I (29F) am in the midst of a falling out with a former best friend (and also basically sister-in-law), Sophie (25F), and I’m struggling with how things ended and how to move forward as our partners are brothers.
In August, I switched careers to become a skin therapist, and Sophie’s younger sister, Emma (20F), agreed to be a model for me. On the day of her appointment, she completely ghosted me.
I was confused and a little hurt, so I brought it up to Sophie—not in an accusatory way, just looking for reassurance that it wasn’t personal (I am very sensitive and was feeling rejected).
Instead of just saying something like, “Oh, I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it,” Sophie immediately got defensive, saying I was trying to speak poorly about her sister. She completely shut me down and wouldn’t let me clarify.
Then she told me she couldn’t move past this because I’d apparently been “disrespectful” several times before—but she wouldn’t explain what those times were. She said she needed space, so I respected that.
After a week of silence, I reached out, saying I was really hurt by how she’d handled this and that if she was upset with me about something in the past, I wished she had addressed it at the time.
We went back and forth, but she kept twisting my words or making the issue about something else. I tried to call her, but she refused, saying she’d only talk when I was “calm and reasonable”—which was frustrating because I *was* calm.
After more silence, she finally agreed to a call. That’s when she brought up two past “issues” she had with me, and I was completely shocked by what she had been holding onto.
The first issue was about a miscommunication during trip planning. My partner and I planned a visit to Australia, where she and her partner (my partner’s brother) were traveling. We arranged most of the itinerary as they were busy traveling but double-checked dates and costs with them and even sent over a calendar before booking.
Later, she said they might not be able to spend one of the weekends with us due to a mix-up. I was frustrated because we had already booked an Airbnb and bought them festival tickets as a Christmas gift for that weekend.
I admit I sent one blunt text, saying “it couldn’t be more clear” in response to her saying the plans were unclear, but I apologized immediately after. This was well over a year ago, and I thought we had moved on.
The second issue really hurt, a situation that happened on a previous Fathers Day. It was my first Father’s Day after my dad passed, and I was struggling. Our plan was to spend the day at the cricket with our partners’ dad, and she also invited her friend Stacy, who had also recently lost her dad.
While Sophie and I were in the car together, her mom called, upset that she wasn’t home for Father’s Day. Sophie told her, *“I want to support Stacy today since it’s her first Father’s Day without her dad.”* I was sitting right there.
After she hung up, I quietly said, *“It’s my first Father’s Day too.”* She brushed it off, and we moved on.
Later, I told her the comment really stung. I wasn’t blaming her, just being honest about how I felt. She apologized, and I thought that was the end of it. But now, over a year later, she’s saying I “snapped” at her that day and made her “question her character.”
This part really frustrates me—because if she felt guilty about her comment, *that’s for her to reflect on.* If my hurt feelings made her feel like a bad friend, isn’t that something she should sit with rather than blaming me for bringing it up?
We eventually met in person to talk in January, but it didn’t change anything. I clearly laid out my feelings, the timeline of events, and my questions about why she was still holding these things against me—but we didn’t get anywhere.
We were at a standstill. She suggested taking time to think and maybe talking again later, but I haven’t heard from her since.
Meanwhile, she has told her version of the story to mutual friends and family, and I feel like I’ve lost a big part of my support system. I also feel like she’s trying to make herself the victim because she doesn’t want to take accountability.
I understand her experience of the situation will be different from mine, and I want to honor that, but even just looking at the facts and timeline, it just doesn’t make sense.
Recently, we have been planning our engagement party, and I made the decision *not* to extend an invite to her. I am too hurt, and I don’t want to be upset seeing her on a day that is meant to be about celebration.
I sense that people feel I should “keep the peace” but I feel so upset by the situation I still have a physical response to it, I get shaky, red, and feel like I am going to be sick.
AITA for not inviting her?
