are you moving out in attempt to get him to change in to the person that you want him to be? Because that’s not going to work. If he was going to change, was capable of change, wanted to change, he’s had six long years to do it and you leaving isn’t going to lead to any lasting change. He may be able to sustain a change for the short term to lure you back in, but it won’t last and as soon as you come back he will backslide into the same old behaviors.

You need to accept that you and he are just not compatible. If you want to leave, then that’s great- but you need to do it for YOU- so that YOU can move on and have the kind of life, and find the kind of person, that you want. Not in some misguided attempt to manipulate him into acting like the person you want him to be.

Why would this man change when he purposely chose a woman 11 years his junior to be a free nanny, bangmaid and pay his bills.

He’s living in the perfect dynamic where you give and he takes all.

Of course he’s going to shut you down. The bangmaid should never have a voice to question him.

Don’t waste anymore of your good years on this loser.

The fact that you have isolated yourself from your friends and family is so sad. Ask yourself what do you have to show for these 6 years you’ve given him?

Leave but don’t try to stay with him.

Do not tell him where you go and have your important papers with you. Take the dogs and vanish

Its been 6 years. If he doesn’t take you seriously by this point, he never will. Break up with him and move on with your life.

Why would you want to remain in a relationship where he isolates you from your friends and family – i.e. a support group – keeps you walking on eggshells because “he gets sensitive” and starts blow up fights, you do ALL the cleaning, cooking, pet care, as well as looking after HIS kids when “he has them”, AND you work a full time job.

What good does he bring to the relationship? He’s great when you’re completely obedient and submissive? Is that who you are? If not, leave the letter and disappear from his life.

Why don’t you want to break up? Look at what you just wrote. This is not the man for you, he wants someone to live in his house make him dinner fuck him when he wants, take care of his kids. It’s been 6 years. If he wanted to HE WOULD.

You are not the asshole at all. You can leave any situation you want. You are in charge of your own life and that is exactly what you’re doing, taking charge!

You should leave this guy behind, he’s only holding you back from the life you want. Maybe you can’t admit to yourself right now, but I hope you will in the next few weeks.

And congratulations on your new chapter!

Looks to me like he’s earned this, all of it, including the Dear John letter.

But please get therapy too.

There’s a reason a 35 year old man picked a 25 year old girl to move in: he wanted live in childcare, housework, cooking, someone to pay his bills and of course, someone to have sex with. I know that’s a blunt observation, but woman his own age have become wiser and see all the 🚩🚩🚩 proudly on display and they RUN.

Move! Take everything precious (documents, keepsakes and of course your doggo) and leave. Block him on everything.He won’t change with an ultimatum; the only person you can charge is YOU OP.

Just go and never look back. He has no incentive to make any changes therefore he never will.

My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. I started therapy on my own and once I finally convinced him to go to couples therapy he became physically abusive. He worked nights and I worked days. The day after him throwing things at me in anger because of “that stupid therapist siding with” me, I went to work and by the end of the work day I had three guys I worked with who had three trucks ready to help me move out of our house that night while my ex was at work. The company I was working for also had an almost empty storage unit and let me store my furniture and things in it till I could move into one of the company’s employees apartments. A gal I worked with was married to the county DA and he took my divorce case on pro bono. He did everything to assure I got all that was rightfully mine and then some. So I encourage you to do it, move out and don’t even leave him a note. You will be surprised at the people who will step up to help you and you will never regret it. My life post divorce has been very fulfilling and yours will be too. He is using you and is not deserving of all you do for him.

> I do love very hard.

This is just another way of saying you will put up with endless bullshit instead of letting a dead relationship go because you either fear being single or you keep lying to yourself that your partner will change. He goes weeks and months without working? Who has been paying bills and supporting his kids? Is he independently wealthy?

If you can’t talk to your significant other about important things without it ending in a fight or your points being dismissed – you should end the relationship. Those are signs of disrespect likely stemming from immaturity or manipulation. Neither are good signs for the future.

You feeling like moving out secretly is the right move may be your emotional self screaming for you to get out. Listen to what you want – it’s not always logical or verbal.

