My wife and I have a 3 year old daughter, Alexis. Both of us work and Alexis has attended daycare since she was 1. In the 2 years since, we have been asked to leave 2 programs because my wife is a micromanager. I admit both of us went into the first program not really understanding daycare.
I quickly learned that they can’t provide personalized care and after learning from her teachers, I reset my expectations. My wife, however, has a lot of anxiety and worries about our daughter. She hates when she gets even a little upset. **She’s in therapy and is working on it.**
First program, my wife would constantly watch the live feed and call the daycare multiple times a day. We had several talks about it and the school talked to us twice. My wife ended up screaming at one of the teachers and then the director. We were terminated immediately.
Second daycare was a little better because my wife began therapy. But my wife was still so nervous and had a complaint every single day. These were not important things, small things like she saw another child took a toy from Alexis and she would cry.
The teacher would give the toy back to Alexis but my wife didn’t understand why the other child wasn’t punished for it. This daycare didn’t kick us out but did eventually suggest that this may not be the best program for us. My wife and I decided to pull Alexis out.
My wife because of her anxiety, myself because I knew my wife had burned bridges and was becoming “one of those moms”.
We chose a smaller home daycare this time as we couldn’t afford another center. The woman who owns it is very nice but also firm. She stands by her boundaries and won’t let my wife break any rules, whereas the centers were definitely more accommodating.
My wife would take any inch she got. This time, she doesn’t get that opportunity. I thought all was well as the owner only speaks to my wife for the most part.
Then, I get put in a group text saying my wife has been bombarding the owner with texts every day, despite the owner saying she will text her at lunch when things are settled. She said at this point, she will only be responding at specific times of the day and not looking the rest.
The owner then added sent several pages of the contract with passages highlighted, reminding us of certain policies my wife had violated.
I was pissed. When Alexis went to bed that night, my wife and I talked. I said this was our last option for daycare. The other centers are too expensive and this was the only home daycare in the area that we like. A nanny is not in our budget. My wife made a million excuses, including that it’s not her fault she’s anxious.
I said if we are asked to leave this program too, my wife will be the one quitting her job to watch Alexis, not me. This upset my wife. I pointed out I’ve spoken to her kindly about this plenty of times. I encourage her to keep up her therapy. But she can’t keep getting us kicked out of programs.
My wife is now not speaking to me.
AITA?
EDIT: I cannot be the primary contact for daycare due to not being able to have my phone on me at work.
Conclusion
After repeated clashes and facing their last resort, the parents faced a stark ultimatum: change or one parent stays home. Will this final wake-up call lead to a breakthrough, or is this the end of their daycare journey?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your wife is the exact definition of a toxic helicopter parent, she’s going to not only ruin your life (already in that process), your daughters life in the future, and her own life.
NTA. Your wife has issues.
Has your wife never been around children? Everything is a teachable moment, but she goes directly to punishment. She is harming your daughter’s development
I also find it ridiculous that she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions. She is a grown ass woman saying “it’s not my fault” after getting her kid kicked out of multiple childcare situations. She may have something to work through and I get that she’s in therapy. However, her anxiety isn’t a hall pass to treat people like garbage. I think telling her she’d need to be a stay at home parent if she burns this last bridge was exceptionally reasonable. I see nothing you could have done differently. If that’s not what she wants, she better put a priority on learning some coping skills. It sounds like she’s only one outburst away from her kid being kicked out again. NTA
ETA- Thanks for the awards! They are my first ones ever. I’m feeling kind of special.
Your wife, on the other hand…
> She has been diagnosed with PPA but won’t take meds for it.
This is the substance of your post. Your wife has two choices: Either take the prescribed meds, or quit her job.
Therapy is a great first step, but it won’t be effective until your wife starts taking her meds. The meds will take the edge off her anxiety.
Once her anxiety is a bit more under control, the therapist can then work with her to understand where her anxiety springs from, and how to better deal with it.
If your wife becomes a SAHM, I would still insist upon the therapy and the meds.
Children can learn to be anxious, and your LO will surely mimic your wife’s anxiety.
But, here we are, NTA. Therapy is great, but has your wife spoken to her PCP about a medical diagnosis of PPD/A? Would she be open to medical intervention? Something tells me this degree of overbearance will not solve itself over time with only the help of talk therapy.
Couples therapy or divorce.
For the sake of your daughter, you need to get your wife some serious help and if she doesn’t want to .
Leave and take your kid with you .
She has textbook PPA, like straight-up outta the book my guy.
Get her a psychiatrist, get her meds, and get her out of her own way.
Get her parents, siblings, any of her friends involved from your side, cause she’s not gonna take any of the intervention well (which, again, is textbook)
I’m betting a million dollars she’s been declining meds? Cause there’s no chance her obgyn hasn’t brought it up, or some member of her care team.
Just remember, you can’t coparent with someone who’s unwell.
Good luck man.
NTA.
For Alexis’ sake, perhaps your wife needs more intensive therapy, I can’t imagine that it is healthy for Alexis to have her mother so fraught with her every action that she becomes afraid to show any emotion as Mom will get upset. Kids need emotions and they need to learn how to manage them, your wife is not allowing this – when she isn’t even there! I fair for Alexis if you pull her out of daycare and she is with your wife 24/7.
Also your wife is probably lying to her therapist.
She accused the daycare of abusing her daughter. She quit work to be a SAHM. She then began accusing her husband of feeding the baby crushed glass.
She had to be hospitalized. Your wife may need more intensive therapy and medication. I’m guessing your wife becoming a SAHM will not improve the situation.