NTA – how come experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and the whirlwind that comes after would make your feelings different about the woman who actually did it for you? Your stepmom arrived when you were 5. I’m not saying kids are easy (I have 3 I know they aren’t) but their logic is flawed.

Anyway, your feelings are valid, and your father and stepmom should have respected how you felt and let you create your own relationship with your stepmom instead of the one they wanted you to have.

This is precisely why my stepmom never invested herself emotionally with us kids – “it’s not worth it to have a bond when everyone isn’t on the same page” – was her direct quote when my youngest sister asked her – she was an excellent guardian/caregiver, but always emotionality distant…..ironically, she was the only one of our parents who didn’t fuck us up..

You could have had friendly relations, but your stepmother chose the wrong path. When someone tries to impose themselves, it pushes away. And she still hasn’t been able to understand it. Sad. But these are not your problems, but hers.

NTA

NTA. I don’t know why these people insist on hurting their own feelings so many times. Exhausting. 

I think she shouldn’t have pushed. You don’t have to call her mom, but she did raise and love you like a daughter. That’s probably why she wanted it so bad. It was not her call though

Your step mom could have still had a role in your life that’s important without her being a mom. People who get with widowed or divorced men just saw they can be a mother to someone else’s children are not right in the head. You’re 29 she has spent the better part of two decades trying to force you to accept her as a mother if that isn’t unhinged I don’t know what is.

Your dad only waited 2 years before he gave up on parenting you and your brother and ushered in someone to take responsibility and be a mother. That was his choice not yours and she went along with it. Thats a problem between the both of them and they should talk it out on therapy and leave you out of it.

No, you’re not doing a thing wrong. Your stepmother is, because she’s tried to trample your clearly set boundary that she wasn’t your mom. You aren’t constantly reminding her out of cruelty, just setting the record straight whenever she initiates that tired line again. You were clear, you didn’t want a woman to claim she was your mother, because you had your mother and she unfortunately passed. That’s a perfectly reasonable and healthy boundary she should’ve internalized twenty years ago when you first said your piece.

Your father, on the other hand, is projecting out of guilt and some perceived judgment he thinks you’re casting on him. Which to be clear, is not what you’re saying, but the fact that he’s taking it personally that you would just focus on you and your kids makes him have to face the fact that he almost immediately started dating and got married after your mother passed. And his bullshit about how you’re the one making your stepmother feel like shit or that she closed you off is just a guilt trip.

They’re both the ones who keep bringing up the subject and trying to badger you into what they want. Neither of them want to listen to you, or realize that you’re own person. Tell them such. Don’t entertain the conversations anymore. Kind of a form of gray rocking. They bring it up, you respond “I’ve made myself very clear on this matter and will not discuss it further.” I would personally also add “until you realize that you are both the problem here.” But that’s me. Either way, no, you’ve had the patience of a saint putting up with this and they’re the ones setting themselves up for failure.

NTA

Reading this makes me feel like raising someone else’s kids just isn’t worth it.

NTA, your father should not have remarried so fast (and the pessimist in me says he was probably seeing your stepmom before your mom died). Now, would you have felt differently if this happened maybe a year or two after your mom died? No way of knowing, but your opinions are valid.

I know single parents in relationships. The relationships that work are where the children understand that their parents have new partners but that doesn’t put the kids under any pressure to be anything but polite.

Step-parents’ hopes and expectations are not the kids’ problem to deal with. If someone cannot deal with that, they shouldn’t get married.

NTA. It sounds like you were repeatedly pressured throughout your childhood and beyond, to accept her as your mom. Your reaction was to push back. They should have just taken it easy.

I am torn, I kind of think (soft) YTA. If you died, would you want your kids to have a motherly person in their life? Someone to be there for them?

My stepdad was “my dad”. And my mom married him when I was 18. I loved that man like a dad. He never tried to replace my dad, but to me he was. Of course I shouldn’t compare because my real dad was an abusive POS and if it weren’t for my stepdad, I’d probably be dead.

That being said, your stepmother deserves some recognition for taking on an 8 and 5 year old. Being there for you for all those years. Maybe not being called mom, but some appreciation. (as long as she wasn’t a POS) lol

It’s a shame, imo, but I respect your feelings. You know what’s right for you, I’m not in your shoes, that’s why it’s a soft YTA.

hugs

ETA. Did she say she was your mom to just simplify things, or to try to take your mom’s place?