Just use this as a clean break. It not going to work. You will be wasting what time you have left to find a REAL HUSBAND and father to your future children. I bet this guy has had a vasectomy. He is NEVER going to marry you. Wake up and make that note a GOOD BYE note.

If you don’t actually want to break up, secretly moving out while he’s at work is a really bad idea.

NTA he’ll move in a younger version of you to pay his bills within a month

BREAK UP cmon sis

Make a new letter; get your shit moved, don’t forget the pups, and don’t give indication of where you are going. Oh get a POBox as well and I know they cost a bit nowadays.
End it the relationship. You don’t need this type of stress and bs in your life. Once you have settled somewhere else you will feel a difference and don’t let him con you into going back. Stand firm. You got this!!

Move out, break up. This is who he is. He won’t change because he doesn’t have to. You do everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his kids, work full-time and pay all the bills. Why would he change he has an easy life. I wouldn’t even bother leaving a letter. Block him on everything and go enjoy your life.

This is a breakup. You are his cook, maid, nanny, and bang maid, his only job is to talk you out of leaving until you decide it’s too late to find someone else. If you don’t think you can handle his manipulative promises don’t answer his calls or texts. Get a friend to read them and summarize, then you can dictate your response. Go find a life worth living!

Why not just tell him if you don’t see us getting married/ starting a family,  I’m leaving?

I don’t know anything about your boyfriend and your relationship other than this you have told.

I highly doubt you will remain together if you leave him by talking first or just leaving a note.

It sounds like you are done with this relationship. Maybe you can move all of your things but talk to him rather than leave a note.

I would recommending going with the note if you know after the talk he will just guilt you and make promises he will never keep. If he will break your things or has any violent tendencies then just go.

After six years of zero change why would you want to keep this relationship?

Good luck with your move.

I’m super proud for you that you realised you are worth so much more than this one sided relationship!

You are at different stages of life with different goals, you’re ultimately not compatible or equal in this relationship. Spend time after this to understand the last six years in full and then go out and find someone who matches your energy, shares your goals, and has similar ambitions.

You are doing it secretly because if he knew he might try to stop you and you don’t want that. You are also trying to avoid an argument. You are not the asshole. In your letter or future conversation with him, tell him that you have some life goals you want to accomplish, but your relationship is too comfortable “as-is” and not moving forward. Things have to change. Good luck.

NTA…. unless you actually try to salvage this “relationship“. Like somebody else said, there is a reason a 36 year-old man… Almost 40… Decided to date a 25-year-old who was just really entering true adulthood.

Please understand that what I mean by that is that between 18 when we are legally adult and about 24 or 25, we usually go through a lot of changes. Sometimes it’s our first time away from home, and we’re at school. Sometimes it’s our first time away from home, and we’re working and we’re figuring our stuff out. But you see somewhere around 25 or so is when we start settling into ourselves.

But if we have someone that much older than us taking an interest in us and begin dating us, we often don’t complete becoming the individual we were going to be. Because they’re really is a power dynamic that is unbalanced. Whether we think there is or not.

You realize you are describing somebody who is emotionally insecure. Somebody who has isolated you from friends and family. Somebody who has made it difficult for you to have any experience in like outside of him and his wants and his needs and his likes.

There is a reason you have subjugated what you want to do and who you want to be and where you want to go and when you want to go out all to his needs. Of course he likes it that way. He gets to have his cake and eat it too.

You are his nanny. His bang maid. His housekeeper. Etc. etc. etc. And… You are at his back and call because you have no life outside of him. And then on top of it, you bring in money. So why the hell would you want to marry you. His kids are almost grown. Why the hell would he want to start another family?

Be honest with yourself. This is not a healthy relationship. And you need to just get out and start living your life. You are still young enough to find yourself again. And once you do, to find an appropriate partner. One who actually loves and respects you.

Because this guy doesn’t.

