I have been married to my wife Hannah (36) for 2 years. She and my daughter Morgan (16) don’t have a daughter-mother relationship. To be completely transparent here…they both fight often and just don’t get along. Morgan used to spend most of her time at her mom’s, but now is staying with us for school.
I remember Hannah telling me about a novel Morgan has been writing on her laptop. She admitted to sneaking and looking at it without Morgan’s knowledge, but she praised her writing style and storytelling, so I thought that was a positive thing.
Yesterday, I got back home and found Morgan and her mom yelling at Hannah. I asked what was happening, and Morgan told me that Hannah deleted her novel. Hannah said that Morgan created a character in the novel using her description and name and making her the villain, not only that but she wrote bad words about her.
Morgan argued that it was just a character, and Hannah had no business snooping on her laptop to begin with. Hannah broke down crying after my ex-wife threatened her. I just watched the 3 of them fight and did nothing nor said a single word. I stepped out for a minute to get fresh air, and moments later, Hannah unloaded on me about how I should’ve defended her in the argument instead of acting so cowardly.
Morgan and her mom also said that I should’ve done something when Hannah decided to snoop then delete Morgan’s months worth of work. It just became too much with the 3 of them berating me and yelling in my face. Morgan went home with her mom, and she was crying and refused to speak to me, and Hannah checked into a hotel also refusing to speak to me.
The texts from both sides kept coming in, both telling me I should’ve done something and should’ve taken their side in the argument. I just had to stay out of this one. I was on my feet the entire week working, both mental and physical health are down the drain, and I’m tired of them fighting all the time then blaming me for my actions or lack of.
Both are expecting me to get involved and do something to fix this, but I haven’t done anything yet.
Am I the asshole for not getting involved?
Conclusion
In a shocking turn of events, the husband’s silence leaves him isolated as both his wife and stepdaughter refuse to speak to him. With his family fractured and tensions higher than ever, the real question is whether his passive stance will shatter his relationships forever.
Here’s how people reacted:
Hanna should pay for the recovery services to get the novel back (this will run $1500-$3000 and wont guarantee that it is successful). There is no question who TA is here and its both you and hannah.
The laptop should be powered off and not used until it is sent in for recovery to give it the bast chance of succeeding.
>It just became too much with the 3 of them berating me and yelling in my face.
Well you arent going to have a great time here either.
Your daughter was writing fiction, and probably processing some stuff with that writing. Hannah snooped, then deleted her work. Work which was in no way public or created to hurt Hannah.
You are TA for not realizing how profoundly Hannah fucked up here and how inappropriate her behavior was.
Write what you know.
That’s people are encouraged to write about. Sometimes one character is a mix of different people in the author’s life.
Sometimes it’s a complete fabrication.
Did you ever consider that maybe this novel could be your daughter’s way of working through her feelings?
Even if it was a complete vilification of your wife, this is a novel. It may not get published. It may end up being a bestseller.
Chances are, it would have stayed on her computer, basically a digital version of a diary.
Your wife did a terrible thing. *Multiple* terrible things:
1. She snooped on your daughter’s computer. She’s not the mother, and even if she were, I would have issues with that.
2. She turned a creation of your daughter’s imagination into an argument about herself.
3. She deleted months worth of work because she didn’t like how one character was written.
Your wife needs to apologize. YOU need to apologize. Because you should *absolutely* have done something. You should have stood up for your daughter’s right to privacy and the freedom to write a book.
YTA
You learned that your asshole wife deleted your daughter’s intellectual property that took a lot of time and hard work and that didn’t make you livid.
You want to play Switzerland in a situation where your asshole wife unambiguously victimized your daughter.
Gee, hmm, I don’t know, YTA?
What your wife did to your daughter is borderline abusive
This is not something even an adult would recover from easily
You seriously need to get involved and deal with you wife acting like a Disney villain to your daughter
You will not have a relationship with your daughter past 18 if you allow something this heinous to stand
First things first, pay an expert to recover your daughters novel digitally immediately, literally no matter the cost… it will be cheaper than the therapy in every way
You are 100% being a bad father right now and sometimes you just have to be on your own child’s side, even if the victimizer is your own wife
Sometimes not taking a side is definitely taking a side, especially when an adult is hurting a child… there is no neutral
Your poor daughter should not have to suffer for your wife’s insecurity. And your first responsibility is to protect your child. You should have said something the very first time Hannah admitted to snooping and maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Why don’t you feel anything when your wife abuses your child?
Sounds like you’ve emotionally checked out. Come on man, stick up for your daughter. Writing is therapeutic. Your wife had no business snooping through her writing like that, especially if it wasn’t coming from a concerned mother’s POV.
>She admitted to sneaking and looking at it without Morgan’s knowledge but she praised her writing style and story telling so I thought that was a positive thing.
You should have told her here she was crossing a boundary and not to do it again.
>Mirgan argued that it was just a character and Hannah had no business snooping on her laptop to begin with
Your child is right. Your wife is petty af too.
>Hannah broke down crying after my ex wife thratened her. I just watched the 3 of them fight and did nothing nor said a single word.
Grow a spine and stand up for your daughter. This situation is simple. Your AH wife was wrong. Your daughter is right.
Hanna made a decision to destroy your daughter’s work. She needs to deal with her adult decisions, as an adult. She did not consult you before she did this, so she does not get to hide behind you.
Let’s be honest. Unless you daughter self published on Amazon, this was only ever gonna be her private writing. Lots of teenagers write for different reasons. Escapism, fantasy, daydreams, but many write without even realizing how therapeutic it is for them. The create self inserts, work out their own internal struggles, reason out their pain.
This novel was her journal.
She could be her own hero. She could have support from a cast of imaginary best friends. She could develop a sense of reason and develop strategies to help her face all the changes going on in her life. It was also a creative exercise, a self challenge to work on.
Your wife decided to snoop, didn’t like what she read (struck too close to home?) and decided to DESTROY IT SILENTLY, LIKE A SNEAK.
And now your wife wants validation and support? NOPE.
You married a self involved, selfish, unemphatic beast.
Aw you’re tired? Sucks to be you, put your big girl panties on, and deal with the bitch you married and tell your daughter how sorry you are that this was done to her, and see if her work can be saved.
When you have a kid, your first responsibility is to your kid. Your wife is wrong and you are wrong for not defending your daughter.
When you go apologize to your daughter, teach her about Google Drive or another online backup, and have her download Recuva. It’s the easiest free way to see if the novel is recoverable.