AITA or more like are we TA We have been working on my daughter’s (15f) Sweet 16 party planning for almost a year. My daughter picked the theme of Nightmare Before Christmas (NBC).
This is a formal/semi-formal event. She has been lax on letting her Aunts, Grandma, and cousins pick out almost everything except the colors and clothing assignment for Sweet 16 court.
She chose basic colors of black, white, and purples for her main colors.
The guests pick a NBC character and use it as inspiration for their formal ware. Birthday Girl – Red Inspo (Jack as Santa)
Her ONLY parameters for her Sweet 16 was that she and her boyfriend be the ONLY ones to wear red because she wanted to be Jack when he turned into Santa Claus. She told all family and friends and made it VERY clear- NO RED.
Now here is the part where I need to know AITA. The party is 6 days away, I ran into my Aunt, and she was very excited to show me a pic of her outfit. The shoes were beautiful but they worried me a little bc they had some red on them.
I brushed it off bc who looks at shoes anyway. Then she showed me a beautiful bright RED dress. I was shocked and it showed bc her smile fell and she looked at my mom and said “it isn’t red it’s burgundy.
You told me I could wear it bc it isn’t red.” My mom agreed it was much darker in person. I was trying to fix my face and not panic. I told myself it would be ok and them that I would talk to my daughter about it.
Skip to a few hours later when I did talk to my daughter and was able to show her the dress picture. My daughter asked if my aunt could please wear a different color dress but my aunt said no bc she ordered that dress for her party.
My daughter told her it was the only rule she had and if she wasn’t willing to follow it she would miss having her there but if she was willing to change colors we would love to have her.
I backed my daughter up but my mom and sisters are upset with me bc “my aunt doesn’t have a lot of money and can’t buy another dress… or she won’t come if she can’t wear that dress.” My daughter very clearly stated to them that she told my aunt and everyone else not to wear red and burgundy is a shade of red, she should have taken that into consideration when she ordered her dress.
She is sorry but she is not changing her mind not about this ONE thing. She gave into all the other things they wanted. 1. AITA for siding with my Daughter when she stuck to the no Red dress code for guests.
Also for not giving in when they tried to guilt us about it.
UPDATE:
1. There are a lot of people saying it is just a birthday party however it is not to my daughter. My mother started the tradition of giving her granddaughters a sweet 16 extravagant party when her first one was born 23 years ago.
She has given upwards of 5-7 so far and it is finally my daughter’s turn. It is a right of passage at this point in our family. My daughter will have the court, the shoes, the dances, the tiara.
Normally they get to plan every single thing with my mom, the aunts, and other female cousins. So no this is not “just a birthday party”. It is a once in a life time memorable moment in her life that she will never be able to replace.
2. My mother, 2 sisters, and 2 nieces are helping us plan the party. When trying to make decisions my daughter just gave In to all their choices instead of making a fuss over things.
She is not big and over the top but this type of party traditionally is. They wanted her to wear two dresses one a big poofy ball gown and the other a slimmer one. She only wanted a slim one but she ended up giving in to make my mom and sister happy.
She did not want any alcohol at the party period but my sister begged and begged until she gave in and said not until after 10 and then they negotiated 9. This incurred an extra cost for security.
We don’t drink often and don’t have alcohol around our kids normally but she felt if she didn’t give in parts of my family wouldn’t come. She also gave in to the explicit songs being played but she made that at certain time frame also.
She gave in to it being formal/semiformal. She let them have free reign over cake flavors, food, decorations, everything except colors. The ONE thing she got to keep was colors.
3.One thing you need to know about my daughter is she is normally very level headed, laid back, and chilled. She is very mature and logical. She is very respectful and does not talk back to adults.
However we have raised her to understand that she deserves respect also.
4.When we talked to my aunt via text message tonight we very much tried to have her wear anything else other than red “burgundy” but she said she would just not come if she couldn’t wear that dress.
We would love for her to be there however I will not compromise my daughter’s boundaries for anyone. I don’t find it unreasonable.