Run, Forest, run. You’re burning daylight on Reddit. Just move and delete him from your life. Block him on everything. Take the dogs and run. You’re running out of time. MOVE NOW!! BLOCK HIM🚫

Why would he marry you when you are doing everything for free? Do NOT go back into a relationship with him. When I read your post, I thought of a song. ” All or Nuthin” from the show ” Oklahoma.” Listen to the song. He wants everything his way. You deserve to be in a relationship. This guy is a user, a lover, and an emotional abuser. You have time to have a real relationship with a man who will love you and appreciate you for all you are. Please consider talking with a counselor or therapist. This will help you be more selective about who you choose to be with in a relationship. It is important to recognize that females tend to choose men like their fathers. Not always, but many do because that is their role model. Think about what you need, want, and expect from a man in your life. Think about what you give in return.

I hope this helps you. No, I do think you are wrong to move out while he is gone. You do not need to go over why you are leaving. Just go, do not look back, and ghost him!

Just ended my relationship, and I swear I have the exact same relationship. My father recent passing was the push I needed to drop him. I was tired of holding him down and realizing if something happens to me, I can’t depend on him and being in your 40s like me, I would rather be alone than take care of grown man still reliving his high school football days. At least Ted Bundy stayed workin. Never again. And your right, actions is all I’m looking at. I’ve literally stopped pay attention to my stbx when he talks cause it’s bs.

I think you need to stop people pleasing and start pleasing yourself. What do you want your life to look and feel like in the next few years? Take this time to reflect upon that and yourself.

And since you feel like you can’t have a conversation about your wants and needs and have to secretely move out in the hopes of he taking you and your relationship seriously, what kind of future do you think you’re creating with this person? Break up girl and do you.

Moving now is just going to get him to resent you and give you all the talks like he’s done in the past and still not change. It sounds like the relationship has come to an end and either you accept the way things are or move on and try to find someone else that’s more compatible with you. If I were you you are right you’re not getting any younger stop wasting your time on somebody that’s not compatible with you that does not have a future with you a relationship is give and take not all take and he has to be sensitive and respectful of your emotional needs which sounds like he is not so again it sounds like you need to find someone more compatible with your emotional needs.

If you go back to him, this secretly moving out will have been for nothing. He will get worse. Yes. It can get worse.

You’re not going to suddenly wake up and realise you want to be a live-in servant to someone, an emotional punching bag, a stepmother, all whole financially providing. You’re going to wake up every single day that you’re away from him and feel relief, feel like your old self.

I wouldn’t bother writing a letter explaining myself because he knows what he’s done, this whole time, he has always known. And any time you’ve resisted? He’s acted out. He won’t ever take you seriously.

Plan as if you are never coming back. Because I don’t believe you will ever want to once you start to really rediscover yourself and how much lighter you feel being away from him.

If you are moving out, do not expect this relationship to move forward. You can’t change someone else. Actions speak, louder than words. I believe he’s been very clear with his actions. And whether you mean to or not, I believe you were being very clear in yours. This is a drastic step to take, it sounds like it might be the right one for you, but do not expect this relationship to move forward if you completely move out without speaking to him. That is an unreasonable expectation. You are blindsiding him. I wish you good luck.

Leaving while he’s gone for the day is the safest move. I don’t blame you for leaving stealthily, as I don’t think your life with him will get any better. Sorry to say!!

You know you need to break up. Shed that codependency. Let go of this person who doesn’t love the real you and doesn’t even want to see or hear her, you!.

Go. And don’t regret or fear. Nta

NTA, but a little delulu. He’s not going to “learn his lesson” and decide to change, and if he does because you moved out, the changes probably aren’t going to stick if you move back in. He’ll get comfortable, and start to slide back to being lazy, neglectful, and emotionally distant.

If you’re moving out, cut contact. Find someone that isn’t going to date someone significantly younger that he can take advantage of.

NTA This is very hard but take it as a lesson- Do not date the potential you see in someone, date the actual person in front of you.

A bit concerned that there have been no updates.

NTA! He had made communication impossible for you. Leave now and try to build a better life for yourself. These types can be very manipulative. Block his calls. Don’t leave a forwarding address. Start over! You are worth more than this.

He’s not changing for the long haul.

Make a clean break. It will surprise you how quickly you take to your new life. It seems as though it will be impossible, and then you wake up on day one with such a sense of freedom and possibility that it is just insane. You’ve trusted your instincts but now you need to follow through. Let him go through this adjustment on his own. Maybe he will step up in his own household, and maybe he won’t. Don’t be peeking through the curtains while it plays out. Spend your free time rebuilding your connections and re-engaging with the person you were and will be.

