So I (37M) had a kid (23M) when I was 14. His mother and I were 13 when we started dating and had no clue about anything and it resulted in a pregnancy. Despite the odds against it and immense difficulty, we kept our son, remained together and were happily together for over 21 years.
We were married for 9 before my wife passed away from cancer aged only 34. Losing my wife devastated me and my son as I was a young widow and my son despite being 20 and an adult had lost his mom. It hit us really hard and we miss her terribly.
She’s been gone for just over 3 years and I’ve dated but my heart isn’t in it to commit to anything serious. I ended up having a FWB with someone I’ve done some work with and it was in our best interests. Long story short, she recently told me she’s pregnant.
I was shocked at the announcement. Not in a bad way, just more that since I was a really young dad, I thought my days of having another kid were behind me. My deceased wife and I for a long time always wanted another kid and we did try but it didn’t happen, so we accepted we’d only ever have my son.
My FWB told me even before we were involved she didn’t want kids as she wanted to focus on her career. Her stance is still the same now.
She told me that she would get an abortion if I was okay with it, but only if I agreed or that she would happily carry out the pregnancy but that she’d sign away her rights as a mother. With this agreement, I’d be the sole parent and have full custody but she has offered to pay child support so that even though she’s not going to be actively involved, the child will have financial support on her end.
I took a few days to think and decided on option 2. I was ecstatic to learn I was going to be a father again and I realised I want this baby more than anything.
Here’s the AITA part. I broke the news to my immediate family and my close friends and both sides are on conflicting scales of this. My son understands the baby mama’s position completely, as does my father. However, two of my closest friends have branded me an AH as a child is being brought into this world without its mother being around.
They used the argument that I know what it’s like not to have a mom as mine walked out on me and they called me an AH for knowing that pain of abandonment and that I’ll be projecting it onto my child.
I really do not know who’s the AH in this situation and who’s not.
Update: should add, my mom walked out when I was 10 and my father was only 33. He did a tremendous job as a single father.
Update 2: I am overwhelmed by how many people responded to this and I can’t reply to everyone. I’ve noticed a lot of people bringing up about whether she’s being forced to go through with this pregnancy. I want to clarify there is no force involved in this.
I have asked her repeatedly that despite me wanting the baby, If she really is okay to remain pregnant as It’s a lot she’s planning on doing for me. She has clarified repeatedly she is happy to go through with the pregnancy and that remaining pregnant is entirely her own decision.
Conclusion
The dust is starting to settle on a decision that has divided friends and family alike. With a baby on the way, the man has chosen to embrace fatherhood again, a path he thought was long behind him. While some see this as a beautiful second act, a chance to bring new life and love into the world, others are voicing serious concerns. The specter of his own mother’s absence looms large in the minds of his critics, who fear a painful echo of abandonment for his unborn child. Yet, he stands firm, driven by a deep-seated desire to be a father, perhaps to fulfill a dream long held with his late wife. The future remains unwritten, but one thing is certain: this man is ready to face it, for better or for worse, with a new life entering the world under his care. The question that lingers is whether this profound choice will ultimately lead to healing or heartache.
Here’s how people reacted:
You actually want this child. You have raised one child that seems sane. You have more going for you than many. There is nothing AH here for wanting the child when the mother is willing to carry to term. Just be honest with the kid.
Edit: Fix typo
Just be sure you can provide everything this kid needs, I’m a child who’s parent left when I was young, I’d rather have not known them than have the trauma they left me with when they couldn’t handle being a parent years later.
Yeah the kids gonna ask questions about their mother and might get hurt that she doesn’t want to be involved
But, they could also get over it well enough with your support
No one can know,
Also why she doesn’t want to be involved now, who knows, in a couple of years she might change her mind
I am gonna have to say NTA
I don’t see how you are an AH.
Plenty of kids are brought into the world by single parents (usually mom and dad walks away). Just because you happen to be in the opposite situation doesn’t make that much of a difference.
My only advice is to make sure you are financially secure and get together with your FWB and a lawyer to write everything up and terminate her parental rights
> They used the argument that I know what it’s like not to have a mom as mine walked out on me and they called me an AH for knowing that pain of abandonment and that I’ll be projecting it onto my child.
Are they areguing it is better that you be dead than have lived with that pain? Not sure what their argument is here.
They way I see it, someone who is 37 is likely in a better position even as a single parent than you and your former wife were at 13… Just be the best parent you can be in the situation you are in.
… oh, and start practicing MUCH safer sex. It was excusable at 13.
I dont get why your family is trying to guilt you with the mom thing..like should you get this child consent before having it??
Your situation is entirely different…. your a loving father with a son who is already able to take care of himself for the most part. There is nothing wrong with having a baby alone and raising them.
I think it would be a little different if you never had a child but you already know what your in for, you know the sacrifices needed to raise a child.
But I think this is a lot messier of a situation than either of you are thinking of. Pregnancy will change a lot of things for her, she can easily change her mind before the baby comes. Either way, terminating or keeping it. So nothing is really final until all is said and done. And if everything comes off fine as planned; your child will always be hurt by their mother’s rejection. They’ll know she never wanted them. We all suffer hurts and survive them but that one cuts deep.
And while she is willing to have the baby…she has no interest or desire to. She’s doing it for you, because she doesn’t want to offend you by terminating a pregnancy that you created together. She doesn’t want children, never did, and thought you would be very upset if she ended it. She’s doing this out of obligation and it is too much to ask of anyone. You didn’t ask, she offered, but this isn’t her will. She’s being incredibly noble and self sacrificing for your happiness, but you shouldn’t let her. She wanted you to give your support to ending it, and you should.
I know it’s a miraculous change for you, suddenly being thrust back into the role of new father. But you’re grasping for it; your wife is gone and your son is grown. I think You see this child as a way to fill the nest. If you want to have another child, because you are young enough to start a new family, then go and find someone who wants to start a family with you. Don’t let her fall on her sword because of an accident.
NTA bro, NTA.
Kind of feels sexist of your friends, as long as a baby has a loving parent, mother or father, then they should be fine. NTA, but they certainly are.