Hey Reddit, I’m 15F dealing with some family stuff, and I need some help. My parents divorced about 9 years ago and about 5 years ago, my mom and brother (1 year older than me) passed away in an accident. My dad (39M) married Sarah (35F) when I was 9 so about a year before my mom and brother died.
Sarah is the jealous type. She doesn’t like it when she hears people talk about my mom or brother and she has removed all traces of my mom and brother from the house (everywhere except my room). It became worse after my mom and brother died, and then much worse ever since she became pregnant and my little sister was born.
She believes it’s time for us to move on and focus on the family we have rather than the one we lost.
We fight a lot in the house, but we had a public fight yesterday. We were visiting my grandparents and I was talking to my aunt (dad’s sister, who really liked my mom) and she was telling me about a nice memory of when my mom was pregnant with my brother.
We were talking quietly so nobody except me, my aunt and cousin were part of the conversation but Sarah inserted herself and suggested that it’s disrespectful to her to talk about my dad’s ex during an event when she is present.
I said “Sarah keep walking, it’s not about you” but she took me to a corner and said this is our family policy to present a united front, and she is my dad’s wife now with a baby and we should not mention his previous wife or son. I snapped and said you can’t erase them no matter how much you try and you go fuck yourself.
It was loud so everyone heard, she also shouted that I should show her some respect. I showed her a middle finger, said you’re pathetic and jealous of people who died years ago and walked away.
Last night my dad tried to mediate and suggest we both did wrong and should apologize to each other and move on, and neither of us are willing to do that. My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family.
Sarah says she’s tired of living in my mom’s shadow and family don’t love her like they did my mom, also says her daughter also lives in the shadow of my brother and doesn’t have her own identity. I’m tired of her behavior and will not put up with it anymore.
People who were there generally took my side though. I have support of both grandparents, aunt and several cousins who all told me they didn’t know she was doing this to me and won’t be inviting her to any events again. She has the support of my uncle’s new wife who also believes the family like my uncle’s ex wife better.
So after talking to my dad I’m wondering if I was an AH for not controlling my temper and maybe I could have avoided a public conflict which now everyone knows about.
Conclusion
In a shocking turn of events, the family is left fractured after a heated public clash. While some stand by the teenager’s side, others question her actions, leaving the future of this blended family hanging precariously in the balance. Will reconciliation ever be possible, or has the damage been done?
Here’s how people reacted:
“How could anyone love you? You do things like get angry when a child talks about their dead mother. You are a bad person.”
to father;
“I will not forget you letting her do this to me.”
>avoided a public conflict
If they try to pull the public part again;
“If you believe what you’re asking for is good you should have no fear of people in public hearing you talk about it. From now on, whenever we are around people together I am going to ask them if they think a child should be allowed to talk about their dead parent, or if they should have to pretend like they don’t exist. Lets find out what people think. If you’re not ashamed of what you’re doing you should have no problem hearing their answers.”
Can you move in with other family?
First of all OP I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you must be going through….At your age this is a lot to take on
Just because Sarah wants to create an illusion of a “Happy Family” and pretend everything is ok doesn’t mean you have to play along
She needs to respect your grief and accept that you have a right to feel the way you do and how dare she try and act like you’re an inconvenience for feeling that way
She clearly doesn’t get that acting like this in front of others is most likely why your dads family don’t like her
Shame on your dad for not advocating for you and standing up to his wife…..I also feel sorry for your sister who is caught up in all this tension through no fault of her own and maybe family counselling may be beneficial to all of you
Good luck OP!
I still use him as a guide for me in my life decisions.
And he will always be part of my life, no matter what.
NTA
Your stepmother needs to grow the fuck up. She wants attention so much that she is willing to desecrate the memory of a dead person.
Does your father remember his own son anymore? Or has your stepmother destroyed that memory too?
She’s jealous of your mum and brother who have both passed away.
You’re right, she’s absolutely *pathetic*.
>My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family.
Your dad is just as bad for not supporting you.
NTA
Your dad is an AH as well for allowing her to behave this way! He should be sticking up for you.
Finally, the stepmother says the family didn’t love her like they did your mother? Maybe that’s because she’s trying to actively destroy your memories of your mother and brother, trying to replace your mom.
She sounds like an awful person.
Now, for the adults… It could be that your stepmom is correct and your dad’s family do not treat her as well as they did your mom, and your little sister may be on the outside due to that. The thing is, that is not your fault. It’s for your dad to deal with. You should not avoid talking about your mom and brother. Keep your head high and their memory going.
As you, with your young age of 15, stated, she is an insecure woman!
She clearly is the asshole… as well as your Dad! He should have the decency to figure it out , even if he moved along, that your Mum an Brother are an initial part of your life! Seems like he found solitude in a new woman/marriage while leaving you behind.
Good to hear that most of your family got your back!!! They are right as you are!
Sorry but I love this!