Now, with his daughter on the brink of marriage and facing financial hardship, she reaches out, asking him to honor a promise he made to all his daughters for their weddings. But the sting of her ultimatum still fresh, and the years of silence between them, he refuses. He feels betrayed, viewing her request not as a plea for reconciliation, but as a transactional demand from someone who has essentially disowned him.
His refusal ignites a firestorm of debate. Is he justified in his stance, holding onto the pain of the past, or is he letting pride and hurt blind him to the potential for healing? The question echoes: AITA?
I am now in an extremely shitty situation. My daughter (Jane) cut all contact with me after my wife made some racist comments about her bf. I agree what she did is disgusting, but Jane told me to choose either between her or my wife. How the hell am I supposed to do that?
TBH, my wife comes from a racist family. I called her out many times, but I think racism is deeply rooted into her now; it is impossible to do anything about it. This happened five years ago. Jane and her bf are getting married soon. She called me yesterday and asked for some money, as she is laid off.
Actually, she told me to honor the promise I made to all my daughters (I helped them financially when they got married). I refused. I told her I made a promise to my daughters, and as she denounced me as her father, I am no longer going to help her out.
AITA?
Edit: There is no way I was going to divorce my wife. We have been together for the last 25 years. As I said, I called her out many times during the past. She is not vocal like she was before, but she still makes comments here and there, which I think is progress because 30 years ago when I met her, her whole family was extremely racist and bigoted.
That time, I was blind by love, so I overlooked that, but other than that, we have no issues in our marriage. I am proud that my children are not racist. No, I didn’t contact her in the last 5 years, neither did she. I was extremely upset by the ultimatum, and she knew her mother’s behavior.
As I said, I made a promise to my children, but don’t think I am her dad; she even called me Mr. Xyz, not dad. Why should I help her if she is not interested in any relationship and thinks of me as a moneybag only?
Edit2: To answer another question, no, I never made any attempt to amend our relationship. I can understand if she doesn’t want her mother around her family. But what I did, even I am a stranger to my own grandchildren, I honestly have no idea what she told them.
Now she celebrates Father’s Day and Mother’s Day with her bf’s family, congratulates them on social media, and makes comments like how happy she is to finally get a real family who loves her. It breaks my heart. If she clearly thinks I am not her father, why come to me for financial help?
Edit3: Well, many racist changes because they wanted to. My wife after that incident never made any racist comment (at least in front of me) and also is persuading me to help her out.
Edit4: She is laid off, and I guess he is still working. She told me that she will split the money like 30% for a small wedding ceremony and the other 70% for savings, an uncertain future, or paying bills, etc.
Conclusion
The story culminates in a heartbreaking revelation. After years of silence and a deep rift caused by his wife’s racist remarks and his daughter’s ultimatum, the father reveals he hasn’t spoken to his daughter in five years. She even refers to him as ‘Mr. Xyz,’ a stark indicator of the emotional distance that has grown between them. This estrangement has extended to his grandchildren, whom he is now a stranger to. He grapples with the irony of his daughter seeking financial aid for a wedding and savings when she has publicly embraced her partner’s family, celebrating them as the ‘real family’ she always wanted, while seemingly cutting ties with her own father.
The father’s pain is palpable as he watches his daughter celebrate Father’s Day and Mother’s Day with her partner’s family, making him feel like a mere ‘moneybag’ rather than a cherished paternal figure. Despite acknowledging his wife’s behavior, which he deems ‘disgusting,’ he remains married to her, citing their 25-year history and his belief that her views have become less vocal over time. He interprets his daughter’s request for money as a sign that she sees him only for his financial support, not for the fatherly role he once held.
Ultimately, the narrative leaves us with a profound sense of loss and unresolved conflict. The father’s decision to withhold financial support, while understandable from his perspective of hurt and rejection, highlights the devastating consequences of deeply ingrained prejudice and the fracturing of familial bonds. The story serves as a stark reminder that sometimes, the greatest wounds are inflicted not by enemies, but by those closest to us, and the path to healing can be long and fraught with difficult choices.
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m glad you denied your daughter. Hopefully this will clear her of ANY AND ALL illusions that she had of you as a decent person, much less a parent. I hope you, your racism, and your racist wife enjoy each other.
Look man, it sucks that your daughter cut you off, but look at it from her perspective. Her own father wouldn’t defend her against racism. That’s extremely fucked up of you. It sucks that you feel like you have to choose between your daughter and your wife, but frankly, you made the wrong choice. You chose racism over compassion for your own flesh and blood. You choose for there to be no consequences for your wife’s racist actions toward your daughter’s relationship. You just shrugged and said, “Well, my wife has shitty beliefs that hurt my daughter, but that’s just the way she is. Sorry Jane, but you’re not as important to me as my wife, so I’m not going to stand up for you.”
And then you doubled down on being the asshole by reneging on a promise you made because of a fucking technicality in the wording? You had a choice to try to show that you still care for your daughter, that you still consider her to **be** your daughter, and you fucked that up, too. This wedding might have been able to rebuild some bridges, and you just burned them to the ground. I hope you’re happy with your decision to disown your daughter, because this was your second chance to mend things, and you’re unlikely to get a third.
Your daughter for asking you for money after cutting you off. It’s a dick move to use someone as a money bank, even though you did promise. It sounds like she literally only contacted you for the wedding and has no plans to start up contact again.
Your wife for being racist. I feel like that’s self explanatory.