BTA

NTA. I have nothing against step parents or step kids. But if I lost my husband, that’s it for me. I’ll never date or remarry. If I need help I have my family to lean on. I won’t bring in another man to raise mine and my husband’s kids.

NTA. They’re trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist for you. They’re hurting their own feelings.

NTA, it sounds like your step mother wants some credit or praise for taking on that role and is upset you aren’t giving her the credit she feels she deserves. You might ask her if her mother could ever be replaced and see what she says then ask her how it feels to have someone discount her mother like she has done to you since she met you and see what she has to say about that. You just have not asked the right question to cause your step mother and father to see how it is from your side.

My dad died when I was 2 or 3. I don’t remember him at all. My mom never remarried and there was family and friends pressuring her to. She said that she would never have a man not my dad have power over me. She said step parents are not the same as bio parents. She told me after I was grown that she had no regrets and I told her the truth I had a happy childhood. I personally can see the benefit of a step parents if done right. But each person has the right to there own feelings.

You have no idea what you would actually do if you were widowed or divorced. Are you aware a widow(er) has an increased risk of dying after losing a spouse?

I was widowed at 57. I would never, ever hurt myself. However, when a truck almost ran me off the road and I cried because I didn’t get to die and be with my late spouse I knew I had to fight for my happiness.

Two and a half years later I will be moving my boyfriend in this month. My kids love him and are very happy I’m okay.

I don’t care if you think of your stepmom as a mom. You need to thank her for making your dad’s life better. Also, consider how your life would have been without her. Consider thanking her for adding to your life as well.

How quick some men find a new gf after their spouse dies is wild to me.

NTA. Same.

I’ve been divorced for 6 years and I’ve said from the beginning that I’ll never remarry. I date but my kids are my priority and I personally am opposed to bringing a stepparent and especially step siblings into their lives. They’ve been through enough. I realize I’m in the minority and I never comment on what other people choose for their lives. We’re all entitled to our own perspective. And I never had a stepparent.

You’re allowed to have your feelings, but what you describe is so exclusionary that it’s borderline offensive.

Women who have fertility issues, couples who use surrogacy, and adoptive parents are all valid mothers without carrying their babies themselves.

All your step mother is asking is that you acknowledge that she cares for you, literally and figuratively, she stepped in and stepped up. She’s not trying to take the place of your late mother, she’s just the woman that came in next and mothered you, still does.

YTA

being a stepmum is absolutely fine!

the “mum” label isn’t inherently better!

you can be an absolutely incredibly stepmum to someone who also has a living mum or who has a dead mum or who has a deadbeat mum!

ESH. They should have done better respecting your boundaries. That was mainly your dad, though. It kind of shows how unprepared he was to parent alone and how much he needed someone.

There are plenty of women who birth children that neglect and abuse them. I don’t think biology makes you a good parent. A parent puts in the work. Your stepmother put in a lifetime of work. She invested her time and feelings really poorly. She had all the blame, all the responsibility and absolutely no recognition or validation in return.

Your feelings are your own, and valid. But publicly correcting people over and over does kind of make you the AH.

INFO: was your stepmother always on the sidelines or was she an active parent? Was she a good parent or did she mistreat you? Did she come between you and your father?

I’m asking because you seem deeply resentful of her but you never explain why.

YTA. Raising kids is so much work. It sounds like she did a ton of it for you from the time you were small. You don’t have to feel like she’s a mother to you. No one can force that. But do you have to make her feel like crap? Is it that important that you get to play judge and jury over your dad’s past choices when he was grieving, alone with two young children? Cut him a break. How about next time we just say: We may not agree about everything, but I know you did the best you could, I appreciate you. 

My dad remarried after my parents divorced. I was 19. I never looked at her as a mother. I always said if my father died, I had no reason to stay in touch with her. She was not my mother. She did not raise me. I also felt I was too old to have a step parent.

20 years later, my father died. After the services, she called me a few times and I never responded. Sometimes you just don’t see people being in your life or as a parental figure. My father died seven years ago and I have not talked to her since.

NTA for how you feel.

NTA

FWIW OP I have always thought it’s unethical for parents to enter new relationships until/unless their kids support it. I know saying so will get me downvoted to hell bc Reddit is full of people who love to tell divorced and widowed parents that they “deserve” to be happy (bc I guess their kids don’t deserve to be happy???) I think when you have a child, you are agreeing to make that child your first priority. And that means you don’t move on romantically until THEY are ready for that or out of the house. It’s unfortunate if you find yourself in a situation where your happiness and your child’s happiness are mutually exclusive. But as a mother, I can’t imagine EVER thinking it’s ok to choose my happiness at the expense of theirs.

