So Many Red Flags!

He decides if you work, he decides if you quit, he decides when you both get up for the day, he decides the morning routine for both of you…. What are YOU deciding?

You’re not his mom, but right now you have two babies in that house.

You need to decide what YOU want, and you both should come to an agreement about how the day goes, and revisit it every month or so to see how it’s working.

There is a lot going on here. If you’re going to quit your job & the child is going to daycare then won’t you have a lot of free time during the day to work out and do whatever you want?

Either way the breakfast thing isn’t the root of the issue here. You guys need to have a major discussion about your schedules, whether or not you should be working, etc.

What is going on in this situation? It was his decision you should work and his decision you should stop? What do you want to do? And why do you both need to wake up earlier when it was fine getting up at 6.30 to get the kid ready. Why does your husband need help getting ready? Impossible to tell who is TA, it just sounds like you are both terrible at time management and scheduling and need to communicate better.

Your husband sounds exhausting. He’s a grown adult. He’s capable of figureing out when HE wants to get up. YOU can figure out when YOU want to get up.

Together, figure out your sons schedule and what makes the most sense. And your husband can flipping make his own breakfast/lunch.

I agree w/ whoever said it – this was a list of all the stuff HE decides. Where are you in all of this?

I’m confused. He normally got up between 6:30 and 7 to get to work on time. This day you both get up at 5:45, you take the baby at 6:30 (his old ‘early’ wake up time) and he has a fit? Did his work hours change too? Either way, the baby needs help in the morning. Grown a$$ man should be able to handle it himself.

NTA

He does not want to get up together he wants YOU to get up, YOU to be fit, YOzu to wait on him. He’s trying to condition you to serve him.

I think what he really wants is for you do do all the housework and childcare, including catering to him, without complaint and with no regard to your own needs. NTA

NTA. A full grown man needs a mommy figure to get him out of bed, make him breakfast, make him lunch, and send him to school. Congratulations, you have two children to take care of.

The biggest red flag is that you are saying that it was his decision for you to work . . . his decision for you to not work . . . and now he’s upset you don’t cater to his every whim. It sounds like he’s conditioning you to 1) depend on him financially and 2) cater to serve him. Sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about your time management, communications and while the expectations seem sudden . . . it may have been building up for a while and now it’s all coming together.

NTA. He sounds lazy and whiney.

NTA.
He has to take RESPONSIBILITY for his own life. What a spoiled brat.
I am sorry but he needs to grow up. You are not to be his mother.

NTA. However your situation is very concerning. He controls what field you work in, he controls when you quit, and he’s unable to pull his weight with childcare or even get his own breakfast? He sounds dangerously controlling. I highly recommend you read the book Why Does He Do It? By Lundy Bancroft and see if it describes him. To be honest, the more you’re able to be financially independent, the better off you’ll be in the long run, given how your husband is.

Get your job back , give someone to take little one to day care because your husband is a ticket ape of red flags. You need to remind him you are his wife not his employee

No part of this situation makes any sense. He used to wake up around the time that you would leave for work so he was getting himself ready, getting your child ready for daycare, and doing the daycare drop off all on his own and clearly was doing fine even if he didn’t really like it. So now that you’re quitting your job why does he need to wake up earlier when he’ll have less to do, since you’ll be there to take care of your child? And why do you also need to wake up earlier when your child is presumably waking up at the same time and you don’t need to get ready for work anymore?

NTA, basically he wants the same treatment as your child. He is a grown man, he can make his own breakfast and lunch. I assume he also knows how an alarm clock works? He should make you breakfast if you have had a broken night.

He wants a mom not a wife, NTA

your problem is that you’re taking care of *two* children, one of whom is a grown-ass adult man

Sounds like tiredness is taking its toll on both of you and you both need to rethink your mornings.

You in danger girl. Start stashing money somewhere that he wont find or know about. You may need it.

NTA

> he said I was getting lazy so I have no idea what this man wants from me 

He wants to make sure you are feeling insecure enough to not notice you would be off better without him. He also is taking quite a bit of control here, asking you to quit your job. (I think you should get more hours again, so you can save the money in case you want/ need to leave him). 

> that he hoped I would help him get ready. 

What, “help him get ready”? Like he’s a toddler? No… he’s an adult and he can make his own food if there’s no prep/ leftovers. As long as he’s huffing don’t ever make breakfast for him, you are not his mum or his maid.  

> It worked for a bit but my husband hated the schedule 

Why? Because he actually had to parent? Because you didn’t make him breakfast? 

