My son married my DIL who was diagnosed with a progressive disease after two years of marriage. When her health deteriorated, my DIL became more disabled faster than her doctors or she expected. There were many hospitalizations, and eventually she became bedridden and dependent for everything on my son and caregivers.
My husband and I helped with care and money. She died a little over a year ago after they’d been married for almost a decade. I am very proud of my son for how he lived up to his vows. I am sorry that my DIL had a short life, and there were times we were close and I loved her, but I’m just going to say flat out that she could be a difficult person.
When we met her, she was nice and brought a lot of fun to my son’s life, but as time went on, she became sometimes cruel and angry, and I’m sure her poor health and depression affected that. She refused to get therapy. She lashed out at my son sometimes.
When she died, my son told me he felt guilty because he cried because the burden was gone.
Her parents have a lot more money than my son or we do. They paid for a very expensive wedding with hundreds of their friends and acquaintances, but over the whole time of her illness, only gave about $2,000, and that was in birthday and Christmas presents.
My son asked them to contribute more once, but they refused. My son stayed at a job he didn’t like because the health benefits were good, and he made good money instead of pursuing his dreams. Her parents never spent any time helping her physically and very little with her at all.
Her mother told me it was too depressing. They were traveling and had a lot of social engagements.
My husband and I are putting off retirement because of the money we gave to help the children. When my DIL was dying, we called them on their vacation, and they didn’t come back until 2 days after she died.
Outside of the funeral, I only saw them once at the grocery store, which is where I lost it. They said hello to me and explained to a couple they were with who I was. The way they talked, it felt like they were glorying in being the bereaved parents to an audience.
They kept talking, even to the checker, soaking up the sympathy. It was so fake (I thought). I exploded and told them off. I called them shitty, shitty people. I think I mentioned every time they acted badly to my son and DIL. I called them shitheads and a lot of other swear words I don’t use.
I followed them out to their car shouting until they drove away. I kept yelling shitty, shitty people. I have never acted like that before. I’m too embarrassed to go back to that store.
I don’t feel like I’m an asshole, but maybe I should feel that way. They did lose their only child, and I can’t see in their hearts. And I was thinking about the money and not just how they hurt their daughter by not being there for her. I also think I really scared the couple they were with.
I could tell they thought I was deranged. I keep hoping to see them again so I can verbally attack them. I know that would make me the asshole, but I still think about it.
Conclusion
In a story of profound sacrifice and shattered expectations, one mother’s fury erupts when faced with the ultimate betrayal. Discover the raw, unvarnished truth about the choices made and the hearts broken, and see how a mother’s love, pushed too far, finally snaps.
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA.
Are they shitty, shitty people? Absolutely. Do they deserve to be told that? Absolutely.
Concerning the way you went off on DIL’s uninvolved, narcissistic parents, good for you. You defended the DIL’s honor and how spectacularly her parents failed her. That anger was justified.
But we, as humans, often lash out the strongest at those who remind us of our own behaviour… the way you spoke of your DIL as being angry and mean *as she was dying and had to come to terms with losing the life she dreamed of* is callous AF.
No, there is nothing wrong with your son feeling relief from the burden that is a sick partner; it’s a LOT of pressure and, trust me, the sick partner HATES it. We feel SO guilty that our illness has, by association, ruined the dreams of the person we love most in this world. I guarantee your DIL’s heart aches knowing what she was putting your son and yourself through. No one wants to become a burden!
I suggest perhaps your son and yourself do some family counseling to help you all work through the normal and understandably confusing feelings of grief and relief. There is nothing wrong with being relieved someone isn’t suffering anymore, but you don’t need to go out of your way to paint your deceased DIL as a difficult person. She was DYING for crying out loud.
But, that said, from the adult child of a narc parent, thank you for standing up for her to them. I hope they wallow in shame. Of course, narcs never do, because they lack empathy, but a girl can dream.
*edited to add I am sorry for your loss.
Most people have absolutely no idea the toll that caretaking and supporting terminally ill people takes on the people who are actually doing it. The financial piece is huge, so don’t let anyone underestimate either. I know the kind of money you are talking about, and it’s years worth of savings and work.
These people had options. If they didn’t want to carry the emotional burden, they could have helped with the financial burden; if they didn’t want to contribute financially, they could have provided emotional and logistical support to help your son so he could get some respite; if they wanted to do none of that, they could have provided emotional support to their daughter and at least alleviated some emotional weight from your son, and you. They did nothing. They didn’t even come to see her before she died.
They can play that off to their friends however they like, you can’t control that, but they can’t force you to be complicit in their public displays of grief and suffering. It’s disgraceful. You had every right to go off and say whatever you wanted to, these people used you and then reaped the benefit of the empathy and compassion that rightfully belongs to you and your son.
You don’t need therapy or anything else, they acted like assholes and you returned the favor. And if you see them again and go off on them again so what, you’re still paying the financial and emotional cost of the extended illness and death of their daughter. So screw them. If they’re smart they’ll run next time.
Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.
You are too embarrassed to go back to the store because you acted like an asshole there. I understand you are upset, but shouting, swearing in a public place, and following others to their car in the parking lot to continue to yell at them is an asshole move.
The catharsis of knowing such absent parents got to feel the brunt of your anger is, I must confess, a little satisfying, even if you aren’t proud of it. Maybe, at least, they’ll think twice about the whole “milking the fact my child died for sympathy points” thing, even if they do miss their daughter.