It sounds like Elle is projecting her marital woes on to you. She paralleled what her husband does, with what she perceived yours as doing. When she said, “Your husband should be here doing this” it was spillover of her own frustration with her own marriage with someone who seems to do very little at home.

Which doesn’t excuse what she said. It does make her insensitive, and she crossed the line by repeatedly giving you judgement, and advice, when you clearly told her Dean was supportive, and organizing the home for your arrival and convalescence.

Of course you’re NTA

Oh, I feel you! You are NOT an AH!

15 years ago, I was 4 weeks into chemo, and got a sinus infection I could not kick. Got drugs – got sicker.

We were taking our 2 youngest on a fishing trip/family reunion at the end of that week. DH’s mom passed the previous year and we planned a trip to where his family used to go every summer, and his entire family was coming from all over the US for it.

The night before we were leaving, DH was working overnights, but my 16 yo son dragged me back to the clinic because I felt so bad. Turns out my white blood count was extremely low and I needed a blood transfusion. I was being hospitalized until my counts went up.

My parents showed up. My sister was right behind them. My neighbor was my nurse. I also had a 22 year-old living 8 blocks away.

When it became apparent I was staying more than just overnight- I told my husband to take the kids and go on vacation. I had plenty of people there to take care of me. Him & the kids sitting there, staring at me,wasn’t going to make me better faster.

We argued, the kids protested, but my mom said she wouldn’t leave my side and it was OK- they deserved a break.

They left the next day – and then I started hearing it from everyone about him leaving me. What the heck was he going to do? We are different blood types, so it’s not like he was going to roll up his sleeve, attach a needle to himself and give me blood to fix me!

My mom stayed at my side. DH’s best friend came over twice a day and walked my dog. His daughter came over every afternoon to play with him in the backyard. When I got discharged, my neighbor/nurse arranged for all the neighbors to bring me meals for the next couple of days. And I slept. And slept. And slept.

When DH came home, my kids were ecstatic. They had a blast and for the first time since my cancer diagnosis, they were smiling – great big, happy smiles.

I have never doubted my decision to send them off. Now as my kids are all adults, my 2 younger ones tell me what an impactful moment that was for them. They understood the seriousness of my condition, but I sent them off to have fun and be teenagers again, instead of caretaking me. It changed a LOT of things for them. Besides having 5 hours in the car with their dad (each way) to talk about their feelings and fears about me & my cancer, they learned you are only as strong as you make yourself to be.

Don’t doubt yourself. You did the right thing! She is projecting her insecurity onto you – don’t let her!

NTA. You and you husband seem to have communicated and agreed on the best way to take care of your daughter while you were in the hospital. Unfortunately, Dean cannot clone himself to be at both locations so him taking care of the child makes the most sense.

Elle being there at the hospital with you is very sweet and that’s what family does for each other, especially since Dean was with your daughter. That should be it. Or Elle (or another family member) could’ve been with your daughter and Dean with you, but I have the feeling Elle would not have been happy with that either.

It seems she is projecting her unhappy life onto you and trying to make you feel badly about the situation.

NTA

Elle, I appreciate they you think you’re helping but you’re just hurting Dean.

Dean was with our daughter. One of the things I needed was to know that our child was okay, that’s why I told Dean to stay with her. She needed one of her parents and I couldn’t be there for her, so Dean had to fill in there.

I however am lucky enough to have you who cares so much for me to be part of my support system and go to my procedure with me. Your being there helped me.

But your “telling Dean off” does not help any of us, and you owe him an apology for how you spoke to him. You owe us both an apology for interfering in our marriage without actually finding out how either of us felt first. We are all part of a team here, a family, but that doesn’t work if you’re fighting with him over something that I’m not upset about.

>”I can’t believe your husband left you alone in the hospital. What kind of husband does that? I told him off for you, us women have to stick together against shitty husbands.”

Wow. NTA. That was so uncalled for her to do to your husband.

I can only think she’s imagining herself in your shoes and what she would say to her husband about it. Still – *that’s not your situation*, and even if it was she would have zero right to have a go at him like that. I hope he also put her in her place.

NTA. My daughter is taking me for a procedure tomorrow because my husband is working. Would he take off if I wanted him too? Absolutely. He’s where he needs to be. My daughter is Absolutely happy to drive me around tomorrow.

Nta sorry for your loss. Shes projecting on you. Good on you standing up for your husband

NTA—your husband was doing exactly what you asked him to do. While it would be wonderful if he could’ve been in two places at once so he could support you *and* your daughter during this crisis, we haven’t perfected human cloning yet.

