Hi, this is a long story so buckle up, it won’t be a pleasant ride. Also, English is not my native language. Excuse me if I make few grammatical mistakes.
To start with, I never really liked my best friend’s partner. He saw her through a fast food drive window, he knew her manager and begged to get har social media handle. After that he kept showing up to her workplace, waiting for her shift to be over, being persistent with asking her to take her home.
I remember her telling me how she always refused and how it kind of bothered her. She was 19 at the time and he was 26.
After a few weeks of him being persistent, she gave in and gave him a chance. They dated for 2-3 months and I asked if we should set up a double date to get to know each other, plus it seemed fun since both of us had boyfriends at the time.
So we did. They both were late for almost 2 hours. Me and my boyfriend were planning to leave but she asked nicely if we could wait a little longer, so we did. He left a pretty ok impression at first, aside from the fact that he told us that he liked how young she was… (not infront of her of course) It did rub me the wrong way, but I tried to keep an open mind.
Also since they were late, my best friend treated us and as 18 year old broke student that seemed pretty freaking sweet. I was happy for her. She had many attempts to have a relationships, but the guys were total douchebags and I thought now it’s time for her to get some experience, so she can have a little fun.
After 8 months of them dating I get a message from him telling me not to go anywhere outside of the city this month, since he was planning to propose to my best friend. I was mortified… I felt angry, it seemed as if he was hurrying her and I hated that.
I panicked and asked my mom on what should we do. She suggested that we invite over, ask her indirectly if she saw future with him and to let it be if she wanted to be with him. On that day she expressed how she liked him a lot, she also added that if he proposed she’d be happy to say yes.
I don’t know why, but I told her this: “do you know why older men go for younger and beautiful girls like you? Because they did not have the chance with women their age. He will make you pregnant and leave you once your beauty withers away”.
I know, it’s a horrible thing to say, I apologized ever since. But I genuinely think so, I was being honest and straightforward.
They get engaged. She was having a blast at her engagement party. I was happy, but also very scared and worried for her. Her birthday rolls around. She tells me that her fiancé chose a place where she can celebrate her birthday.
She gave me the location and time. Me, my boyfriend, our friends her relatives were waiting for her outside of this place. We thought it was a club or something. She arrived 1 hour later, her husband arrived another hour later.
We tried to enter but they said girls should be at least 21 and the guys at least 23. Turns out it was a strip club. And her fiancée also brought his 15 year old sister…
Anyways, she ends up crying disappointed and then he takes us to this big restaurant. She seemed to have fun after that. Then I overhear her fiancee and his friends talk about one of the girls who was also 18.
My best friend’s newer friend, who also turned out to be her fiancée’s neighbor. They were discussing the size of her breasts, asking how old she was, never mind the fact that one of the guys who was passionately eyeing her had a wife WHO ALSO WAS 18!
BORN IN 2004!!
Skipping to the wedding day. It was a disaster, but I’m not going to get into the disasters that I and other bridesmaids experienced. My best friend’s fiancée’s mom paid for the wedding.
His mom chose what color dresses the bridesmaids would wear… His mom only gave her (my best friend) 15 spots to invite her friends and relatives out of 100. His mom gave stage to her younger daughter to dance 3 performances.
Made us all stand up and clap.
Before all of this, since her husband is a pothead, he made us get out of the car so he could get high it with his friends, before the wedding dinner. My best friend asked her husband and others not to smear cake on her face, guess who smeared cake on her face?
Her husband’s best friend and sister. She cried a little after that. I was so upset. Later on we see her husband dancing with the girl neighbor that I mentioned before, her head way to close to her chest.
All three of the bridesmaids have witnessed this, but have not told her since we didn’t want to ruin her day. Oh, plus she was pregnant at that time already…
After a couple of months, I wrote her a heartfelt letter telling her how sorry I was for being mean (the things I said in the beginning of this post and also for disagreeing with the bridesmaids dress colors) and that I could never be as forgiving or as graceful as she is.
In a way, it was a goodbye letter, since I won’t be able to truly be happy for her situation and will pity her instead. She did give birth, she seems happy. She did ask me why I have not visited her, but it breaks my heart.
I know I’m an awful friend. I will never be able to except this and I can’t lie to her in her face. What makes it even worse is, that I keep seeing her husband’s liked reels and all of them are videos of women either twerking or half naked, or get this, making fun of feminism…
I know I’m the A hole, but I’d also like to hear your guys’ opinions as well. Do you think it would be right for me to try and lie to her and pretend I’m happy for her, when I feel nothing but devastation?
Conclusion
As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that appearances can be deceiving, and first impressions don’t always tell the full story. Sometimes, the truth is hidden beneath layers of doubt and miscommunication, waiting to be uncovered. In the end, the characters learn valuable lessons about trust, honesty, and the importance of clear communication. This story reminds us all that when it comes to relationships, transparency is key — and sometimes, the truth is stranger than fiction. So, next time you suspect something, remember that the real story might be far more surprising than it seems at first glance.
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m sorry for your loss, you sound like a great friend. Remember that what you want for her, you desserve that yourself as well!
