I work out of town and my wife stays home with our two teen kids.
When I’m home I take care of the housework to give my wife a break.
The kids are supposed to help around the house in return for me paying for their phones and stuff. My wife chooses not to enforce that while I’m gone.
Our income is split thusly. We pay all our bills. Including the kids phones. We set aside money for retire, vacations, emergencies, etc. What is left over is split evenly between her and I.
So we each have money for fun stuff separately.
For the last eight months or so she has made very little effort to keep the house clean while I’m gone. But she gets very upset if I just let it stay messy when I’m home.
She says that the kids are too busy with extracurricular activities and their jobs to help and that she gets overwhelmed.
She does not work. But kids are in high school. I bought them a car and I pay for everything except fuel. They are responsible for getting themselves to extracurriculars and whatever else they want to do.
I told her that it wasn’t fair for me to have to clean up four weeks of mess on my two weeks off. That she should be forcing the kids to do their part.
She says it’s too hard.
Two shifts ago I told the kids I was done paying for their phones and car bills. The car was paid for cash so there isn’t a loan or anything. Just insurance, registration, maintenance, that stuff.
I took the money and I pay for a maid to come and clean up the day before I get home. That way I can just maintain it until I leave.
My wife is mad that the kids have to pay their own bills, and that I’m “cheating” by paying someone else to do my chores. I’m not. I’m paying someone to do their’s.
I found out she’s been giving the kids money out of her share to pay their bills. She is now mad that I have money for my hobbies but she does not. I don’t really care. She needs to do her part and clean up and parent.
AITA?
Conclusion
As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that communication and setting boundaries are vital to maintaining harmony within a family. The husband’s efforts to keep the household running smoothly are commendable, but without consistent enforcement of expectations, frustration can build and misunderstandings can fester. The ultimate lesson is that fairness in shared responsibilities requires everyone to be on the same page, working together to create a supportive environment. By addressing the underlying issues and establishing clear agreements, families can find mutual respect and understanding, turning everyday challenges into opportunities for growth and unity. In the end, it’s not just about who does what but about fostering a spirit of teamwork that keeps the family strong through thick and thin.
Here’s how people reacted:
Assuming you gave your kids a heads up that their free ride was coming to an end, giving them an opportunity to step up their game (and they then didn’t!), your solution (to me) is creative and effective.
NTA
Your solution gets you a clean house and keeps them able to control their part of finance and cleaning.
F%\^$ Brilliant!
You should point blank ask her to get a job so you can spend the next eight months moaning about how cleaning is hard and the kids hate chores. Perhaps that will make her understand how useless, unfair and inconsiderate she’s being.
She’s raising two kids that nobody’s gonna wanna marry and she’s gonna be on the hook to deal with them for the rest of her life.
She doesn’t need to drive them anywhere. She literally has ALL DAY to keep the house clean. As a SAHM, that is her job
Chores aren’t about who’s doing more work it’s about getting them done. If she’d rather pay the kids bills than have them actually work for their money that’s on her
You’re able to keep up with the cleaning while when you’re home.
She’s not able to keep up with the cleaning when you aren’t home.
So, she’s not a competent adult?
Your kids are supposed to help out with the cleaning as repayment for your covering the cost of maintaining/running their cars, and phones.
She does not enforce that when you’re not there.
She’s making choices. Choices have consequences.
Your wife is mad at you for teaching your children that actions have consequences
SHE’S not working and not taking the kids to school or extra curriculars…. SHE needs to clean the house.
The kids need to work to cover their expenses or the consequence is they have no phone or use of a car.
You’re doing to much
NTA
It seems like your wife is intent on YOU doing the cleaning as opposed to the house getting clean. Is there a reason for that?
I was a working mom and still managed to clean the entire house and make that night’s dinner before I left for work.
If her role as a SAHM is what you as a couple decided, that’s fine. But part of the responsibilities would be a fair chunk of the household chores.
What does she do all day? Is it possible she has some depression or something going on?
>She does not work. But kids are in high school. I bought them a car and I pay for everything except fuel. They are responsible for getting themselves to extracurriculars and whatever else they want to do.
I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here, OP. This frustration with the cleaners thing is a symptom of the bigger problem if your wife not doing it herself nor encouraging the kids to.
>that she gets overwhelmed.