You were right to tell your SIL to stop with the comments. The first one at the hospital was acceptable, but everything after was out of line.

NTA. She is telling your husband off because she can’t/won’t deal with her own husband.

NTA. She’s trying to insinuate that her opinions overrule yours, in some way making your husband as bad as hers in her eyes. Next time she says something, shut her down and let her know in no uncertain terms that he was following your direction.

Mommy going into the hospital for an emergency surgery is very scary to your child, so the best place for dad would have been with the child. Your sister grossly overstepped. Tell her that your husband was where you asked him to be. I’d say ask her to apologize but I doubt she’d do that. Tell her that if she’s talking to others about what happened with her pov, you’ll cut her out unless she reverses. Tell her it was YOUR decision as he wanted to stay. If she’s going to overstep, then maybe she can’t be counted on in an emergency.

NTA. She’s was never your friend. She’s been waiting for evidence that Dean was actually a crappy husband like her’s so she could feel better about her situation. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

INFO leaning NAH

What did she expect your daughter to do? Did she offer to babysit? Did you ask what she expected when you have a young likely scared kid at home? ‘He should be here’ is all well and good until real logistics hit.

It *sounds* like she’s coming from a place of love. Having more people who love you is a good thing imo, especially if they’re normally supportive and loving. If this is her only overstep then I think telling her off is a bit harsh. I would offer an olive branch when you’re ready if you want to continue a friendly relationship with her and if she hasn’t reached out by then.

Sorry about your loss. Glad your husband is being supportive.

NTA…You told her nicely already and she wouldn’t let it go. She’s projecting her own marital frustrations on you and that is precisely what you don’t need right now.

Nta.. hopefully you haven’t heard from her because she is embarrassed and will eventually apologize to you. You’re never wrong for telling someone to not overstep your boundaries. Doesn’t matter what the boundary is or how strongly they feel about it. Hopefully she respects this and minds her business, moving forward.

I have a chronic illness and am hospitalized often. I ALWAYS ask my husband to prioritize dealing with the house and kids over sitting with me while I rest or am on loopy meds and out of it. It is better that he keeps our life running while I’m away. He brings the kids up for visits if I am local. Many times I’m transported to larger hospitals further away. When that happens they come less. But, that’s exactly what I need/want him to be doing. By him tending to all of those things it takes stress and worry from me. Knowing my kids as safe and keeping their routine, IS him taking care of me.

NTA.

NTA. The fact she has a less than stellar husband is making her project that toward your marriage, isn’t your fault. I feel like a lot of people don’t have the ability to see past their own nose. 🤷‍♂️

Elle needs to stop projecting her own marriage issues onto you. You did the right thing, it made more sense for Dean to stay with your daughter. NTA

Why would you be? Just because you gave your opinion of your own life? Your SIL has no right to make you feel guilty about anything and shade your husband.

NTA

Please reassure Dean that Elle projecting.

I understand wanting to put off longer convo until you feel better but I think it’s super important that he knows you appreciate what he does.

Was hospitalized for sepsis years ago, my husband continued working and fished a tournament on the weekend. I didn’t need him setting there looking at me. All I wanted was to sleep.

Absolutely NTA.

I was in the hospital for a week last year after my water broke early and I ended up needing an emergency C-section. Thankfully baby and I came through just fine, but I was in the same boat: we had older kids at home who needed a parent there to take care of them. My husband balanced a crazy juggling act that week, and I had to figure out how to be OK being stuck in the hospital on my own. Elle needs to mind her own business, and Dean needs to be the one dealing with her for now. I’m sorry for your loss, and assuming it’s what you want, I’m wishing for you to have a healthy baby soon.

Your husband did exactly what you asked. She had no reason to nose in.

NTA.  She didn’t just overstep – she totally ignored your preferences, your instructions, and your reply to her initial complaint.

Your husband is a good husband.  

When my FIL died, I was worried about my husband flying out by himself to deal with his family and wanted to be there to support him.  He told me that he needed me to stay home, because he needed to know that our toddler daughter was being taken care of. It was comforting to him to know that I was caring for our daughter.  This is what was happening for you.  I’m sorry your SIL couldn’t respect that, and instead projected her unhappiness into your marriage 

NTA, but I think Elle is coming from her own disappointments and not from a place of any ill-will toward you.

I’m glad that you are recovering and have good support at home.