5. My mom normally will loan dresses out to my aunt or help her buy them but this time said no.
Conclusion
As the day of the Sweet 16 approached, the family realized that while not everything went exactly as planned, the most important part was the joy and memories created. Sometimes in family celebrations, compromises are necessary, and understanding each other’s perspectives can turn what might be seen as disagreements into moments of bonding. The girl’s vision for her Nightmare Before Christmas-themed party was ultimately brought to life in a way that reflected her personality and desires, making it a memorable milestone for everyone involved. This story reminds us that while planning can be complex, the love and effort poured in make all the difference in celebrating a young girl’s special day.
Here’s how people reacted:
This is not one of those times.
This is a fairly simple ask. “Please don’t wear red.” If you don’t like it…don’t go. Easy peasy. Yeah, yeah this is just a birthday but it is an important occasion to your daughter. She has an idea and it sounds fun! For your family to be so against something so simple…is a problem to me. Why are they fighting this? I’d focus on the reason why here.
Rules are rules. No kids allowed, no non-kosher food allowed in the house, dress codes at events or restaurants, sober parties, close-toed shoes only…they’re harmless and easy to follow. Anyone that throws a hissy fit at something as simple as this is the asshole.
You and your daughter are NTAs here. She was not rude, she gave a clear ask, and you are right to back her up.
And if your mom okayed the dress without asking you or your daughter? *She* can pay for your aunt to get a new dress since *she’s* the one that got your aunt uninvited.
Tell her to return it and use the money to buy a new one. Also, unless it’s super formal, she must have black, purple, and white clothes at home that are acceptable.
But if your mom and other family members are upset she would miss because she decided to wear red, they can most likely pitch $10 each at her to get a new dress.
All she had to do was not pick red. So many other colors in the world.
If I were you, I would prepare the most ugly extra large poncho (not red) and advertise that anybody not complying with the dress code gets to wear the Poncho Of Shame. Bonus points for/if having a human sized cone of shame as an accessory.
A contractor sized garbage bag could work in a pinch…
Your aunt could have saved herself all that money by buying a dress and shoes WITH NO RED IN THEM, but here we are. She chose to think the rules didn’t apply to her. She could have checked in BEFORE she bought the shoes OR the dress. The fact that your mother was the one she went to instead of you or your daughter for outfit approval makes me think she’s gotten away with this kind of selfishness in the past. Let me guess – golden child?
No red means NO RED. So sorry your aunt will be missing the party, since she said she can’t afford another dress or pair of shoes.
There are plenty of second-hand options available, some of which focus only on high-end designer names. There are options online for both new or second-hand – I can think of 9 off the top of my head. She *could* get another outfit. She just doesn’t *want* to bc being stubborn is more important to her than your daughter’s happiness. She’s bullying your daughter, and your mother is helping her.
Your kids also handling it rather well, that was an Emily Post approved response.
Sure, auntie can’t afford a new dress, and apparently not a single one of the dresses she already has will do. But you know what’s cheap? Fabric dye. Hell, you could even offer to pay for it. She’s got enough time to do it and then re-do it if it’s uneven (several times even! It’s several days away!), and dyeing it black will be pretty straightforward.
If what matters to her is showing up for her niece, she’ll accept.
Of course, we all know that she doesn’t want to show up FOR her niece, she just wants to show her up. If her niece’s opinion was at all important to her, she wouldn’t be in this position.
A grown woman wanting to outshine a teenager at her own Sweet Sixteen is frankly embarrassing, and if she in any way starts getting rude about it I think you should say that. And if your mom actually did OK the dress, she should be SO ashamed of herself and do everything in her power to fix this (like buy Aunt a new dress) AND they both need to make it up to your daughter.
Every single other person understood “no red,” it’s not complicated; this is WILLFUL disregard of your daughter’s ONE rule. And it is absolutely *shameful* of a grown woman to behave like this about a teenager’s party.
Your daughter’s behavior, on the other hand, is very mature; you should be SO proud of the way she is politely and firmly enforcing her boundaries! I imagine that she is both disappointed and hurt by her aunt’s utter lack of respect, but she’s behaving like a well-adjusted, confident adult, and she should be commended for that.
