AITA for telling my sister in law i’m not her late sister and she needs to see a therapist?

You won’t believe how a family dinner turned into a full-blown drama! A young woman’s world is turned upside down when her sister-in-law’s unsettling comparisons escalate into outright invasion of privacy. What starts as seemingly innocent remarks about shared interests quickly morphs into a disturbing obsession, pushing boundaries and testing the limits of family ties. Get ready for a story that will make you question everything you thought you knew about sisterly bonds and how grief can twist the most unexpected relationships.

I’m (19F) feeling really conflicted about a situation with my sister-in-law (27). Her little sister passed away three years ago, and while she says she’s grieved, I’m not so sure.

She constantly compares me to her late sister. It started with similar interests like high school subjects, sports, and colors, but it’s escalated to almost everything I do. Even the way I decorate my room and the snacks I like. I’ve tried to talk to her, as kindly as possible, asking her to stop comparing me, because it makes me uncomfortable.

She didn’t.

I then spoke to my sister (her wife) and asked her to intervene, but nothing changed. Everyone else thinks I’m overreacting and that I should let it go, saying she sees me like a little sister and it’s normal behavior.

It’s gotten worse recently, especially since my boyfriend has been over more often. She makes comments like, “My parents wouldn’t have let my sister have a boyfriend in her room” or “You’re lucky (boyfriend) isn’t around me, or I’d kick him out.”

Yesterday, I asked my mom if my boyfriend could stay for dinner, and she said yes. My sister-in-law overheard and got angry. She made snarky comments about how we spend too much time together and how she’s surprised we’re allowed to have boys in my room.

Then she announced she’d stay home instead of going out to “keep an eye” on my boyfriend and me. I didn’t think much of it. When my boyfriend came over, we went to my room. Not even ten minutes later, she started barging in, demanding I wash dishes, asking random questions, and trying to join us.

Eventually, I locked my door. She flipped out. She started screaming and banging, yelling at me to open it. When I did, she started yelling that her sister wouldn’t have been allowed to lock her door, so I wasn’t either. That’s when I lost it. I called her delusional and told her she needed therapy.

She told my parents, and now they want me to apologize because it’s “just her big sister instincts.” My sister wants me to apologize, too, calling my words “heartless.” I’ve refused, and now they think I’m an insensitive asshole. Am I the asshole?

***

I’m also getting mixed answers. A lot of comments say NTA, but I’m getting ESH/YTA in private messages. I’m confused. Should I apologize, or was my reaction okay? Are the private messages even relevant, or are they just trolls?

I did have to move back in with my parents because my apartment burned down, but I’m planning to move out again by December. I know I need to get away.

-This is my last edit because I’m tired of people making excuses.

NO, my boyfriend did not do anything creepy to make her want to “protect” me.

NO, I did not yell at her. She did the yelling. I told her in an annoyed tone yes, but no shouting.

My parents DO trust my boyfriend. They wouldn’t have approved of our relationship for two years if they didn’t.

So what if I live with my parents? She does too. It doesn’t make me any less of an adult.

She isn’t trying to be a good “big sister” when my own sister doesn’t care what I do.

Here’s how people reacted:

manholetxt

NTA. That’s really messed up of her and you’re correct, she does need some therapy or counselling. It doesn’t sound like anyone is giving her a neutral perspective here and just enabling her to project her late sister on you—is there anyone in your corner, OP? a relative or trusted authority figure? this sounds like a lot to go through alone, and i feel like you could use some sensible backup, because you’re definitely not out of line here.

whoistimkono

NTA. She way overstepped her boundaries and she does need therapy.

andreabarbato

NTA. This woman is problematic and you are the only one with the balls to make it known to her, seems like. You’re big enough to establish all the boundaries you want and let nobody make you uncomfortable so they feel comfortable. That being said I’m sure she’s in a sea of pain over her dead sister. Let everybody know once that she needs to go through therapy to handle the situation and you’re not in charge of her feelings but only your own, and that they should respect how you feel about this too!

OldKindheartedness73

Nta. She’s trying to make you a dead person. That’s wrong. Flat out tell your parents and sister that you are sorry that she lost her sister, but you aren’t her and will never be who she thinks you need to be. You need to be you and true to you.

Eta: tell them you have parents and you’d appreciate no more parents because you love the ones you have.

Majestic_Grocery7015

NTA. While you probably could have been nicer about it you were pushed. You’ve spoken about it before and was ignored. You’re right too, her behavior isn’t healthy

DormantDormaus

NTA. Please continue to communicate to the family that she needs help. This is transference and it’s not healthy in this case.

HapaMari

NTA but…

1. As soon as she said she wouldn’t go out because she wanted to keep an eye on you guys, you should’ve talked to her. She’s expressed that she doesn’t like him, that she doesn’t think you two being alone is “appropriate,” and she’s been otherwise invasive with you. Learn the cues that someone is being invasive and defend your boundaries before it explodes.

