a bit, I decided to leave and book a hotel. I told my wife she didn’t have to come with me, she chose to stay and I said I’d come back the next day. I went off to a Marriott about 10m away and got a good night’s sleep, trying to not let the whole situation bother me.
This morning, I called my wife asking when I should come by. She told me her parents want me to apologize for leaving the way I did. I told her that I’m willing to apologize to keep the peace, but they need to acknowledge that it wasn’t appropriate to insist I can’t share a bed with my own wife.
She said she’d talk to them and call me back.
About 10 minutes later, I hear back from her, and she tells me that not only will they not apologize for it, they are now insisting I need to come back and stay on the couch for the rest of our visit, and if I don’t agree to this, I’m not welcome back in the house.
I’m pretty livid at this point – I told her that there’s absolutely no chance that I will do that, and I am no longer willing to offer any sort of apology.
My wife’s sisters are now bothering me saying this is just the way their parents are, that my wife is very upset, and that I need to just give in and stay on the couch for the rest of the trip before this turns into some sort of family feud. From my perspective, I don’t care what they think and I’m willing to treat the rest of this trip as a solo vacation, go sightseeing and meet my wife back at the airport at the end of the week.
UPDATE: Wow, I didn’t expect this post to blow up the way it did. Thanks for all the responses and awards! I took the advice of one of the posters here to ask my wife and her sisters to meet me for dinner apart from their parents. It was interesting to say the least.
After we sat down, I leaned into them a bit about what had happened. I asked my wife if she knew her dad was going to demand we sleep separately, and she said she was surprised by it as well – she’d expect that if I were still just her boyfriend, but we’re married now.
I then asked them all if they thought it was OK for their parents to act the way they did. They said it wasn’t, but they know their father and it’s best to just let things like this go.
This led to a somewhat uncomfortable conversation about how controlling he can get, how he angers easily when he doesn’t get his way, and that he was already throwing a fit over me “disrespecting him” by leaving. The reason they were all trying to get me to come back and apologize was because he would find some way to make them all miserable for the rest of the week if I didn’t.
I told my wife I was really disappointed that she wouldn’t side with her husband when I was clearly in the right, and she went sort of quiet.
I then asked if they thought this was even about house rules, because it seemed more like their dad was just trying to show me who was in charge. They agreed.
Up to this point I had really done everything I could to not escalate this situation, but I started to get really mad that they were all so afraid of how their dad would react. I decided I needed to push back a bit.
I know my wife was mainly here to spend time with her sisters who she rarely gets to see. so I told them all I was going to move to a hotel by the beach about an hour away in San Diego for the rest of the week and I’d book a second room for them if they wanted to all join.
They don’t get to go on trips much, so I figured they’d be excited to get a free vacation away from their parents. They know that their dad is probably going to freak out when they leave, but I think they realized this situation had gone too far so they decided they would come and deal with the fallout afterwards.
So that’s where this all stands for now. I’m about to check out of my hotel and hit the road for San Diego. My wife and her sisters are coming down in a separate car after their parents leave for work. I fully expect their dad to throw a conniption fit when he finds out they left without telling him, but I really don’t care at this point.
I tried to be the bigger person at every turn, but he pushed this all way too far.
Thanks again to everyone for all the insight.
Conclusion
The husband’s refusal to back down forces a choice, leading to an unexpected escape and a potential family showdown.
Will this bold move be the solution, or just the beginning of the real drama?
Here’s how people reacted:
Edit: based on OP’s update, my red flag comment is unwarranted, as it’s clearly a result of a toxic, abusive household.
You have a wife problem just as much as you have an in-law problem. She should be defending you, not deferring to them. Do not back down on this because they are blatantly disrespecting you and disrespecting your marriage. And if your wife can’t support you in this, I would suggest some marriage counseling when you get home because you’re her chosen family now. She needs to act like it.
You’re not teenagers, you’re a married couple. That is insane. Also, knowing how her parents are, surely your wife could have forewarned you that this would likely happen? Of course she didn’t because she knew that you’d likely not stand for it (and rightly so). It’s not like she was willing to give you the bed and her sleep on the sofa to aid your bad back either.
Such major red flags.
1. Didn’t warn you about this before hand – likely to ensure you go in hopes that you will just accept the situation regardless of your bad back, which is lying to you and showing inconsideration and lack of care for your needs.
2. Allows her family to act controlling and disrespectful towards you and doesn’t attempt to defend you – instead gets mad at you.
I’d be questioning this marriage because she’s shown you who the priority is always going to be.
I don’t even stay at relatives/families houses. If I’m visiting, I get a hotel room for my fiance’/caregiver and I. Period. It saves a LOT of issues; privacy, sleeping arrangements, etc.
They offered you accommodations under their conditions. You declined and didn’t make a big deal out of it and got your own accommodations. They have literally nothing to be angry about.
The fact your wife stayed behind is not a good sign. The fact she is saying you need to apologize makes it worse. There is a good possibility her family will always be a negative factor in your relationship and she will choose them over you every time. I guess a small blessing is that it’s good you’ve learned this now and especially before having children.
I applaud you for treating this as a solo vacation and meeting your wife at the airport. You are being the bigger person.
Wife needs to explore her relationship with her parents and set some serious boundaries moving forward.
You are NTA but her parents are and, depending on your wife’s next few actions, she may be as well.
BTW – how old is she?
It’s easy to just blame her and say she should stand up for you, but there’s a good chance they’ve abused her like this her entire life and she’s afraid of how they’ll treat her if she doesn’t go along with their wishes.
I’d suggest trying to see her (and maybe her sisters) later today apart from her parents so you can get more details about what’s really going on.
NTA
Your solution was perfectly reasonable.
Another option would have been for your wife to take the couch.
But that wouldn’t have stopped the issues.
You did nothing wrong. You realised suitable accomodations weren’t available so, without fuss or guilt trips, made alternate arrangements.
Obviously they are ridiculous with objecting to your sleeping beside your wife – but that’s not the point.
They explained rules.
You didnt want to abide by their rules.
You went elsewhere.
Problem solved.
(Same if you wanted to smoke and they had no smoking house, or they didnt allow jeans to be worn, or had a no beards rule…. whatever. YOU GET TO LEAVE!!!)
F that noise. You are a married couple. Go site seeing. Never visit them again.
What is it with parents not allowing their grown married children to sleep with their spouses? Second post recently.
Your in-laws are AH’s and so is your wife. Your wife should have your back, but pleasing her parents is more important. You have a wife problem. You shouldn’t be on the couch for any reason. If I was you, I would leave and go home.
Why did you marry this person who can’t even stand up for you?
Your wife is TA. Her parents suck big time, too.