When Avery was just eight years old, her world was turned upside down by tragedy — her parents lost in a devastating car accident. What followed was a confusing and turbulent period as she was shuffled between relatives across different states. Promises made to her were often broken, a heartbreaking cycle that left her longing for a sense of consistency and genuine love. Her story highlights the struggles faced by children in unstable homes, yet also sheds light on the incredible strength it takes to survive and hope for a better future.
Now, at twelve, Avery finally finds her way into a loving environment with a family that includes a caring mother and their three young girls. With her adoptive family, she begins to heal, build trust, and create new memories. But her journey is not just a tale of hardship—it’s a powerful narrative of perseverance, the pursuit of stability, and the transformative power of love that can truly change a child’s life. How Avery’s story concludes is a testament to resilience and the possibility of hope in the most unexpected places.
My husband and I have 3 girls, 2 bio (4 and 5) and 1 adopted (Avery 12).
Avery is my friend’s daughter. When Avery was 8 her parents passed in a car accident. Over the next 3.5 years she was passed around to different family members across multiple states.
One person/family would take her, promise she can stay with them, then within 6 months she was shipped off to the next person. She’s been with us for 6 months and it’s definitely a challenge.
She has pretty bad abandonment issues so she has a tendency to test us or act up to try to get us to give her away. She’s even run away twice.
Anyways, we don’t have many pictures of Avery in the house. She hates her school picture so I’m not allowed to put those up and she doesn’t usually like it when I take pictures of her.
We just took a vacation and I told Avery we were going to be taking family pictures while we were there. I also booked an individual session for Avery so I can get some pictures of just her.
Throughout the trip I also made sure to get pictures of Avery, some with the other kids but mostly pictures of her at the beach, in front of a waterfall, and just at random points on the trip.
I was getting the pictures developed and my husband commented that the only pictures I took were family pictures, pictures of all of the kids, or only pictures of Avery. I told him I wanted pictures of her to put up around the house since right now we only have pictures of our bio kids.
He thinks it’s not fair to our bio kids that I only focused on Avery when I was getting the pictures and that once everything is framed and put up around the house the girls are going to think this vacation was all about Avery.
Now I’m wondering if focusing on her on this trip was unfair to the other girls or if it looks like favoritism.
Conclusion
Avery’s story is a heartbreaking yet inspiring reminder that even in the darkest moments, hope can shine through. After years of instability and uncertainty, she finally finds a family that offers her the love and security she desperately needs. Her journey from being passed around like a fragile treasure to becoming a cherished member of a stable home highlights the incredible resilience of a child’s spirit and the profound impact of compassionate individuals ready to open their hearts.
Her arrival into her new family marks a new chapter—one filled with promise, healing, and the chance to build a future where she can thrive. Avery’s story underscores the importance of stability, understanding, and unconditional love in transforming lives. It’s a powerful testament to the fact that everyone deserves a place to call home and a family to nurture their dreams.
While her path has been anything but easy, Avery’s journey ultimately demonstrates that with patience, love, and perseverance, even the most fractured beginnings can lead to a hopeful new dawn. Her story inspires us all to believe in the possibility of second chances and the remarkable strength of a resilient heart.
Here’s how people reacted:
You bio kids seem to be at an age where they’re probably not going to even notice the “extra pictures of Avery only”. They had fun on vacation. That’s what they’ll remember.
But Avery is sure going to notice that you are including her in your family and that she is part of it now.
Unless the husband points it out, the kids wont notice, but the adopted daughter definitely will.
Just make sure to put the family and group shots in prominent places. Put the single ones of A with the existing single shots of your kids.
All your kids will notice is that A now has pictures of herself next to theirs. One will likely loudly and happily shout “Look A! Your next to me here!”
Remind hubby to not make an issue of it as your kids wont. They will, when older, understand you were playing catch up. Just in the future, remember to get some individual of everyone and various groupings.
