The slow crawl into crippling debt is easier to do then some people realize. Corporations restructure and file bankruptcy all the time, there’s no shame in it, just learn from it. You can file bankruptcy just for yourself, and if the majority if not all the debt is in your name, it won’t effect your spouse. I’d suggest coming clean after speaking with a bankruptcy attorney, there’s a way out of this and only you have the pay the price, not your spouse. I did this a couple years ago, my wife’s credit was untouched, and mine is already back up to just under 700. Be honest, be strong, do what the attorney says to protect any assets you do not wish to liquidate, and the next thing you know it’ll be a bad memory. Most importantly, do NOT do it again.

How much debt we talking?

> he struggled with money issues

It sounds like you both struggle with money issues.

I’ve been on the other side of this situation. My husband (we aren’t married but been together for damn near 16yrs) wanted to take over bills even though I am great with budgeting and money. Everything was in his name. Every so often I’d ask about our finances cause things started not making sense or I’d see a bill (he’d hide em) that was past due. It would immediately turn into 0-100 tantrum with him. It was a tactic he’d use to shut me down soon as I asked. I would ask nicely to sit down and come up with a plan if I could just see the bills and what is going on. We never had and he tanked us including my own credit because we had each other on our both our cards. I still haven’t really forgave him. We lost the ability to buy the house we rented for 15yrs that our special needs children grew up in (which was set up for them and their future as adults having a small apartment upstairs) and had to buy a tiny house with neighbors smashed against us, hardly a yard and I’m miserable as fuck. I feel like I lost a person I loved deeply loosing that home. We’re still together and I handle all the bills now, house is in my name…I’m waiting to win the lottery now to escape what he’s done to us. I resent him , lost any attraction or respect for him. I’d walk away if I could.

Coming clean will be a huge weight lifted

And maybe now the two of you can communicate better and work through this together

Or he may never trust you again, but you owe him the truth

Look up free credit counseling in your area. They will sit down with the two of you and go over everything and come up with a budget and plan to get you out of debt.

Absolutely do not hide it anymore, that’s for sure.

I’m gonna need to hear an amount

There’s a whole universe of difference between $10,000 in credit card debt, and $100,000 in credit card debt.

If this was my wife, I’d probably be taken back. Perhaps stressed and worried, but I’d see that you had no bad intentions behind your actions, just poor execution. I love my wife to death, unless she was doing this out of spite we would work it out.

The guilt you’re feeling speaks to the fact that you’re not a horrible person OP. Sure you did something wrong but it wasn’t the worst thing and it’s a relief that you’ve recognized and accepted your own patterns. I’m praying for you, I hope everything works out better than you expected. Be strong

If you’re not going to say the amount there’s really no advice we can give

In a man’s mind, it’s not the worst thing you could’ve done. Just come clean and tell him you have a problem, it’s doubtful he will want a divorce over this.

My wife has been fucking up my finances for years. “Isn’t this set of ceramic penguins cute?” “Yeah..”

Please update us on what happens, I hope it goes as well as it can.

Congrats on having the courage to be humble. Pain is often the admission price for a new beginning.

waiting to hear the amount. I’m here wondering how much debt was racked up in “a couple of years”

Maybe I’m just more chilled than the average person about big issues, and this is a big issue. But it is also can be solved with simple steps, and you have taken the first step: recognising that you have a problem. Ask him to help with solving it, work out a budget and stick to it. He might be angry but divorce is a major over reaction to this. There are much worse things to mess up. This isn’t a breach of trust that I can see. You’ve made mistakes, you’ve been trying to make it work, you haven’t been as successful as you’d like but you are going to be honest and admit your faults. Hopefully he’s half as understanding as I am; you’ll pull through.

He struggled with money issues. Now you’re struggling. Time to work as a team and give each other grace.

I know you didn’t ask, but there is therapy available for people who spend to cope with anxiety and depression. During the pandemic, I used shopping as a coping mechanism, and it was really scary to see how quickly I put myself in a hole. A therapist really helped me understand my actions and has helped me develop new coping mechanisms for times of stress.

