NTA

Sounds like you have valid reasons. It’s normal for kids to campaign for later bedtimes. It’s also normal for parents to say no.

NTA, there’s a 3 year age difference, my brother’s 2 years older than me and he always went to bed an hour later. I’d be willing to bet your son went to bed at 7:30 when he was 5? If so you most certainly are treating her like your own.

NTA

I don’t know what your wife’s problem is, but the five year old doesn’t need to stay up any later than they are right now.

NTA. You’re setting appropriate schedules for the kids. Little ones always push. Parents stay fast to the routine. Your wife is out of line.

NTA – Why is your wife questioning your commitment to parenting her niece (which is not a requirement, and when it’s highly likely to create unnecessary friction in your marriage) instead of presenting a united front to said niece? Especially when her niece went to her instead of the person caring for her all day to make this request? My guess is your niece already knows the answer, and went to your wife because she wanted to hear something different. Not out of this world for a child to do, but definitely something that can throw a wrench in out of sync parents parenting.

This is not an issue with your choices, your wife is not demanding you make adjustments to anyone else’s schedule, she is trying to guilt and shame you into giving in to her demands. Is that conflict resolution pattern typical of her? Is discussing how she feels about her niece-and why she might be favoring her-something that could be beneficial here? Does it make her feel “better” to be the one who “rescues” her niece? Why is it so hard for her to accept No as an answer? Is she struggling with what conversation she might have to have with her niece if she does? Strong personal issues signal here from her, either way kudos on taking on more than you bargained for and taking that commitment and responsibility seriously.

NTA. Your wife approaching the subject doesn’t make her the asshole, but her accusations do. I’m sure you are both stressed out by this big life change, as is your niece, so it would be beneficial to get in touch with a therapist to help you guys navigate this new normal.

NTA

Seems like an odd argument. I mean, 5 year asked, mom said I’ll talk with dad, mom talked with dad. Dad had solid reasoning. Mom began wildly speculating that dad isn’t treating 5 year old the same??

Yes, I know 5 year is mom’s niece I just don’t see the mistreatment?

Also, bravo on that sleep schedule! Like dominoes, 30 min between each kid. Nice. Gives the older ones a heads up on getting ready for bed, plus gives each kid a few minutes to talk with just mom or dad. Pretty solid really.

So, NTA based on this post and your comments.

One thing worth mentioning is, it might not entirely be about wanting to be treated like the older kid in her life. Having grown up with childhood insomnia & trauma nightmares, I would constantly try to push bedtime (& sleep in general) later because I was putting off the inevitable nightmares- based on your description of her sleep patterns in the comments, she might have a pretty good reason to dislike going to bed. Or, she might see that half hour between 7:30 and 8 as one-on-one time that he gets that she’s missing out on, which is something that you could work into the schedule elsewhere during the week.

NTA. You are the parent at home with them all day and regulate their schedules. Unless there is some of the story left out, you treat your niece equally with the schedules that work. She needs more sleep too. But your wife needs to see what is done each day to show her why this schedule works. My kids went to bed by 730 until they were 7 years old. The older they get the more there is to do and then the later bedtime. My 13 and 11year old have 9pm bedtimes because of after-school sports, scouts, and church activities that run late.

NTA, your wife is also exhibiting one of the more annoying features in the context being an older sibling. My parents would be much more strict with me and made me wait years or flat out banned me from things, and then when I finally proved myself responsible they realized it wasn’t a big deal after all and right away would let my younger sister do it too. If your older child has more chores it especially makes sense to reward this work with a later bedtime.

NTA but I think you wife is trying to over compensate for your neices lack of care by her bio parents. If you guys have not done it already I think therapy would be good for everyone especially if niece’s stay is permanent.

INFO:

Please tell this struggling SAHM your schedule for the 2yo because my 3yo is a terrible sleeper and won’t nap.

Please see this.

Also, NTA

NTA but I’m sure this is not the last time she will make the accusation of bias or favoritism. I would nip that in the bud quickly so that she won’t think she can pull that card to manipulate and guilt you into getting her way when it comes to your niece.

NTA

How about a compromise? The younger kids can stay up a bit later on a Friday/Saturday as it’s not a school night?

Your wife is overcompensating for your niece. I see this a lot with kids whose parents are not in the picture for whatever reason. The relative tends to overcompensate and loosen up the rules because they feel sorry for them. Your niece is being treated just like your kids and she really needs the structure and boundaries and expectations that you set for your kids. You aren’t harming her by doing this. In fact, you are showing her consistency and care. NTA. I see this tendency for overcompensation alot with families and it never ends well. Most of the kids who get this treatment are often very selfish and don’t understand consequences. It can breed a lot of resent between them and other kids their age that don’t get the same treatment. Stay the course. She’ll benefit for it.

Wow, you are a great dad and so very NTA.

All the logic has already been pointed out in other comments (niece is being treated the same as your eldest when he was her age). Maybe point out to your wife that the niece (as lovely as she may be) may still have some bad habits/perspectives that lead her to play one of you off the other. And that your wife is playing right into it.

Why did your niece talk to your wife instead of you? Because she knew you would hold the line. She knew she had a shot at getting victim sympathy from your wife.

Your wife being hurt by your comment is part of the messed up logic that seems to run on her side of the family. She didn’t like/trust how you were handling something. She discussed it with you but didn’t want to hear your reasoning. You let her know she was more than welcome to take over the task. That’s nothing to be hurt about. You two are partners. You’ve done a great job with your side of the family chores (not knocking her family contribution at all), so she either needs to (1) continue to trust your judgement and wonderful track record, or (2) decide that she’s OK deferring to your opinion since you are handling it (even if she disagrees) or (3) decide that this is her hill to die on and it’s worth tearing up the family to let a 5 year old decide her bedtime. Of course that last is so over-the-top and also hypocritical since neither of your other kids get to decide their bedtimes. But hey, she’s got to figure out how great a husband and dad to the kids she has and turn over the decision making of the house to a 5 year old. Hope she figures it out!

I really admire that you want to give some extra alone time for your oldest.

We need a little break sometimes.

NTA – because the household should bend to the whim of a 5 year-old child? Your wife for some reason feels the need to coddle niece, but the routine in place is better for that age range of child anyway. Upsetting the routine will result in a merry time of misrule in your household.

NTA- you sound like a wonderful dad. Treating kids equally is not the same thing as giving them identical privileges/bedtimes/meals; kids have vastly different needs at different stages of childhood.

INFO- is niece your sibling’s daughter or your wife’s sibling’s daughter? Perhaps your wife is being unfairly sensitive since niece already had a rough start in life and if she’s not blood related to you, your wife may have an unwarranted worry that niece might feel she’s being treated differently?

Either way, if you’re the stay at home parent and have to deal with establishing routines & deal with the fallout of kids being grumpy due to not having enough sleep, it’s unfair of your wife to meddle in this way.

You are a great dad. Your family is lucky to have you. It sounds like your wife’s anxiety has upped and she is projecting. The facts are that you are treating your niece in the same manner for routines and bedtimes.