>She says it’s too hard.
How? Why? She doesn’t have to drive them around, they’re gone for ~8 hours minimum on week days, closer to 9-11 on days with extra curriculars. Even when the kids are home, it’s not like they’re 7 years old and may still need bits of supervision, they’re practically adults at this point.
So her only real responsibility would be keeping the home clean and cooking. And she refuses to clean. And the kids are not holding up their end of the bargain you made with them. Yeah you’re 100% in the right here. NTA.
Sounds like wifey is just lazy and now gets to pay the price
It’s time to open a separate account for you only and pay her an allowance for food & clothes.. This means you would have to take care of paying all bills and not entrusting her with that chore. You should also get a separate retirement account, only for you. If she were to start contributing to the household maintenance, then the allowance could be increased. Why should she have money for “fun stuff” if she’s not pulling her weight? Why are you supporting this slug?
She’s in breach of the contract you two made.
There’s nothing wrong with bringing in a maid. You might also consider bringing in a new wife.
NTA.
Wife needs to get a job
Why do the kods have jobs but she doesn’t?they are teens so no reason why she herself can’t take on a part time job if she doesn’t want to clean up the house.What does she do all day?I wouldn’t put this entirely on the kids.They are teens with jobs who are doing other activitive to boost their college acceptance.
Kids don’t help and free load
Mom free Loads
Dad supports and figured it out
Sounds all good
But taking all this at face value:
* If your wife is a SAHM, and your the only one earning money, then splitting the money left over after bills and savings is fair.
* The exact mix of household chores is subject to debate, but having her responsible for all of it on the weeks you’re gone and a more even split on the weeks your home is quite reasonable.
* Having the kids help with household chores in exchange for money is fair as long as they kids aren’t being *forced* to take the deal.
* Cancelling the deal with your kids if they’re not helping is also fair.
* Paying for a cleaner if you’re struggling to keep your house tidy, assuming you can afford it, is a great idea (and one I think more people should consider).
So this all seems fairly cut and dried. The only real issue is if you and your wife have very different standards about how clean the house should be; it’s arguably not fair to have her pay for half of a cleaner if it’s to bring the house up from her standard of acceptable to your standard. But:
> But she gets very upset if I just let it stay messy when I’m home.
It seems like that’s not the case, so…. NTA. Honestly you seem to have arrived at a pretty fair solution.
(Also, I really suggest relationship counselling. Your description of the situation is very emotionally charged – I think unproductively so – and I get the feeling you and your wife are talking past each other. Sometimes conflicts in relationships can become *about the conflict* with the underlying issue ignored, and I wonder if that’s happened here. Because stripping out the emotion, this feels pretty simple.)
Edit: You seem to be very carefully *not* saying if there’s any issues why your wife is unable or unwilling to clean the house. I assume there’s a reason why you’re asking who’s right in an argument about paying for a cleaner, not an argument about your wife doing more housework, but…if not, maybe that’s somewhere to focus too?
You found a very logical and reasonable solution to a problem the rest of your family has created for you. It’s a prime example of actions (or, in this case, inactions) having consequences.
I’m a mother of 2, my husband and I have both had to work to support our family. We both do chores and our kids did also while growing up. I can’t say everything was always evenly divided but it depended on the day, what was happening, if someone was sick, needed to work overtime, just a variety of factors.
The kids need to learn how to be responsible. Her letting the kids do whatever is setting them up for failure. Her giving them all her money is on her, sounds like she needs to get a job herself to contribute to the household otherwise she needs to get on the kids about doing their own chores and she needs to do the things you normally do when your away. Personally I don’t understand what you are giving her a break from since from your description she isn’t doing anything.
NTA
Info: is there money left for you to go to financial counseling? I think it would be a benefit for your relationship
What exactly does she do?
Also, “Your chores” lol (the mess made while you are gone).
After being dinging a few times for “maid service,” her kids became extremely reliable about doing their chores. If they don’t do their chores by the specified deadline each day, their parents do the chores and make no comments. The consequence is just the fee for maid service.
You have a version of this that involves an actual maid, but I think you did the right thing. Your wife is an AH to refund the money and not teach the kids to help with cleaning their own home.
Because it takes a long time to recover from being the only caregiver all the time, especially if the babies are higher needs.