Wishing you the best.

As someone who ended up divorced because my ex wife chose to hide everything until disaster struck. If she had been honest with me at some point I would have stayed.

Be honest with him, own that it was too much and you were unable to manage it and work with him to fix it. If he loves you he will understand even if he is mad as hell in the moment.

I would have preferred my ex wife told me before it was too late but she didn’t have the will, strength or honesty in her to tell me which is why I left and not because she made mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes and what’s important is to learn from them, be honest about them to yourself and your spouse, get help to fix them.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and not know what to do, we cannot know everything.

How much debt are you in?

If whatever you did to screw things up wasn’t intentional, and your relationship is solid otherwise, then it shouldn’t drive him to divorce. You should lead with an apology for not being transparent with him, ask for his forgiveness, and then ask for his help in righting the ship. Dont get defensive if his initial response is anger. Give him space to get over the initial shock.

Consider sitting down with an accountant or a CPA and get them to help you create a budget. It’s gonna take a very large behavioural change to fix this but sometimes the debt is fixable. Consider checking out financial audit on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. If you’re truly truly willing to change your life around, maybe apply as well.

He struggled with money, you tried, and you messed up. In my mind, that puts you both even.

Id hope that he sees that and you both work together to move past this.

Curious.. you mentioned he didn’t deserve any of this…if he *does* choose to divorce you, are you going to attempt to hold him responsible for (some of) the debts you’ve accumulated thru your hidden spending, or will you take full responsibility?

You’ve made several serious mistakes but he also made the mistake of choosing to have the blinders on your shared financial health and give it all to you when it could’ve been an opportunity for you both to navigate those challenges constructively together. I hope it all works out.

Maybe instead of just talking about it at home you might want to bring it up with a marriage counsellor present so you could both navigate this together.

My mom did this to my dad then me the second I turned 18 and my dad had his head in the sand until their home was foreclosed on and I found credit cards with my name on them.
I would immediately start trying to repair this situation before coming clean. It’s not fair to give him a problem you created and expect him to fix it all. At least show that you’re remorseful and trying to fix this.
My mom is currently miserable and alone and nobody in our huge family speaks to her because she’s proven to be nothing but a selfish coward.

Look into claiming a HIPAA violation for your medical debt. There was a tiktok circulating in 2020 stating it. My partner tried it with credit karma and it worked, had 4k worth of medical debt whipped off. I don’t know the details but something to research.

A true partner will appreciate being open and honest with them. I think it’s HUGE that you’re sitting down together to review your finances together. You both are MILES ahead of so many couples.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re making steps towards resolving issues. Any forward motion is a step in the right direction.

Do you have ADHD? Poor impulse control with money, struggle with anxiety and depression, continuously struggling with guilt and shame, being overwhelmed, ALL, EVERY SINGLE ONE of those symptoms are all symptoms of people with undiagnosed ADHD.

Go to the ADHD women’s sub on here and see if anything sounds familiar.

Honestly, I think whether I proceeded with divorce would depend on the amount, frankly. A couple of grand? That’s fixable; 100k, not so much.

You’re doing great. It’s probably because you’re channelling two people’s energies. You have his shame too. Take a class. Say we both suck at this. Make sure to have sex too and laugh. Cus we’re all trying and have to start at ground zero.

OP- I have been there friend. Not a great rut to be in. Please get tested for ADHD. This is so common. After medication I have so much more control over my impulses but specifically the buying. ❤️ good luck.

Have you reached out to a debt consolidation firm? If it’s all in your name you can salvage the situation without damaging his credit by flushing yours down the drain for a few years.

Also if you own your home, and you’ve got anything in savings/equity in the home, you could look at a HELOC loan to close the debt out with what’s likely far lower interest and keep your credit raiting intact.

