UPDATE – I have spoken with my bf and his mother and apologised to both. The reason she cried was because she thought she had upset me, not because she was manipulative – she is extremely lovely and expressed sadness that I didn’t feel part of the family.
My boyfriend and I had a lengthy discussion and I find it funny the judgements on our relationship, we are a lot stronger than some of you think. But I agree, I was the AH in this circumstance and a lot of your comments changed my perspective and really helped the reality check.
Thank you for all the kind words and understanding ❤️
Okay back story – my partner and I are currently travelling his home country. We’ve been together over a year, and he has travelled a lot and loves it. This is my first long trip, and my first international travel, I am definitely a homebody so I am not enjoying quite as easily but still like seeing the vastly different country.
Context – I have explained multiple times to my bf on this trip that while I appreciate and like meeting his friends and family, the language barrier does make it a little boring for me after a while as I cannot contribute to the conversation and after the first few polite sentences I am essentially ignored and I get socially drained and tired very easily (if I were at home I’d politely excuse myself and walk home but this is not possible here).
Story – so we are out for dinner with his family, and first time for me meeting his brothers recent fiance. His brother speaks english and we make polite chitchat for 10mins or so. The dinner was planned for a time well past my usual dinner time, in fact I’m an early bird so past my bedtime even.
I have already been quite tired all day and tried to recharge my energy by reading by myself most the day. After the initial chitchat in english, they continue on in their language with my partner once and a while translating the sentence but only if I ask what theyre talking about, otherwise I sit there in silence and no one tries to engage me in conversation or even acknowledges me.
I know this is not done to be rude, and I accept that, but it does get a bit boring and hard to distract myself from how increasingly tired I feel. The dinner comes to a close after nearly 2 hours and I can barely keep my eyes open and have nearly fallen asleep.
Then they get up to take a photo and I politely decline mostly because I am tired but also because I have put on weight the past year and am extremely self conscious about it (I’ve taken no full body shots this whole trip because I do not want photo evidence of my body during this time).
My boyfriend and his mother try to convince me to get up and I ask to please have the photo taken without me (I’ve never been interested in having my photo taken anyway). They take the photo and then my boyfriend says “thanks my mum is crying now because of you”.
It’s super awkward and everyone guides her out of the restaurant giving her hugs etc. I’m barely conscious at this point and stumble to the car and have a nap on the way home. Immediately go to bed and have just woken up so haven’t had a chance to speak to anyone.
I understand a photo is not a huge deal and I could have done it to make them happy, but I’ve also never been someone to do something just “to be polite” I’ve always done what I wanted and I did not want my photo taken.
Am I the asshole for my boyfriend’s mother crying cos I didn’t want a photo taken with the family?
Conclusion
As the dust settled, the family found new ground built on open communication and genuine care. The woman’s willingness to address the situation and her honesty about her feelings transformed a potentially sour outcome into a story of unity and understanding. In the end, it’s a reminder that sometimes, all it takes is a little courage to clarify misunderstandings and strengthen bonds, proving that kindness and honesty are the true keys to harmony in any relationship.
Here’s how people reacted:
Yes there is a bit of an overreaction from your boyfriend’s mum and subsequently him but, your attitude throughout this post stinks. Mothers get emotional when their son’s partner come to dinner from overseas only to look bored from entrée to dessert (you almost fell asleep?) I for sure would believe that you’re uninterested/don’t like us, after that.
“I’ve always done what I wanted” and people will react the exact way they want, too.
EDIT: spelling
NTA yikes
Is everyone glossing over the part where they literally only have her there for appearances, and aren’t engaging her at all? They don’t make any effort to know her well enough to hang out when it’s not near her time to sleep and she’s already drained, not making any effort to speak to her and actually get to know her at all. Why would a photo of that memory be significant? It would be a lie, considering his mother seemingly hasn’t made any effort to engage or get to know her at all.
My mother and I are foreign in our country, and she’s married to my English stepdad. We have made sure NEVER to be so rude as to consistently leave him out of conversation just because of the language barrier, he’s our guest so our responsibility to make him comfortable. Why should the OP oblige when they’re not making any effort to make her comfortable?
No is a complete sentence.
