I (25 f) am getting married in about a year and a half from now. We knew when we got engaged it was going to be a long engagement, as did all of our friends and family. When I got engaged, my sister (19 F) immediately jumped into wedding plans, and told me she was going to be my maid of honor.
I told her explicitly I have no interest in making wedding plans (because at the time the wedding was 2.5 years away). And she has refused that right up until now. She has made fun of ideas I like, and outside of the wedding we clash a lot (especially on aesthetics/ styles we like).
We are polar opposites in style and interests, even down to the way we dress – we would both rather die than even dress like the other. Where I (might) be the asshole is I should have let her know right then and there she wasn’t my MOH, but at the time I wasn’t sure how serious she was about it and I had zero plans.
I didn’t expect to be TOLD who my MOH is.
Tonight she berated me for not making plans yet, to which I told her I would start when it was a year away (also like who are you to tell me how to plan my wedding?). She ignored everything I said.
My fiancé and I want a very intimate, chill ceremony with a super fun reception. All we care about is it being fun and memorable. She scoffed at our cheap catering ideas, pressured me into going wedding dress shopping when I told her I didn’t really care about the dress.
I finally told her that she may have to split this duty because she couldn’t afford to throw me any of the events (she called me a brat that I couldn’t fund my bachelorette party). She lost it.
That I had promised her this, that she’d always dreamed of being a MOH.
it just feels like all she really cares about is being a MOH. She doesn’t care about my day, or what we want just that she gets credit. I don’t want to have to plan my wedding with her but I’m concerned I’m in the wrong.
AITA?
Edit: some seem confused on why I brought up money. The only area I’m concerned about is the bridal shower/ bachelorette. While I *can* fund those things, other bridesmaids and family would refuse.
My sister is unemployed and due to her mental health very likely won’t have a job by the wedding (at least not one that pays enough that I even feel comfortable having her pay at all).
AND the biggest issue I have with her is that she wants everything high end and expensive. It will be uncomfortable when she plans a luxurious party and can’t chip in (as the person who essentially planned it).
I was not being mean, more making her aware of responsibilities she may not have thought about.
Edit 2: I need everyone to understand that I am only a doormat with her because she is a powder keg. She is so quick to actual *rage* that unfortunately we have all learned to tiptoe.
The problem with this, is that my parents will side with her on this simply to avoid to hellfire that will be rained down on me. I will bite the bullet, But I’m not excited for the bomb of rage I’m about to face.
Conclusion
As the story unfolds, it’s clear that love, patience, and honest conversations are the keys to navigating even the most complicated family situations. The bride’s journey shows that setting boundaries doesn’t mean losing family bonds but rather protecting their importance. In the end, her experience serves as a reminder to all: sometimes, the most memorable celebrations are those where everyone respects each other’s wishes, making the happily ever after even sweeter. This tale of wedding plans and family surprises leaves readers pondering the true meaning of unity when life’s biggest moments arrive.
Here’s how people reacted:
You should have just said something at the time, but you didn’t.
And now when she’s insisting that you promised her, you couldn’t open your mouth and say “No. I didn’t promise you anything – you *insisted* you would be my MoH, and never even asked if that’s what I wanted”???
Instead you pretended it was about money?
Try being honest.
However, in the most respectful way possible you seem like a doormat of a person. You said that when your sister started demanding to be MOH, the wedding was 2 1/2 years away. You had all of that time to tell her that she was not going to be the MOH and you didn’t. That’s why I’m not very sympathetic towards you. It’s not like you told her she wasn’t going to be the MOH and she ignored you. You just simply didn’t tell her.
I would also like to point out that you do typically plan a wedding a year in advance or so,so you have time to book everything. I get that you wanna chill wedding, but I promise you it will not be chill nor will be happy memories when you are stressing about booking everything last minute and not getting what you want. So I would recommend to start planning now if you already haven’t.
It sounds like she values the title and attention more than helping you with your wedding. Find a MOH who’s the opposite.
Tell you sister absolutely clearly that she is NOT MOH, not even a bridesmaid (although you will invite her) and you will not listen to any more suggestions, comments, critiques she has about the wedding. And if she keeps bringing them up, tell her “We’ve discussed this” and walk away (or ignore her texts or whatever is needed).
Find a MOH you can work with – or don’t have one; really all you need is a groom, a celebrant and two witnesses – and take charge of the planning yourself (with your groom, of course) so things don’t get out of hand or over budget.
This wedding will be yours and the groom’s. Don’t let anyone from your sister to the insane wedding industry run it for you.
ESH. You should have made it clear to sister that you were not interested in her contributions to the wedding, and that she was not in the running to be made of honour. You also should never have mentioned her inability to fund the bachelorette as a reason she couldn’t be MOH. That is absolutely an A-hole statement, both in your judgement of her as unworthy because of money, and the fact that you HAVEN’T expressed to her your reservations for any other of the VALID reasons you have over the past year.
But your sister is absolutely also an A-hole for ignoring your comments about both what you want for your own wedding and for selectively misunderstanding her potential role in this wedding. It’s incredibly problematic that she is going to rage in a way that you have to fear here, and frankly, I’d be talking to your parents about how they plan to deal with it, because your sister is not your responsibility here.
What a sad way to live…….
I’m not saying that’s an easy decision, but I am saying if you want peace in your life then there is a price to pay.
Someone needs to inform her that’s not the way it works.