Yeah when the 08-08 crash hit I lost job, house, retirement. I worked at a lower paying job for a year, then was offered a limited term assignment in my old job at much higher paying. I took it with my wife begrudgingly agreeing. I had to move to another city. I flew home for work every two weeks on my credit card.

But after a year the job ended my wife decided to leave (for other reasons too). I was on unemployment for a year then got a new job. Filed for bankruptcy soon after. My choice was to pay off my debts and have no retirement resources. Of file bankruptcy and have retirement resources. I chose bankruptcy.

HELLO CAN WE HAVE AN UPDATE PLEASE? Hope it went ok!

Hopefully, he sees it as a problem that he can help you deal with, rather than a personal attack on himself. Of course, all this depends on how strong your relationship is to begin with, but I’m proud of you for coming clean.

For 17 years and you couldn’t trust him straight away? Money can be earned but this level of distrust idk.

When I read the title I was sure this was going to be a cheating/affair thing. I don’t know what your debt is because you’ve kept that information out of the post, but is it something you can recover from over time? If so then tell your husband and get the stress of it out of the way and figure out a plan together to tackle the mess you’re in.

This was me. I lost my mom to dementia 5 years before actually physically losing her. I dealt with it by going to the local casino or playing online. If I won anything it was only to buy more time not living in reality. I could not distinguish between my money and the 2 business accounts running the jointly owned business. Nearly bankrupted all of them. I had help in the form of Gamblers Anonymous & when I came clean to my husband was the day of my first meeting. Whether it’s shopping or gambling it serves the same purpose. Escape. Make some calls for therapy. Have a plan when you come clean. It helped me. He still doesn’t 100% trust me but we have made huge steps. He went to a regional meeting with me a couple weeks ago and he could see firsthand how so many different types of people drown in this addiction. It was a real eye opener. I haven’t gambled in 3 1/2 years and I finally feel like I have the hope of forgiveness. Good luck to you.

Please update me when you have the conversation. I may be in the minority but I doubt he will file for divorce over it, BUT I certainly can see him never trusting you financially again. It’s not the end of the world, UNLESS your losing the house to foreclosure and there’s no saving it. Then forget anything I just typed.

At the risk of oversimplifying, am I right in understanding that his credit is okay, but your credit is in the shitter? So, your efforts concentrated on ‘fixing’ his situation and in doing so, you stuffed up his?
If so (apologies if this is harsh), but this indicates that you’re both crappy with finances.
I don’t know how much money is involved here, but please don’t catastrophize.
It doesn’t sound like it was deliberate, but a coping strategy to manage your depression, grief and other stressful events.
I urge you to seek proper budget advice and counselling along with therapy. There’s a way through everything lovey..,this too will pass.

Coming clean to a problem is good, but just part of the answer. The final part is that is to deliver is how you plan to fix the problem you caused.

If you really love this guy and really want to not destroy the relationship … (1) admit your mistakes, (2) show him your plan to fix it and (3) follow through and show him you are worth keeping and are not just another selfish taker.

With a sincere plan, he most likely will give you another chance. If you just dump it on him to fix … he will no longer see you as a partner.

Justifiably so … good luck.

Speak to a therapist about the reason why you ended up in such a situation..speak to your husband for help.in how to get out of it. Good luck. Don’t deal eith this on your own. Use your support system..

Just something to bring up but any debt you’ve occured as a married couple falls on both of you unfortunately so his credit score would be affected by this as well

It is a huge betrayal, but he might forgive you.
My husband spent hundreds of dollars each month for years on drugs and I didn’t know until he decided to end his addiction.
It was devastating, and I felt so stupid. I felt like if I had been more involved I would have known and done something. I took over our finances and eventually learned to trust him again.

Please look up the Dave Ramsey 7 Baby Steps to get out of debt. It works AND it will be something positive to discuss and work on together instead of just beating yourself up.

Nah. If he loves you then you two will work it out. “We suffer more in imagination than we do reality” – Stoics

People are flawed. It’s okay to be imperfect.

