She thought she knew her husband, but a messy toilet and a husband’s callous response expose a pattern of behavior that is far more disturbing than just a dirty bathroom.
I’m writing this because I’m standing my ground based on principle but not sure I’m totally right. So my husband and I have separate chores that we’ve taken on in our relationship and part of mine has always been cleaning the bathrooms. He’s never picked up a toilet brush in his life, and I’m usually perfectly fine with doing my part.
I cleaned it before we left for dinner tonight and all was well. After dinner, something didn’t agree with him and he spent a good 30 minutes in the bathroom (although I could hear him in there playing on his phone for a while). Later, when I went to use it myself, I found that it was destroyed in a way I’m struggling to describe.
Dried crap was splattered all over the bowel, all over the bottom of the seat, it was BAD, like I actually gagged. And I had just cleaned it before we left, so I was especially pissed that he’d made no effort to correct the situation.
When I told him I was grossed out, he pretended that he didn’t know he’d left it that way, which didn’t make sense because he has eyes. I said that he needs to clean it, no way am I doing it, especially since I’d just done it hours before. He said so what I’d just done it, that bathroom is my job.
He then said that he’d just bought me dinner, and me refusing to clean up his mess made me ungrateful (although he’s just come back from a 3 week vacation and I took care of our two kids by myself and the dinner was supposed to be a thank you for that).
Things escalated and ended by him shouting “if you don’t clean it that will show me who you really are” and I don’t even know what that means. All I know is I feel like if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t have left such a mess for him and told him it’s his problem to deal with.
So AITA for not doing a chore I would normally do because of this specific situation? I acknowledge the this is normally my job, but I feel like this is NOT a normal situation!
EDIT: so after reading all the comments and thinking over my husband’s patterns of behavior, I have a bigger problem than just a nuclear explosion in the toilet. This is the same man who wanted me to make sure me and the kids didn’t get Covid because it would ruin his 3 week trip (not because we could like, DIE, or anything).
The same person when he saw me clearly grieving over the loss of a dear friend to covid, called it a buzzkill because I wasn’t in the mood for sex. AND the kicker was when he called my dear friend a moron for not getting vaccinated and therefore kind of deserved what he got (my friend left behind 4 little girls who I guess don’t deserve a dad?).
All this is just a month’s worth of incidents where I’m slowly starting to wake up to the fact that’s he not really a good person. it’s gotten progressively worse in the last month and I’m really not sure who I married anymore.
This morning the first thing he said to me when he got up (at noon) was “So are you finally ready to apologize for your behavior last night?” No, but I am ready to move myself into the guest room (which is close to the toilet that is still usable). There’s some changes coming and I can’t believe I didn’t see this relationship for what it was until a bunch of strangers told me what was up.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE- this doormat has grown a backbone!
Conclusion
In a stunning turn of events, a wife’s realization of her husband’s true colors leads to a powerful act of self-discovery and independence. She stands her ground, refusing to be a doormat any longer, and makes a bold move that will change her life forever.
The story concludes with a triumphant shift in power, proving that sometimes, the biggest messes lead to the most beautiful transformations.
Here’s how people reacted:
He’s completely correct about that – this **will** show him whether you’re the sort of person who’s prepared to put up with his completely unreasonable shit, or not.
Show him you’re not.
Edit: I should add for the sake of formality, that you are NTA. I think we’re all pretty clear on that.
He threw the dinner back in your face. You took care of the kids so he could have a vacation.
Him yelling about “showing who you really are” actually just revealed who is really is. A self centred pig.
You’re not a partner. You’re his bang maid. You deserve better.
Obviously if your husband made a huge mess he should clean it up. Is he a toddler?
Honestly, it sounds like your relationship isn’t in a great place. I would suggest working on that, perhaps by getting therapy. Or a lawyer.
I’m a firm believer you should leave a toilet as if you had never been there. You may have your chores, however I think this is pushing it too far. There is cleaning a bathroom and then there is cleaning fresh crap.
I would never subject my partner to that, I would be too embarrassed.
Ew. I literally had to put my chocolate ice cream back to fridge as I’m reading this. What a slob he is.
EDIT – as I keep saying in comments, obviously if someone is ill and cannot physically do it themselves then it’s an obvious exception. But OP’s husband wasn’t ill, hence my comment.
EDIT 2 – ‘sick’ in the UK means ‘vomit’, not ill or poorly like it does in America
NTA no one should have to clean up other peoples shit when they’re capable of doing it themselves.
Level 1: Title + First Paragraph – Ah, a classic “husband thinks he’s exempt from chores.” Which flavor is he? Coddled Mama’s Boy? Sitcom Useless Husband? Selective Eyesight? Old-School Gender Roles Lite? My Friends Will Tease Me If They Know I Cleaned A Toilet Like A Bitch?
Level 2: I’m sorry, what was that now? Husband took a 3 week vacation without wife and kids? If I had zero information about his bodily functions this alone is….weird. I don’t want to make assumptions without more detail. But that does not sit well with me…
Level 3: Dinner thrown back in face. [Spousal abuse has entered the chat.] Guilt trip + financial abuse, and with how quickly he dropped this, I’d bet money this is something he does regularly/a way he always thinks about you and your relationship.
Level 4: His absolutely absurd closing line was reactive and dramatic. No normal person quantifies/substantiates their entire relationship on one single non-issue like a toilet cleaning.
My conclusion: Unless you guys have some serious life stress right now and/or are in a season where you’re just trying to keep your heads above water, making fuses shorter and small superficial stressors metaphors for larger, deeper stressors, because you’re both at your wits end – you’re gonna wanna make sure you know exactly what he did those three weeks and any other time he’s come home late unplanned. You either married an abusive misogynist or he’s having an affair.
NTA
Surely a sane mind would think to check the state of the toilet after they’ve had explosive diarrhea and maybe at least **try** to brush the worst of it off?
I’d be so embarrassed if I got called out on leaving skids.
You’re right to put your foot down and you need to do it more often.
I would make that grub clean the loo. Ugh you’re his wife not his mother, he had two hands and no one wants to clean up their husbands shhh stains.
Also, change the rules. Bathroom duty should never fall to one person alone. Switch on a weekly or monthly basis.
Honestly, I’m always for divvying up chores, but not when it comes to bathroom duty. I feel like this is the one thing everyone should be doing, so everyone has some stocks in behaving reasonably when using it. No one should get used to never having to clean their own toilet. Keep those feet on the ground.
He knew he was nasty and knew he would try and make you scrub his literally crap off a previous clean toilet. He saw, he just left it for you because he has no respect. Oh he bought you dinner so now you have to scrub his turds? What a saint. He should be embarrased with himself.
I would not let ANYONE disrepect me that way. I understand taking care of a sick partner or it being an accident but he tried to manipulate you a few times to clean it, despite it being his mess. By saying what he said and saying he got you food and its “your job”
NTA, like at all. You need to asses how he see’s and treats you. This and his treatmeant of you is disgusting.
>He then said that he’d just bought me dinner, and me refusing to clean up his mess made me ungrateful
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Has he always viewed your relationship so transactionally? Does he expect you to put out if you order the fancy salad?
“Shows what kind of person you are “? What it shows is that you’ve taken his shit for far too long and you are tired of it. I would pack my bags and leave him in charge of everything for at least a week. Maybe a little reality would make him appreciate you but I doubt it.