I’m assuming this is similar to a quince or debutant ball kind of thing for your culture. Auntie (and anyone else throwing a strop) should know better, in that case.
Even in the event it isn’t cultural, it’s one simple request that family who actually like your daughter should be happy to follow.
Did Auntie wear ivory to a western wedding, claiming it isn’t white so it doesn’t count, too?
Auntie can wear black or white for the party. Otherwise, so sorry auntie can’t make it.
Happy Birthday to your kiddo!
Edit cause I forgot: NTA(internally screaming)
If you want a compromise – aunt can’t afford another dress so you could offer a dress swap for her (give her one of your dress and you keep the red dress) then sell her red dress to recoup the money
You should be very proud of your awesome daughter standing up to her family trying to stomp on her wishes. It is ONE request people, Jesus! What is wrong with your aunt. And your mom. I don’t know many young women that feel comfortable holding their boundaries, especially not to close family. This story gives me hope.
It’s her party, they can get on board or GTFO. Also good on you for supporting her standing her ground, need more parents like you. Well done.
**Edit to put “your” instead of “her” in regards to Aunt and mom 🙂
But I still think it’s weird as shit to get fussy about the colors someone wears.
I hate needless drama with a passion. It’s healthy for a person to be selfish now and then, and at her party (that’s being treated as a full on event not just some shindig) your daughter has every right to be selfish.
You daughter handled it perfectly by the way. If auntie can’t follow the ONE SIMPLE RULE, then she’ll be missed.
As an aside, I never had a quincenera or a sweet sixteen. And my wedding was not as i wanted due to lack of funds. For someone to have a major milestone celebrated in a way that they envision it, I’m glad you’re supporting your daughter in this.
Don’t back down. It might be uncomfortable, but your daughter needs to know that you will have her back no matter what. If you let them stay to avoid causing a scene, you will be showing your daughter how to let people treat her. Trust me, I know from experience.
Edited to add: I hope your daughter has the happiest birthday ever.
When you have a theme party, the host is the one who dresses and decorates to the theme, one does not require guests to be the theme.
It’s so weird to live in a world where people think it’s normal to give other people rules for attending parties they’ve been invited to.
YTA just because this sounds horrifically self centered and because nightmare before Christmas is practically a cliche for teens who “aren’t like other girls” but who can’t commit to actually being goth, punk or emo in their expression and look.
I’m just glad your daughter is learning this important lesson about what is really important in life. Enforcing dress codes and excluding family members from birthday parties! Way to go! Mother of the year. 🏆
It’s not like she’s dictating the color or outfit that *must* be worn, she’s making a fairly reasonable and realistic request of one color to stay away from for a themed 16th birthday.
But why haven’t you stepped in when they talked her into the dresses and alcohol and the music she didn’t want? They’ve been walking all over her, no wonder why they thought they could do it with this too. Don’t think they will respect her other boundaries much.
ESH
Also? The aunt will be there in her dress. Just exclude her from the picture. Work with your mom to find the compromise whether it’s a different dress or not being in the picture. Don’t teach your daughter that bullies win and don’t tell yourself these lovely people aren’t bullying your 15yo
The fact that you organised a party for a 16 year old over the space of an entire year absolutely sickens me.
Further, if money is an issue, why not return this new dress and wear a dress she has worn to other events like this in the family, or use the money from the return to purchase something else?
If this is to honor and celebrate your daughter, why does no one actually care about any of your daughters opinions? Otherwise it’s a party themed around your daughter turning 16, but it’s not *for her* or to honor *her*.
ESH. Get a grip
So what if aunt wears red. It’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t ruin anything. You need to teach your kid not to overreact and to be flexible in non-serious situations. Disinviting your aunt over the dress is way over the top.
Guests are people you like and want to party with, not extras in a performance to be costumed and stage managed. A dress code is supposed to indicate the formality of the event, so guests can, if they wish, avoid the embarrassment of being over or under-dressed.
That being said, Auntie seems to be being deliberately antagonistic.
Also the explicit music is the ones that cuss.
We are not playing anything such as WAP.