To be honest if he was great with money himself he would have noticed a lot sooner. If he loves you he will work to find a way forward together to pay off your debt instead of shaming you for it . You’re a team remember

Go to the library and get a copy of Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey. Read it and make a plan. Your spouse is just as responsible as you are. Unless you work together, you will never thrive. My wife and I did this 20 years ago. It was not fun, but we now are debt and worry free and have been for many years.

I’ve never understood people who think they’re entitled to a certain level of lifestyle without the money. Yes it sucks. But face reality or go get educated in a higher-paying field- if you can get a grant or afford tuition! 🫥

Also call a debt consolidation company that specializes in medical debt. And another for regular debt. You may benefit from medication if you shop to self-soothe.

For a man to have absolutely 0 oversight on his family’s financial situation because it “overwhelms him” he better shut his mouth and help when it gets to this point

This would not ruin my marriage at all. We all make mistakes, and you had all the responsibility because he couldn’t handle dealing with the finances. Sounds like you both are not perfect when it comes to handling money, but you at least we’re trying to do it for so long. I honestly am a bit like your husband, my husband handles most of our finances because I have a hard time (which started because we were very poor for a while and it stressed me out to have to decide which bill not to pay that month to the point that I couldn’t make a decision and needed him to take over). Now we are in a slightly better position, still very much need to budget, but I know it is a lot of work and pressure for him to make sure everything is lined up, in the spreadsheet, paid on time and budgeted. We have started discussing the budget more.

You have been with each other for so long, I don’t see how divorce could be a good solution to this if you love each other. If I found out my husband, who has been handling our finances for over 11 years, had a similar problem to yours, I honestly wouldn’t even be mad at all but would have compassion for him for having to deal with the stress and worry and responsibility on his own, trying not to worry me. I would feel bad that I hadn’t been there to help more and would work together with him to make it right. Hopefully your husband will react like this.

>I knew that prior to our relationship he struggled with money issues, and it is a huge trigger for him.

I feel so badly for him. Handing over the reigns because of your own association with it and having belief and trust. Jesus.

Shit I did the same but it was only $3000 I’ve paid all back..

How much debt? Is it possible to consolidate it through a bank loan? Can you get a 2nd job?

Is it possible to sell or return any of the stuff you bought? Even if you file bankruptcy, the court will make you sell anything of value to pay back your creditors. I have been through bankruptcy and almost lost my car but convinced them it is a POS but still need it for work.

You can also get a second job to pay off your debts.

>years

This is what happens when you’re an adult and refuse to deal with adult things. Did you mess up? Yes. Did he mess up by not sharing the load, also yes.

I knew a middle aged couple years ago and the wife had cancer. She also had a big debt from bingo and other things, like over $30k Canadian! She never told her husband and when she died he was left with all the surprise debt! I can only imagine the hurt and anger he felt while also dealing with the heartbreak of losing his wife. You’re doing the right thing by coming clean, even though it’s hard 💜 at least you can tackle it together!

I have a few friends with this spending problem and it’s how they were raised. Moms & Dads spent money like water. Teach your kids about finances and realistic budgets YOUNG.

For the better or worse eh

How much are we talking here?

How much debt you talking about?

We need an update here.

Medical expenses and travel likely account for the bulk of the debt.

How much are you thinking?

im just being honest with you here, be prepared for the worst. as someone who grew up having money issues, if my partner did this to me, i would feel the same amount of betrayal as being cheated on. good luck, at least youre admitting your mistakes, but i would say divorce is a pretty likely outcome.

Come clean. I don’t know your household income and net worth but $75k is manageable. It can be fixed.

What’re you gonna do about it? Are you telling him because you need him to fix it? What are you even doing to fix it? Get a better job or another job but don’t go to him expecting a fix. Go to him with a fix and a promise. This debt is on you. Don’t make him responsible for it that’s disgusting

So you both have money managing issues. Seems pretty hypocritical if he ends the marriage because of yours when he has the same problems.