I don’t understand why people think that their child having children of their own will make them more open to accepting a step parent as just a parent. In sort of crude terms, what they’re asking is that you emotionally replace your biological parent with your second parents new spouse, and it baffles the hell out of me why they’d think that in you growing and birthing your own baby and come to the conclusion that you’d be OK with that baby replacing you if the worst happened. If anything it would just make me stand firmer in holding that step boundary.

Softly, YTA. This woman took on two grieving, young children and she raised you from that age. Whether you like that or not, she did. That doesn’t negate your mother’s input or your memories with her in any way.

To tell her that she essentially doesnt matter because your mother ‘grew you and raised you for five years’ is cruel and unnecessary. This woman raised you for over a decade. She’s not asking to take your mums place, but she sure as shit was expected to in every other way. She contributed to the household, she will have arranged for you guys to have clothes and food and do activities and driven you about and looked after you when you were sick. She didn’t ask you to call her mum, she’s just trying to bond with you over how hard it is to raise kids. Harder still when they are resistant and not your own children, especially when if they are grieving.

Becoming a mum and then a stepmum made me appreciate even more the effort my stepdad made and the things he did for me as a child, and I didn’t meet him till I was 13. Was he perfect? No. Was he my dad? No. But he did everything a dad would have done. You’ve been cruel to this lady for no reason. It’s like you seem to think that loving your mum means you can’t also love your stepmum.

Respectfully, your mum didn’t do so much in the grand scheme of your childhood. She did everything she could absolutely, and I’m sure she was a wonderful mother to you. But those 5 years weren’t the only years of your childhood. You had 13 more and this woman was there and she did raise you and respecting that and being thankful for it does not change anything about how you feel about your mum. Just don’t pretend her contribution didn’t matter.

Absolutely, no doubt, you are an unrelenting AH here. Like, the dog peed the carpet and you’re smearing its face in it…like 20 years later kind of AH.

I hope you get therapy. Your stepparent could have chose the cold and cruel route I’ve seen others take, WITH THE SAME VINDICATION as you OP that their child was not theirs and wouldn’t treat it as such. Doesn’t sound like your stepparent has done that, at all from your story, like not even a little whiff of it going on.

Did you sit down and have a real conversation about how you feel without accusing or attacking either of them? Also like what were you expecting your father to do? It sounds like you’re judging his grieving process and holding the resentment against her.

ESH:

I wonder if stepmother always wanted children of her own but dad constantly told her, you already have 2 kids!

Poor stepmom if she wasted her fertility loving and giving everything to 2 kids who don’t appreciate her.

‘Mother’ is a name, not a title. You never referred to your mother by her first name, and you call her Mother/Mom in your head and heart.

Her pushing to be called mom/mother by you and your brother is just as weird as her demanding to suddenly be called by your mother’s first name.

Apparently, stepmom’s love is NOT unconditional, because she can’t see beyond getting the name she desires. And in that, she proves that she is not a Mother. Not really. Her feelings shouldn’t have priority over ‘her children’s’ feelings.

NTA

NTA

You realise that people aren’t replaceable. Your father and his wife think that anyone can slot into someone else’s place at random. They are wrong and will always be wrong. More importantly, you will never convince them otherwise. Be firm with them that they must keep their delusions to themselves or you will not interact with them at all. The next time either of them raises it, block them for six months. Repeat every single time. They’ll either learn to keep their mouths shut, or they’ll be permanently exiled from your life. Those are their only options.

I think this discussion is useless. Your mom is your mom and step mom is stepmom you can love them each in whatever way you want

NTA but… 

You’re realizing that all you want is them to respect your feelings … that you don’t want to respect her feelings. 

Time to find a way to meet in the middle. Or at least make a show of it.

That’s why many people don’t date single parents. They end up in lose-lose situations like your step mom.

Edit: YTA.

NTA. Marrying a parent doesn’t automatically make you one. Your feelings of detachment are natural and your stepmom’s overbearing need for affection and gratitude is just sad and weird. She shouldn’t be asking questions she doesn’t want answers to.

Fwiw, having had an evil stepmom when I was a kid has greatly informed my experience as a stepmom myself. I swore I’d never do it but I adore my stepkids and I have to admit there’s some satisfaction in knowing they’ll never suffer the way I did. You never know where life will take you.

