Could a daughter’s strange reaction to family tragedy hide a deeper secret?
I’m F45, and my daughter is 18.
Recently, my terminally ill aunt died a week after summer break started. (After a few months of her quick deterioration and just a few days of being in hospice because she had no response to treatment.)
My daughter has always been a closed off, reserved person. However, she’s a little immature when she doesn’t get what she wants, and is very snide and in your face sometimes during those occasions.
When my aunt died, my sister came over and has been here ever since, for about four weeks now, when we arranged the funeral and reception. My daughter did not cry or look upset at all, even though she’d sometimes go to look after her greataunt on the days her greatuncle needed to go out, since she was bedbound and completely paralysed and unable to speak.
You’d expect some sort of reaction, right? But she had none. She’d avoid her greataunt a lot, and never talked to me about her.
For this reason, I assumed she was just detached as a lot of children usually are, and left her alone. However, since her aunt and her three young children came to stay, she has been very bratty, and complains when she has to clean up after them because they’re quite spoiled.
She’s like this everytime they come to stay, because my sister is quite an unhygienic person and she and her children have had lice for years. She didn’t say anything to them since my aunt is grieving, so she hides in her room for the whole day because she feels “stuffy” and “repulsed.” Always asking me when they will leave.
I understand why she feels this way, I don’t like how the children and my sister crowd my home and not clean up after themselves. But they’re family, and we’re grieving even if she’s not.
She even hated the reception, not serving the guests (family and family friends.) and looking annoyed when I told her to, as she said she just wanted to “sit there.” It was very embarrassing for me. All she needed to do was hand out water.
I told her not to be too mean, as they’re family and her aunt is grieving, but she, being immature, narrowed her eyes at me and told me she feels trapped in this house, wanting space, before she went back to her room, even when I ask her to come downstairs and spend time with me.
She’s usually a sweet girl. Very smart and mature, even emotionally, and very perceptive, but for the past few weeks she’s been more reclusive and bratty than usual, even more so than other times when her aunt has been around. Am I right in being dismissive of her attitude and “feelings”?
It seems to me, as of recently, there’s been a bad change in her. Even if she doesn’t care about her greataunt dying, someone who has taken care of her before developing this illness and who she has known since she was young, she should at least think of her aunt’s needs.
Honestly, I’m quite annoyed. My mother told me I should just leave her alone to herself, but she needs to be kinder.
EDIT !!!!!!
Hello, everyone. Thank you for all the comments you’ve left, they have really opened my eyes to a lot of the stuff I had a responsibility to notice, but did not. I admit that tradition has influenced a lot of my decisions and my own personality and that has in turn affected my daughter, as much as I ignored it.
I will be having a long discussion with my sister about her problems, trying to sort her hygiene out as well as making her go back home, and giving my daughter a much needed apology. I don’t want to lose her, as many of you had pointed out that the longer I continue on this route, the higher the likelihood she’ll cut me off.
I’ll talk to her, and I’ll try to help her however she needs me to help.
Unfortunately, I am not in America but I have called the social services on my sister before and they closed the case after a very short investigation. I will not be calling them again due to their terrible service, but I will force my sister to get her act together by completely barring her from my house until she takes my advice.
Only until she has begun to take care of her own kids, will I allow her near my own.
I will also be trying my best to earn my child’s forgiveness.
Once again, thank you for calling me out on my behaviour. I need to change for my daughter. This has gone on far too long, and it isn’t fair on her.
Conclusion
The mother finally understood her daughter’s unusual behavior, leading to a powerful confrontation and a vow to change.
Discover how a mother’s realization saved her relationship and what she’ll do next to mend the damage.
Here’s how people reacted:
And also: who “likes” a funeral reception? What kind of demented better homes and gardens party planet are you living on? Stop alienating your daughter for no reason because “family” is no excuse for what you describe. YTA.
Hmmmmmm. You don’t think her bad attitude could be related to her great aunt dying? That’s kind of obtuse
Let’s not even address the fact that she’s probably also paranoid she’ll get head lice
And why should she be expected to clean up after your sister’s lice-ridden messy family (I’m not trying to be insulting, just descriptive)? Can’t you speak to your sister about managing her children better? Why do you expect your 18yo daughter to be more of a responsible adult than your sister who is the mother of the children??
I don’t think it’s your daughter who needs to be kinder.