You weren’t obligated to take a photo with them, although it’d have been a good idea of you did. His mom definitely overreacted.
Yeah, that’s what’s know as being an AH
It’s just chilling that he is so selfish about what you do and whether you are having a good time, nevermind taking his mom’s side when you were so wiped out.
No, his mother is not manipulative or ridiculous, she was really looking forward to one of the only times the whole family was together and to document it for herself to look back on. I do not appreciate everyone being cruel towards her as she is very lovely.
My bf expressed that there were a couple of times at dinner where they did try to engage me in conversation and I apparently was too tired to acknowledge so I take that very seriously and will change my behaviour and attitude about the whole experience.
Thanks for all of the support and kind words, and even the ruthless ones giving me a reality check.
The situation as far as this post is concerned has been resolved – I was TA and I accept that.
Ultimately you are NTA, in fact NAH.
But… this action will have very negative results if not dealt with and may end your relationship.
You need to sit down with your partner, and then in turn with his family/ mother to explain a little about the reasons. As to them they don’t understand.
While they are not owed anything, at the moment the impression they have of you is not favourable. You reasons for not wanting to be in the photo were justified.
I will also add that I think your partner need to be spoken to so that he recognises that more accommodation needs to be made for yourself so that you can engage and be a part of the experience.
I have been in your position first hand and know how much it’s sucks. I stuck it out for 3 days alone with my moms family in Italy and no one spoke English. But you couldn’t put yourself aside for one night to make your bf happy? Damn.
The times I’ve gone along or said yes because of politeness….. my etiquette teacher said “the end goal is a pleasant social interaction” meaning if someone is impolite or commits a fuax pas the mannered thing is to carry on pleasantly without calling them out and making it awkward/uncomfortable…..whether or not the person was “wrong”, especially since we may not have all the info or understanding. If the mom were to intimately know ur body issues hopefully she’ wouldnt have even asked ot only asked once and would have been more understanding. She may even feel bad if knew considering ur feelings. Your bf though, he knew and his reaction was to try and guilt you?
I cannot even believe all the people saying you’re being rude for not trying harder. It’s fucking nuts. What on gods green earth are you supposed to do? Change your circadian rhythm on request and learn a new language overnight? Look up at everyone grinning with rapt attention at 11 PM as they talk in a language you don’t understand and make 0 effort to include you? Whenever I’ve met friends partners who didn’t speak English, I felt so guilty for not being able to include THEM and it never in a million years would occur to me to be offended because they didn’t find my fascinating and charming *in a language they don’t even speak.*
You didn’t want to be in a picture, so you tried to skip being in a picture. No normal adult would give a shit or push the issue. Unless it’s your kid, grandkid, or spouse the day of your wedding, one adult saying no thanks to being in a picture on one occasion is very weird to be upset enough to strongly push back on. Crying is melodramatic to the point of being obnoxious or unhinged.
Every time I’ve been with a girlfriend/boyfriends family and they asked me to be in a picture I assumed they were being polite and offered to take a bunch instead. They usually would jump on it, then ask me to be in a few more taken hastily by a stranger to be polite. Everyone knows no one is going to want the girlfriend in the picture post-break up. My exs mom used to strategically place partners at the edges of photos to be more easily cropped out later.
This sub is so wildly irrational and attitudes change overnight. I’m a different day you’d prob get 100 NTAs going on and on about consent.
Update – I spoke with my boyfriend and he is very upset and worried about how selfish I have portrayed myself. I explained I can see his perspective but tried to explain my pov and he says he understands but I don’t think he does. I try really hard to explain my introversion and tiredness and being uncomfortable. But he’s always been more worried about how I will appear to his family with the cultural differences rather than how I feel and I think that’s the main issue here.
Yes the line of “I do want I want” is extremely pigheaded and I know this. I have never really given a fuck what people think of me and it vibes with some and not with others.
Everyone’s advice on learning the language and trying to make mor of an effort with the family has been taken very seriously, I understand now after speaking to my bf and reading some comments that I should change my attitude and be grateful that they care enough to want me here.
I will try talk to my boyfriend again when he’s calmer, and sit down with his family and apologise and try reach some kind of understanding.
