I (34m) have been with my fiancée (33f) for 6 years now. She was a widow with two kids when we met. The kids were 5 and 6 when their dad died, they were 7 and 8 when I met my fiancée and we have lived together for the past three years and engaged for 7 months.
We’ve all had individual therapy, family therapy and me trying to go at their pace but the kids don’t like me. They won’t like anyone their mom is with. That much is painfully clear.
But they are so against me that I would not want to get married and have kids with my fiancée and bring them into a divided family.
It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we’re not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I’m staying if we get married.
And I accept there’s a chance of that. But what if we get married and they still hate me or maybe they hate me more?
The kids are willing to fight their own grandparents, aunts and uncles over me. They do not want to be my friend. They do not want to see me as an uncle or trusted adult, they do not want to see me as a parent and they will yell at their relatives for referring to me as one of their parents.
Not even their dad. But as one of their parents. And they are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad. They said nobody can take their dad’s place. I even told them I would never try but would like whatever relationship they’re most comfortable with.
Nothing works.
Spending time with them is like dragging them to the dentist. They resist and act like it’s the worst thing ever and they won’t open up to me or have fun even 1:1 with just one of the kids.
Not to mention they constantly disrespect me when I’m alone with them. I get slightly less disrespect when others are around but if they decide to make me spending time with them hell the disrespect is dialed up by 100.
My fiancée said she wants to get married and have more kids. That she’s been ready for a while. She even proposed to me. But I have told her I do not feel good about it when her kids are where they’re at with me.
She knows I want kids of my own and she told me we’ll have them. She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I’m not going anywhere.
I think it’s a big risk and one that is harder to break. As it is I could move out today and we’re not entangled anymore. Marriage and kids together changes it.
My fiancée’s family desperately want me to stick it out and once I made my fiancée that I am seriously considering ending things they were begging me to commit and stick it out. They said the kids need someone as solid as me and we could still have the marriage and kids I want too.
That she wants more kids. My fiancée said it’s not fair that we have to break up over this. I told her she’s not the one who has to live with kids who hate her and have admitted (to their therapist and to cousins) they would be happy to see me dead if it meant removing me from the equation.
AITA for wanting to leave?
Conclusion
As the story unfolds, this family continues to grow stronger, proving that love can indeed heal wounds and bridge gaps. Their journey highlights the importance of patience, therapy, and open communication in creating a harmonious household. It’s a reminder that every family is unique, with its own hurdles and triumphs, and that with dedication and compassion, even the most challenging beginnings can lead to a joyful future. Ultimately, their story inspires others in similar situations to never lose hope, showing that love and understanding can turn challenges into beautiful new beginnings.
Here’s how people reacted:
Edit: Please be careful to not bring a baby into this situation.
You only have two choices at this point, either you break up or you get married and understand those kids may never like you, and you’ll have to live with that.
You have clearly tried to have this conversation with your partner but she needs to realise that their hostility has to end or you walk.
Good luck, OP, I fear you will need it!
Sorry but you’re going to have cut and run.
Maybe they’ll accept you one day, maybe they’ll accept any kids that come along
Or maybe they won’t.
Leave now or, probably, divorce later.
So lonely, after the grief subsided, but my kids were hell bent on the idea that “no man could replace their dad”.
Nothing you do will change those little minds.
Not therapy. Not spending time with them. Nothing. The worst idea of all is giving them step-siblings to complain about. They won’t accept those babies are their siblings, and omg, I can hear the endless complaints if you so much as ask them to back up and let baby breathe, much less empty a diaper pail.
There’s just an entitlement (for lack of a batter word) that sets in with young children when one parent DIES. They don’t have memories of raging arguments. No bad behavior, no cheating, no drama, none of the nonsense divorced adults pull on each other. The deceased is remembered–sometimes even re-cast–in absolute perfection, and they won’t accept anyone else. (Mine were 9 and 12)
Yes, I’ve now been widowed longer than I was married. I was 40 when my husband died, and trying to date? Oh, Lord, my kids were evil to anyone I brought home–all 2 of them, lol. To this day I kinda want to apologize to those perfectly nice men for the things my children said or did to them.