EDIT: and btw, saying she felt “stuffy” out in the house sounds like a possible physiological reaction to your sister’s family’s lack of hygiene. In other words, it can be physical too, not just an emotional reaction.
Your expectations of your daughter are that one, she would be a caregiver for a dying woman. Two, that she will now act as a maid and nanny for your sister’s unhygienic and spoiled children. Three, that would would serve guests at a funeral reception she was not hosting. Four, That she would emote on command or at least in a way that suits you.
Your sister has needs all right. The need to move out of your house and take her kids with her. Why has she been there for a month and why haven’t you set some boundaries for the well-being of your teenager?
Listen, I’m sorry for your loss but YTA. Majorly.
Grief isn’t performative. Just because you haven’t seen her cry doesn’t mean she isn’t bothered.
>for the past few weeks she’s been more reclusive and bratty than usual,
Gee… I wonder if something happened recently that would make her withdrawn and less likely to want to deal with people.
A better question is why you keep allowing your sister, who is “quite an unhygienic person and she and her children have had lice for years” to repeatedly stay in your home, and why are you putting their needs above your daughter’s?
Did your daughter invite your sister and her three kids to stay with you? If not, she shouldn’t have to clean up after them. You shouldn’t even be letting them into the house if they’ve got lice.
Go grieve with your sister in her home.
YTA.
Is this the first major death in the family? I wouldn’t write off her reaction as not caring, but just processing differently than you do.
2. Now, your daughter is forced to clean up after her three cousins who are spoiled. Why don’t they have to clean up after themselves?
3. You mention your daughter was forced to serve guests at the reception. Why wasn’t she allowed peace to grieve like everyone else?
4. You bash your daughter for being detached, immature, and a slew of other negative adjectives. At no point do you mention actually asking her how she feels and it’s clear you force her to pick up everyone else’s slack and take on responsibilities that aren’t hers. Of course she isn’t happy and wants to be alone.
5. You finally say a few nice things about her being sweet, then turn around call her bratty and say she’s had a bad change recently. MAYBE BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO GRIEVE AND YOU’RE IGNORING THAT AND MAKING HER TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE WHEN YOU’RE THE PARENT WHO SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF HER.
You need to be kinder. YTA.
EDIT: just saw the lice thing and some of your comments where you say you’ve seen no outward sign of grief from your daughter. These behaviour changes ARE the outward signs. Just because you’re ignoring them and burying your head in the sand instead of being a parent doesn’t mean the signs aren’t there. Jesus Christ. Tell your sister and her kids to get it together or get out, and show your daughter some basic respect.
Grieving is NOT a public performance. It is an intimate process and more often than not, people who don’t show it on the outside are in extreme pain on the inside. NO ONE shoud expect this poor girl to cry as a public display to prove that she is suffering. She manages the best she can as a young adult and this entire process is insanely hard as it is without having her mother pestering her for not showing enough emotions. This only makes you the AH.
But the part about her having to clean up other people’s disgusting messes and expecting her to be the perfect little hostess at the funeral makes you a colossal AH. This is just wrong. If she is shy and reserved why on earth would you force her to act as a waitress ? You’re putting her on the back burner, making just about everyone’s feelings more important than hers.
Do better now before she puts YOU on her back burner.
Your houseguests are not her responsibility. And since their behavior is not a result of their grieving, but rather just part of their personality, she definitely shouldn’t have to put up with it and quite frankly, neither should you. If you invite people into your home, regardless of the circumstance, they should be gracious guests, and at the very least be cleaning up after themselves.
It sounds as if you regularly expect her to help out with things that aren’t her responsibility. I get that we all want kids that are compassionate and caring and helpful but have you met teenagers? That’s your prerogative as a parent but it’s also her prerogative as a teenager to have a bad attitude about it.
You’ve basically decided she needs to take on the role of carer for these kids, and it seems like you think she should have spent the funeral reception serving people instead of being able to have feelings and process them.
It seems like you’re punishing her for not mourning the way you think she should, and making it difficult for her to get even a second to herself to feel without having to deal with other people and their expectations.
YTA, give your daughter a break, and tell your sister that she needs to get her kid’s lice treated and clean up after them if she wants to stay in your home. It’s not your daughter’s job to follow after them like a maid, or to get lice because you can’t say no or enforce boundaries with your sister.
What culture do you live in that the grieving family is expected to pass out food and drinks at a funeral reception? Every one I have gone to has been catered in some capacity, or a pot luck. Who in their right mind expects the grieving family to host after the funeral?
YTA