I think it might be a good idea to let your partner know (if they’re somehow unaware) that you need a little recharge time in this trip.
your boyfriend and his family are having multiple hour long meals at 9pm and conversing mostly in another language that you don’t speak and yet they think *you’re* in the wrong for not wanting a picture taken? (Not that the time is wrong in and of itself, but for someone used to eating dinner much earlier it can throw you off)
There have been loads of times I’ve declined to be in photos for a number of reasons and no one has ever cried because I’ve said no. His mom is either an absurdly sensitive person or is manipulative. Seriously think about it, why was she *crying* because you didn’t want to be in a photo while half asleep? That’s ridiculous!
It is not mandatory to give consent to have one’s picture taken.
Some people hate pictures and their wishes should be respected.
NTA.
MIL and her emotional blackmail can get effed.
NTA
I get they might have been a little disappointed, but crying over this is just pretty nuts.
If you don’t want to get your photo taken you don’t have to
I hate having my photo taken so I completely understand
They are ALL treating you very poorly and your BF’s mom crying over you declining a photo is ridiculous and a major power-trip via guilt-trip move.
I spent some time with a BF in a foreign country and reading your post about feeling ignored brought back some memories for me as my experience was much the same. They tried to engage with me, but the language barrier makes it very hard for everyone. I did find most were excited to try out their English, and I was very excited to try out the bit of their language I knew – but beyond that I was basically a background character in the scene.
My BF did a much better job though than yours did, woah, your BF and his mom are the AHs in this story!
I think other commenters are being incredibly harsh about you declining the photo. Don’t beat yourself up over it. They don’t understand what it’s like to hate having their photo taken. If your boyfriend’s family had an ounce of compassion they would have been more understanding. His mum crying actual tears about it is beyond ridiculous and makes me wonder what your BF has been saying to her. Your BF’s reaction to shame you was wrong – it was his job to keep you informed with the language barrier and be your translator – he failed, epic fail. And he should have explained to his mom that you don’t like your photo taken and he should have had your back. “She’ll sit out the group photo this time, but maybe next time she’ll feel more comfortable.”
NTA NTA NTA
I do NOT understand why people force you to be part of a picture. I DON’T WANT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED. I have my reasons – just fucking stop it.
I’m begging you all, PLEASE STOP IT. Why is it okay to hound someone to take part in something just because you want it to happen? I have my reasons, and I don’t want to share them so please kindly just let me be.
The mother is psychotic. Crying because someone doesn’t want to be in a photo?
That being said, it was just a photo. If OP sees a long term relationship with her boyfriend, might have been good to just smile for a few seconds / minutes and take a picture with his family ?
His family will forever look at the photo and remember OP as the difficult girl their son/ brother brought home, who was being difficult.
Ignored for two hours at a late dinner past your bedtime. Sounds thrilling. And then his mother being dramaticto the point of needing comfort because you didn’twant to be in a photo. /s
Sheesh. Does your boyfriend ever stand up for you?
The family are not entitled to take a picture of you if you don’t want them to. Plus they could’ve made an effort to involve you in the conversation.
If these people had *any* interest in you, they would have had your bf translate. Also, if your bf cared, he would have done so without needing to be asked.
Yeah, you sound a bit dramatic, and you maybe should lighten up some, but this whole trip also sounds like it was pretty far out of your comfort zone, and nobody took that into consideration at all.
I think what I’m getting stuck on is your boyfriend trying to convince you to get up and then shaming you when you refused.
Does your boyfriend know that you’re feeling extremely self-conscious about your body and that you’ve been purposefully avoiding full body shots this entire trip? If so, then he should have been prepared for you to decline this photo opportunity and supported your wishes. Choosing instead to argue with you and throw you under the bus makes him the biggest asshole here.
But, if not, then you should have done a better job communicating with him. Because now it gets entangled with this other meet-the-parents event and it comes off as antisocial and rude, when really it has nothing to do with them. You need to give your bf the opportunity to be on your team.
I separately think that your boyfriend and his family could have done a better job at including you throughout the dinner, but I don’t actually think that matters to my judgment about the photo situation.
However, I’m glad you all made up and there were no hard feelings towards anyone in the end (:
NTA. And I can’t believe these comments made you feel like you were in the wrong. Jesus christ.