> husband keeps saying he wants to get up by 5 but he cant if im not getting up 

And he’s really dodgy about the “can’t get up early if you don’t”… that’s some ridiculous bullshit here. 

He’s not a good partner. He does nothing to support you. Why would you even feel guilty about getting some me time before he heads off to work? 

Questions- do you know what gaslighting is? Do you feel safe in your marriage and with your husband? Is he going to give you full access to the bank accounts since you quit your job? How often does he put you down? Are you happy? Do you get an opinion?

Please think about these things, I hope you have access to a therapist, close friends and family. I have a feeling you’re going to need them. A loving spouse doesn’t treat anyone this way 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You’re not a mind reader

Is your husband the kind who needs ten alarms to wake up but still has to be told to get up by a live person? Does he help with housework or the kiddos when he gets home? If he doesn’t now when you’re still working, there’s no way in hell that he will when you are ‘just home all day! What else do you have to do?’ If you want to keep working and can afford daycare, you should keep working. If you can’t afford daycare or don’t want to work, it should be a mutual decision, not his declaration. If you aren’t working, are you going to be able to get out of the house and meet up with friends a couple times a month, or are you expected to not have any time to yourself. I’m assuming your husband is free to hang out with friends whenever he wants to, but will you have the same opportunity? Your marriage sounds terribly one sided with your husband making the decisions like the King of the House, and you are supposed to obey. Maybe it’s not, and that’s just how it’s reading, but I think you guys need to sit down and have a long overdue discussion.
Oh, and byw, NTA, your grown ass husband should be perfectly capable of getting himself ready in the morning. Is he going to expect you to get up early every morning and cook a full breakfast like a 1940’s trad wife?

NTA. Husband didn’t ask you. How are you supposed to know he wanted your help? Plus, I don’t understand his logic about waking up at 5 AM. Like he can’t get up if you’re asleep? WHAT?? He sounds very controlling

NTA

Don’t really understand what you would make him for breakfast. If you didn’t even know he needed help getting anything ready… It seems like there’s a communication breakdown here.

NTA – he is a grown ass man who should be more on top of getting himself ready earlier. You are not his mother.

Is he a man, or a child? Because he’s certainly behaving like a child. A grown ass family man should be able to get up on his own and get his ass ready for work himself. I won’t even going to go into the red flag control issues I’m seeing here.

Honestly, I’d tell him to grow up and act like the man he claims to be. No way would I put up with this. You’re not his servant, you’re not his care giver, you’re not his mommy. Stand your ground on this otherwise he’s just going to keep pushing that line further and further.

NTA. He is a grown man and can plan his day accordingly. If he needs to be to work at a certain time then he needs to figure out how much time he needs in the morning to make breakfast lunch (or do the night before), shower, get dressed, etc. The choice to help him or not is yours. Taking care of your child should be priority #1. This would bother me, I would lose respect for an adult that can’t get ready for work on their own.

NTA

NTA but it sounds like your husband has some sort of problem that is I his head he knows what the issue is and instead of using his words he is letting it fester. Communication is key but unless your husband wants to share what his true issue or feelings are you have no way of knowing. Your not a mind reader

NTA…he is !!! He is not happy to be helping here. Sounds like a bar (agreement) is set and he changes the bar …all in his favor and is pissed his demands are not met. OP sit down and discuss each needs and divide up , and if he continues to be throw fit you have a second child who will not be satisfied!! Marriage counseling, may help.

Damn I wish you hadn’t quit. He is expecting the same amount of work only he wants it to be servitude to him. Why don’t you be my personal assistant and be financially dependent on me. Do not ever start doing for him what he has done for himself in the past. You will never escape. You went to part time, right? Ok, the extra time off should go to your daughter and general household chores but nothing in the realm of being his personal assistant. I do think you should consider getting another job so you will have more money, options, and autonomy. It’s really messed up that he is making your career and life choices.

Having a hard time following this. What was the problem with him getting up at 6:30-7 — sounds like he was getting the kid to daycare and getting to work on time. Why did you need him to get up earlier? Him deciding you should be working and should quit working is definitely a red flag. And no, you don’t need to “help” him get ready for work – getting ready for work is like taking a shower and getting dressed, what is there to help with? He should be able to take care of himself. You are both adults and capable of deciding independently when to get up in the morning. You both getting up at 5am kinda came out of nowhere and seems unecesssry and unpleasant. ESH I think?

