My daughter (31F), her wife (33F) and their son (5M) live in a different state. I (60F) always am the one who goes to visit them in their house because of my DIL’s busy work schedule.
My daughter said she wanted to come and see me and her old friends with her family. They are currently renovating their house (they have a house in our city and usually stay there when they rarely do come over) and my daughter asked me if they could stay with me.
I said of course.
When they arrived, I mentioned I had prepared each of them a different room. One for my daughter, one for DIL and one for my grandson. My daughter said I was being unreasonable and that she wanted to sleep in the same room as her wife. I said I made her brother and his wife do the same thing when they visited and they never complained.
My daughter told my DIL to arrange for a hotel. I was really hurt by her decision and said I hoped she’d just stay and it was a few days. She said she hadn’t slept apart from her wife for the past 9 years and wasn’t going to start doing that now.
They left and stayed at the hotel. My daughter is still kind of cold to me and my friends think I acted like an AH. Was I TA?
Conclusion
In the end, the mother’s attempt to host her daughter’s family ended in a hotel stay and lingering tension. Was the mother simply trying to be hospitable, or did her request cross a line? The outcome left many wondering if this family can ever truly reconcile their differences after this surprising ordeal.
Here’s how people reacted:
> I had prepared each of them a different room
#WHY?
> I made her brother and his wife do the same thing when they visited
#*WHY??*
Your daughter simply isn’t willing to take shit like her brother. Good for her.
YTA.
They’re MARRIED WITH A KID. She’s not a teenager you need to be trying to protect from the atrocity that is sex out of wedlock. As far as your son and his wife, I’m confident that they never *openly* complained, but had plenty of problems about it behind closed doors and didn’t want to confront you about it
They are a married couple. Why are you trying to dictate whether or not they sleep next to each other?
I would’ve got a hotel if I was them too!
You give exactly ZERO context for this very strange rule that you have implemented. I can’t think of a single reason that would justify it personally, but how do you expect anybody to support your decision when you haven’t even tried to explain it?
ETA: OP claims that this practice (expecting married people to sleep in separate rooms as guests) is standard in their culture, and that she and her husband sleep separately themselves as guests. While that claim is a bit questionable (given the daughters surprise at the request, and the fact that none of us have ever heard of a culture where that is standard), I think OP’s consistency in enforcing this rule makes this a NAH, but I hope OP takes this moment as an opportunity to reflect on the real life impact of this rule, and decide whether this is a hill she is willing to die on.
Also OP, you should make sure you communicate this rule to your guests ahead of time. As you can probably see, your expectations around this are not exactly common.
I’ve been married for 20 years, and if either my folks or my spouses folks said we’d have to sleep in separate rooms, I wouldn’t visit. So, pretty sure I know why you have to go visit them.
Also, let’s pretend it isn’t an insult to separate a married couple for a moment. Your daughter asked to stay with you, you basically stated your terms for allowing it (separate rooms), and she’s entitled to disagree with it. She didn’t walk over your boundary, she merely made alternative arrangements.
You didn’t even give them a valid reason for the decision.
Why do you feel the need to control your adult, married children?? Props to your daughter for not giving in to your stupid rules.
As to why your son and his wife didn’t complain about the same arrangement you did with them too, is probably because they’re too nice of a people to complain even if something isn’t fair and they didn’t have time and/or energy to do otherwise than just accept it.
Stupid rules can have unwanted consequences. Glad someone is standing up to your BS rules and expectations. Married couples should always be allowed to share a room. The fact you made others follow your stupid rules doesn’t absolve you.
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YTA.
Arbitrary rule for married couples to sleep in separate rooms with no reason given?
Sure.
YTA
Couples get to share a room. If you wanted to have a different arrangement to the norm, you should have informed them before they came to visit.
It’s an unreasonable demand. You can impose it as a condition for letting people stay over, but they have every right then to think you’re being controlling and inconsiderate. And if you spring it on them after they’ve already come over, you’re being an AH.
What exactly is your reasoning here for not letting married couples stay together in a room and treating them like children?
Everybody: “INFO: Which culture would that be?”
OP:
C’mon.