Avery started with little to no pictures around the house, whereas your other children did. Right now you are trying to help Avery reach the same point as your other kids. Who cares if they think this vacation was just for her? They still went and (presumably) had fun right?
If he’s so concerned, shouldn’t he take some photos as well?
It’s also a kind thing to do, you mention that she has abandonment issues (understandably), of course you want to quietly show her that she’s just as much a part of the family as everyone else, you just needed pictures to be able to do that, and the vacation was the perfect time to get them.
As others have mentioned, Avery is going to need some special attention, given her traumatic history. As long as you are not neglecting the other girls and their needs, it’s just fine. They’re young enough they won’t notice that they didn’t get as many pictures taken of them as their older sister on this trip. It’s not a big deal.
The truth is both Avery and the younger girls are going to need separate attention sometimes. The things that you do to connect with a 12-year-old and the things that you do to connect with preschoolers are different. You’re not going to be able to do the same things with them all the time. Avery would get resentful, and not just because of a difficult past. Any 12-year-old sibling would be upset if they always had to do little kid activities.
Again, this doesn’t mean you neglect the younger kids. It’s just that you’re sometimes going to do individualized things with them.
I hope you guys are getting counseling to help you and avery through all this.
“Fairness” it’s not about everyone getting exactly the same thing. It means everyone getting what they each need to be successful. Your adopted daughter has a specific need that your biological kids were lucky enough to escape. You’re an incredible parent to give her what she needs. And I am confident that you’ll be able to have the conversation with your biological kids on why it was important for your eldest daughter to feel special, if they have questions about favoritism.
Avery needs to feel like an important member of the family! She needs to feel like she *belongs*, which is an automatic right that your other children received at birth. I think this was wonderful, and you are a great parent.
I understand your motives and don’t disagree with you, you’re trying to make Avery feel like she’s a permanent part of the family. However I also see your husband’s point and think his concerns are valid. Children have a very different way of observing things. Avery is a new addition to the family matrix and seeing she got so many *new* pictures of her taken and added to the house, while your bio children were excluded (except in family photos), may cause your biological children to see her as being favoured.
I don’t think your husbands is wrong to feel concerned that focusing entirely on Avery to help her adjust may build resentment between her and your bio children. Fostering a good relationship between Avery and her new siblings is just as important to help her feel like she is part of the family. And for children, especially young children, that means giving equal treatment because kids don’t rationalise like adults.
Right now, Avery needs more (attention, inclusion, affection, $ for therapy) than your bio kids because of everything she’s been through the past few years. Your bio kids know you love them, and they know you are their forever family and that you have their back. Avery doesn’t.
But yeah, if you don’t already have her in therapy, please get on that. She clearly has trauma that needs to be addressed. Family therapy would be a good idea, too.
As much as I applaud you for adopting Avery, you’ll have to be VERY aware of spending equal attention and time with your husband and YOUR BIO kids.
Avery has already learned that excessive behaviour will get her special attention, on top of that, she is at a volatile age. If your husband points out red lights in the family dynamic, don’t just ignore it, you and Avery might end up all by yourselves.
I do believe you should have taken individual pictures of all the kids. When you ONLY do things for Avery it can cause tension between the kids as they grow. But if you keep everything as fair as possible not only will it make Avery feel like she’s a part of your family but also it makes sure that the kids don’t feel replaced or like it’s a competition for your love and make them grow resentment. It’s easy to get lost in these type of things just be careful so you don’t destroy your relationship with your bio kids. But I also do believe you had the best intentions which is wonderful.
Put up 1 pix of adopted daughter from this trip. Take more pix of all your kids, and put up 1 pix of each of ur other girls. You also can “take down or update” some of the pix already on wall. It’s a really easy way to “redecorate”!
I suggest making it clear to Avery that she is going to be a member of the family and is going to be treated equally to all your children. She will be rewarded when she does well, and punished when she does something she’s not supposed to do.
I understand you want her to feel a part of the family and that she is testing you, but what she’s really doing is manipulating attention from you from bad behavior. You absolutely do not want to reward her acting out, even if you feel if it is a miss placed cry for help..
