I have 2 adult sons who are both married and have kids of their own. My wife has alzheimer’s disease and therefore I need help. I can afford to get a nurse for her, but I don’t feel right about having a stranger at my home. So my oldest son and his 2 children moved in so that he could help me.
We gave my oldest son’s room to him, my youngest son’s bedroom to my grandson, and our guest room to my granddaughter.
This, however, means that whenever my youngest son visits, they have to sleep in the living room. He recently complained that it’s not fair that they all have to sleep in the living room while my oldest son and his kids get rooms. He asked me to make my grandson and granddaughter share so that he and his family can have a room.
I told him, “You know what else is not fair? The fact that your brother is the only one helping out while you do nothing. They live with us, therefore they get bedrooms. You are just a guest, so you should be grateful for anything you get.” He thinks I’m an asshole.
Conclusion
In a shocking twist, the father’s response to his youngest son’s demand leaves everyone speechless. Discover the dramatic fallout and the ultimate, surprising outcome of this deeply divided family.
Here’s how people reacted:
Oh, God. This is so perfect. I wish more people had the guts to stand up to the assholes in their lives. Put them in their place.
As someone who works In Alzheimer’s support and who has a father with Alzheimer’s, I implore you to accept all the help you possibly can. Caregiving is grueling and burnout is high. There is a real risk of caregivers having severe health problems or dying before their person. Please reconsider bringing in professionals who understand the disease and who can provide respite. Your family does not have to do everything.
My heart is with you.
NTA
Can’t believe the younger son is even having an issue with this. He can find somewhere else to stay when he visits if he doesn’t like what you’re offering.
But unsolicited advice, get some help outside the family. I cared for my sick mother and I’m still getting over it almost 10 years after her death. It was a labor of love, but my mental health has been damaged by the experience.
Whether or not they’re helping with your Wife is not the most relevant thing to me though. While it’s amazing that your oldest son has stepped up to the plate to help you I don’t think it’s something that could have been automatically expected, and your younger son being unable to help doesn’t make him a bad person.
This is a difficult situation but you’re being unfair.
You criticize him for not helping – but you can afford outside help. You just don’t want it.
You criticize him for not helping – but ensure his family is underfoot and uncomfortable when they come visit.
Imo it’s very normal for kids to share a room when you have guests. So it’s weird that you think this is some huge imposition.
“You are just a guest you should be grateful” – like that’s just rude and great way to ensure he doesn’t visit.
It would be different if you couldn’t afford help but it seems like you are punishing him for a choice you’re making. I understand this must be difficult but it’s an unfair burden to take on or put on your family entirely.
I know my parents are going to great lengths to ensure they are never a burden to me even tho I would happily provide as much care as I can altho with lots of support. They’ve been explicit in their wills, they have discussed all kinds of plans, especially medical, bc they know it’s hard and it’s unfair to put the burden on your children entirely. My mom worked in geriatrics and pretty much ensured my grandmother was happy and healthy until nearly 101 – but she did not live with us or attempt to provide all care herself.
Anyhow I think you need to consider your expectations and separate them from what’s fair to impose and judge your sons on.
Then when middle sister moved out, my youngest sister, who was living in the downstairs winter garden as her “room” (she had a proper door though), got the upstairs bedrooms and the winter garden became a dining room again.
When she moved out it all went to my parents, who up until then had the same two tiny rooms as my sisters and I to share between them. One used to be completely filled up with the double bed and wardrobe, the other a mini office with desk and bookshelf (mum was a teacher so had to do a lot of work at her desk at home). They kept one of the small rooms for guests, the office remained where it was and they now finally have a proper sized bedroom upstairs.
Any of us will always be welcome to come and visit and crash wherever there is space – guest bedroom, living room sofa (in the open plan kitchen) or at my grandparents’ flat next door (they’ve loads of space tbh).
But neither of us would ever be so delusional to expect to have a room reserved for us when we come and visit. And that’s without one of us having moved our family in to help care for our mum. What a selfish thing to expect when your older son is sacrificing is time to be an unpaid carer.
NTA.
Your wife needs an actual nurse. Crowding both of your sons’ families into where they are sleeping in the living room is absurd
Edit: yta, your son stay with you when he visits. Which means he doesn’t live nearby. You expected him to drop his life and move his family to come help. Thats not fair. You are ah too for putting your grandchildren through watching day by day their grandma disappeared right before their eyes. Plus she could have a violent outburst and you rather that happen around your grandchildren because its free. Pay someone instead of traumatizing your grandchildren. Your son also ah for putting his kids through this.
I do think that you are still a bit of an asshole. If you can afford help, you should still provide some professional help for your wife. Your son and his wife shouldn’t be expected to do it all. The kind of caregiving your wife requires is mentally and physically exhausting, as you well know. Saying that you don’t want a stranger in your home doesn’t cut it. They don’t have to live in, but you should get someone in on a regular basis, especially to bathe.
If your youngest son lives out of town, what sort of help do you expect him to provide? Have you discussed this with him? He could possibly come for the occasional weekend to give his brother a break. How far away does he live?
While your son is wrong to insist you boot the grandkids out of their rooms, you lose me me when you say that he should be “grateful for anything you get”. Is visiting you such a privilege? When a parent uses that line, it usually indicates that the child doesn’t have all the much to be grateful for, other than what is mandated by law.
Your family relationships don’t sound at all that healthy.
With dementia and Alzheimers patients, you keep the routine the same. No one should be sleeping in that house except the people who live there. Little son should get a hotel room.
My mom would start suffering from delusions whenever my brother came to visit. We thought it was Sundowners getting worse, but after a couple bouts of her thinking, someone broke in and was trying to kill her, her gerontologist suggested having my brother stay at a hotel or in the basement – where she wouldn’t stumble onto him if she got up in the middle of the night. He said her routine was upset and it kicked off delusions, paranoia, and caused her a great deal of distress.
It was so bad that she would freak if her shirts were not hung up in the correct order in her closet. She would cry incessantly if one of my niece’s let them self into her house while she was napping. She called the police when my sister moved the living room furniture to vacuum underneath – she was putting the vacuum away and was going to put the furniture back when Mom called.
Changing anything in their routine is extremely distressing so no one should be sleeping anywhere but their bed in that house. If younger son has an issue, he needs to be told “Tough!” It s the best thing for mom.