The fact you burned yourself so he would stay afloat financially with “okay” credit. Let’s hope he doesn’t use this as an excuse to divorce, scumbag move on his part if he doesn’t.

You’re doing the right thing to come clean. He isn’t entirely innocent in this either. I’m not blaming him, but finances should be a joint activity in a marriage. He shouldn’t have allowed you to shoulder the burden alone.

Come clean and own it, but tell him that it’s been a difficult weight to hold and that you really hope that he’s willing to work together as a team and face the problem together going forward.

Look into Dave Ramsey. His podcast, his The Total Money Makeover book, and his Financial Peace class. It’s a very common sense approach to personal finance. It’s a journey you and your husband can take together and have a stronger marriage for doing it.

I’m just confused how this happens? OP, do you both work? Agree that you need to come clean

Get a Money Manager.

It is just money, if you are not in a risk of bankruptcy, come clean , start paying off debt, take a second job

Props for recognizing your flaw albeit possibly fatal. Holding yourself accountable & coming clean is a far better position to be in than the alternative. I was in a similar situation that had me sick to my stomach & the only way out was the truth. I knew they wouldn’t like to hear it, but they deserved to know. I look at it like a fork in the road. One leads to a clean slate & the other is downhill. The power you hold is in the decision to be better. You’re doing what’s right. Let him know exactly what you conveyed in this post, & stay away from victimizing yourself in any way. Give him time to sit with the information & let him know in short, what your plan is to start to remedy the situation.

Good luck to you and your family, OP

You could be worse, at least you don’t just keep spending and ignore the issues while he works harder and harder to get more pay & then you constantly complain about how busy he is & how you have to do more with the kids while he’s having fun at work.

She must be hot and crazy

Budget, review where the purchases are coming from and cut off that expense. I’m sure if you dedicate yourself to tackling that debt and having zero fun for about two years you could probably clear it all. Of course this sucks and makes it feel like you’re not living life but that’s consequences for ya.

😬 Rip the bandaid and clean the wound. It’ll be hard, but it’s good your getting your head out of the sand and are taking the first step towards fixing your mistakes. Good luck! The first couple of weeks will be tough, but I bet you’ll start to feel infinitely better once the shame and stress from holding this secret is out in the open. I’m looking forward to an update in the future. 

6

Made for each other.

Could have been worse.

Whatever happens it’s going to be better for you than the way it is right now. I wish you guys the best.

This is going to be brutal, but you are doing the right thing. Hiding it any longer will only make it worse. You already know you messed up, and you are taking responsibility, which matters.

He is going to be hurt, angry, and probably feel betrayed, but if there is any chance of rebuilding trust, it starts with honesty. Be upfront, own it fully, and have a plan. Show him how you intend to fix it, even if that means financial counseling, budgeting, or letting him take over.

You don’t deserve endless punishment, but you do have to face the consequences. No matter what happens, you are finally being honest, and that’s the first step forward.

Oh boy. And you have kids too?

So you’ve been financially irresponsible…for years.

If I was rich and really loved my wife I’d take back control of the finances but stay with her, as long as she promised to try to change.

But if I was poor and might possibly never recover from this…I wouldn’t want to try to keep the relationship going.

Ah well. Be brave, sometimes you have to rip the band-aid off before things can start to heal.

Try to concentrate on what is best for the kids.

I just had exactly this happen to me but possibly on a much smaller scale. It is extremely difficult to live the way you are. It is insanely easy to let it slip away under the guise of taking care of business and not wanting to stress your spouse. All you can do is be honest and NOT repeat this. Your self awareness is going to be appreciated and while it is a VERY very big deal, I hope you and your husband can have a calm and helpful eye-opening talk and come out stronger for it. Wishing you all my best ❤️

coming clean is the best thing you can do

Remind me! 6 days

As OP states, this is more a trust issue than any dollar amount of debt. The debt can be repaid or bankruptcy declared but trying to restore broken trust is much more difficult and is often irreparable.