NTA. You can’t force a relationship or feelings. Never. You can only encourage them to grow like seeds in a garden. Your dad is desperate for validation that he didn’t make a bad choice moving on so fast and getting you guys a “new mom” (let’s be real, he needed a partner because single parenting is hard and he couldn’t handle it and the grief). Stepmom wants vindication, an “I told you so” moment, and to have her fantasies become real.

Neither of these things are your or your brother’s problem. They are feelings for your dad and stepmom to handle. End of story.

Stepmoms can’t win. Either they keep their distance and are labeled horrible for that or they want to be close and that’s horrible too. It’s a thankless task, and it wouldn’t kill you to at least acknowledge that. Besides, you have no idea what you’d do if you were suddenly alone, nobody does. 

yta – she thought you becoming a parent would help you have more empathy, but you’re still incapable of seeing things from anyone else’s perspective, or understanding how they feel. it’s not like she doesn’t get that she can’t replace your mom, but she’s done all the mom work and all the mom sacrifice and you’ll never see or appreciate it because you never got over your own loss. it’s tragic honestly. but that doesn’t mean you aren’t actively coming up with imaginary scenarios just to specifically say spiteful things. i dont know if she or your dad deserve it, they may. but it’s mean for sure.

You are NTA. I didn’t even refer to my mom’s husband as my stepdad until college.

She stepped into a mothering role with you and your brother, that doesn’t make her your mom. It’s a very different bond.

This is the reason I can never be with someone that has a child already

Updateme

Nta. You can appreciate what she did for you (if she was a good step mom) without feeling like she was another mom for you or replaced your mom. Did she ever have kids of her own? I feel like she’s wanting something she never had.

As a person who is a step-mum, I dont understand this. Whats wrong with just being a step-mum? It’s a privilege in itself, youre not calling her ‘Dad’s wife ‘. NTA.

NTA… although I am adopted so my parents are not blood related so I agree with stepmom there you are not the A. Being a single mother and at one time a stepmom I never tried to take the place of their mother! Being stepmom was fine with me… my thought about the entire thing is that children can never get too much love. Your mom loved you so much and still does and you gained the love of a stepparent that’s awesome!!! You do not have to place her in that “mom” spot

NTAH. I understand. You aren’t saying that you hate the woman or that she was a bad parental figure, but calling herself your mother when you had one (dead or alive doesn’t matter – you had one) when you’d specifically asked her not to do that – that’s disrespectful on her part. It’s disrespectful to you as the child – who lost their parent, and disrespectful to your mother who loved you. Your stepmother may be a wonderful person otherwise, but she needs to respect your feelings on the matter.

I’ve always preferred the terms “step-parent”, “the parent who stepped up”, “the bonus parent”, etc…

I have a mother. She’s far from perfect and wasn’t always able to care for me, but I’ve never doubted her love. When my dad remarried (years later), his wife said I didn’t have to call her mom, as I already had a mom. I could call her anything I wanted, so long as it was respectful. Then she broke that promise, telling anyone who’d listen that I was her kid, she was my mom, etc. I’d correct her every time, and I’d correct the other person if they called her my mom. “No, I have a mother. She lives elsewhere, but she’s still my mom. “Jessica” (not real name) is my step-mother.” She’d get furious at me and tell me I was being disrespectful. I said, “No, YOU are being disrespectful. You made me a promise, you’re breaking it. You’re not respecting me and my relationship with my biological mother.”

NTA, but I would encourage your children to see her as grandma, she is the only one they will get on your side. they will never know your mom.

You’re NTA, I guess. It’s your right to deny her that relationship or title even after she helped raise you and acted in that role. I have a stepdaughter that I have raised since she was 3 and we have a close relationship. She calls me mom and treats me that way. She was raised with our biological children and considers them her real siblings. Speaking as a stepparent that put my heart into being a good mother, I’m glad I didn’t end up with a stepchild like you.

NTA….. Why do stepparents feel they need to take over a role? Be yourself and becoming who you are in that persons life. She was so focused on being “your mom” she missed out on a whole wholesome relationship with you. Why couldn’t she just be that trusted adult, a female presence in your life? Titles are for suckers. Your dad and SM are both suckers because they are focused on the wrong things. Making sure that you and your brother grew up to become successful cititzens of society should have been their focus not on accepting a “NEW MOM”. One thing you can never change and that’s your bio parents. Let it go.