2. You were so right about the comparisons being weird and your family were being pretty invalidating of your discomfort. Still, I think it’d be good to learn to advocate for yourself. If they won’t defend your boundaries, you must. You should’ve told her a long time ago that you were sorry for her loss, but that the comparisons make you uncomfortable and to please stop. And then whenever she does it again, say, “I’m not your little sister, please stop comparing me,” even if it makes things uncomfortable (because really, it’s the comparison that made things uncomfortable).

crayolainmybrain

NTA, she is stepping far out of her lane to parent you.

amusedbuch

NTA – try explaining that you are your own person.
You are also 19 and an adult. Your parents or sister in law have no say.

Do you look like her? Maybe due your hair for a bit or change your style until she starts back off.

She needs a wake up call. You are not her sister. She is dead and you can not live your life with someone treating you like that.

Careful_Swan3830

NTA

Your delivery was harsh but I don’t see a lie there. She is delusional and she does need to see a therapist. She is absolutely trying to replace her sister with you and the level of control she’s trying to exert over the romantic and sex life of a grown adult is disturbing to say the least.

Rambling_Rogue

NTA- also, if you’re 19 then who cares if you were actually having sex in the privacy of your own room. You are an adult. You are aloud to be alone with whomever you want. Apologizing to her will only make her think she was right. It almost sounds more like she’s jealous/obsessed with you and trying to cause issues for your relationship then any genuine connection with her passed sister.

byebyelovie

NTA- you’re her sister In Law not HER little sister. I understand what your mom said about sil bigs sister instincts. But she’s going overboard. If your parents don’t mind your bf being over and staying the night, she should respect their wishes. I agree, it sounds like she needs to see someone to talk to. She’s projecting on you and sounds like she’s hurting your guys relationships.

No-Policy-4095

NTA – She’s clearly not healthy and frankly the way you’ve described her reaction to the locked door is unsettling and concerning. You’re right, she needs to see a therapist, but it sounds like she won’t. Hopefully you’ll be able to find a way to move out to a safer environment.

partyinmysocks

NTA. If you think she and your family would be open to it, sit down calmly and explain why you said what you did and you’re concerned she needs help grieving. Not suggesting you apologize for what you said, but that exploding was not the best way to communicate your frustration.

Southern_Hamster_338

You don’t owe her an apology. SHE owes YOU one. How dare she disrespect you in your own home. And the next time she disrespects you OR your boyfriend STAND UP and point at her and say: STOP! You have NO RIGHT to be disrespectful to us. If you don’t like _____(whatever she’s preaching about) then there’s the door and you are welcome to leave. But this is MY Home that I grew up in. My parents don’t treat me this way and You will not treat me this way!

The same if she tries to compare you to her dead sister. Turn it back on her and say her exact words BACK to her. Like if she disparages your clothes & says My sister would never have worn something like that! Then you say Yes! Your sister CLEARLY had better taste in clothes THAN YOU DO! Even if it had nothing to do with whatever she was bitching about. Turn it around back on HER. It’ll drive her nuts. But she’s just saying these horrible random things to you.

And when she makes a comment that you and your boyfriend spend WAY too much time together Say LOUDLY: Quit coming onto my Boyfriend! He’s not interested in you!

And when she’s banging on your bedroom door SHOUT: NO! You CAN’T see my Boyfriend’s penis! YOU PERVERT!!

I mean if she’s allowed to get away with crazy random shit then you should be too. Sometimes you gotta fight Crazy with CRAZY!

WHY is your family allowing her to HARASS you? Because she’s “grieving”?? Yeahhh. NOPE! People who are grieving DON’T have the right to belittle, harass, and disrespect others because they’re sad they lost someone. She needs therapy. And you also need to talk to your family because they need to make her bad behavior STOP. They need to STOP allowing her to behave this way OR she needs to leave.

Fickle-Willow4836

NTA. Don’t apologize your SIL is out of line. I don’t really know if this is about her late sister or your SIL thinking she has a say over what you do. You are an adult and as long as your parents are ok with your boyfriend staying over it’s none of her business. I will say it may be time for you to get your own place since neither your sister or your parents seem to understand or care that your SIL keeps disrespecting your boundaries. Also it is creepy to keep being compared to someone else’s late sister.

dodo_273

NTA

She is abusive, lock your door and stop interating with her at all.

SiameseCats3

NTA. Yeah just because my mum is dead doesn’t mean I get to anoint whomever I would like to be my mother. “But dad’s girlfriend you can’t mow the lawn! My mother was allergic!” You can get a slight pass with grief, but not for this.

diskebbin

NTA. She does need help. She may be one of those people who don’t know what to do with their lives if they’re not looking after people.

sysadrift

You’re an adult. You should explain to SIL clearly and sternly (but don’t be an AH) that she has absolutely no authority over you whatsoever, and that this kind of harassment is creepy and it makes you uncomfortable. Repeat as often as necessary until she gets the point. You’re not going to get her to go to therapy if she doesn’t want it, but you can focus on getting her to leave you alone.

NTA

Conclusion

The explosive confrontation left everyone stunned, but the real shocker? The family’s reaction. Instead of support, the young woman faces pressure to apologize for defending herself against her sister-in-law’s bizarre behavior. Will she stand her ground, or will she be forced to apologize for being called ‘delusional’ and ‘heartless’? The ending will leave you speechless as the fight for sanity and personal space reaches its breaking point, proving that sometimes, the biggest battles are fought within the walls of your own home.