It’s a shame that Elle has given you work to do while you are recovering. I hope you feel you can:

1. Tell your husband, short and sweet, that you have a sense of how Elle told him off. You don’t feel that way. You know he was doing exactly what you needed and wanted him to do and that you love everything he has done and does for you. (It’s not your fault that Elle gave him the opposite message, but it’s in your family’s interest for you to make that clear to Dean.)

2. IF/when you talk to Elle, tell her that you know she spoke from a place of caring about your, but you really needed and still need her to take you at your word. You and she are not the same person; your husbands are not the same person; your experiences and history are not the same. It would be nice if she apologized to your husband because he didn’t do anything wrong; he did exactly what you needed and wanted him to do. For yourself, what you need most from her is her trust that you mean what you say and her respect to not take matters regarding your life into her own hands.

I hope that, by not disparaging her own marriage and by conveying that you know she did not mean you or your family harm, you give Elle the ability to (1) not feel the need to be defensive about her marriage and (2) see that she can continue to have a good relationship with you going forward, despite this mistake.

Wishing you good healing.

NTA

You rightly have your husband’s back. She is projecting the failings of the brother onto your husband.

NTA Wow, she really went over the line. To start with, it’s not her place to comment on your relationship with your husband UNLESS you ask for comments or opinions. For another, it’s not her place to speak to your husband like that. I mean, even if you asked her to tell him off, she shouldn’t. That’s the kind of discussion that should be between you and your husband. She was way out of line.

NTA. It sounds like you have a very strong and healthy relationship with your husband, and she’s trying to stir up trouble because hers isn’t going as well.

NTA

She’s just projecting or maybe trying to find faults in other people’s partners to make her feel less bad about her bad marriage.

NTA.  I get in arguments about this type of thing frequently, in here often.  You and your partner sound great, best wishes.

You’re not the AH. But if BIL works 12 hours daily, dude must be exhausted when he gets home. Like I wouldn’t have the energy for a date or even to think.

NTA. You were respectful yet firm. It sounds like she was projecting her own unhappiness with her marriage onto you, and at time where you really didn’t need any extra stress.

Also, I am so sorry about your situation. I am glad they were able to catch it and save your life. Wishing you the best ❤️

NTA
Misery loves company, as the old saying goes! Elle thinks that she finally found something to sink her teeth into and make Dean a neglectful husband, just like hers!
She has absolutely no business sticking her nose into your business. Of course, your little girl needed her dad to comfort her while you were having emergency surgery. It’s not like you had time to prep her properly. You did what any caring mother would do, you put your child first!
If Elle was so concerned, why didn’t she offer to go take care of your daughter? Although, given her attitude, I’m not sure how comforting her presence would be.

NTA You know this was about Elle’s marriage, not yours. Next time put it back on her, “Not every husband is like yours.”

Some people require more hand-holding than others to feel loved. You sound to be relatively resilient and not prone to being needy. I would say neither of you are really TAH, but emotions take time to cool. Perhaps re-attack when both of you have a little distance from the event? (My husband’s job used to take him on the road a lot. His first wife could not handle being on her own with a baby, while it didn’t bother me much at all. No harm either side, I was just more used to doing things myself.)

I had to do the same thing with my husbands brother. He tried to shame me to my husband for not being at hospital 24/7 when my husband had a tumor removed and would be starting chemo treatments after healing from surgery.

I made it clear that I trusted the hospital staff to take care of my husband, and that I was at home preparing for the next difficult part of taking care my husband aftercare and the upcoming chemo that was going to affect us for what so far has been 18 months of chemo and more surgeries. I made it clear that they were there short term and were not going to be at my home daily like I was to take care of my husband. I am the one that is going to be taking him to his dr appointments and treatments. I am the one caring for him daily when he is depressed and sick from all the medicines being pumped into his body. I am the one cleaning up “sick” and monitoring his at home care. I am the one keeping a positive attitude so to not make my husband more depressed, all while struggling with my own fears about his health. I told BIL that we barely see and hear from family before this situation and I’m sure that will not change when my husband leaves hospital. I told BIL that unless he plans on being there every day helping take care of my husband, he can keep his opinions to himself.

Of course I was right in my comments. He hasn’t seen my husband once since then. While he has checked on him maybe a few times in the past 18 months, he has offered little in the way of help, all while saying those famous “if you need anything, let us know” words. And when my husband has reached out to say that he needs something, BIL just doesn’t have the time. NO big surprise.