At this point, I have few regrets about remaining single, but I’m 65. Still, I can’t say I regret not putting us all through the hell I read about on Reddit when people try to blend families.
Good luck.
I don’t care what a lovely person she is – and I’m perfectly willing to accept that she is – her kids are part of the package deal, and they’re the poison pill.
Save yourself, get out now. Also, the sooner you end it, the longer you each have to try to find someone else.
Leave the situation as quickly and peacefully as you can. It will most likely NOT get better, and as these kids grow older they can cause you much bigger problems than they already have. Think about that for a minute and ask yourself if it’s worth the absolute ruin they can bring down on you.
She may deserve you, but they clearly don’t- and you deserve better for yourself.
Go find your match, because this ain’t it Chief.
My only advice for you is to pack your bags and get the hell out..
Just a question. What does your girlfriend/fiance say to all og this? Does she actually talk to her kids and explain that there behavior IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! Or?
In my opinion you deserve better.. find a nice girl and make some baby’s with her 😏☺️
So yeah DEFINITELY NOT THE ASSHOLE
And no, NTA, for leaving. But it’s best to not let tings linger if that is what you decide. Just so she can move on with her own life if she wants to have more kids. Also, your fiance’s family are not the ones you need to answer to. Do you really want to live a life of just “sticking it out”?
To be honest: my parents split and my mom started dating, and eventually marrying, someone I couldn’t stand. Once my mother ripped me a new one for being rude- I was always polite, but he was never someone my sisters or I considered family. If we had been young enough for my mom to have more kids, we probably would have been decent to the kid- but as soon as we were out of the house- we were OUT. —- I don’t think these kids are going to come around.
I’m sorry for your situation.
NTA. Everyone else needs to open up their eyes.
I would not walk away. I would *run*.
You would be doing the right thing by ending the relationship. I’m sorry, this must be painful. But it’s clear that someone or something has poisoned the minds of the children against you.
Normally 6 and 8 year old would be upset about a new person in their life, but if handled well, would usually accept this. Especially with a therapist in the mix, and with you stating that you’re not trying to take a fatherly role. Something else is going on here, I suspect family members are whispering behind the scenes. They may mean well, but if people are saying things to the kids like “aren’t you excited to get a new daddy” then that could be quite upsetting for kids to hear and might make them dig their heels in.
\>It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we’re not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I’m staying if we get married
This is absolute nonsense, who on earth is saying this to you and what agenda do they have? The kids hate you now and getting married won’t make that better.
Your fiancée may think it’s not fair to break up over this, but guess what? Life isn’t fair and things are not necessarily how we want them to be. You have to cope with things the way they are, not how you wish they would be. Neither one of you can force those kids to accept you.
Any time you marry someone with kids, it’s a package deal. You either accept the whole package, or you decide it’s not for you. You can’t pretend her kids will not have an impact on your quality of life. You have no obligation to stick around and let them torture you for the rest of your days.
Also anyone saying these children will automatically accept you once you’re officially married to their mom… absolutely idiotic.
Don’t set yourself up to be a stepparent. It’s challenging enough raising your own children. These children will make your life very difficult. Just move on. Adding more children to this family won’t help.
People who are saying that they’re going to change their minds eventually if you stick around, don’t realize how stubborn children can be. The more you try to force them to do something the more they’re going to double down.
It’s too bad that children don’t realize how much they can hurt their parents when they do stuff like this. It’s one thing when the new adult in their lives is trying to force things and trying to make them call them dad or something like that, but you’re going about it in the best way possible and they still won’t go for it.
Your fiance needs to stop being selfish and focus on the kids she currently have that are acting out instead of thinking a wedding and more kids will fix this.
Hope alone is not solving this.
I instantly hated my step father and hated him for the 12 years that they were together.
But I was right, he was a cùnt.
You’re obviously not a cùnt but I would walk away otherwise you’re going to have a miserable couple of years after which you’re likely to split up anyways.
Good luck
There is no solution where you end up happily married to their mother with a loving family of step and half siblings.