NTA but why are you with this man he lack redeeming qualities
Here what I took from the post:

You are his alarm clock
You are his maid
He tells you when you can do something like work (most households in the world now need two incomes for comfortably)
He doesn’t want any responsibility involving the kid
He wants you to be a trad wife

I don’t believe you are in a health relationship

You are a single mother of two 🫠 your husband is a walking red flag who has way to much control over you and your life and honestly I’m a bit scared for you

INFO. why is it his decision what happens with your career and morning routine?

NTA. Look, as someone who was a SAHM and my now ex husband wanted to be the sole bread winner, it backfired when marriage ended. I couldn’t get a job and having kids made finding hours that worked very hard.

It sounds like he’s dictating your life for his benefit and doesn’t care about your wellbeing at all. This marriage at this rate won’t be sustainable and will get worse.

Don’t give up your job. Keep working. He’s an adult and he can make his own fucking breakfast and lunch.

NTA. Your husband needs to figure out how to get himself up, dressed, fed, and off to work on time. He should actually already know how to do all these things, as he is not only an adult, a married man, but now a father. Way past time to learn basic adult skills. I also think you need to stop allowing him to make life decisions for you: You need to go to work, now you need to stop working, you need to get up at a certain time, you need to help me (because I’m a baby too?). You may benefit from counseling, just to help you figure out how to negotiate within your marriage. Husband does not get to make decisions for you. The two of you should be working in partnership – meaning both of you have equal input, the end goal is to figure out what is best for the family as a whole (not just what works best for whatever your husband wants!), and then figure out how to achieve those goals.

I will share that my father was the sole breadwinner for our family, and my mom was in charge of the household. She did not get up with my dad and “help” him get ready for work because he was a full-grown man, fully capable of doing so himself. She has said that one of the secrets to having a long lasting marriage was that she didn’t get up early with him. Marriage should be a partnership, working together for the benefit of the both of you, and for the family as a whole. It’s not an easy balancing act, but if both parties respect each other and try to find workable compromises, it’s a lot easier. I’m not sure what your husband’s issue is but you need to nip this “help me” stuff in the bud where he’s blaming you because he isn’t living up to his adult responsibilities. Either he figures out how to wake up on time, get dressed, fix breakfast for himself and a lunch, then get to work – or he gets in trouble with his employer. These things are NOT your responsibility nor should you take them on.

does he decide when you shit too?

NTA
I don’t really see what he needs help with beyond you taking care of the child while he gets ready when he got up so early? You took a whole 15 minute shower. Your husband is not late for work if he usually would go between 6:45-7 anyway. None of it makes sense.

I was a SAHP. I did not wake up when my husband did for no reason. I took care of our kid and the house. If the kid wasn’t awake I was catching up on sleep or doing chores. I was not his alarm clock or breakfast maker. I would prep the coffee maker the night before and pack a lunch for him because it was convenient for me to do so while putting away dinner leftovers.

You need to nail down what you will and will not do in your new role instead of him having secret expectations and getting mad.

All of this will become much easier if you realize the husband is just being difficult. If he wants to wake up at 5, he should. He is not a toddler, he does not need you to supervise him.

Look, he gets emotional or jealous or whatever, demand changes, you accommodate. And then again and again and again. This is not about schedule, it is about him.

I wish you could see that you are a whole ass person yourself and it’s a shame that you already tied yourself to someone who doesn’t see you as a person. I even doubt your husband sees you as human.
Much love for you from an internet stranger <3

NTA but enjoy being your husband’s mind reading slave I guess.

NTA. Your relationship…can turn really ugly really soon. Your husband decides if you work? And now when you wake up and what you do when you wake up?

NTA. But I hope you realize he’s intent on you fitting yourself into the “trad wife” mold: get up to make him breakfast, lunch and dinner daily, take care of all child care without his involvement, handle all the household chores, etc. No job, no friends outside of other trad wives. 

Hide a “go” bag for you and the kid. 

I’m so confused. Why are you guys getting up at 5 am? That sounds miserable. 

I literally don’t understand. I thought your husband wants to sleep more? 

Totally NTA. There are a lot of different pieces to this morning puzzle. I think the two of you need to lay out a schedule for who is doing what in the mornings. You can even have schedule A and schedule B – so if you want to sleep in a bit, there is a plan for that. Maybe some solid communication could eliminate most of this.

ESH – All this drama and confusion with one kid involved?