Yes OP you are NTA. you know where your husband needed to be and what you needed most from him. To take care of your daughter and get ready for the emotional and physical impact of what you both/all are going through. All this virtue signaling needs to stop.

My husband, who was working away from home, only visited me once while I was in hospital, as he knew I was being looked after. But he took 2 weeks off after to look after me. I thought that was very sensible.

I think this is NAH. She sounds like she has a shitty husband and could be projecting onto yours, but it’s also crazy not to have the next of kin with you for surgery in case something goes wrong and he needs to make a decision while you’re unconscious. And if I think that it’s crazy that he wasn’t there, it’s definitely possible that Elle was coming from the same place and assuming Dean is a lousy husband because he wasn’t there. Maybe she thought, based on his not being there, that you were covering for him. But if she knows he’s great from his being great for years, then she probably should have known better than to say that at this point. But yeah, Elle could have watched your daughter while he was with you at the hospital. Why wasn’t that the arrangement?

I’m so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy. I too had one and it’s a rough road from the joy of planning for a child to the low of a life threatening condition and emergency surgery.
I think your hubby is terrific. He did exactly as you requested. Although sil was admirable in her assistance, I’m baffled why that wasn’t just in offering caring for your three year old and tidying. That was the choice your husband was facing. But she commandeered the position of being by your side and chastised him.
I think she turned it into more about herself in a way. Probably not by intent or maliciously. But a peek into her operating system.
We see quite a bit of this in hospital settings with a family member assuming a power or control position, wanted or not. And they are not coming well equipped and end up alienating family and staff. On the other hand, I really want every patient to have an advocate and support.
I think she does owe hubby an apology. Just a simple I’m sorry for being snippy, I got emotional and stressed, overwhelmed…whatever. Some people really struggle with apologies. Avoiding it makes it a bigger issue in her mind.
Rest up and just enjoy your family. You are not responsible for sorting this out.

NTA. Someone had to look after your daughter and your husband had to do it. In a perfect world, your husband would have been able to split in two and have his copy look after your daughter while he was there with you. Elle needs to realize that parenthood requires different decisions and sacrifices. You knew someone had to be there for your child and your husband took care of it.

Elle telling off your husband was bold and out of line. I’m glad that you put her back in her place. Who the fuck does Elle think she is? “Women need to stick together.” No. People like you that don’t know the whole situation need to shut the fuck up, Elle.

NTA. Wether SIL is projecting her insecurities in her own marriage or not she has no business telling anyone how to take care of their family. For sure stay away from anyone who thinks it’s ok to speak for you unsolicited. She’s deranged

NTA. In an ideal world your husband would have been with you. But this isn’t an ideal world. You were more concerned for your daughter than yourself. You needed him to be with her more than with you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. She very much over stepped and I’m glad you put her in her place.

I’ve been there, I spent 3 days alone in the hospital before my 2nd was born. Where was my partner? At home with my toddler – where he should have been – which is where I needed him to be.

Hugs mama, hope your body is healing well, the heart will take longer

NTA. First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. As a mom, I honestly might have done the same thing. Knowing my daughter felt safe being with her other parent during the surgery would bring more comfort than worrying that she was scared without them. Your SIL is 100% overstepping, and to keep bringing it up is nuts. Not what you need to be dealing with at all right now.

NTA.👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

NTA

No darling NTA, you told her calmly already, when you were in the hospital, and then when you come home, she decides to tell him off? Absolutely not. If it bothered her that much, she shouldn’t have left she should’ve told him off right away

Not at all.

NTA . Misery loves company. She was trying to find someone to commiserate with. Let her go and wish her well ( from afar)

Huh. I’ve had several surgeries in the past 15 years or so, and no one was allowed to stay with me prior to surgery. I knew in advance and brought a bag with things not too precious to amuse me while I waited for the surgical team and maybe some tests.

Unless you have a large family group, I would think having your husband stay with your kid was a far better use of both their times – they could keep each other from catastrophizing while you were getting treatment, maybe bond over making your home Mom ready for when you returned.

Make sure your husband knows that your SIL was out of line for what she said to him and it in NO WAY reflects how you actually feel. Don’t let him feel guilty.

I think your sil overstepped but meant well. When you’re feeling better in a day or two, you should reach out to her. This is one of those be the bigger person scenarios that’s appropriate. nah

You’re certainly not the a****** but I will say, I don’t care what my wife said, I would have stayed at the hospital with her.

Yta. You could have avoided all of this if when she first mentioned it had you just said he wanted to and offered to stay but you told him no as you wanted him with your daughter.