Don’t feel bad. It’s OK to take your life back.

If he cared about you at all, he would take your concerns seriously and he would get help with anger management, and he would learn how to listen well and have conversations and figure things out. But he hasn’t. He doesn’t care. He’s just intimidating you into staying and keeping things the way he likes them. He doesn’t care how it is for you.I hope that you left quietly. There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nobody home when you talk to him. He doesn’t care.

Rent a storage unit to take your stuff to if your new place isn’t big enough

Get out of there. I think you’ve learned your lesson. Healthy relationships are about give and take. When you expect someone to be a certain way you need to tell them instead of giving your all and hoping they reciprocate. If they don’t do what you need then you need to move on. It’s okay to have expectations but you need to tell your partner and come up with a solution together. If they aren’t willing then you need to leave instead of trying harder.
Do not try to engage with your ex once you have moved out. This is going to rock their world and if you have made this decision you need to stick to it and leave them to pick up the pieces while you do the same.

NTA. Leave. Have the life you want

i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and feel invalidated. but nope, not the AH. my favorite saying, “don’t do wifey duties on a girlfriend salary” and find someone who values your wants and aligns with you because if he wanted to, he would of by now instead of stringing you along and taking advantage of the comfort you provide.

NTA
Beast case is to get everything out while he is absent.
He will not change. When you leave make sure it is final. Go live your own life.

Really? You want to be his bang maid, nanny, and support him financially? Let this mistake end and be done with him. Find a partner who is your equal or better. This guy is just using you.

Girly you shouldn’t even think about staying in this relationship he sounds controlling af and the fact you do everything well barely works just means he’s a lazy peace of shit who brings absolutely nothing to the relationship you could find someone so much better.

You say he has an unconventional job but there is no such thing as a job where you work once in 6 years sounds like you are pretty naive and still have some growing up to do because this relationship isn’t healthy at all

I’m sorry do you not see all the red flags of your relationship ( I use that term loosely) you are his maid, his cook, the nanny … he’s just a parasite!!!

You need to walk all the way away. Why are you cooking and cleaning when he doesn’t work? You’re just a bangmaid to him, and he’ll say whatever it takes to get you to move back in and nothing will change. Leave.for.good.

Update op?? Hopefully you took the advice given here by most people! 

He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a mommy. Age gaps are gross anyway, why can’t he get a woman his own age? Think about it

As someone who is 51 going on 52, I really enjoyed this post!

NTA. Reclaim your self-respect and find someone who wants to be married to you as much as you do him.

Not sure why you’ve let him use your for 6 years but am really glad you are finally leaving.

NTA, you have used for the last six years. Leave him and don’t look back or talk of moving back. He will never change. Go start fresh, with a new place, new outlook on life, join a gym, make plans with your friends. And don’t tell him where you’re living.

>I will be giving live updates

…to your move out/break up?

Just leave. For real.

So you’re moving out because you want him to beg you to come back? Are you secretly moving
out because he’s abusive? So many questions . . .

11 y gap what could go wrong

NTA You need to just end it and not give him an ultimatum. He could have stepped up at anytime during your relationship and he hasn’t. Any promises now won’t be honest, he’ll say whatever needs to be said to get you back. Move out, find someone who lives and cherishes you, not someone who takes advantage of you and coasts through the relationship.

UPDATEME

OP, I would say I don’t think you’re an asshole but I do think this is going about the wrong way. If you feel like you need a place to yourself because you’re not sure where this is going, that’s valid. But if you’re just trying to manipulate the situation, doesn’t seem like it’ll help in the long run.

Ehh… Live updates? During a move? Unrealistic

What happened to the live updates? Did you leave?

Move away with your sister and dogs, then never look back.

Yea, that and “people pleaser” which is just another term for doormat.

I don’t understand a relationship where you love him but need to secretly move out without having an adult conversation with him. Good luck though

You’re moving out but you don’t want to break up. You need to talk to a counselor. You are still acting like a teenager.

ESH.

If your big blow up fights involve any form of aggression, then I understand why you want to move secretly, and Im all for it. Safe Exit Plans are the best way to protect yourself from harm.

