She lost her first love tragically, a man taken too soon in a devastating accident. Time marched on, and she eventually found a new connection, a new love with our protagonist. But even as their relationship blossomed, culminating in an engagement and wedding plans, a piece of her heart remained tethered to the past. A constant, visible reminder, worn on her right hand, signifies a vow that seemingly transcends time and circumstance.
Now, as they stand on the precipice of forever, this visible memento has become a focal point of their struggles. He believed it was a temporary symbol of grief, a phase she would outgrow. But with wedding bells on the horizon, the past shows no signs of fading, forcing him to confront a reality where love might not be a simple equation of one plus one, but a complex equation involving a spectral third party.
My fiancée (M) was engaged before me. Her fiancé passed away in a pedestrian car accident 3 and a half years ago. We met a year and a half after he passed on tinder. On our first date she told me what happened and then I noticed an engagement ring on her right hand ring finger.
I didn’t say anything. A couple months in I brought it up and M said that she will wear the ring on her right hand until the day she dies. She said she understood if it was a dealbreaker but that’s how it has to be. I was fine with it thinking it was a temporary coping thing.
When I first went over her house (she owned it with him) I saw pictures of him, the life they lived, etc. it felt weird. Present time. We are engaged and even booked a venue for 2021. She did sell her house about 8 months into our relationship and packed away the photos.
She bought a condo for herself that I moved into when we got engaged. But that ring is still on her right finger. I really figured she just needed more time to heal and that after we got engaged she would take it off. We had a heart to heart last night and I told her this and that it bothered me.
M said that she’s sorry that it bothers me she will not take it off, not now or ever. She says she already told me this when we met and I continued seeing her. Am I in the wrong to think that it was a temporary grieving process? M said that there’s plenty of room in her heart for me but that she lost a part of herself when he passed and that she will keep the ring on.
I can’t help but to think I’m competing with a ghost. That she never would of wanted me if he was still alive. What happens when we die and hypothetically there’s a heaven. She meets back up with this guy and my ghost is shit out of luck. Not trying to be funny and I know it sounds dumb but fuck, why does she have to wear that ring.
Edit- we are in the US. She wears my ring on her left hand the typical engagement way and she wears his on the right. Edit- she went to therapy for 2 years after he passed.
Conclusion
The story culminates in a poignant and unresolved dilemma, leaving our protagonist grappling with the enduring presence of his fiancée’s past love. Despite their engagement and shared dreams for the future, the symbolic ring on her right hand remains a stark reminder of a love that preceded theirs, a love that her fiancée insists will always hold a special place in her heart. She has made it clear that this symbol is not a temporary coping mechanism, but a permanent fixture, a testament to a bond she lost but never forgot.
He confided his deep-seated discomfort, his feeling of competing with a ghost, and his anxieties about their forever after. The response he received was a gentle yet firm reiteration of her stance: she loves him, she has plenty of room in her heart for both, but the ring stays. This has left him in a state of existential questioning, wondering if his love is enough, or if he’ll forever be second best in a love triangle that spans beyond the veil of life itself.
The narrative ends not with a simple solution, but with a profound question about the nature of love, commitment, and healing. Can he accept this unique arrangement, this constant echo of a past love? Or will the weight of this unspoken competition prove too much for their future happiness? The answer, it seems, lies in whether he can truly share her heart, not just with his living fiancée, but with the indelible memory of the man she lost.
Here’s how people reacted:
YTA.
She was pretty clear about her intentions. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think her way of coping is the healthiest in terms of moving on and loving again but she was upfront with you in the beginning. Its not her fault she didn’t change like you hoped and it ended up exactly like she told you.
And I’m very sorry if this sounds harsh but I feel like you need to reckon with it- if he didn’t die she probably *wouldn’t* be with you. They’d be married. She didn’t get dumped, he’s not in jail, he didn’t abandon her- your partner (who loves you) was *robbed* of someone she fully intended on spending the rest of her life with. Her loving you and wanting to marry you doesn’t erase the reality she lived through with this other man and doesn’t un-imagine her impending life with him. She can love you and your life together while still mourning the life she lost with him. It’s not all black and white like you’re trying to make it.
Edit: changed heaving to having, despite how funny it was to read in that sentence
Edit 2: Wow guys, thank you for all of the awards!
If she is doing nothing else to make you feel you are competing (she put all the photos with him away and seems too be moving on from your summary) then you should do your best to be understanding.
edit: missing word
Her ring is a reminder of someone she loved dearly. And yes, she’ll probably always love him. That would not change even if she took the ring off.
(…)
M said that she’s sorry that it bothers me she will not take it off, not now or ever.
> Am I in the wrong to think that it was a temporary grieving process?
Yes, you are. You’re not competing with a ghost, but I can understand you feel that way. Understand that it will never go away and if you want it to work with her you need to support her with that.
A friend of mine brings his husband flowers and ask to hear stories about the deceased ex on the day he died every year, and it makes their relationship stronger. I’m not saying it’s what you should do but know that if you stay jealous of someone who is dead, it’s just a question of time before you lose your fiancé.
YTA.
>She said she understood if it was a dealbreaker but that’s how it has to be. I was fine with it thinking it was a temporary coping thing.
>I really figured she just needed more time to heal and that after we got engaged she would take it off.
You made a ton of assumptions about her coping mechanisms, but it sounds like you never actually listened to what she was saying. You heard the words she said, but when they entered your brain, you twisted the meaning behind what she was saying. She told you that she was going to wear the rings for her entire life, but what you heard was it was a temporary coping mechanism? Why did you decide that she would take it off after you got engaged, when she never told you she intended to do that? Where did that come from? Because that’s what *you* wanted, but not what she did. She was literally telling you that she was always going to wear it, and you didn’t listen to her words. You made a ton of assumptions about her grieving process, and that’s no one else’s fault but your own.
It’s time for you to grow up.
You are not competing against anyone your jealousy will be very damaging for both of you in the future.
Believe people when they tell you things.
You’re right. If he was still alive, she wouldn’t be with you, she would be with him.
If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to end it.
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>I was fine with it thinking it was a temporary coping thing
YTA, I understand how you can *think* that she might not wear it forever, but don’t be surprised if she actually does what she says. Look, you’re not competing against a ghost. *This isn’t about you,* it’s about dealing with her grief, her previous fiance clearly meant a lot to her, all you can do is support her, because, you know, she still loves you.
Lots of things happen to end up where we do. If he had lived you wouldn’t be together. That’s a fact. It’s doesn’t mean you’re second best to her. In the same way if you had been on a different dating app instead of tinder you wouldn’t be together.
Don’t focus on what might’ve been focus in what is. Also wouldn’t you hope that if you died she’d feel the same about you and not just replace you with another guy and forget you existed?
Marriage is “until death do us part” stop focusing on an afterlife that may or may not exist. If it does I’m sure it is paradise enough that this sort of thing is not an issue. Again. If she dies will you never remarry so your ghosts can be together? Focus on a life together not an afterlife.
If you can’t over this end it.
>M said that she will wear the ring on her right hand until the day she dies.
What about that sounded temporary. She was upfront and honest about the ring, what it symbolises and how important it was to her. She told you it was never coming off. So stop trying to get her to stop wearing it.
Even if this person is no longer alive, he was clearly a significant part of your partner’s life. The people we love make us who we are, even if we no longer have those people in our life. You’re not “competing” with a ghost; based on what you’ve said, your partner has put in the work of moving on – going to grief counselling, selling her house, packing away photos. She’s allowed to have a memento of a part of her life that was clearly deeply important to her, and it doesn’t preclude her being able to commit to you.