Your friend is at minimum a coercive relationship, and more likely an abusive one. She can’t see it because she is young and inexperienced, which is exactly why she was chosen. He is doing a really good job of isolating her. As time goes on, she will figure it out and she will need you. So whatever you decide to do for your own mental health, just make sure she knows you’re a lifeline for her.
This must be excruciating to watch. You’re a good friend, OP.
You also can’t tell most people as they just get mad at you and cut you out anyway.
The best thing you can do is be her friend, from a distance. I don’t doubt the time will come when she wakes up and sees him for who he is and needs a friend. Don’t cut her off but you don’t need to watch this nightmare either.
I hope the day comes sooner rather than later and she’s not saddled with too many kids by then.
You aren’t the a bad friend. You’re a good friend of a person in a bad situation who doesn’t recognize it as bad and wants to be in it right now. There’s no changing it. You just need to wait for her to want out.
Be ready to be a safe place for her when she needs it. It might be in a few months or a few years but I believe that day will come.
Maybe in the meantime familarize yourself about abusive relationships and find out what resources your community has for those trying to get out. Better to know and be ready to help anyone who needs the info.
(Yes, Reddit, I know OP hasn’t said her friend is being abused. Yet. But I see the signs. Let’s hope I’m wrong but the fact is no one gets into a relationship with someone who abuses them from day one. It starts good, albeit with red flags. Red flags that young girls often don’t recognize. Then it gets controlling. Then they get isolated. Then the abuse begins. And once it begins it never gets better, not for long at least. It only gets worse over time. If I’m wrong then I’m glad to be wrong but I feel that OP should prepare herself if it goes that way to keep herself safe and hopefully can help her friend get to a safe place with no one getting hurt.)
If it’s ok with you, you could still let her know that you’ll be there for her if she needs you as most likely this will all get much worse in the future. Fingers crossed she leaves him and your friendship can resume.
It’s hard to watch someone you care for fuck up her life (hope not but it isn’t likely to end well) and feel powerless to do anything.
You can distance yourself without fully cutting her off. Please leave á door open if she sees the light and needs to escape.
Your friend is one of those people that sometimes need to learn the hard way and no matter how much you want to save her, she won’t hear you right now.
And if you want to do that, awesome, that would be a very nice thing to do. But you don’t have to. Your friend has shown herself to have poor judgement and unwilling to listen to your advice. It’s okay if you don’t want to have to deal with the repercussions of that in the future given all that you tried to do up front. You don’t have to pay for her mistakes when the bill comes due.
Not every friendship is a forever friendship.
Sometimes they fizzle and fade out over time.
Sometimes you have to end the friendship because it’s affecting your life/mental health too negatively to allow it to continue, even if you really care about the person.
In your case, I’d let her know that you love her. But that you don’t want her husband in your life at all. Not even on the periphery. As long as she’s with him, you can’t be friends. You wish her all the best, and if she ever leaves him – your door will be open.
My policy now is that you can’t make people want to be different. You can’t make people see what’s happening and if you have to leave for your sanity… You have to. You can’t save people from themselves.
Then depending on her reactions, i would decide how to handle this relationship moving forward. If she gets angry… i mean ive at least tried my best to make her understand. If this means the end of my friendship with her, i wont get upset.
Has she done anything to you herself, or you just don’t like her partner? From your post it is all him. Sounds like her relationship won’t last forever and she may need someone to help her have the strength to leave if it comes to that. And will need a friend. I feel like ending the friendship because you don’t like her husband is not fair to her or right. But if you can live with it, who are we to judge?
I just try to see her as much as possible outside of her house, away from her husband and call her when I know he’s a work. It’s hard to see you friend like that but you just hope that they wake up one day and realise the problems.
It took me 20 years to finally ditch my loser of an ex husband. All you can do is hope she finally sees the light. But there is nothing wrong with minimizing your interactions until then.
I have the impression, that your friend’s husband didn’t really know her; he simply selected her like a toy off of a store shelf, and that his friends relate to women the same way. Is this common in your culture, or is this a sign of an uncultured crowd? I’m trying to understand this picture.
Did she ever express second thoughts to you about this guy, for example–after the strip club evening, or about the pot smoking? Why would she go ahead with the courtship after several serious signs, that this wasn’t a good match?
I’m wondering if she might end up needing you as a friend, when the marriage turns sour. Would that be difficult for you?
This friendship will be on ice, until they break up, and you will get a text message randomly and you will reconnect
Probably going to be 5-15 years or so
“I love you, but I can’t stand by and watch my friend naively choose an abusive man. From this moment on, I will no longer have contact with you. It breaks my heart, but you are choosing an abuser who love bombs, then manipulates and gaslights. One day you will have enough of him cheating as well. You are the only one who has been fooled by him, and I wish you had enough self worth to see it.
If/when you are ready to get help leaving him, then you can call me, and I will do whatever I can to help, but I will not support an abusive relationship. Reach out when you have had enough abuse, or when you are scared enough for the safety of yourself and child.
I’m sorry you fell for such a manipulative, man, and you have believed the lies he sold you. Hope you take care. Contact me when you are ready to escape.”