But also you. You’re reinforcing your wife’s racist ideas and therefore also being racist yourself. There are plenty of racist, older people that have educated themselves and transformed their lives wonderfully. You gave up on your wife which ends up just perpetuating racism. If you really aren’t racist, you should be trying to help your wife understand why she is in the wrong. I absolutely don’t blame your daughter for cutting you both off because it also sounds like the racism is a repeated thing.
And now you’re choosing to not help take care of your daughter like you promised to, because apparently there are conditions when it comes to your love for her.
You’re fucking up here.
Edited my comment due to OPs edits.
As for the rest of it, she disowned you and cut you out of her life and the lives of her children. Unfortunately for you, you have lost your daughter and unfortunately for her, she doesn’t get to come back when its financially convenient, she missed that gravy boat.
A man who devoted his entire life to hate and discrimination changed.
Numerous members of known hate groups have given up the hate ingrained into them.
Your wife has NO EXCUSE! And you are enabling her abusive behavior towards your daughter. You do not have the right to tell your daughter that she has to endure disrespectful behavior and racism because “she’s your mother” if you wouldn’t tolerate that behavior from a stranger, it’s wrong. Family and loved ones should be held to a higher standard than strangers.
You are inadvertently telling your daughter ” I love your sisters more because they either: put up with abhorrent behavior,” or “they are just as racist and choose their partners accordingly out of the races we approve of ”
Which is just gross.
she didnt want you in her life and now shes coming back for money.
She also forced you to make a HUGE decision that would tear apart your family no matter what you chose.
Your wife sucks for obvious reasons
I dont think you suck for loving someone with flaws(be it big or small)
Your daughter decided that she did not want a relationship with your or with your wife – that is entirely on her. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, then you are under no obligation to provide her with the financial resources you give to your children that choose to remain in a relationship with you.
At this point, she only is contacting you because she wants money, not because of any family connection.
This is Reddit so being married to a racist automatically makes you an asshole, even if your views don’t align with your wife’s views. Btw, having a racist family does not excuse racist views so stop using that as an excuse for your wife.
Note: you did not choose your wife over your daughter – your daughter chose to cut things off so ignore everyone who says the contrary. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
Edit: if your daughter left simply because she didn’t like your wife’s religious beliefs or something, everyone on here would side with you. Because of what is currently going on in the US, the racial stuff is a highly sensitive topic.
He said he was ”blinded by love” when he fell for her despite her racism. That sounds goddamn stupid at first, but how many people do y’all know that overlook toxic/bad traits of some people just cause they’re in love? I would say a lot.
Now, the daughter made a dick move of ”either her or me” Now, I have no idea how many years the couple have been together but divorcing someone over a thing that can be changed is unthinkable for me. I’m not defending racism, I’m just saying that leaving someone for a non-dangerous trait (I mean dangerous like people that are toxic and hit/beat their families) instead of going to therapy or something like this is kinda trashy. Imagine how deep rooted this woman has racism while growing up with it and not taught differently. Is like trying to make a religious person not believe in god. Is extremely difficult. Apparently OP says nothing about abuse or having a bad life before the bf incident, so it doesn’t look like the mother is a bad person, just a racist a\*\*hole.
The girl could’ve just cut connection with her mother and keep a healthy relationship with his father. Sure, she was mad with her mother, but does the father have to pay for it too, or ”pick a side”? he called his wife out on her attitude multiple times, and in an edit he said that she hasn’t made any racist comment since then that he’s aware of, so it’s not like he was racist too.
Also, she came back asking for money 5 years later, literally calling him ”Mr. Xyz” without even saying his name, just to get some free cash? If you stand your ground of not talking to people because they’ve hurt you or that they are not worth having in your life, why would you go back to ask them for money? why not ask the bf’s familly for it? Literally 0 sense. Also, nothing guaranteed of fixing the relationship with his father either, she could’ve taken the money and block them again.
While the father didn’t try to amend the relationship, neither did she. It is a pride war. I’m not going to talk to her because she gave me an ultimatum, and I’m not talking to him because she picked the racist woman he married before me, his daughter.
He didn’t try to amend stuff and didn’t really try to make his wife change over the years they’ve been together. The mother was raised wrongly and never tried to correct herself to be better than what she is. And the daughter gave him an ultimatum and literally asked for money out of nowhere just to probably cut contact again. ESH.
Honestly, I’m not even going to get into the situation with your wife. I don’t know if this is Jane’s mom, if you been married decades, or just a few years, or what. Point is, it’s possible that “just dump your wife” is unrealistic advice (but her racism is something that definitely shouldn’t be tolerated).
Why I voted the way I did is because it seems like you wasted an opportunity to try to mend your relationship with your daughter. Even if it wasn’t “give her money and you’re all cool now”, at least a dialogue was opened, and the first steps could have been taken.
Now, your post is just a paragraph, so there could be a lot of other factors that make this E S H, but I would say, overall, it sounds like you didn’t take an opportunity repair broken relationships.
Let me ask, “What level of violence is great enough for you to protect your daughter from a racist?” You have completely forgiven a person who has separated you from your child and now you want to take a hard line against YOUR child who did nothing wrong.
TBH I don’t understand parents who take the time to raise a child and then thoughtlessly throw them away because of stupid shit like this. If it were I, I’d have dumped my spouse and begged my child on my knees for forgiveness.
You are an asshole and a bad parent.
YTA