Find out how a seemingly ordinary outing devolved into a public spectacle and the surprising reason behind it all.
I was in a department store shopping today with my husband and our kid when I started feeling really overwhelmed by the cold, cruel, and odd way he had been acting and speaking to me on and off all day (ignoring me and not acknowledging if I spoke or asked a question, insulting me under his breath, blaming me for his mood, and telling me we’d had conversations I know we hadn’t).
I kept asking him what was wrong and he finally said he was angry because he felt like I was making him do something he didn’t want to do this weekend, despite being encouraging and excited about it yesterday when we made the complex plans.
I felt so confused and upset at his change of heart and blaming me for his anger and attitude that I started shaking and couldn’t hold back the tears. I tried to stuff my feelings back down, but once I started crying I couldn’t stop. My husband told me to stop and said it was embarrassing.
Then he stormed off by himself without a word leaving me standing in the aisle with our cart and kid, sobbing. For some reason this made me lose control and cry harder.
He came back and took our kid with him, then walked past a few times as I was starting to be able to breathe and calm down and said I could leave and go with him as soon as I stopped crying, then quickly left again. But every time he did this it felt harder and harder to stop crying.
I eventually felt so overwhelmed that I sat on the floor where I was and continued crying, hoping it would stop.
Eventually store security came and I expected to be thrown out. However, they just asked if I was okay and recommended I sit somewhere comfier than the floor. Soon after that my mortified husband came and pulled me off the floor and had me follow him around the store while I tried to stop and he pretended everything was fine and acted like I wasn’t upset at all or even there.
Somehow this felt worse, but I eventually ran out of tears and went numb.
When we got to the car my husband reprimanded me and told me in front of our kid, “We don’t have feelings or cry in public. You aren’t being an adult.” I know he’s uncomfortable with feelings in general, but I did not know this was the expectation. In fact, I thought we’d agreed to try to not to be like his parents and not allow feelings because they’re inconvenient or embarrassing.
I really did try to keep from crying, but I couldn’t help it. He thinks I need to apologize and make sure it doesn’t happen again. I don’t know if I can help it and don’t agree that I shouldn’t have feelings in public. AITA?
Conclusion
Left devastated and confused, she questioned everything she thought she knew about her relationship and public expectations.
Will she ever be able to reconcile her feelings with her husband’s demands, or is this just the beginning of a much bigger unraveling?
Here’s how people reacted:
#GET DIVORCED.
*the cold, cruel, and odd way he had been acting and speaking to me on and off all day (ignoring me and not acknowledging if I spoke or asked a question, insulting me under his breath, blaming me for his mood, and telling me we’d had conversations I know we hadn’t*
*He thinks I need to apologize*
He belittled you. Not just via a single intemperate remark stemming from a moment of frustration – we’ve all made a remark like that, and instantly regretted it – but for an entire day. He was in a bad mood, he blamed you for it, and he took out his bad temper on you for a whole day, in a way deliberately intended to make you feel small and stupid and wrong.
His behavior is a form of abuse. You do not owe your abuser an apology.
Now, maybe this day was a one-off, entirely uncharacteristic of your husband. Or maybe it’s a regular pattern of behavior, and it has been chipping away at your self-esteem for a long time.
Either way, it’s beyond AITA’s pay grade.
I would urge you to find out what resources there are in your area for this kind of situation, and to get on the phone to them.
You need to sit down with a trained counselor, describe to them what your relationship is like, work out whether your husband might be amenable to counseling, work out whether there’s anything in this relationship worth salvaging, work out whether he’s likely to be a physical danger to you – basically, work out where you go from here.
And where you go might be to a divorce lawyer. You deserve better than this.
Sounds like he’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to deal with problems… and like you don’t have a healthy emotional outlet so things build up until they are unstoppable.