If they are big fights with lots of guilting, manipulation, etc like you said, but there is no fear of aggression, YWBTAH for moving out in silence. While you may dislike confrontation, it doesn’t make your response to avoid it, ok.

I do however think that most if not all people who manipulate and guilt you, ESP when it comes to seeing friends and family, is a form of abuse and isolation. Which you said you already isolated. Isolation, is extremely harmful to ur mental health. As humans were meant for connection, and not just with our partners. Without that we really mess up our mental health. I also assume ur not just afraid of a big fight, but ur afraid of him in general?? Ive yet to meet anyone who is just a manipulator without aggressive behaviours.

While you don’t want to break up ( and believe me being there myself I understand), you probably deep down are afraid of a number of things including his reactive aggression so much so that it makes us tell ourselves we don’t want to leave, somehow believing it will lessen the blow out. Which is NEVER true!

You are not happy.
You have attempted communicating multiple times.
You have withdrawn from a social life to protect his feelings.
Its been 6 years, and people like this DO NOT change, especially at this age.
(Some people do, but it takes alot of change, therapy, and genuine want to be a better person because they don’t like who they are, NOT in order to remain in a relationship, it doesn’t last)

If for your own reasons you don’t want to break up, leaving in silence is not going to help your cause.

If you are genuinely afraid of his aggression, and you do write a letter, don’t tell him where you have moved to, he may just show up and that confrontation you were avoiding, is going to happen anyway, and ull be in a position where whatever reasons u left will not even be spoken about, and the blow up will be about you leaving.

Be safe.

Update us.

Updateme

Updateme

Just break up weirdo.

UpdateMe

He must have some penis

Update?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Go get the life you deserve.

If you want to leave him, leave him. But don’t disappear. The unanswered questions he will have could lead to some very bad feelings on his part and could put you in danger. Either leave a very clear letter (and take a picture) or have a friend or two with you to tell him in person. Sneaking out with no word is cowardly.

OP, leave and make a clean break.He isn’t going to change! Leave the letter, Move out, block his number, server any financial and/or legal ties you have to him and be done.

If you want something different for yourself and your life, it will be without him in it. I wish you all the best.

If you’re not going to actually break up with him, this is a shitty tactic and it’s probably going to backfire so that you end up groveling to him to take you back and then you’re in even a worse position.

Girl, break up and be free to love someone who loves you as you are!

Conventional job? Sooooo…he is unemployed??

Nah, too much time has passed, and he’s showed you who he is. He wants the benefits of having a wife without the ring and the paperwork. Also, he’s very controlling, which sounds like he’s afraid that if you go out without him, someone is gonna talk you out of the relationship and you’ll be gone. By all means, move, but don’t do it expecting him to change. He might make pretty promises, but odds are that they will either never happen or only happen for short periods of time. You need to move on with your life if you can not live your life by his rules.

He is never going to change. He likes everything just as it is.

Move out for real.

Go find your own best life. He is really not that into you. You might love hard and give your all — but he does not. Go find someone to match that same relationship energy.

S trttttttttrrzxsa

This might work to get him to love bomb you. Change? I doubt it.

Well, if you don’t want to break up, why are you moving out? I’m confused.

You let yourself be isolated. He can go for weeks or months without working? Does he pay the bills? What does he do?

If you aren’t living the way you want to live, then you have to change. He’s 42. He’s not going to change.

There’s a certain amount of closure those kids are going to need for this situation. I don’t know the best course of action in that regard but it’s important they don’t feel discarded or responsible for you moving. That said don’t be guilted into going back to the way things have been. Best of luck to you

I’m more worried about how the teenagers are going to feel about this. You’ve been part of their lives for a long time. Do you have a plan for how to tell them, and what sort of connection you’ll try to maintain with them.

This is stupid and petty you can do this maturely and just tell him you’re leaving.

Yta for not using your words – You’re not only walking out on him; the kids are there too, and the sudden leaving can fuel abandonment aspects.

Have you two tried couple’s counseling or coaching? Have you tried individual counseling or coaching to resolve your People-pleasing, communication, and boundary-setting?

Live updates! Oh no! The only person to care less is probably your bf