She is shy in a way that I don’t understand. She has no problem going to places where there are new people. She doesn’t drink alcohol at all, but if I am invited to a party where she knows absolutely no one but me, she wants to go.
So in the beginning, before I know what it was going to be like. I of course invited her to come along (I still do), but then at the event, she will talk to absolutely nobody. Alright, I figured she is shy, she will warm up.
We get invited to something else with the same people, in the beginning she will make sure she says a few things (this is my perception) and then go back to being silent.
I have tried to talk to her about this, I am asking her if she is having fun at these things, since she doesn’t talk to anybody but me, she says yes. I asked her if she is shy, she says no.
She has the willingness to socialize like an extrovert, like she has zero need to be alone, but she is social like an introvert.
In our day to day relationship this is not a problem, but I am a very social person and I have lived in many cities and have friends across the country, so during or relationship it’s been ongoing that I get invitied to something with people she doesn’t know.
And this is why I put this on the internet instead of talking to somebody I know, but, it’s not fun to bring her to these events anymore. She will follow me like a quiet shadow, and I try to talk to her as much as possible, but we see each other everyday so my focus when out is to socialize, and then I feel awkward with her as my silent bystander.
But then if I would not bring her, she has nothing to do instead. So she would be home waiting for me if I went without her, which also feels awkward.
I’m actually introvert by temprament and I have a need to be alone, and I don’t feel like I can carry conversations that are applicable to a thrio with a silent bystander. When we are at home she talks way more than I do, all of this combine doesn’t add up.
So, reddit, what do I do? Should I keep bringing her and feel guility and awkward, or can I talk to her about this in a way that I haven’t before to adress this? She doesn’t admit to being shy, and she has no problem going to places with all brand new people.
But then when we had a contractor fix something at our house last time, she didn’t go downstairs the entire time he was there, and I asked why and she said “because there is somebody down there.” She doesn’t talk at all to her co-workers but then she got upset that they didn’t invite her to an afterwork party.
All of it is contradicting to me.
**Update**
So it’s been a month since last I post about this and I’m happy to say that things have improved. In part to some replies I got but also from thinking about it more and trying new things.
So thank you to those who took time to reply. It was helpful.
I’m sorry in advance if this sounds off, but after “studying” my girlfriends behaviour more closely, I sort of came to the conclussion that her problem is not being shy, nor that she doesn’t want to talk to people.
Her “issue” is that she is too polite. When in group settings, you usally have to claim the conversation to get to say anything and she doesn’t want to do this. She doesn’t want to speak over somebody that is already speaking and in group settings, there usually isn’t long enough silences for her to chime in.
What I have started to do, that seems to be helping, is that I can’t think of her as an extension of me. We are not a couple going to a party together, we are two individuals, and if she was just another person in the circle, I would engage them in conversation every now and then.
This is something I didn’t do for my girlfriend, because we see each other all the time, I didn’t think I would have to focus efforts in talking to her whilst we are amongst other people.
But if I ask her a question in the midst of this, she does talk, and is very happy to do so because she was given the subject and the “permission to talk”. (She is obviously allowed to talk whenever she wants to, but she doesn’t give herself this permission).
**TLDR** Girlfriend isn’t shy, she just doesn’t want to assert herself in group conversations, but if I direct questions towards her, she will happily talk, and therefor no longer just be a silent bystander
**EDIT:** So this blew up. I didn’t think it would get any attention so I haven’t been signed into this account. I regret it because there has been a lot of interesting conversations in the comments and it was also interesting to read that a lot of you identify with my GF and feels like she feels.
I can’t reply to everybody now but I am happy you did take time to comment.
I also want to say that social willingness is not at all the most attractive quality according to me. I knew she was the one when I came over to her apratment on a rainy day and she had lit several candles and was reading in her living room while she had “hogwarts library ambience” on the TV.
Then my brain was like “If this isn’t it, nothing is.”
Conclusion
The story unfolds with the realization that true connection involves more than just surface-level interactions. The man’s willingness to listen and understand ultimately leads to a deeper bond with his girlfriend, revealing her complexities and vulnerabilities. This tale encourages us all to look beyond initial impressions and embrace the nuances that make each person unique. In the end, patience and empathy become the keys to transforming uncertainty into a beautiful, lasting bond, proving that love often thrives in understanding and acceptance.