Conclusion
In the end, this story is a reminder that even the strongest friendships can face unexpected storms. What begins as a professional opportunity can sometimes turn into a personal struggle, especially when intertwined with family ties. As she reflects on how things ended, she’s left to ponder whether forgiveness and reconciliation are possible or if she must learn to move forward alone. One thing is certain — life’s surprises often teach us about our resilience, our boundaries, and the true meaning of friendship.
Here’s how people reacted:
She is also your future sister-in-law, so you will have to be around her. Knowing that, you’ll have to prepare yourself to be polite, cordial, and leave it at that. Grown-ups have to be around people they dislike quite often, but it doesn’t mean we have to be their friends.
If you try to take a stand and not invite her, regardless of how good your reason is, it’s going to reflect poorly on you. Treat her like a distant relative and focus on living your best life.
The only question in my mind about your situation is whether *not* inviting her will cause you more issues on the day than letting her tag along with her partner, who presumably *will* be invited.
Unless you can schedule the party for a day when he, she, or they have immovable plans, questions will be asked, and drama will be caused. My advice would be to invite your fiancee’s brother, don’t mention his partner either way, and if she shows up, be civil but aloof and keep your *actual friends* close to hand to distract you from her presence.
NTA
Eta – be prepared for her to announce her engagement or pregnancy on your big night too.
She is a bad friend. Especially with not even acknowledging it was your first father’s day without your dad and now twisting that into being your fault.
The miscommunication one was also her fault for not checking everything you sent her and not communicating a conflict. Your comment was… probably snide… but you -apologised- immediately for it.
That after asking her several times what incidents she had issue with still when she was so ready to tell you there were issues in the past with your behaviour… sounds like she said something to drag you down and gloss over her own failings at friendship.. and then had to scramble to come up with reasons.
1. Friendship. She is not your friend. You two don’t sound like you’re compatible as friends. Stop doing things with her that you would do with a friend. Stop expecting her to treat you like a friend.
2. Sister-in-law. This is one you have to think carefully about. This is a lifelong relationship. Having friction in the family is not good for you your husband or your in-laws. But you also have the power to both be part of the same family and live at arm’s length.
However you do need to do some damage control and expectation setting. And your husband should be involved in this with his brother.
– Make sure that your future mother-in-law and father-in-law know your side of the story.
– get your husband to talk to his brother about your side of the story and say clearly that that’s all in the past and we simply want to move forward not as friends but as family.
In other words you want to clear the air and stop letting the past hurt you.
Next you need a clear strategy for the future. You will have family holidays together. You will both have kids who interact with each other. You must have really clear boundaries in place for what happens in these situations. And then you have to hold to them. Firm, polite and distant is the only way.
Disagreement between you two can so easily poison the brother’s relationship and tear this family apart. If that’s not what you want then figure out how to stop it from happening.
You have a right to celebrate with people who you love and who love you.
Since she’s been doing a good job of telling everyone you guys had a falling out, people won’t be surprised to not see her there.
From the sounds of it, you’ve been the one trying and reaching out. Stop. Move on. And if she wants a friendship let her work too. Don’t let her ruin anything else.
BUT
She is your fiancés brother’s partner.
So if you don’t invite her your BIL may feel he also can’t attend. Then it causes problems between the brothers that will definitely leak into the other family members.
Then she won’t invite you and it just rolls along.
You invite her but put her with the family members that are less important. She doesn’t get to be front and centre.
Again at your wedding.
Be polite if you come face to face. Don’t react negatively to anything she says. Also don’t text her about anything either.
What does your partner say?
NTA
Stop trying to force a friendship with someone who has shown they are a junk friend
If you don’t like her telling people, maybe stop snapping and saying snarky things in texts. Everything here is a consequence of your own behavior.
Sophie is your fiancé’s SIL. Your BIL and his plus one should be invited, out of respect for your fiancé. If you want to double down and make a big, public stink about your lost relationship and your boorish behavior, exclude her. Or, you could put on your big girl pants, own your behaviors, and resolve to do better. Maybe, given enough time and space, you and Sophie can enjoy each other’s kindness and civility, if not a close relationship.