You 100% did the right thing. Avery needs to shown you care and that you want her around. And that she is equal to your kids and your kids are super little still. Right now at her age with the trauma she has been through and the abandonment you are right.
You need to have ACTIONS that follow through a commitment to her.
If your husband will not put her first/equally he needs to start.
I think in this instance, it’s small enough that a 4 and 5 year old wouldn’t really care (they probably don’t like having to sit down and behave for professional photographers for an extended period of time), and easily explained (“Avery doesn’t have a school picture with us” (since I’m assuming the younger girls didn’t hear about Avery hating her school picture) “so we got her a replacement one! You’ll all be getting school pictures when you start elementary school soon!”). However, it’s important to be aware of how best to implement equity in a way that doesn’t cause issues between the daughters, or between you and your bio daughters. I also think there could be learning opportunities for your daughters as you approach the issue of equitable treatment moving forward – 6-8 years old is when kids begin to earnestly develop empathy, and making them aware that sometimes people get treated differently based on their needs could help them in that aspect. Obviously don’t make everything a learning opportunity, Avery’s childhood should be just that, a childhood and not an “educational study” for your bio kids, but occasionally taking the opportunity when the girls ask questions I think would be appropriate.
You might want to tell the younger kids you want to put up some nice pictures of Avery to go with the other pictures of the family, and ask the little ones what pictures they like best and why. Maybe including the younger ones by getting them to pick a picture of Avery will help.
Redo!
My family developed every photo we took on vacations. They never went on the wall but into boxes and albums. It means that us kids have countless numbers of photos from our childhood. That is what you should have done. Had the photos for the wall and the ones for the albums.
Photos aren’t going to solve Avery’s problems but the last thing you want to do is make the other kids feel like they are less than.
The answer is not to take photos of just one child, even if it is the one that has the abandonment issues. Avery deserves more than that and so do your other children. Avery needs professional help. She needs trauma therapy. She needs family therapy. She needs photographs of not just herself but of her interacting with her new family, but she needs photographs of her parents to have to treasure and hold. She needs people who understand these things.
You’re not TA because your intention was genuine and meant to show her she’s a part of the family. But your husband is right. If you focus your outings and vacations solely on getting photos of Avery and not all the children, your other two will eventually be old enough to understand and will grow to resent and possibly even ostracize Avery because she’s the favorite. They’ll also become more angry with you and act out just as Avery is now to get your attention.
There are posts on here every month of bio kids cutting off their parents because the parents began to neglect them in favor of traumatized foster or adopted kids. Don’t let that become your family.
I was a teen when I met my dad for the first time, so they had lots of photos of my siblings but none of me. Mum rectified that by getting copies of younger photos from my maternal family and then scheduling professional solo photos for EACH of the three of us kids. Trips also included group and solo photos of all of us. I was a part of my family, not the sole focus. And it was one of the best things she did not only for me, but my siblings as well.
Now, don’t get me wrong. My mum took (takes) no shit. The day I met them I was her child even though it took years before she and I had a good relationship and she made that abundantly clear to friends and her family. So in that regard, I was the focus because I was the only one not biologically hers.
But in the grand scheme of things, I came in as just another part of the family. I had similar rules, consequences, privileges, etc. When I acted out I wasn’t coddled, I faced normal consequences just like the others. When I was a little jerk to her (which I was for years while my bio mother was still in my ear), my dad tore me a new one for my behavior. I got photos with them and photos of myself and had them hung up with my siblings.
And now as an adult, my kids get similar treatment to my niece. They visit my niece more for sure, but that’s because my brother lives a mile down the road and I’m a solid 9 hours away.
All this to say – don’t turn into the parent that focuses so hard on making the adopted child feel included that you instead make her into the only child who matters. It won’t help her, it will only hurt all of them. Your husband’s concerns are valid because if he doesn’t speak up, then this could easily become a pattern while you try to overcompensate.
