He declared that the chapter of his life as their primary caregiver was closed, and he was ready to find love again, expecting his children to adapt to his new reality without complaint. This startling declaration, made just a decade ago, set the stage for a decade of emotional turmoil and neglect, as he embarked on a journey to find a happiness that seemed to come at the expense of his own flesh and blood.
What followed was a whirlwind romance, a swift marriage, and the arrival of a new family, all while the echoes of his first wife’s absence lingered, a constant reminder of a past he seemed eager to erase. The children were left to navigate the ruins of their childhood, wondering if their father’s love was a finite resource, and if they would ever be worthy of it.
After our mom died, dad told me and my siblings (17m, 16f and 14m) that he was glad that part of his life was over and he was going to find someone he actually loved and wanted to be with, and we better be ready because he wasn’t slowing down for us. This was 10 years ago.
He met a few women before his wife of 9 years. They were together a few months before they got married, and she was pregnant right away. Dad said he knew she was the one. He was finally in love. That mom was his biggest regret in life. My sister would cry, which annoyed dad.
He’d say we should want him to be happy when he sacrificed his own happiness for us.
He’s a better dad to the kids he has with his wife. He’s there on their birthdays, remembers to buy them gifts, takes them out for ice cream, or for special time with him. He comes home earlier to spend time with them before they go to bed and helps with their homework.
He never did that with us even after he started changing. My sister and brother really wanted him to for the longest time. But I always knew he was a shit parent and that he wasn’t going to change toward us. We always fought. He told me the three of us were born selfish.
That we wanted him to be unhappy for our sakes. I told him he basically dumped his issues onto three grieving kids and didn’t give a fuck about what that did to us. I reminded him that my brother was only 4 years old when we lost mom. Dad’s response was that if I cared so much about them, I should care even more about my younger half siblings.
I told him I didn’t. I have told him that a few times since my first half sibling was born. In truth I never spend any time with the halfs or engage with them. It’s me and my brother and sister and I put my time and love into them.
My siblings have reached out to dad and asked for him to love them and spend time with them, but his focus is on the family he wants, his favorite family as I think of them. I don’t think of them as mine.
Dad’s wife and one of his favorite kids had birthdays a day apart. His gift for one was delayed/late or whatever, and he wasn’t going to pick both up on time (already a day late for one of them) so he asked me to do a favor for him and pick up one gift while he picked up the other.
I said no. He told me I could do a favor for him since he’s my dad yada yada. I said no. The day came and went and I didn’t get it. He freaked out and told me I was going to ruin the birthday. He told me I could have done a favor for him as we’re all family.
I told him I don’t owe him or his wife or his favorite kids any favors. I reminded him that he owed his kids being a good dad, and he wasn’t to the three of us so I’m not going to save his ass or do something that makes his favorite family happy because innocent or not they are not my problem.
He said I was such a child. Then he got my uncle to say how disappointed he was that I acted so petty.
Conclusion
In a dramatic turn of events, a simple request for a favor exposed the deep chasm that had formed between a father and his elder children, revealing a painful truth about divided loyalties and emotional debts.
The father, caught in a bind with birthday gifts, turned to his eldest child, expecting compliance and a demonstration of familial obligation. However, the response was a resounding ‘no,’ a rejection rooted in years of perceived neglect and a refusal to cater to the needs of a “favorite” family that had long overshadowed his original brood.
The ensuing confrontation, fraught with accusations of immaturity and pettiness, culminated in the father enlisting other family members to express their disappointment, a move that only served to solidify the eldest child’s resolve and highlight the irreversible damage done to their relationship. The story concludes not with reconciliation, but with a stark illustration of a family fractured, where past hurts have rendered future favors impossible, leaving each party to grapple with the consequences of a love that was never equally shared.
Here’s how people reacted:
Telling trauma victims/survivors that their father regretted the beloved mother they lost also communicates to children that they are part of his biggest regret and basically that you ruined his life and he wished you’d never existed.
He’s the selfish AH. It’s possibly only a matter of time before this replacement family gets flushed too. At least they got some lovebombing and loving parenting from him rather than the abuse, neglect, gaslighting, and manipulation he seems to have dealt out to you and your siblings.
I’m glad that you’re looking out for your siblings and that you stay/are close.
Your dad wants to f y’all over, abandon you, shame you, then guilt, manipulate, and exploit you.
He’s a bully and when his efforts to get his way don’t work and his projection gets no traction, he recruits his brother to try to guilt, judge, and shame you?! Similar personality types/enabler sounds like.
How dare your dad or your uncle try to pull that snowjob on you or your siblings.
The best way to honor your mom is for you to decide, but I can’t imagine anyone with a heart would fault or blame you or your siblings if you decided to go NC with him.
I’m so sorry, OP.
Was it that y’all were 4, 6, and 7, when you lost your mom but your dad didn’t announce to you he was flushing y’all and happy to move on until 10 years later?
I hope you asked your uncle if he found his brother reprehensible for how he treated his own kids.
It was you, the same as you also can’t choose yo ignore us and then expect us to come running and be at your beck and call when you need something done for your new family.
There was nothing stopping your wife going to pick up said item either.
Remember your the one who chose to get married and start a new family you had this choice, we had no choice and they are YOUR family by choice, but they aren’t our family by choice.
I hope you can cut contact with him asap, and if possible, take your siblings with you.
NTA
Tell your father to fuck off. He had no right to tell his children that he never loved their mother. What a hideous, awful, selfish thing to tell three grieving children. Is what you did petty? Yes and I’m 100% here for it.
He’s made his bed, now he has to lie in. Let him reap what he has sown. Keep your focus on your 2 siblings and make plans & events just for the 3 of you. You are old enough to do that w/out needing your father’s permission or approval.
You are in your complete right to deal with him how you must feel better for you and anyone who differs can eat a ton of sand.
I hope that you and your brothers can heal and be happy by going NC in the future with him. And that you 3 learn to be a happy full family together, trust me when I tell you, you don’t need anyone else and things will get better in the future.
You reap what you sow. I hope when you turn 18, you can leave that house and take your siblings with you and create a loving home environment you all deserve. Do you have maternal family to lean on? Remember everyone that was on his side so you can cut them off. Were you able to receive any therapy to help with your grief? If you haven’t I hope there’s someplace you can go. Do you have a plan when you turn 18?
Do me a favor? I am doing you a favor. I am forgetting you exist.
If you are able to, I suggest getting therapy for your younger siblings. They need to learn to come to grips with the fact this is how it is going to be from now on.
I bet any amount of money he tries to make amends on his death bed. Or, if something happens to his wife, he’ll try to reconcile cause y’all are “family” and his favorite kids need their siblings cause they lost their mom. 😑
I can’t believe he said all that truly heinous unnecessary shit to y’all and then had the nerve to want you to accept his new family. BFFR😑🤬
Your dad sounds real shitty and asshole toward to you kids when he badmouthed your late mom. I’m disgusted by his behavior. You did the right thing by refusing his request to pick up the gift after what he has done to you and your siblings. Screw your uncle who may not know the real story behind that, FFS. Soon, you guys would go NC on him and don’t look back. Be there for your siblings only.