This isn’t just about a toilet; it’s a battle for basic bathroom etiquette that’s threatening to overflow.
My (28 F) boyfriend (29 M) live in an apartment that has 2 bathrooms. I don’t really know what is wrong with the toilets/plumbing but it will require at least 2 flushes to get your shit down fully. I know this is a fixable problem but I am perfectly content holding the flusher down, watching my poo go down before I release, and then flush again if needed when I evacuate my bowels.
Rarely, if at all will there be fecal remnants from MY shits. My boyfriend and I have lived together for maybe 4.5 years or our 5 year relationship, but live in this apartment for 3 months shy 2 years.
He is a frequent pooper, and apparently has self diagnosed GI issues, loose shits always, and always talks about wanting to figure out what the problem is but does not listen to any of my solutions so I’ve stopped offering any. (He has good health insurance and has for our whole relationship but has never bothered to get a PCP or go to the Dr, won’t avoid trigger foods, won’t increase fiber intake so this is all out of my hands)
He will primarily use the bathroom that is not attached to our bedroom to Shit in for whatever reason and I will ONLY use the attached bathroom because that’s where my squatty potty is.
So the problem is my bf will take all these shits, flush once my pressing the handle down and releasing immediately, and that’s about it. Because of the plumbing issues, there’s ALWAYS shit remnants whenever he goes. Every time I see it, I will point it out to him and say “you left your shit in the toilet go flush it” to which he will respond “I ALREADY DID” and I’ll say “it’s still in there, go flush it” and he will want me to flush it if I see it.
Before anyone gets all grossed out re: having company with shit remnants in the toilet we rarely have people over.
So this has been ongoing for the time at this apartment, and he gets all pissed off and annoyed when I interrupt his daily activities to tell him to go flush his shit, as idk, it’s inconvenient to him? To me it’s inconvenient to go to use a bathroom in my own private residence and there be shit still in there and having to flush pre and post use.
He alleges that he DOES flush twice and if it’s still in there it’s not his problem, he “refuses to waste his time watching it go down” “holding the handle down does nothing” “I don’t know how plumbing works” “he has big poops” etc, literally every and any excuse.
and I am capable of flushing. MY point is, you are a 29 yr old man, I will a) not flush your shit, and b) if I can disappear my shits, so can you.
Over the past week or so, there has been shit remnants in it and I have just not used the bathroom and not said anything. But when I came home from work after a night shift in the morning I noticed both toilets were dirty, so I woke him up and said “there’s shit in both the toilets”.
He got mad at me, and went through the whole rigamarole that I should flush it if it bothers me, and he flushed twice, he will not waste his time. We went back and forth for probably 30 mins (at first I was just annoyed and not mad, but he was raising his voice and woke up pissed that I woke him up to flush, which pissed me off so we were screaming at each other.
He did flush them both down)
I gave him several options: do what I do and hold the flusher, watch it go down, flush again if needed, fix the plumbing himself, or put in a work order and get it fixed, but one thing for certain, I WILL make him flush HIS SHIT every time I see it.
**edit** just want to add, he is not gross in anything else, tidy other than clothes on the floor which I do as well, great hygiene, takes out trash when it’s full, washes his ass with soap and water etc etc. it’s literally just him being lazy to flush his shit completely that’s driving apparently us both MAD.
Conclusion
In a shocking turn of events, this toilet tale is far from over, leaving us wondering if a simple flush can ever be truly settled. Will this couple flush out their differences or will the battle of the bowels continue?
The fight for a clean toilet is on, and the outcome is anyone’s guess in this surprisingly dramatic domestic dispute.
Here’s how people reacted:
I am so sorry you have had to parent your 29 year old boyfriend. My son started to do what I termed “monster shits” at 15. He was already 6’4. He had poops that didn’t make sense to me even if he was a big boy (he’s now 6’7 at 16). He left some “floaters” (not even floaters it was a log that didnt flush) 3-5 times. I pointed it out twice – because I was concerned if he was feeling ok (he had started working out and trying to put on weight so I just wanted to touch base about fibre and healthy eating). He mastered it on his own. At 15. Because it’s instinctive knowledge that other people do not want to deal with your shit (and I wiped his ass for years). He would be MORTIFIED if his gf saw that. He specifically cleans “his” toilet/bathroom before she comes over to ensure it’s nice for her to use.
I am flabbergasted that a 29 year old man needed multiple explanations and to be literally forced to do this. It’s no problem for you to flush his shit but he can’t take 10 extra seconds to deal with his own?? Idk. I can believe he isn’t gross in other ways, I can’t believe he doesn’t act entitled and doesn’t denigrate your requests/needs in other circumstances if he acts like this over something most people conquer at age 7.
Put in the work order yourself because he is clearly incapable/lazy.
Petty things while you wait for the work order to be completed (don’t do these, I’m just angry today)
– Ask if it’s a fetish of his for you to see his unflushed shit remnants
– Shit in his bathroom and leave it unflushed. Feign ignorance when he confronts you.
– Every time you take a shit, call him over once it’s done and demonstrate to him, using the simplest terms possible, how to hold down the flusher and flushing twice. Count the flushes on your hand. Make him repeat the steps out loud after you.
– Whenever his shit is in the toilet again, take a picture of it and send it to him with the caption, “This you?”
– Next time his shit is in the toilet, ignore it but invite a friend over. Warn them ahead of time so as to not traumatize them, and let the friend confront your bf.
– Ask his parents, in front of him, if he had any trouble potty training since he has issues flushing the toilet fully and completely.
– Tell him you’re worried about his eyesight/memory if he is incapable of remembering that his shit is still in the toilet. Print out some webmd articles about memory loss for support.
But forreal, is this the only thing he does that bothers you? If it is, putting in the work order should fix it but honestly I’d pay strong attention to his other behaviors, because this definitely sounds like weaponized incompetence. And total disrespect.
Your bf is a pill. But you can call in the work order. Unless you just want to keep fighting.
I couldn’t/wouldn’t live like that.
But, if you want to keep this up, I’d either put in the work order myself, or I’d change the knob on the bathroom you use so that you need to unlock it with a key and keep him out of your space.
This whole thing is gross and completely ridiculous.
**edit** if it wasn’t obvious, you’re definitely NTA.
My daughter and I live in an apartment like this, with two bathrooms and both toilets oftentimes need a double flush- they also clog EXTREMELY easily. She’s 15 and often has friends over for sleepovers, etc. Her and all her 15 year old friends can get it thru their heads to double flush- or to do a preemptive flush if it’s a big poo with lots of TP to prevent a clog. Your BF is incredibly lazy and apparently is missing that thing in his brain that makes him feel shame, because I would never want my partner to have to see/deal with that! SO GROSS.