Maybe make yourself a bracelet with the words *Be* *gentle* prominently displayed. It would be a gift to your fiancé and everyone else who will cross your path.
Perhaps your friend was closer to her friend Stacey and she was more concerned about her on Father’s Day. As someone who has also lost a parent, and I say this gently, you can’t demand equal attention on that. My SIL didn’t acknowledge me on the first Mother’s Day without my mom, but my friends did and it just is what it is.
Overall, it seems like the two of you just aren’t a good fit as friends. Just because she dates your partner’s brother doesn’t mean you need to be besties. I think you should still invite her if she’s been with partners brother for a significant time. That seems a bit petty not to. You can still avoid her and keep her at arms length. But keep in mind whatever you decide *will* impact your partner and his relationship with his brother/family. If it causes a rift in the family, people may be forced to choose sides/what events to attend and you might not like the choices they make.
Time to cut that “friendship” off completely a d just treat her like what she is, SIL that you can’t stand to be around just like the rest of us that have that type of relationship.
Block her on your phone
I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust this Shady Sophie!!
This might put a wedge with the brothers and you fbil might not show without her. This need to be talked with beforehand and maybe with the brother.
She might be doing these things to put her above you in the family also as she might be threatened
If you think that eventually you can get past through this, you could rethink it and maybe don’t invite her directly and more like a +1 of your partner’s brother… either way, good luck and let us know what you’ve decided.
However, she’s your partner’s brother’s partner excluding her will undoubtedly create such a fuss that it will cause you more stress.
I’m not usually an advocate of doing things you don’t want to “keep the peace” but I think benefit of not inviting her will be disproportionate to the storm that will happen if you don’t. You will have to be around each other again at other events. If you do exclude her make sure that you and your partner are happy with his brother and potentially the rest of his family being angry at you.
If you like you could just invite him and a plus one and don’t name her on the invite.
You had an agreement with her sister to model, her sister no showed. Your appointment was with the sister. You can email, call, text the sister saying, “we had a modelling appointment at X and you didn’t show. Is everything ok? It’s very important if you can’t make it you cancel with notice.” If you don’t get a response, make a professional note not to collaborate with her again until she’s become more reliable.
What’s completely inappropriate is pulling Sophie aside and asking Sophie to give an explanation for her sister’s behaviour, and imply the sister has some sort of personal grudge towards you. I’m going to assume you don’t have siblings, because of course Sophie is going to defend her sister. It’s for you to manage your anxiety and realise when you’re turning something normal, like a client forgetting an appointment, into something unrelated and personal.
People changing plans seems to be a trigger for you. Sophie and her boyfriend double-booked themselves and when they realised they let you know with advanced notice. It’s a minor inconvenience to resell tickets, but you had plenty of notice and there was no need to get involved as your fiancé knows how to communicate with his family.
Stacy is Sophie’s friend. You are Sophie’s sister-in-law. You two wouldn’t speak or hang out if your boyfriends weren’t brothers. Sophie was on the phone to her Mum, explaining her priority was supporting her friend. After the phonecall you point out your loss, making it awkward for everyone. Is Sophie supposed to say out loud, “Stacy is my good friend, we aren’t close friends?” Also, you are there to get support from your boyfriend. You’re his priority. That’s not Sophie’s role in your life. Or vice versa.
Sophie’ response to your chat, “let’s just take time to think”. Because you two are going to be sister-in-law’s, she doesn’t want to say, “we don’t have to be friends, let’s just be civil SIL’s”.
If you don’t invite invite your SIL to your engagement party, you will be showing everyone that you are emotionally immature, and you should expect your in-laws attitude to become very different and openly negative towards you. Sophie isn’t your friend. Treat her like that cousin you make small talk with at family events and then never speak to outside of family events. Sorry but YTA
I would love a family member or friend to act smart with me so I could totally own them, but instead no one even gives me a hint of disrespect.
Instead it happens to people like OP, who somehow think they’re wrong for cutting off toxic people lol.