Tell him you know that you should’ve asked for help, but you kept trying to get a grip without him knowing because you didn’t want to trigger him. And tell him that this made you realize dat you can’t handle it either, eventhough you tried to hold it together, but you can’t do it alone and you both need help.

Since you are married, your credit is tied together whether you like it or not. His debts are yours and your debts are his. Definitely come clean and work on a plan with a financial person to dig yourself out of the hole.

Updateme

Can someone remind me if there is an update please

It seems like he could not do any better so you’re OK.

Updateme

Hopefully he will be understanding. As much of a headache it is to deal with, with a little time it is almost certain you can recover. Coming clean, and even better having some ideas to stop the hemorrhage and possibly ideas to fix it might help keep heads cool, think about what to cut, how to get more favorable rates, payment plans for medical and other debt.

Had an old coach/mentor tell me ‘if you’re bringing a problem, you better bring a solution (or at least the start of one) otherwise you’re just b*tching.’

5 days is enough to come up with some ideas/paths forward. Doesn’t even have to be a fully mapped plan, just get the basic ideas to build off of. Don’t give in just yet

Well I commend you for confessing already to this
Audience because it can be brutal; but you e confessed this and that is a huge
Step towards restoration for you relationship. It is the proud that would never have enough balls to tell anybody.
So congrats on your step to the next phase. Don’t be afraid because fear is a paralyzing devil period and nobody can do anything when they’re afraid…
Perhaps that’s what this is really all about; God setting you free from
Fear?? Now if you confess and believe He will save you…
So now you’ve confessed,
Ask God to
Forgive you then ask Him to give you a strategy for the issue and then ask Him how to bring it around to your
Husband… get him being angry and divorce out of your head)fear)
And have a solution to give to him regarding your spending out of anxiety and depression… so we always and I am a we too; but if we get to the ROOT of our issue then we can bind it and cast it down to the pit in which it came
From, and then get the Victory from overcoming IT!!
So Feat and Anxiety hold
Hands because they are
Friends
And work
Together…
Depression is a result of fear and anxiety… if you cut the head off
Of
Fear and anxiety then they can’t fuel
Depression… so
No matter
What the Roots are: Pride,
Envy, Strife, Rebellion, Lust, Fear, Wanting, Greed, Deceit etc.
whatever
The Roots is… it will
Produce a tree, and a tree will produce good or bad fruit. We can be set
Free from them if we confess
And turn from our wicked ways and God will come and heal
Our land(body).
So if you can see that Fear is the main problem then the only thing you should be afraid of is getting afraid… turn your guilt and mindset into a
Solution because there is always an answer to any problem period… so before your sit down with your husband sit down with yourself and come up with a solution and sell him
On that before you spill out the problem… soften the blow
Per say… you’ve already done the hardest part here in this post; so it sounds like to me like you have remorse and just know if you
Love him you can always make a
Way. Tell doubt which is also fear to
Get the
He’ll
Out of you and your
Home
And speak the opposite to It and be free!! I’m
Excited for your journey! Then turn it all around and shove it back in fears face!
You are victorious and don’t you think any less
Of yourself… you’re on your way up sister!!
You’ve done the hardest part; pull out your creative side and tell your man how grateful you are for him and how hard he
Works adhore and commend him for being the leader of your household etc… they need that and want to be respected so reiterate those things… Hope this helps! Reach out anytime and keep us posted… thank you!
And become victorious over what we are bound by…
Saying all of that it is Fear that’s the Root and anxiety

Victory over the things that’s had us bound…

You be ok , is part of life my friend hopefully he understands and help u manage

A few years ago, I let my wife take over the finances because she said she wanted to release some burden from me. I know how overwhelming it is so I ultimately kept paying attention. I would make sure bills were paid on time and not forgotten and after about nine months, she came to me telling me she was overwhelmed. she doesn’t know how I was doing it. she’s so bad she think she’s messed everything up. And I told her it was OK. It’s just money and we just decided to kind of separate some of the bills, so she could still take care of some.

Good luck, please update <3

Good luck, please update