>***”My sister is unemployed and due to her mental health…”***
Color me shocked. I think it has less to do with mental health and more to do with the fact that she simply sounds like a horribly unpleasant person to be around.
A lot of this is your parents’ fault for simply giving in to avoid her tantrums. Stop coddling her. If she explodes, so be it, let her. The best course of action is to simply ignore it, walk away. She needs to learn that if she wants to have a powder keg explosion, go for it, because YOU DON’T CARE.
Frankly she sounds like someone who shouldn’t even be *invited*, much less *in* the wedding party.
NTA.
By the way, the bride usually doesn’t fund the bachelorette party, no more than she would fund her own shower. If you don’t have friends who can or will pony up the dough, don’t have one…. unless you just really feel like footing the bill yourself.
Why would you even want her in the wedding party? Being a sister doesn’t entitle you to be a MOH or even a bridesmaid.
Your MOH is the person who knows you, respects you and wants what’s best for you, not what they’d prefer or like.
All the things she wants you to have at your wedding, she can have at her own. This is not her day.
A wedding is a celebration of the love between two people, that’s it. Yes, for some people it’s very important to show off and spend loads of money- by all means do it if that’s how you want your wedding. Whatever makes you happy and you can afford, I really don’t care, as long as you’re happy.
If she’s paying, she can have a say. If not, she can keep her opinions to herself, help out if needed and be happy for you.
Tell her that she’s not MOH and when she flips out, tell her that as long as she’s ridiculing what you want at YOUR wedding, she can’t be a part of it. This is your happy day and, what you need is a level of love and support that she, until now, hasn’t shown the slightest sign of.
Tell her, that you would have loved for this to be a joyful and bonding experience for the two of you but, you can’t plan a wedding with someone that belittles every single idea you have. It’s okay for her to want different things – you she gets that for her own wedding one day, but it’s absolutely not what you want. If she can’t get behind that (and you), it’ll only cause unwanted tension between you and you don’t want that, because she’s your sister and you love her.
Sweetie, this is your life, your wedding and only your rules apply.
When my husband and I got married, nothing was good enough for my MIL. She hated pretty much everything. But it wasn’t her wedding, she wasn’t paying and we didn’t care. She still managed to stir shit up, but that only made my husband and I grow closer.
I am my sisters MOH right now, and I am horrified by your sister’s behaviour.
I was absolutely thrilled to be MOH and jumped into researching what the role traditionally entails and then chatting with my sister about what I found and what she expected of me.
Im organising the bachelorette weekend, and while it might be harder for someone so young to do it, it’s a really fun task.
I don’t understand what she thinks her role actually is. Does she just want to stand next to you in a dress? Does she love the job title?
Maybe give her a second to calm down, and then ask her, “What do you believe your responsibilities are? Can we research this together?” Even if you don’t want to start actual wedding planning yet, sketch a rough idea of the wedding you expect, the events you expect, and talk to her about her role in it. If part of it is the bach party, be very clear on your expectations regarding approving plans before anything is locked in, or you might end up on something that you hate.
(We’re going to a rage room and the beach)
Point out that nowhere in her list of tasks is to plan the wedding.
Maybe if she’s so attached to the maid of honour name, gift her that. Then appoint a head bridesmaid who is actually a sensible person who can HELP YOU.
There is no reason for y’all to allow her to hold the whole dang family hostage over her wants, FFS she’s more a child than not! In age & maturity! This is beyond ridiculous – aren’t you tired of living like this?? SO STOP ALREADY
I’m sorry, but this truly makes you all AHs. You’re enabling her bs and it will just continue to get worse and worse. She will decorate your house, name your children, and that’s before the violence comes. Stop it, **NOW**. She shouldn’t even be *at* your wedding.
Start planning your sister’s wedding and put together a scrapbook of her ideas. When it is full, present it to her, thank her for all the ideas, but you do not want to steal them for your own wedding.
In the meantime, you can create your own scrapbook of ideas so your sister can see how different your tastes are. Hopefully, it will be easier for her to focus on the fact that it is your wedding, not hers.
Be prepared for lots of backlash and bringing in flying monkeys to pressure and guilt you.
Your default way with dealing with your sister is to brush off her comments or ignore her. You can no longer afford to be passive with your sister. It’s not going to be fun, but the outcome will be worth it.
Stay strong.
“Listen sis, I get that you got waaaaaay hyped on being a maid of honor and doing all the wedding stuff, but throughout this entire time you’ve done nothing but steamroll my ideas, mock my taste, and insert yourself where you weren’t wanted or invited. If this were a job interview, you’d have failed it. You’re not my maid of honor, the idea that you get to dictate that to me is absurd, and you need to stop being so fucking pushy over an event that isn’t about you.”
If she keeps going, start naming and shaming. Don’t let her be the supportive sister who got screwed over. She’s the annoying brat throwing a tantrum because this party isn’t about her.
Your MOH is gonna be your sister. Thats how this works. It seems like your sister was doing a good job and thinking of your guests while you were still wrapped up in yourself. You’ve lied to her for over a year now on top of that and are pissed she isn’t paying for you. Don’t lose your sister over this.
Figure it out and be more grateful. YTA
By the sound of it, you have one sister, or she likely wouldn’t have assumed this fully.
Your sister assumed this because there is likely zero doubt in her mind you’d be her MOH. You’re her only sister.
She’s 19, it makes sense she can’t fund bachelorette party things, lean on your parents (as I’m sure she does for basic survival).