NTA why in earth would they think becoming a mother would do anything less but cause you to double down on your beliefs? You’re your child’s biological mother and went through everything that is involved. Of COURSE it would make you feel closer to your mother!

Honestly, your stepmother sounds exhausting and manipulative. She’s not someone I would be eager to have around.

NTA

NTA. You were very young when you lost your mom, and your dad moved very quickly. And grief doesn’t work the way other people want it to.

Your dad and his wife have – and had – unreasonable expectations.

Every kid has a different relationship with their step-parents, and they can’t be forced.

NTA

NTA. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings, and there are some truly amazing step parents who have stepped up and their step kids do drop the “step” when referring to them. But that doesn’t have to be you. My dad remarried when I was 18, over 20 years later she’s still my “stepmom”. That’s her proper title, she didn’t raise me and I didn’t *need* a mother figure from her. Some people are surprised that after this long I don’t drop the step, but that’s my choice. It’s not disrespectful in my mind, but to others it could be. I think when parents force the new step parent and force the relationship, it’s doomed before it can really start. If you were allowed to want it (or not) organically it may have turned out different. My mom remarried when I was 8 or so, right after the wedding I was told I had to call him dad and say I love you. I was punished for *years* because I didn’t want to. I still carry that resentment and my mom still doesn’t understand because in my moms mind, he put a roof over my head, helped pay for food / college and I’m being disrespectful 🤷‍♀️ things may have been different if I wasn’t *forced*

I understand your grief, but none of your holding on to your mother is going to bring her back. I have seen wonderful examples where stepparents became parents or were actually more of a parent than the bio parent. You are definitely NTA for cherishing your mother’s memory, but you should give her a chance. I feel bad for all of you to have missed the opportunity to build a family. As a mom, I would never want my child to spend her life mourning me, living in the past, and missing an opportunity to have a loving stepmother and a grandmother. You can still honor your mother’s memory. It does not mean she is trying to replace your mother.

NTA. It’s not about your stepmom’s worth as a person or what she did or didn’t do. She has her own place in your life, and that’s not a bad thing. But people aren’t replaceable or interchangeable, and in your heart, the role of “mom” is filled and could not be occupied by anyone else, however good they were or whatever they did right. Stepmom’s role in your life is always going to be “stepmom”, and that’s not a bad or unloved or valueless role.

Without knowing full context… straight asshole

NAH.

There was a post on here the other day about a woman who was wondering if she was the AH for not adopting her SD after her mom died, and the overwhelming majority of people were going after her saying she was an AH.

But cases like yours are the exact reason I was saying she wasn’t the AH.

You have absolutely no idea how a grieving child is going to react to your presence in their life, or what they want from that relationship long term. You have to meet them where they’re at and see how things evolve.

Your stepmother did the opposite of the other poster, and rushed a relationship you weren’t ready for. I feel for the woman, I really do – she came into your life with the best of intentions, and has been there for you. But you don’t see her as a mother, and that’s OK. You shouldn’t be forced.

That said, what she did took a lot of love & sacrifice and hope you make space to appreciate that outside of the binary of whether she’s your mother or not. And, you know, you have really no idea if you would fall in love again if your spouse died. And if you do – it’s no bad thing. It’s good for children to see healthy relationships modelled, and it’s good for adults to have adult companions. I say this as someone whose mother made them their whole life, and subsequently had a mental breakdown when I went to college. It’s a lot of pressure to be someone’s whole world like that – and a lot of harm is hidden in that martyrdom complex.

>My dad asked me if I divorced or became a widow would I stay single and I told him yes. I said I would not focus on a new relationship

Woosh to your dad. Because that shouldn’t have hit stepmom as much as it hit your dad. And it didn’t hit your dad at all.

He’s been waiting all this time for you to justify his actions and you didn’t.

Though you set yourself something to live up to if you do get divorced or widowed. If you fail to live up to it, your dad is going to make you eat your words hard.

NTA

YTA. You are allowed to always consider her your step mom. But also, you have handled all the adult bits of this like an AH.

Op, what does your children call your stepmom?

It’s hard for dads to hear you would do things differently. They know it means you don’t agree with what they did and that’s hard for them to face. Your father was probably being told by everyone that his kids needed a mother so he went out and got one. Then instead of trying to understand where you and your brother were coming from he was telling you that you would understand later. Now that you don’t he’s forced to look at the situation differently and that’s uncomfortable for people.

Updateme

NTA – you aren’t going out of your way, *she* brought it up. If she didn’t want an honest answer she should have kept her mouth shut