Here’s how people reacted:
And the fact he was able to piece things together was awesome. Many people wouldn’t pick up on the nuances here to figure out what was really going on. And because they aren’t like that, they wouldn’t be capable (or willing) to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. At least not enough to realize what was going on under the surface.
He seems like an incredibly caring, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent dude. Sounds like they’re lucky to have each other. I hope they’re still doing well these days and the pandemic didn’t hit them too hard.
Oh brother, fuck you social anxiety.
As in, I like to be in the same room as other people but vaguely acknowledge them, just being in their vague company is often enough for me
>she has nothing to do instead. So she would be home waiting for me
Do you think she’s an android or something?
But going into a place where you’re the only new person is not friendly. Not their fault, of course people want to catch up with their friends more than talk to a stranger. Also people loooooove inside jokes and stories and I’m just like “…..?!”
He didn’t let his frustration at not being able to understand her behaviour grow into resentment, and he always kept her comfort at the forefront of his mind.
Also, I LOVE the update! Where he is like, aha! I have solved the mystery! Now let me use this answer to make my GF happy.
10/10, no notes.
There are some cultures where it is common to pause during conversations, to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak.
Others, especially ‘general American culture’ is more like American football where you have to run and fight to get a chance to hold the ball. You’re expected to talk over people.
Well bless his heart.
I hate interrupting people and feel like there’s a conversational etiquette to let people finish their thoughts before you respond to whatever topic you’re talking about.. and to also stay on topic of conversation.
I’ve also learned though that a lot of people are used to being interrupted and when I don’t do this, they will not stop talking, will change topics a lot and just unload on me so I HAVE to interrupt if I don’t want to be talked AT for like 30 minutes straight.
Unfortunately, my idea of etiquette does more harm to me than good at this point, and having a conversation where you take turns listening and talking feels foreign and uncomfortable.. so I guess I’m going to make an effort to interject.
On the other side of the coin though, in conversations like these I don’t feel heard or connected to or with the person I’m talking to so it feels kind of meaningless when you’re talking over someone, they’re not hearing you, you’re not hearing them, you’re missing key points in their story or not considering really anything about what they’ve said and same for whatever it is you’re saying.
Also this made me super happy so I’m closing Reddit for the morning lol
I was on holiday in the UK, jet lagged, with a mate who knew the people we were with. I was just listening to the quick fire banter and enjoying myself. My mate, bless them, was a bit concerned. I just said, I am tired but I am listening to them and enjoying myself.
Also am useless in small talk. I am not very good at it.
Glad to read that OOP realised that she was just happy to listen and that is how she joins in the conversation. Sometimes you just have nothing to contribute or are just enjoying the chitchat.
That does sound pretty cozy.
Why do extroverts always say this?
Take me. I can talk the ear off people I’m comfortable with. I can give a speech with zero nervousness before an audience in the hundreds. I can’t call to order pizza, and going to social events where I have to make small talk with strangers and newish acquaintances fills me with deep anxiety. I love to see friends, and when the day comes I have to practically drag myself out of the house and am the first of the group to come home. It’s just…not so simple.
Also: I love her approach to a rainy day.
Go to parties with my ex, end up spending most of the time silent because I’m more of a listener. But instead of being helpful eventually like oop, ex ended up reinforcing my silence instead.
It took a while to click that he was simultaneously embarrassed of me/for me, when I thought we were having a good time and I’d eventually catch on to the timing to have my say and all would be good.
And he didn’t say something to her about how she should be different, or ask about why wasn’t she doing something the way it would be implied he thought she should. He just observed her and then acted in a way that supported her.
Next update better be about how the real reason she wasn’t talking is because she’s fucked all these people. Or they’re not actually there and OOP has been taking her to empty rooms, stores, and alleys and imagining friends at a friend’s house because of carbon monoxide poisoning.
Jk this was nice. I’m glad dude was able to have a conversation and figure it out.
So I am very glad to see in the update OP realized what the core issue is that GF wanted to be included, just didn’t want to interrupt or be considered rude.
Had this issue with a friend, turns out that when we go to parties together she wants to focus on us, whereas I want to talk to new people. I still don’t understand the reasoning, but apparently it’s a thing for people? I get that it’s ‘us time’ at the movies, a museum, dinner etc. But at a party or when going out? Nah, I’m talking to everybody (including her)