He’s got to start communicating better – and since communication has to be two-way, you need to talk to him- but it sounds like you do; your and his waking times and your work schedules seem to have been re-negotiated between him, you both agree, and then he comes up with something new you should be doing? He wants you both to wake up at 5 AM since he didn’t like you waking earlier and him waking as you left for work. Then that’s no good, not even if you are up in the night with the baby. And suddenly he’s angry because you aren’t helping him get ready for work??? Which, if I get this correctly, you have not needed to do in the past, and he didn’t ask you to do this particular morning? Do you have ESP, that you can know what he wants when he doesn’t tell you?

I don’t know about you, but I’m confused!

NTA for not helping him when it was not part of the routine and he didn’t even ask you to do so.

I don’t know how you could have handled it better. I’d be really cautious about becoming financially dependent on someone who appears to change his mind so frequently over what your role is in the household.

Your husband sucks and wanted you to quit your job so he didn’t have to care for your child, like at all. It’s definitely not going to get better now that you’re working part time.

My husband and I both work full time and he has to leave early in the morning, so daycare drop off is always on me. To make it more even, my husband prepares our lunches every day before leaving and makes our kids’ bottles/milk cups. Responsibilities should always be shared, even if only one parent works. If your husband doesn’t agree, you should get out before it’s too late.

He’s telling you exactly what he wants – he wants you to stay at home so you can do all the housework, childcare, cooking etc. that’s why he’s mad he had to make breakfast and mad that you didn’t wake him up.

He expects you to do all the changing in the relationship to cater to his needs – even if he hasn’t said it out loud – his behaviour shows it.

NTA. He doesn’t want you to work so that you can take care of everything. That’s not fair.

Take turns being “on” with the kid in the morning. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday you get up with her, get her ready, etc. The other person can sleep in, or get up and do a work out, whatever they want. Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday he gets up. Friday flip a coin, or alternate weeks, or get up together.

Even if you are not working, you deserve days that you are not on for childcare before he goes to work.

Stop parenting him. Stop holding his hand. HE gets up when he gets up, he can sleep in or work out or whatever he wants on his days.

NTA

Grown-ass man can get himself up, fed, dressed and out the door at whatever time he chooses.

He’s flying a lot of red flags, so I don’t recommend allowing yourself to be financially dependent on him.

Does he also decide what you wear, where you’re allowed to go and who you are allowed to talk to?

I’m sorry but your husband is a grown ass man. Why does he need his wife to help him make breakfast and lunch? Good grief. He’s an AH.

Also he decided you work and now he decided you don’t? He decides when you get up? He’s controlling you and you’re allowing it. Also why the fuck is he not getting up with your baby too at night? I’d love my husband to even try to pull that shit once. He’d be on the couch or out of the house so fast. NTA

Please do not stay with this man. He’s trying to trap you and tie you down so you’re dependent on him for money.

Nta. I’m just confused as to why you’re married to a cranky child. Wouldn’t being married to a grown up make more sense? 

>AND! When I missed out on working out for almost a week because of mental health, he said I was getting lazy so I have no idea what this man wants from me 🥲

Why are you allowing yourself to be financially dependend on this AH? YTA

He wants you to obey to whatever whim of his. STOP! What does he do for you? He does not see you as a human with individual goals, dreams and desires. Stop trying to appease him. It’s about control for him.

Well this is classic misogyny at play. You really just picked up the script didn’t you? So many unhealthy dynamics here…

I’m confused. If you have decreased hours why does he have to take care of the child before work? Isn’t that why you took part time? Also what do you want to do? You said he decided you work/don’t work?

Hell no he just wants some good morning nookie well he should wake his ass up earlier

ESH. If he doesn’t need to wake up until 6:30 or 7 to get to work, and you don’t need to be at work early anymore, why are you both getting up at 5?

And why does he think he needs help getting ready when he’s “slept in” until an hour \*before\* he would normally get up?

Why is your two year old still regularly not sleeping through the night? Consider asking your daycare to cut down on the daytime naps.

It sounds like you’re both sleep-deprived and irrational.

ESH plain and simple. You sound kind of oblivious, and he sounds like he sucks at communicating. Most likely he’s wanting help with the baby in the morning, and thought you’d be providing that since you’re no longer working as much and he’s still working like he was. There needs to be a discussion to reassess what’s expected from the both of you with the new schedules, for example if the baby is in daycare Most of the day and you’re only working part-time shifts your workout may need to wait until the baby is dropped off, or alternate schedules depending on the day, etc. As it stands now, it sounds like he’s doing everything to care for the baby in the mornings, then still having to get ready himself while you are just taking a free 2 hours for yourself.

YTA .. your a stay at home mom now…there is no need for him to wake up early cause he is still working and needs his sleep