I don’t think you did anything wrong by focusing on pictures of Avery this time. The other girls are probably too young to notice or care about the discrepancy. But it clearly bothered your husband, so maybe discuss it with him and see if you can find a middle ground. And by all means, if he’s not happy with the candids that were taken, he’s welcome to pull out his phone and start taking pictures. (As long as he doesn’t exclude Avery.) NTA.
I can understand temporarily giving her your focus until everything gets to a new normal
The fact that your husband only commented about the lack of individual photos of the younger girls as you were getting them printed shows that the girls probably didn’t even notice at the time. If anything, after doing a family photo shoot they were probably happy to go do something else with dad rather than being wrangled into doing individual shoots. It’s not a situation that should be played out every time, but there’s good reasoning behind why it happened this time.
I do think it’s worthwhile having some further discussions with him about Avery’s future with your family. It’s not going to help Avery or the younger girls if he continues to show a desire to give them the exact same treatment as what she gets, when the reality is they are going to have very different needs, both due to her situation but also the standard differences due to the age gap. Everyone should be treated fairly, but that doesn’t mean exactly the same
This isn’t a matter of fairness, it’s about balance. The photos displayed in your home were overwhelmingly bio kids, so you were correcting it. What good would it have done to have the other littles sit through a photo shoot and not display this photos? Or display them and continue to have the disparity?
Avery has traumas and pain your biological children will NEVER understand. Traumas YOU will never understand either unless you are also an adoptee (I am saying this as an adoptee myself whose adoption story was very traumatic). You NEED to make sure she feels accepted, loved, wanted, and valued within the family. That is not favouritism. It is tending to the specific needs of a traumatized child. At the same time, you might want to sit your bio kids down for a reassurance talk that you don’t love Avery more than them, Avery is not replacing them, you love them all equally, Avery needs extra love and attention right now to help her feel safe and like she’s truly joining the family because of the things she has been through, and that if they feel left out they can always come to you and say so and you will make sure to set aside some special time for you and them to have a day or an outing together so that nobody feels sad or left out while Avery is adjusting to her new life and needing that extra attention. I think you’re doing great. Just be sure to make sure you’re providing your bio kids with enough reassurance and attention that they continue to feel secure in the connection they have with you.
If you explain this properly, your girls are not going to think everything is all about Avery. They will understand that Avery has very complex needs right now that aren’t the same as theirs, and you are there to meet all their needs no matter what they are. What may cause them to think that, however, is overhearing your husband claiming that you are making things all about her. They are going to internalize this and wonder if it is true since they are hearing it from Dad. You need to nip this in the bud. He cannot be making comments like that if it is at all possible for one of the children to overhear him, especially Avery herself, because she is likely dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty right now and if she overhears a statement like that she may begin to think she is a burden or nuisance to the family and that WILL trigger her attachment issues. She may start causing problems to push you away before you can potentially abandon her because she thinks she’s making things worse for the family. Husband needs to stop this immediately.
If you keep doing this you’re going to have resentful kids who then learn that to get mom’s attention they need to act out. You’ll also end up with an angry and resentful husband. You don’t want to break up your family. You and your husband are a team. He agreed to take in a child that wasn’t his, now you have to listen to his concerns and take them seriously.
You focused on Avery instead of all 3 girls.
It’s something I’m sure both you and your husband with think about in the future.
There’s nothing wrong with you and Avery having 1 on 1 mom and daughter time, but if that’s going to happen all 3 girls deserve that.
Maybe you can mix together pictures of all 3 girls so it looks more balanced.
You and your husband are doing an amazing thing welcoming Avery into your family. Best of luck moving forward!
Photos are digital these days. Take pics off all the kids. Print the photos that turn out good.
Avery needs serious attention but that does not excuse not devoting attention to the bio kids as well.
I recommend sitting down and talking with each other more and, as others have already suggested, possibly seeing a couples therapist. This isn’t an easy situation, so the more tools you can both have in your belts, the better.