For years, a homeowner found themselves relying on a hardworking young neighbor, ‘A’, for everything from keeping the lawn immaculate to ensuring the driveway was clear of snow. ‘A’, a diligent teenager saving for college, proved to be a reliable and valuable asset, even going above and beyond by caring for foster dogs during the owner’s frequent work travels. The bond between the homeowner and ‘A’ grew, extending beyond a simple service agreement to a genuine friendship that included ‘A’s family. It was a mutually beneficial relationship, built on trust and mutual respect, with the homeowner always looking out for ‘A’s future.
The homeowner, impressed by ‘A’s dedication and saving for his college education, secretly set aside an equal amount of money for every payment made. This secret fund, meticulously nurtured over four years, was intended as a grand surprise for ‘A’s high school graduation. With ‘A’ on the cusp of starting college, the homeowner decided it was time to reveal their long-held plan, culminating in a significant financial gift that was meant to alleviate the burden of educational costs. However, what followed was an unexpected backlash from ‘A’s parents, who felt blindsided and, in their eyes, upstaged.
I bought a rural property in 2016. This property has a very large yard and a long driveway. I also travel a fair bit for work. I was looking for a service to handle shoveling my driveway in the winter, and handle mowing my lawn in the spring, summer, and fall (mostly because I’m gone a lot, but also because I just don’t want to deal with it).
I was talking to my neighbor (‘R’) who said his son ‘A’ (14M) was a hard worker and wanted to make some extra cash, as he was saving for college. So A and I came to an agreement. Every weekend he would mow my front and back long and I would pay him $40.
In the winter, whenever it snowed, he would come by and plow my driveway. (Firm $40 a week whether or not it snowed.) He would just drive on over with his tractor and handle it. It worked very well for four years. This kid was a godsend. I foster dogs and if I have to go out of town unexpectedly, he would come over and feed them and play with them and love on them and just have a grand old time.
(And he would be compensated accordingly for the extra work.) All in all, I probably paid him 3-4,000 dollars a year for the work. I made good friends with his folks. I get invited to all the family parties. His older sister had a baby and I went to the shower.
So it is obvious I have a soft spot for this kid. Knowing that he was working so hard to try to afford to go to school, every time I paid him I would also set aside the same amount and I put it into an envelope. I was invited to a socially distant graduation party earlier this month.
He graduated from high school, and he is going away to a state school about 2 hours from us next month. I took that envelope full of cash to the bank and I got a check which totaled out a little more than $12,000. I included this check in the card I got him for graduation and I thanked him very much for helping me all these years and wished him well has he moved on with his life.
He was extremely thankful because his mom has been laid off and they were worried about how they were going to pay for school and they were trying not to let him go into debt. Now, the issue. I was worried that his parents would think of this as charity because his mom had been laid off.
This plan had been years in the making and I hadn’t mentioned it to them because I didn’t want them to count on it if for whatever reason I wasn’t in the financial position to offer it when the time came. R called me extremely upset that I hadn’t told them about the fund prior for two reasons.
1) It overshadowed their gift to him and 2) they had spent so long worrying about how they were going to pay this, and if they had known about what I was doing it would have saved them a lot of stress and problems. AITA?
Conclusion
The dust has settled, and the question remains: was this act of profound generosity a bridge too far? The homeowner, who poured not only money but also genuine care into this young man’s life, now faces an unforeseen conflict with his parents. While the intention was pure – to support ‘A’s educational dreams and acknowledge years of hard work – the execution has inadvertently sown discord. This situation forces us to consider whether transparency always trumps surprise, especially when substantial financial support is involved, and how our efforts to help can sometimes be perceived differently by those we aim to assist.
The narrative takes a sharp turn as ‘A’s father confronts the homeowner, not with gratitude, but with frustration. Two key issues surface: the surprise gift allegedly overshadowed the parents’ own contribution, and the prolonged period of financial anxiety the family endured, which could have been eased had they known about the homeowner’s fund. This revelation throws a wrench into the otherwise smooth trajectory of this relationship, leaving the homeowner bewildered and seeking validation for their actions. Was this a well-intentioned gesture that missed the mark, or were the parents’ concerns valid in the face of such a significant, and previously undisclosed, financial windfall?
Ultimately, this story is a poignant reminder of the complexities that can arise when good deeds intersect with family dynamics and financial pressures. The homeowner’s heartfelt support for ‘A’ was undeniable, yet the impact on his parents’ emotional and financial planning cannot be ignored. As the homeowner navigates this fallout, the true lesson lies in understanding that while generosity comes from the heart, its reception can be influenced by a myriad of unspoken expectations and pre-existing anxieties. The question of who was right and who was wrong becomes less important than the lingering uncertainty: can this relationship recover from a gift that, despite its immense value, brought unintended consequences?
Here’s how people reacted:
This is where it goes from N A H to NTA.
Its still their kid, if for whatever reason you fell on hard times and needed it, you did good by not telling them in case it ever came. Turns out you were right, if you would have told them, they would have depended on it and mentally got attached to the money.
No good deed goes unpunished.
>R called me extremely upset that I hadn’t told them about the fund prior for two reasons. 1) It overshadowed their gift to him and 2) they had spent so long worrying about how they were going to pay this, and if they had known about what I was doing it would have saved them a lot of stress and problems.
R should be grateful af.
I don’t think you’re an AH for helping him, that’s really generous! Maybe a better way would have been to talk to the parents and find a way to help them safe face and still give you some credit for helping him go to school.
Something like in private after the party with everyone on the same page.
You’re obviously not TA because you did such a wonderful thing for that boy and his family. You’re a good person and I wish you all the good things in life.
You’re being a disingenuous in framing this question. Are you an asshole for saving money for him? Of course not.
Should you have told them from the start. Probably, but you have a very good reason for not doing so (being unsure if it would work out).
Should you have told his parents before giving him the cheque? YES. that is a really weird blindside move. The kids is probably 18 now, but you’ve been saving huge amounts of money for their child (who you are not related to) since he was a child. That’s generous but is also a bit borderline invasive.
You had a chance to pop over to their house (next door!) and have a coffee with them and let them know this GREAT NEWS. They could have processed it, figured out how it affects their plans to give him money, how to thank you appropriately.
Not only that, but you could have gotten their blessing first, that coffee.
And sure if there was a weird scenario where they pushed back at the gift, and you wanted to go around them and give it to him anyways? I’d say fuck ya go for it, he’s an adult now.
But you didn’t give them that chance. It was a blindside move.
I mean it’s super rad you did that, but it would be a very WEIRD feeling for his parents to get that news.
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To me that’s an asshole communication strategy for what was otherwise a very generous act.
So why post? You just wanted to tell us about this good deed without sounding cocky lol
Your gift was very thoughtful and generous, for sure. You seem like a kind person. I just think you went about it the wrong way. You may be friendly with the family but you are not related and you’ve only met them a few years ago. Such a large amount of money from a neighbour may be considered inappropriate, especially since you haven’t even thought to mention it to the parents. You could have spoken to them a few days before the event so they were not blindsided. 12K is a lot of money for some people and whether you intended it as charity or not, they will probably feel indebted to you. Don’t expect invitations to their family events any time soon!
For the above and for the way they reacted, I would say either ESH.